Dorkette Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Ok so I send this guy I've been talking to an email (we're long distance) explaining that he had to decide! We have been talking for 3 months started out as friends but quickly grew into romance. So I gave him 2 options a few days ago, I was very clear and straightforward. I never received a reply but found a post from him on another message board saying "...She didn't want me, I miss her and care for her, I have no choice but to move on, etc etc etc" What the hell? Can someone please explain to me how he wrote those words and never replied to me which choice he selected? If his choice was neither why didn't he just tell me? I'm kind of upset here and feel like sending him an email, but I probably won't. I thought men were simple creatures
Author Dorkette Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 He told me he had filed for divorce papers so the options were... 1. We would have a romantic relationship when I would see the divorce papers. and 2. Remain internet friends, no flirting, sexual innuendo, none of that stuff.
Author Dorkette Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 To make #1 a little clearer: No more *communicating* until I saw divorce papers.
BigB Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 hmm.. So he's getting divorced.. Is he separated now? or still living w/ the wife? I don't get how he read those 2 (very reasonable) options and got to "she doesn't want me" Unless the divorce is bogus?
Author Dorkette Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 I thought that it could be bogus too B. He had told me when they separated and she moved out because we were still friends. Our *romantic* convos didn't start until about a month after that. Who knows maybe he does this as a hobby online. But seriously though I really like the guy and am at my wits end as to why and how he would misunderstand any part of my email, I've always been straight forward with him. That's why I thought that when he told me his wife moved out was bogus, but it happened before we got closer. You see my confusion ?
bebegal Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 can you post what he wrote on here(copy and paste) also are you sure that you are the girl he is talking about .........maybe he is dating another women as well.........?
tokyo Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Are you sure you are the girl he posted about? Maybe he posted about his wife? Or someone else?
MySugaree Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 There are two likely explanations neither of which you'll like. First, he's involved with more than just you online (or IRL) and was referring to that other person. I doubt that:too much of a coincidence. Or, he's decided , for whatever reason, not to respond to your ultimatum ( I suspect he's still married) and has decided to package his rejection of you as your rejection of him in an attempt to gain sympathy and announce his renewed availability. It's all false advertising.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Can someone please explain to me how he wrote those words and never replied to me which choice he selected? Because you nailed his nuts to the wall with a firm, no-nonsense ultimatum. He no longer was getting what he wanted from you (in which you fulfilled a specific set of needs that did not include divorce from his wife, or anything outside of an OW relationship), and subsequently he dropped you. I thought men were simple creatures Its fairly simple. Feeble, even. Posting such a wistful "poor me" message on a public forum would garner him lots of sympathy, while emailing you directly with something like "I lied to you all along, and never intend to leave my wife" would garner him significantly less. This way, you get to look like the 'bad guy', and its all 'your fault' for messing up this 'good thing'. He played up the 'she rejected me romantically' and failed to mention the 'because I won't leave my wife' part. OR... He's referring to his wife - and he failed to tell you about it because he wanted to be careful about laying the groundwork in case of legal problems, but I am fairly doubtful of that. You'd have heard from him by now if that's the case, I would imagine. You won't really know until you talk to him directly though. It would be interesting to see how long he goes without contacting you. I can't help but wonder if he's calling your bluff and waiting for what he sees as an inevitable 'caving in'. If you stand your ground firmly, there's no telling what the outcome will be. It could be any number of things, but in cases like this - I'm more inclined to go by way of Occam's Razor.
