Lurkeraspect Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Why do seemingly brilliant women and men fall for otherwise taken people? Why would these same people accept all the lame lines; I don't sleep with my spouse, we have nothing in common, we're just staying together for the kids, we're roommates, it would "kill" the spouse/SO if I left, mortgage, dying parent, dog, dying dog, house, investments, business, (insert lame excuse here). It's really baffleing to me that otherwise intelligent, highly functioning people accept and justify crap. Crap they would never in a million years put up with an otherwise single person. Why do they waste months, years and sometimes decades for a big, fat zero. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I'm watching "Snapped" right now... Swedish dude...intelligent, a genius - a scientist who was attractive, older, a bachelor living in an affluent condo (with valet parking, a doorman - money, ok?)... One day he bumps into this late 40's Hispanic woman who has literally no home. She barely graduated high school, divorced twice, left her kids and was busy running the streets and men paid for her living. I mean, that's literally how she ran into the Swedish guy - she bumped into him after a night in some guy's condo in that building. Well, he starts dating this reckless trash and he ends up getting killed by her. So, to answer the OP's question - every day idiots are born and walk amongst us. "Why" they get with certain people and waste time/ruin their lives? I don't know, lonely, self-hatred, "Captain save a ho"/"Only "I" can love him" complex? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Why do seemingly brilliant women and men fall for otherwise taken people? Why would these same people accept all the lame lines; I don't sleep with my spouse, we have nothing in common, we're just staying together for the kids, we're roommates, it would "kill" the spouse/SO if I left, mortgage, dying parent, dog, dying dog, house, investments, business, (insert lame excuse here). It's really baffleing to me that otherwise intelligent, highly functioning people accept and justify crap. Crap they would never in a million years put up with an otherwise single person. Why do they waste months, years and sometimes decades for a big, fat zero. i learned one thing - highly intelligent, brilliant and functioning people aren't neccessarily moral, highly confident, emotionally mature & stable or emotionally intelligent people. some of the most brilliant folks in the history of the world were the absolute idiots & doormats when it came to emotions & love. i have never seen someone who has healthy emotional intelligence stuck in an As for too long. they can end up in an A but they leave as soon as they realize the relationship won't progress - i'm talking months here. and why do they begin the A in the 1st place? it's always about those 5% that do leave - they always hope they'll be one of them so it's worth trying. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lurkeraspect Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 i learned one thing - highly intelligent, brilliant and functioning people aren't neccessarily moral, highly confident, emotionally mature & stable or emotionally intelligent people. some of the most brilliant folks in the history of the world were the absolute idiots & doormats when it came to emotions & love. i have never seen someone who has healthy emotional intelligence stuck in an As for too long. they can end up in an A but they leave as soon as they realize the relationship won't progress - i'm talking months here. and why do they begin the A in the 1st place? it's always about those 5% that do leave - they always hope they'll be one of them so it's worth trying. I agree with a lot of what you've said here. I bring this topic up because I was having dinner with my closest girlfriends and we wandered into this subject. Most of these women brought up some of your very points and another one was that the people who seek out (and I believe they are out there) affairs are emotionally unavailable individuals who have nothing to give an emotionally stable person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 intelligence and gullibility are not foreign to one another. Met people who are book smart yet not street smart. There in lays the reasoning that even a book versed person can lay amongst the sheep and be lured by the wolves. Common sense and wisdom rarely are found in a book. Some people have a sixth sense when it comes to knowing when a person is blowing smoke... Some folks let curiousity take root. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bohonia Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Because they are just as messed up. Just because someone shows on the outside they are put together doesn't actually mean they are. They and the people they engage with (as far as these affairs) make up excuses on both ends to justify their behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I agree with a lot of what you've said here. I bring this topic up because I was having dinner with my closest girlfriends and we wandered into this subject. Most of these women brought up some of your very points and another one was that the people who seek out (and I believe they are out there) affairs are emotionally unavailable individuals who have nothing to give an emotionally stable person. Agreed, but as a person who is probably emotionally unavailable - not all of us seek out these types of RLs cuz we believe the "jive" some married guy is telling us. I don't exclusively date married and/or involved guys - but I have...And, when I did, they didn't have to lay on the whole "oh, I'm an unhappily married guy" story to make my drop my drawers...I just wanted someone who can give me the limited attention I craved w/o me having to worry about it going somewhere. I mean, I guess my mentality is 'dude can have his life, I "borrow" him now and then and his family life doesn't get disturbed and I get my "itch" scratched now and then...so it's a win/win and no one gets hurt. But yea, if you don't like the wifey it does make it easier to not feel bad about having an affair with dude. But, I don't know about other OW, but I could care less about "her". My last FWB was the one who felt he had to "volunteer" information about his situation (Who knows, cuz he wanted to absolve himself of any guilt? Or, was he a playa who got a kick out of giving the o'l 'I'm an unhappily married guy story?) and it would drive me up the wall. I'd give him advice on how to melt the "Ice Queen", but after a while I got tired of it and grew resentful of him having so much empathy/sympathy for her - while all I could see was a withholding byach who used her childhood abuse as a way to take out her unresolved anger against men - including my FWB. