lichtstrahl Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 There was a girl I met in the second semester of 10th grade, I slowly fell in love with her and before prom she let me know exactly how she felt by rejecting me. For me, it was something that my mind accepted but my heart had not. Now, after about 4 years I have finally come to terms with it. For some time after her rejection I sent her flowers, and a love letter. She said it was sweet but she still saw me as a friend. She loves to read books, one time I had a bit of a mental breakdown and I messaged her something that she said "was interesting to read" and soon it became annoying and she said to stop messaging her. I didn't and I continued to message her until she said she would not respond and she kept her word. After regretting my impulsive and stupid actions I blocked her on facebook because I didn't want to keep seeing her pictures and statuses any longer, not because I had any sort of anger towards her. Recently, I unblocked her and added her as friend, she accepted my request. Sigh... just read this letter and please convince me not to send it to her. I don't want to make another stupid mistake. It has been hard but I need to cope with her answer and just accept it for what it is, the truth. Please don't comment unless you read the letter. Thank you. ---------------------------------------------- I don't quite know where to start and how to write this, so I'll write what comes and hopefully it is something worth reading. I'm sure that you will realize who I am as you read. I want to share with you the perspective of my heart and my mind, because you became something very prominent in me. Even though you desired no part of it, and you made that perfectly clear to me, I couldn't stop my heart from feeling the way it did and sometimes it plunged me into acting impulsively and regrettably. Was it love? Obesession? It's something to think about. I wish and hope it was the former, so that I could at least tell someone one day that I loved someone beautiful, rather than, I was obsessed with a person I never truly knew. In the order of the universe we are all less than a fragment of a neutron,a billion times less than dust. In the order of the earth, we are like a grain of sand. In the order of myself, you were a cluster of galaxies in my universe, or a sea in my world. You existed, but beyond that... you were alive. The thought of you was a spark, like a huge ocean I wanted to explore, a huge star I wanted to orbit. I learned a lot of things when contemplating the thought of something that perhaps could have been, perhaps in an alternate universe? haha. I was not putting you in a pedestal, I am like a star too, like a deep ocean with many places to go and many things to do, like you. I did not think of you as my potential half, I thought of you as another whole I wanted to know. At some point after I met you, I subconciously made that decision, the decision to love you with my heart. That decision which was unrequited. Of course the whole decision thing is up for debate, it is possible I never made any decision, and it simply happened. When I finally told you how I felt that night it was the beginning of a long end. Before I told you, I held my feelings for a long time, hiding them behind a mask of insecurity and fear. I will be honest, my feelings were never consistent during that time. Their strength increased and decreased. I should have tried to be your friend, to know you in a sincere and genuine way, to know your deep thoughts and feelings, your strengths and weaknesses, I don't know, to just hang out. That is what I should have tried, but these incoherent thoughts lead me to understand something new. My self-centered nature. The whole time it was about me, what I wanted and what I needed to achieve. I needed to build that spaceship to orbit you, I needed to build that ship to explore you, my heart wanted it! It had to be done, someday it would happen, it would. I just had to believe and never give up. I told myself, you will be a gentlemen of extraordinary character and you will march to her one day and you will extend your hand and she will give it a shot and something good will happen. But what do I know about good? My perspective is limited, her name. I am one person, how could I ever know your perspective beyond what you chose to share with me, you shared with me exactly what was needed, an answer. This answer was what my heart refused to accept. It confused me a lot because my mind had made sense of it a long time ago, but my heart threw what-ifs, it conjured up glimpses of a future where where things happened according to what my selfish heart desired. Have you seen how I met your mother? I haven't but I saw a scene called 'Ted on love' on youtube and he calls this love, being 'hung' on someone for ridiculous amounts of time, something not disposable, something you continue even if it leads to your own destruction. I've always thought of love as something inherently perfect, and I've always thought people confuse love with things like jealousy and pain, I will not make their mistake. I don't know whether that's true, or whether it is simply a justification for my own denial. I've talked to people about you, there were those people who patronized me, telling me I should just get over you, obviously it was easier said than done, there were temporary fixes, a couple of months but then something happened where I thought about you again, sometimes, just listening to arcade fire or andrew bird, or other times when I would see the 230 bus pass by, the one you used to take. One time, I was sitting on my couch and a commercial came up and it said "when you're lying on your death bed, you will wish you have had more of me" and the model's name was her name. Other nights I would just dream about you, they weren't inappropriate dreams, they were just dreams where I had you close, where I could see your face where I could feel you. Where does one draw the line from love and thought? Can love be borderline too much? In my case my heart was drunk beyond belief, a drunkenness resilient and long lasting. I have confronted the truth, the truth that I did love you, I didn't need a reason to, I