Author Dorkette Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 Thanks a lot, you guys are GREAT! Originally posted by bebegal can you post what he wrote on here(copy and paste) also are you sure that you are the girl he is talking about .........maybe he is dating another women as well.........? No I'm positive he even wrote a short 2 word quote I told him. And everything he said was referring to me, unless there's another woman just like me out there. lol Since he could probably tell that it's me if he were to come across this board... Why the heck not? There are 2 posts, here you go... POST #1 Missed opportunities Guys have you ever had the opportunity to get a really, really, great woman yet you lost it or some reason? When I write "a really really great" woman I mean it. She is smart, funny, sophisticated yet down to earth, loving, sensible, creative, incredibly talented, she has a great sense of humor, a great personality, beautiful, sensitive, kind, wise, honest, caring, moral, ethical, principled, a good sense of family, she has her priorities straight, and most of all, she makes you happy. I know it is hard to believe such a woman exists but she does. I met her and I made her mine as soon as I knew she was worth it which wasn't long after we met. She is so great on so many levels, she is near perfect. It is not everyday guys get to meet a woman like this. If you do, you should take her off the market immediately and treat her like the queen that she is. Ideally that is what should happen. But things don't always play out like that. You can meet a good woman and not know it and let her go, only to realize how valuable she is later on and regret letting her go. Or you could know her worth, yet fucck up any chance of a relationship because you are full of shyt. Maybe you don't deserve her? No that isn't it. You didn't "earn" her. Who knows. So who here has been there and done that? What did you do to fucck it up? Were you able to salvage it in the end? Do you give up hope or do you keep trying? POST #2 CRAIG Craig, Breakups do suck. Especially if you still have strong feelings for her. The only advice I can offer is that time heals all wounds. It will hurt for a while believe me but you will overcome her. The stronger your feelings were for her the longer it will take. We have all been there. There is no need to actively make any changes to your life to pretend like she doesn't exist. People will tell you to do things for the purpose of taking your mind off of her because you will find you will be thinking about her a lot. Although it isn't good to pine over her, I would say it doesn't hurt to let her go from your heart naturally. That means, just roll with whatever emotion comes to you and don't fight it. Eventually you will get over her. I know what you mean about doing what is best for her. Although it may hurt sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't get hurt in the long run. If breaking up is what she wants, then you have to let her go even if it hurts you. I was in that position and I still haven't gotten over her and I may not for a long time to come but she made herself very clear about what she wanted and it wasn't me. I had to respect that so I had to let her go even though I pursued her for a long time. I miss her terribly to the point where it is affecting my daily activities. But I have no choice but to deal with it. She knows what is best for her and what will make her happy and I have to respect that because I do care about her and want her to be happy even if it means being without me. All I can say is that time will heal our wounds. First, he's involved with more than just you online (or IRL) and was referring to that other person. I doubt that:too much of a coincidence. Anything is possible. However, we did spend a lot of time together online, but of course he could have been talking to someone else at the same time he was with me. But again, he quoted me in his post and everything he said was referring to me, unless there's another woman just like me out there. lol. Or, he's decided , for whatever reason, not to respond to your ultimatum ( I suspect he's still married) and has decided to package his rejection of you as your rejection of him in an attempt to gain sympathy and announce his renewed availability. Here's the thing with this... On the message he posted they don't like us very much (lol) because him and I for the most part go there to mess around, you know we're not our 'normal' selves, and people don't like that. He is disliked more than I am so that is DEFINITELY not a place where he will get sympathy and he knows it. I really do believe he posted there so I could see how much he's hurting. Trying to get sympathy from me I can see. But he's not getting it. Because you nailed his nuts to the wall with a firm, no-nonsense ultimatum. He no longer was getting what he wanted from you (in which you fulfilled a specific set of needs that did not include divorce from his wife, or anything outside of an OW relationship), and subsequently he dropped you. This is interesting and you may be right. The weird thing is we were making plans for a LTR, everything was being panned out. Maybe it was all an act who knows? Its fairly simple. Feeble, even. Posting such a wistful "poor me" message on a public forum would garner him lots of sympathy, while emailing you directly with something like "I lied to you all along, and never intend to leave my wife" would garner him significantly less. This way, you get to look like the 'bad guy', and its all 'your fault' for messing up this 'good thing'. He played up the 'she rejected me romantically' and failed to mention the 'because I won't leave my wife' part. Nah he'll never get sympathy on that board, trust me. lol He's referring to his wife - and he failed to tell you about it because he wanted to be careful about laying the groundwork in case of legal problems, but I am fairly doubtful of that. You'd have heard from him by now if that's the case, I would imagine. Nah he was very specific on the post so I can see he was writing about me. You won't really know until you talk to him directly though. It would be interesting to see how long he goes without contacting you. I can't help but wonder if he's calling your bluff and waiting for what he sees as an inevitable 'caving in'. If you stand your ground firmly, there's no telling what the outcome will be. Yeah I agree with you here. He should know me better than that though, I'm very strong and stubborn especially if I know I'm right. So he should know there will be no caving on my part. I just don't understand why he didn't reply to my choices though you know. I can see how a platonic friendship with me is not what he wants but I would think that with the level of communication we had he would at least email me and tell me his thoughts. Thanks again YOU GUYS ROCK!
meanon Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 I just don't understand why he didn't reply to my choices though you know. I can see how a platonic friendship with me is not what he wants but I would think that with the level of communication we had he would at least email me and tell me his thoughts. He ignored you because he either didn't want to explain his choices or he resented you for no longer providing whatever he needed at the time, for making him choose. It's not a reflection of the level of communication you had. It's a reflection of the fact that he doesn't care about how it made you feel. The sympathy bid was also designed to make him feel better at your expense.
Author Dorkette Posted April 20, 2005 Author Posted April 20, 2005 Originally posted by meanon It's a reflection of the fact that he doesn't care about how it made you feel. The sympathy bid was also designed to make him feel better at your expense. That makes sense. Not happy to read it but it makes a lot of sense. He also made a reply to a post yesterday or the day before about birth control and side effects, he referred to his wife as "Ex-Wife". I think maybe that was a shot at me, like saying "I told you I was going through a divorce and you didn't stick by me" or something. I've been feeling pretty angry the last couple of days. It's not right to leave someone hanging. And I'm tired of these posts he makes. He doesn't do it often, but instead of posting like that he should of told me what he decided.
