MoreThanThat Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I met someone in mid-February at an event. We have mutual friends. We met on the last day and spent the last 1-2 hours of the event talking. Great connection. At the time, I was at the end of a few month relationship which ended a week later. We live in different cities but part of what we talked about was that I'm considering moving to the city he lives in. We stayed in touch after meeting. I was in his city last week and we went out to dinner. Great restaurant, expensive. Almost a 5 hour dinner. He was a perfect gentleman. We just hugged at the end. A mutual friend had warned me he was a fantastic guy but a player. This came up during dinner. He said for the past couple of years, he has dated 2-3 women at a time. Whether it was just dating or sex, he didn't clarify. Given we don't live in the same city, I'm at a super busy point right now and have a lot of traveling ahead... I don't have space for a relationship per se. I love sex but I don't do non-exclusive sex. I'll be going to his city in a few weeks for a week. He's mentioned wanting to do several things - different restaurants and other activities. I'm in mid 40's and he's several years younger - ie both adults. Now I'm struggling with the idea of being super attracted to him but unable to fathom having sex if there are other women he's being intimate with. Because he has been entirely respectful with me, it feels a little odd bringing this up when we've not even kissed. (Our mutual taxis came within a minute of him calling them... so we had time for a quick hug and that was it.) What's the right thing to do? Let things progress and see if we even get to that point or broach the subject now before we see each other again?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 You just have to determine how well you think you can trust him. When things become intimate you need to spell out your expectations for him.
Bohonia Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 So he wined and dined you and now you are contemplating a FB relationship NSA with him, dang he's good. He didn't even have to do anything and you're jumping through hoops seeing what you will give up and how far you will bend for him. He told you he's not loyal take him on his word. 3
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) So he wined and dined you and now you are contemplating a FB relationship NSA with him, dang he's good. He didn't even have to do anything and you're jumping through hoops seeing what you will give up and how far you will bend for him. He told you he's not loyal take him on his word. Huh? I actually said the opposite - I'd not have sex if it wasn't exclusive and that it was clear in advance. Edited April 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Huh? I actually said the opposite - I'd not have sex if it wasn't exclusive and that it was clear in advance. . You still want casual sex with him it sounds - just exclusive sex is all. It's all the same thing.
Bohonia Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) You said you have not yet, but you also are contemplating something further happening with him. You may not like my opinion and i am not judging you, its your life you will do as you please, but you did ask whats the right thing to do.... So i gave you a perspective on your situation. He already told you he's not loyal do you honestly think you two have something so extraordinary that he will give up his lifestyle for you? Honest question.. Edited April 20, 2015 by Bohonia
jen1447 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 It's not uncommon, but humorously you provided all the answers in your account and your questions. You're adults. No need to beat around the bush like teenagers. There's already been a certain level of intimate discussion. Just tell him exactly what you said here - you're interested sexually but you don't do non-exclusive sex. He'll know exactly where you stand and it'll be up to him to 'bargain' on that or not. If he's good with it, maybe you can get to the fun stuff a little quicker. If not, no harm no foul, and you won't need to pursue it if you don't want to just hang out with him. You already knew all this stuff, just had to sort it out! If you're worried that's too forward, I wouldn't. If he's the good guy he's said to be, he'll appreciate your honesty, your forthrightness, and your balls to say what's on your mind. 2
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 Thanks Jen! Yup, you're right. I've just never been in a situation like this before. One date has either lead directly to a relationship or if I wasn't interested, that was it. If he'd mentioned just another single date, this wouldn't be bothering me but he more or less said he wanted to spend whatever free time I have with him that week with him. I just want to be fair expectation wise. He is someone I could see staying a friend, especially given our mutual friends.
single_beauty95 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I understand what you're asking for and it IS reasonable. Yet, I don't think it will sound reasonable to him, particularly due to his lifestyle. I don't think he is about to give up sex for possibly once every couple of weeks. Find another great guy for that. One who knows how to sleep with one woman. Good luck x 1
PogoStick Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I don't know why you insist on exclusivity with someone you won't be having much of a relationship. He would be a fool to accept exclusivity under such conditions. If he is a "player" then he will accept your demand and then have sex with other women anyway. If he's cool and nice maybe he will turn you down and say he's not willing to do exclusive. Then what? I just don't see any way that you get what you want out of this. I say you drop the silly "exclusive" demand and just bang him and enjoy it. 1
h0000 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I think it's funny to ask him not to sleep with others yet not want to have a relationship with him . Yeah sweet deal. 1
Bohonia Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I think it's funny to ask him not to sleep with others yet not want to have a relationship with him . Yeah sweet deal. I have to agree 100% he has a lifestyle that works for him, why would he give that up for someone who doesn't want a relationship and will see him irregularly at best.
Redhead14 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I met someone in mid-February at an event. We have mutual friends. We met on the last day and spent the last 1-2 hours of the event talking. Great connection. At the time, I was at the end of a few month relationship which ended a week later. We live in different cities but part of what we talked about was that I'm considering moving to the city he lives in. We stayed in touch after meeting. I was in his city last week and we went out to dinner. Great restaurant, expensive. Almost a 5 hour dinner. He was a perfect gentleman. We just hugged at the end. A mutual friend had warned me he was a fantastic guy but a player. This came up during dinner. He said for the past couple of years, he has dated 2-3 women at a time. Whether it was just dating or sex, he didn't clarify. Given we don't live in the same city, I'm at a super busy point right now and have a lot of traveling ahead... I don't have space for a relationship per se. I love sex but I don't do non-exclusive sex. I'll be going to his city in a few weeks for a week. He's mentioned wanting to do several things - different restaurants and other activities. I'm in mid 40's and he's several years younger - ie both adults. Now I'm struggling with the idea of being super attracted to him but unable to fathom having sex if there are other women he's being intimate with. Because he has been entirely respectful with me, it feels a little odd bringing this up when we've not even kissed. (Our mutual taxis came within a minute of him calling them... so we had time for a quick hug and that was it.) What's the right thing to do? Let things progress and see if we even get to that point or broach the subject now before we see each other again? You shouldn't even be thinking into this this far yet. Let him demonstrate a sincere interest in you for a while. When it get's to the point of being intimate with him and he doesn't broach the subject of exclusivity, then it is your responsibility to let him know what your expectations are. You can have a casual conversation at some point to outline what it is you want out of your dating experiences for the long run for yourself and that you expect exclusivity with any partner you are expecting to be intimate with. And then, let him talk and tell you what he's looking for. If you're on the same page with dating goals, then you go from there.
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 You shouldn't even be thinking into this this far yet. Let him demonstrate a sincere interest in you for a while. When it get's to the point of being intimate with him and he doesn't broach the subject of exclusivity, then it is your responsibility to let him know what your expectations are. You can have a casual conversation at some point to outline what it is you want out of your dating experiences for the long run for yourself and that you expect exclusivity with any partner you are expecting to be intimate with. And then, let him talk and tell you what he's looking for. If you're on the same page with dating goals, then you go from there. If it didn't feel too soon to tell him, I'd have just gotten it over with. My concern is if things do progress I don't want him to feel like I misled him. So thanks for solidifying that it's not unreasonable not to say something! I honestly don't know yet if I'm interested in him beyond something platonic yet. It's been over 2 months since we've met and although we've either talked on phone with or without Facetime 20+ hours and daily texts from him, when we met the first time I was involved with someone else. I just saw him as the best friend of one of my very good friends.
Recommended Posts