didn't need you to love me back, I just did. Maybe if I saw you again, I would again. The architect said in the Matrix: "Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness." It really feels more like a weakness, than ever a strength. I always sought to compare myself to powerful men like Neo from the Matrix. He took the door of hope, I don't think I should do that, but can I completely stop myself? After this, will not a single ounce of hope remain in me? Is that possible? Is it something beyond my control? I know there are things that are greater than me, things that I try and try to comprehend but I fail to grasp. I am a dimensional being, and as such I am limited to my dimension and to the dimensions beneath my own. Imagine, a being that lives in a 2-dimensional world, how could such a being ever understand a 3-dimensional being or 3-dimensional concepts. I think hope is something that exceeds my dimension. And of my feelings for you, what of them? When people would ask me why I liked you, I would say that I didn't know why. If you are ever asked why you like/love someone, should you know the answer? Would you ever be with someone who didn't know it? A few nights ago, I went out with my friends. The night was okay, I got home at around 3am and decided to go run. I ran three miles and in the pitch dark of the residential areas I run through, I decided I would buy a fountain pen, because it is "flexible" and the "nib accentuates personal expression" and I would get some special paper and write you a letter. It is a choice to write you this, I'm not being led by impulsivity or strong physical drives, I just wanted to write to you. I didn't want to write to you through facebook or email, I wanted to write to you in a letter for the sake of old times. So, whoever you are with now, I have rid myself of envy, I will no longer compare myself to others, you once told me you didn't have a type - you simply liked whoever you liked. This is true, and it is the most simple thing, it doesn't need to be more complicated than that for it to be real and true. I will only compare myself to my past self, to grow and learn from my mistakes and my experiences and of the mistakes and experiences of others, to be better than I was yesterday. I loved you, and my journey was simply to cope with your answer. I respected and understood your answer from day one, but my heart refused to accept that. I have finally come to terms with this. Take care, comb your hair, my name ------------------------------------------------
badpenny Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Well, it was really hard to read because it's in such big blocks of text... And goodness, you do ramble... But I'll be honest with you, in her shoes I would think to myself "Om my god, he's starting this again! Fer chrissakes, why doesn't the guy just leave me alone - ?!" What's more, she just won't get it. You bang on about stardust, cosmos the heavens and all that jazz, and she will at best, just shake her head and think you weird. At worst - she will read it to her BFF - or worse, all of them - and all they'll do is laugh. Sad, but true. Girls can be like that. She will see your behaviour as creepy. Some may even say you have some stalkerish traits. Not a good idea. She made it very plain and clear, some time ago - emphatically - that your overtures and attention were not welcome. The whole letter is just.... No. It's like trying to eat a whole bowl of sugar icing and marshmallows... very difficult to stomach, swallow and utterly nauseating. Send this, and you'll be a laughing stock. Please, don't.
mortensorchid Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Dude, don't do this. You wrote the letter, keep it to yourself because I think you needed to vent some things. And that's fine that you did, it's a self help exercise that helps. But don't send this to her. You said your piece, you are DONE. You may come across it years later and be embarrassed as hell, but you will save A LOT OF FACE by not having someone else (let alone the woman you speak of) read this.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Do not send her that. It will freak her out and remind her why she asked you to stop messaging her in the first place. In all likelihood, she won't read the whole thing anyway. You will end up feeling worse than you do now. Also, block her on FB again. You are clearly not ready to be just friends with her. If this is still a problem for you 4 years after she initially rejected your advances, you need to do more self-reflection and ask why you attached yourself so much. It's a very unhealthy fixation, and I suspect it has less to do with her specifically and more to do with low self-esteem and other underlying issues. I don't think you've come to terms with it, unfortunately. 1
Author lichtstrahl Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 I'm going to go ahead and write the letter as planned. Then I'm going to burn it and with it my unhealthy fixation. I appreciate your honest remarks.
TheFinalWord Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Unrequited love is a heavy burden, but we have all been there. If not kept in check, it can cause a type of temporary insanity, e.g. writing a 20-page love letter to a total stranger (you really don't know this girl). You made a solid choice getting an objective opinion from folks on LS. Keep doing that instead of writing this woman. If you are in friend-zone, continuing to chase will do absolutely nothing to change her feelings about you. Literally, pursing in this way will have the opposite effect. Think about a woman that has expressed interest that you had no feelings for...now imagine if she stalked you and sent you letters, gifts etc. It creates repulsion in you, not attraction.
casey.lives Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 why would you write that? what do mean to do?? if you're going to write a seemingly beautiful letter to a former lover, shouldn't you want it to do something... if i got a letter like that, i might be happy, if it were written by hand, and i might be happier still, if it mean't something. This letter doesn't mean anything. Im sorry ... it all sounds lovely but it's missing something.