Author Dorkette Posted April 21, 2005 Author Posted April 21, 2005 I just wanted to thank those of you that offered advice and comments. He contacted me and evrything is clear now. Thanks again!
Merin Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Just one more thing to add.. and sorry I'm late on this... What kind of a person post's that they've gone thier own way on a message board (that obviously the 2 of you both frequent) without actually telling the peson in question (You) WTF is going on? Is it just me? Have I taken to many doses of medicine tonite? LOL it could really just be me... but I wouldn't be down for even dating a guy even in a casual way that would do something so immature like that...
Author Dorkette Posted April 22, 2005 Author Posted April 22, 2005 LOL Here's what happened... That night we were going back and forth with emails because I didn't wanna talk on messenger, we were discussing the issues. So I finally got fed up and told him "I don't wanna talk to you anymore blah blah here are your 2 choices". Well what I meant was that he needed to make a choice because I was NOT going to keep going back and forth that night. I felt it was going no where. So I shot that last email at him. Well he sent me this email yesterday: "I know you don't want to talk to me but I just have to tell you that I really miss you. I have tried unsuccessfully to stop thinking about you but I can't. I really miss you a lot. You are still on my mind all the time. I wish I can still be with you. You don't have to respond to this if you don't want to. I just wanted to let you know I still care about you." And I replied with: "And I have been wondering why you hadn't replied to my last email where I gave you two choices. Why haven't you?" He replied with: "You said you didn't want to talk to me anymore unless I show up are your doorstep with divorce papers. You specifically said to not email you back and forth because you won't be responding. It was either that or you want us to be friends. I don't want to be your friend unless I can be more than that with a friendship. For one, I don't want to have to read about you dating other guys. That is crazy, how on earth can I go from what I feel for you to have to listen to you dating Carlos? Are you out of your mind? I'm not going to do that. That got to me. I don't want to be your friend I want more. Well just to let you know I am working on that. You want divorce papers? You will get divorce papers. That is a promise. I was maintaining the hope that you still feel the same way about me when I am able to see you. If you don't, Fine. I just emailed you to let you know I miss you. I'm dying to talk to you but you don't want me to call or write." I replied with: "No what I meant was that I was tired of the back and forth that day and that a decision needed to be made. I'm sure you can understand my position in this and I was hoping to hear what you chose. Who's Carlos? I'm not seeing anyone. I was giving you an example at the level the friendship would be if that was what you chose. My feelings for you have not changed, however, we cannot go back to talking how we used to that will be really unfair to me given your marital status. Thanks for letting me know that I will get divorce papers. I truly hope so because it is what I want. And yes, I miss you too." He replied with: "Yes I do understand your position. Well for the record I choose to strive for a romantic relationship with you. I am looking to be with you when this is all over. I'm so relieved that you aren't seeing anyone. Like I said, I can't be relegated to being simply your friend at this point. My current situation isn't so good. The house is on the market and I am staying with my brother temporarily because I can't stay there unless she stays there too. It has to be sold and all of our property has to be divided blah blah blah. I have this to deal with right now. It's not necessarily bitter but it isn't pleasant either. How have you been?" After we had a small chat, he called me last night and called me again today. I told him tonight that we could still communicate via email here and there but that I was NOT going to put my heart on the line until I knew his divorce was final. Needless to say he didn't like it but understood. So that's where we're at now.
Merin Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by Dorkette Not yet. He lives in the same state as you?
Author Dorkette Posted April 22, 2005 Author Posted April 22, 2005 No he doesn't but I was planning on moving to his state prior to meeting him. It's still in the works for me. He had planned a trip a couple of weeks ago to come spend the weekend but I backed out on it because his divorce wasn't final. I kinda freaked out.
Merin Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by Dorkette No he doesn't but I was planning on moving to his state prior to meeting him. It's still in the works for me. He had planned a trip a couple of weeks ago to come spend the weekend but I backed out on it because his divorce wasn't final. I kinda freaked out. All okay.. I get it now. LOL sorry for real, I'm medicated! Well I hope it all turns out well for you... be careful.
Author Dorkette Posted April 22, 2005 Author Posted April 22, 2005 LOL No problem girl Can have some of what you're having? Thanks for your comments Well I hope it all turns out well for you... be careful. Thanks.
BigB Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Sounds like it was mostly a mis-communication. That's bound to happen when communicating over email. I hope it works out, and be careful. you guys are both in pretty deep for having never met IRL.
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