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Because they are just as messed up. Just because someone shows on the outside they are put together doesn't actually mean they are. They and the people they engage with (as far as these affairs) make up excuses on both ends to justify their behavior. Well, it's not "excuses"...ok? In my case, maybe I could go to therapy and find how to love/trust people - but sorry, I just won't do it - especially how people are shallow and crappy now a days. I am not going to open up my heart and wallet to be abused of. And, definitely not gonna get knocked up and then left with 18 years of a burden cuz guys are full of crap. So, let me be in the RLs that "I" feel comfortable in - as long as me and the guy I'm with aren't hurting anyone - then it's all good to me. And, talk about us emotionally wrecked people all day - at least we are not engaging in marriage on false pretenses and/or having kids and mistreating them....All the "healthy" people out there in sexless, terrible marriages and/or kids pawned off to daycare - yet they want to snub their noses on anyone not in their club. Gotta love the women who are married and are fat, lazy, and can't/don't care to cook/clean - yet get the ring and the guy and are a sign of "respect" in the communities Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 In my case, maybe I could go to therapy and find how to love/trust people - but sorry, I just won't do it... you shouldn't go to therapy just to "learn how to love & trust people" - but to learn how to overcome this ridiculous, enormous fear of getting hurt. And, definitely not gonna get knocked up and then left with 18 years of a burden... if you don't want to get knocked up - get your tubes tied, problem solved. and if you do decide to have kids (for the right reasons), you won't think of them as a burden. sooooo... there is that. ...at least we are not engaging in marriage on false pretenses and/or having kids and mistreating them... no, you're just engaging in an As on false pretenses (because i have way too much experience to buy the "well, i'm seeing attached folks because lesser chance of developing feelings & me getting hurt" story). I just wanted someone who can give me the limited attention I craved w/o me having to worry about it going somewhere. this is what many folks fail to understanding - just because someone is married or taken, it DOES NOT mean that there won't be any feelings involved. folks who truly just want a FWB - won't go for a married, attached man with baggage & possible drama. they will go for someone who has a status just like their own. IN FACT - there is a less chance of your relationship going somehwere with a single FWB than it is with someone who is married or taken. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) Why do they waste months, years and sometimes decades for a big, fat zero. You are throwing out a straw man. You are assuming that they get nothing from it. Obviously they do get something from it and it is too good to give up. And decades? Seriously? That is far longer than many marriages last. Does being happy have to mean forever? I am just now ending a three year relationship with my sugar baby and they were the three best years of my life. To say I got nothing from it is it say that only the future counts and the present doesn't. In other words, all that we really have is the moment. Some of us have realized that living for the future means missing out on today. It is ripping my heart out to let her go, but it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. How can I possibly regret the most cherished moments of my life? Edited April 20, 2015 by Robert Z 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Because we all make mistakes... Then we learn from them and go on to lead happier, more fulfilling lives... Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Why do seemingly brilliant women and men fall for otherwise taken people? Why would these same people accept all the lame lines; I don't sleep with my spouse, we have nothing in common, we're just staying together for the kids, we're roommates, it would "kill" the spouse/SO if I left, mortgage, dying parent, dog, dying dog, house, investments, business, (insert lame excuse here). It's really baffleing to me that otherwise intelligent, highly functioning people accept and justify crap. Crap they would never in a million years put up with an otherwise single person. Why do they waste months, years and sometimes decades for a big, fat zero. Sometimes those "lame lines" are true. And sometimes we are not "putting up with crap", we are just biding our time because a part-time R suits our needs, and when our needs change and we want a full-time R we make it happen - he dumps the vestigial (sexless, lame, etc) M and we get together full-time. There are enough of our stories here on these boards to show it can, and does, happen when we are ready for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Brilliant and high functioning are a particular skill set that isn't necessarily related to emotional intelligence neither does it preclude one from having other kinds of issues emotionally or psychologically. Most of us have some kind of issue from our family of origin and brilliance and intelligence don't solve it. Some of the most brilliant people are also the most neurotic. Outside of neuroses, relationships, love, romance, that whole realm isn't governed solely by intelligence. We inherit a lot subconsciously in that regard and that explains why one can be intelligent but still end up in dysfunctional relationships. One may be better able to rationalize and even discuss one's issues at length or be even more stubborn and unaware of them is the only thing, but otherwise, brilliance doesn't make you insusceptible to emotional unavailability, low self worth, low self esteem, anxiety, impulsiveness or any other factor contributing to choosing dysfunctional scenarios. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) This is all crap unless you can justify the statement that they get nothing from the relationship. That is obviously a false statement. It doesn't help to discuss emotional availability if you ignore logic and operate on a false premise. Also, what does emotional availability or emotional intelligence have to do with structure? I have been in the most open, honest, and rewarding relationship I've ever had. But what bothers people about my situation is that there is no prize at the end. I don't win control. I accept limitations for love. Isn't that more emotionally open than requiring a certain structure? Why does love require some sort of victory? Is this a control issue? Edited April 20, 2015 by Robert Z Link to post Share on other sites
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