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 It's a nice letter with your true feelings. Will it 'accomplish anything'? Probably not. But if somebody wrote that letter to me, I'd be beyond impressed and might even consider giving them a little piece of me for their effort and candidness. I think it's nice when we can express our true feelings like you just have. The old jaded been there done that side of me wants to tell you to stop being a wuss, forget about the object of your affection, and go and hit on all of her friends. But the new side of me sees that you baring your feelings is the stuff that all of the great songs, poems, and pieces of art are made of. Pure emotion. I guess my question to you would be "Is it more a question of you know this girl and have spoken to her many times or just barely know her and kind of fell in love with her?" It does make a small amount of difference, not in the end result, but in what your feelings mean.
preraph Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 If you send that or any other letter or try to make any further contact with her, you are just her stalker. She doesn't want you. She'll never want you. You can't make her be with you. Leave her alone before you get arrested! You think you love her, but you don't even RESPECT her enough to leave her alone when she asks you to! When you reach the point that reaching out is making her uncomfortable, you have crossed the line into stalking, because that is not love. Love doesn't want to make anyone uncomfortable or disrespect anyone.
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I missed the part where you said she asked you to leave her alone and stop messaging her. That being the case, you shouldn't send the letter. Still, it's a nice letter.
Author lichtstrahl Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 She had told me not to message her because I had some sort of weird breakdown on fb to her.... After that whole thing, one time we went out to an ice rink to a birthday party of a mutual friend with one of my best friends and my best friend's gf. She was fun, I thought we had fun, but I was never good at making any moves to her, especially after being rejected I felt it wasn't the time. This party thing was probably about a year after my prom invitation which she rejected. I don't know, it's possible that I have the dates and order of things mixed up. After that, then I had that breakdown where she said to stop sending her those messages, to write them in a journal or something, and I think she said I don't care about them. I deleted and blocked her after that. In all that time, I've been with other girls, I have, but I keep thinking about her from time to time, and sometimes she comes back to me stronger than ever and I just want to explode and tell her how I feel. I think the letter is way too long.. I'm curious though, if she didn't want me at all in her life, if she considered me some sort of stalkerish type of person, why would she accept my friend request? Why?
Author lichtstrahl Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 To be exact, sorry, my first post was rushed and it shouldn't have been. I considered her a friend, she did too. I remember the first time I met her I talked to her about a crush I had, I wanted to take this other girl to the homecoming dance, she told me to just man up and ask her. Of course I never did, I asked her though, I said "if this girl doesn't go with me, would you go with me?" and she said yes. The day of the dance I couldn't pick her up because I didn't have any transportation so she didn't come. After that day I began to like her. Occasionally we hung, usually not alone but with other company. I enjoyed being with her, the way she laughed, her silliness and her beauty. When senior year came around, almost 1.5 years after I began to like her, I grabbed my balls and I decided to tell her during the final homecoming game at my school. I asked her if I could talk to her and then I froze up again. So that day, I visited her at her house around 10pm, I knocked on her door and told her that I liked her and that I wanted her to go to prom with me.She asked me why I had waited so long to ask, almost two years... She said she would "think about it" which I think was a no but she just didn't want to hurt my feelings. The week after that was awkward as hell, and finally my friend told me her answer was no.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 She had told me not to message her because I had some sort of weird breakdown on fb to her.... After that whole thing, one time we went out to an ice rink to a birthday party of a mutual friend with one of my best friends and my best friend's gf. She was fun, I thought we had fun, but I was never good at making any moves to her, especially after being rejected I felt it wasn't the time. This party thing was probably about a year after my prom invitation which she rejected. I don't know, it's possible that I have the dates and order of things mixed up. After that, then I had that breakdown where she said to stop sending her those messages, to write them in a journal or something, and I think she said I don't care about them. I deleted and blocked her after that. In all that time, I've been with other girls, I have, but I keep thinking about her from time to time, and sometimes she comes back to me stronger than ever and I just want to explode and tell her how I feel. I think the letter is way too long.. I'm curious though, if she didn't want me at all in her life, if she considered me some sort of stalkerish type of person, why would she accept my friend request? Why? Probably because she knows you're not entirely stable (when it comes to her) and she doesn't want to hurt you. She sounds like a kind person. But don't read more into that. It doesn't mean anything. You should delete her. Because you are obviously not in a good place, even after 4 years. Don't send her any type of letter or message. She asked you once not to. I am sure that still applies. You could find yourself in more serious trouble if you contact her again after she has told you not to. And what do you mean you had a breakdown on FB? What did you do?
Author lichtstrahl Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 I was messaging her like a drunk person, but I was actually sober type of thing.
Author lichtstrahl Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Probably because she knows you're not entirely stable (when it comes to her) and she doesn't want to hurt you. She sounds like a kind person. But don't read more into that. It doesn't mean anything. You should delete her. Because you are obviously not in a good place, even after 4 years. Don't send her any type of letter or message. She asked you once not to. I am sure that still applies. You could find yourself in more serious trouble if you contact her again after she has told you not to. And what do you mean you had a breakdown on FB? What did you do? I won't contact her anymore. That doesn't mean that my illogical delusion of hope will die however. I was hoping you guys could help me that, help me understand exactly what to do in this situation.
preraph Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 You have to do two things: Respect her wishes and leave her totally alone and if this becomes an ongoing problem for you where you obsess over women to that extent, really it's a good idea to get into therapy while you're young and dig into that so that that doesn't jeopardize your relationships going forward. Good luck. Just refocus and stay busy and you'll be alright.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 I won't contact her anymore. That doesn't mean that my illogical delusion of hope will die however. I was hoping you guys could help me that, help me understand exactly what to do in this situation. You need to delete her from FB. Without doing so, you'll see constant reminders of her which won't help you at all. Have you dated around much? Met other girls?
Author lichtstrahl Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Not much, but occasionally, I've been with about 5 girls ever since. But no relationships. Just dating and sex.
road Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 I won't contact her anymore. That doesn't mean that my illogical delusion of hope will die however. I was hoping you guys could help me that, help me understand exactly what to do in this situation. I can only say this: as men we all see woman that we would be a dream to have a relationship with them. Some we know will forever be out of our reach. As any beautiful actress. We are never going to hang at the same club. Never going to work with her. Have mutual friends so our paths cross. Never attend the same parties. No matter how much we think we would make her happy and be happy with her we face reality and know it is never going to happen. Now here is the confusion you encounter when you meet a 10 in real life. Just because you work with, go to college with, same social circle, hang out at the same places so you get to approach and talk to does not mean you will have a chance with them as well. Because a girl returns your hello with a hello does not mean she wants to be the mother of your children let alone go out on a date with you. I do not fault you for trying to date her. I fault you for not letting her go when she made it clear that she does not want you. Do not send that letter.
Author lichtstrahl Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 I can only say this: as men we all see woman that we would be a dream to have a relationship with them. Some we know will forever be out of our reach. As any beautiful actress. We are never going to hang at the same club. Never going to work with her. Have mutual friends so our paths cross. Never attend the same parties. No matter how much we think we would make her happy and be happy with her we face reality and know it is never going to happen. Now here is the confusion you encounter when you meet a 10 in real life. Just because you work with, go to college with, same social circle, hang out at the same places so you get to approach and talk to does not mean you will have a chance with them as well. Because a girl returns your hello with a hello does not mean she wants to be the mother of your children let alone go out on a date with you. I do not fault you for trying to date her. I fault you for not letting her go when she made it clear that she does not want you. Do not send that letter. Do you think if it was something easy to do I wouldn't have already done it? Your entire paragraph can be summed up with a 'Get over it'. Comparing her to a celebrity is also inaccurate, yes, to me she was a 10, but that doesn't mean that she is out of my league or my reach. I consider that a bad attitude to have. This is something I'm arguing in general, not in my particular situation, since obviously she said no to me, but you can't tell me that there hasn't been circumstances in which a no became yes later on in life? Just an fyi, I won't ignore those of you who take the time to provide me with something other than 'Get over it' and actually bring to the table which you volunteered to be in, something of actual value and potential helpfulness.
road Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 Do you think if it was something easy to do I wouldn't have already done it? Your entire paragraph can be summed up with a 'Get over it'. Comparing her to a celebrity is also inaccurate, yes, to me she was a 10, but that doesn't mean that she is out of my league or my reach. I consider that a bad attitude to have. This is something I'm arguing in general, not in my particular situation, since obviously she said no to me, but you can't tell me that there hasn't been circumstances in which a no became yes later on in life? Just an fyi, I won't ignore those of you who take the time to provide me with something other than 'Get over it' and actually bring to the table which you volunteered to be in, something of actual value and potential helpfulness. Not comparing her to a celebrity. Pointing out how you see that you can't get one of them you do not stalk them. You still fail to see that just because circumstances gives you the opportunity to have contact with her does not mean that you have a shot at her. She told you no. She can not be more direct then that. That letter is just another form of stalking.
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