Jonp219 Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 All my life I've always dated one girl at a time. I'm 25, in my entire life I've dated 4 girls and 2 of them I ended up in relationships with (shooting 50% not bad). Anyway, for some reason I've always had an issue with dating multiple people at once. One, because it always felt weird to me, and two, it's like the most difficult thing to do lol. Funny thing is I've always had prospects, I just never took them up on the offer. My best friend told me, "You need to get out of that mindset or every date that rejects you will feel like a break-up, be more open-minded". I'm very open-minded--just not in the dating world lol Anyone ever felt like this or still does?
neowulf Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 All my life I've always dated one girl at a time. I'm 25, in my entire life I've dated 4 girls and 2 of them I ended up in relationships with (shooting 50% not bad). Anyway, for some reason I've always had an issue with dating multiple people at once. One, because it always felt weird to me, and two, it's like the most difficult thing to do lol. Funny thing is I've always had prospects, I just never took them up on the offer. My best friend told me, "You need to get out of that mindset or every date that rejects you will feel like a break-up, be more open-minded". I'm very open-minded--just not in the dating world lol Anyone ever felt like this or still does? Yep, went I was younger I used to very much be relationship minded. That meant that I didn't "date" per say, but rather found a girl I liked and pushed hard for a relationship with her. In some ways, it was positive. At 36, I have a LOT of relationship experience. That said, it consumed a lot of valuable time. Time I could have spent meeting more people. These days, I try and take a more detached view of dating. Until the relationship becomes sexual, it's not a relationship. I don't really go in for sex outside of a committed relationship, but everything up to that point is really just "dating". Dating is just window shopping man. It's different people trying each other on to see how they fit together. The more you think about dating like this, the less it'll gut you when it doesn't work out. 1
TheBathWater Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Oh my brother, how I understand well. I am 31 years old and have felt exactly as you describe. Only in the past year have I started to change and date 2-3 women at a time and get more comfortable with the idea. Sometimes, depending on the woman I am dating, I don't want her or I to date anyone else, but I think the reason this happens for me sometimes is because I invest too much emotion early on and fear competing with other men for the lady. For better or worse, women are way more open today than in the past, and this can create many a unnerving men if they are interested in her seriously. I'm not sure what changed for me exactly and why I can usually date multiple women now. Maybe now that I'm older, I've come to value creating memorable and beautiful experiences with other people over imposing preconceived ideologies onto other people. I consider myself a man who is open to all outcomes and attached to none. Or maybe I've just been around enough at this point that I'm jaded. My mate value has also skyrocketed in the last year or so due to my career, looks, status/power, so I also tend to have more women pursuing me now as well. I don't know, really. I'm just sort of thinking out loud as I'm writing this. You shouldn't have to change your values if you don't want to. You'll only end up in dating situations that you feel uncomfortable in and cannot give yourself fully too. Everyone loses. I suggest trying to navigate the murky waters for a partner who has similar values to yours, and over time your experiences may or may not shift how you want to date. Sounds cliche, but just be you!
TheBathWater Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 These days, I try and take a more detached view of dating. [...] Dating is just window shopping man. It's different people trying each other on to see how they fit together. The more you think about dating like this, the less it'll gut you when it doesn't work out. I agree with this for sure.
Satu Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 If you engage with many, you're not engaging with any.
central Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I've always been relationship-minded, but multi-dated whenever possible to find the best prospects as quickly as possible. IMO, only a few percent of people you meet/date are sufficiently compatible for long term relationships, AND also generate chemistry between you.
Author Jonp219 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 I've always been relationship-minded, but multi-dated whenever possible to find the best prospects as quickly as possible. IMO, only a few percent of people you meet/date are sufficiently compatible for long term relationships, AND also generate chemistry between you. I guess I got lucky those 2 times then lol
Author Jonp219 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 If you engage with many, you're not engaging with any. But wouldn't that be the best way to find someone who's compatible with you? I feel like if I were to take MY approach now it would be really hard for me to land someone worth my time. It's not what i want to do, but doesn't probability have a lot to do with it?
neowulf Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 If you engage with many, you're not engaging with any. Yes and no. I understand what you mean. You certainly dont' want to find yourself in a situation where you're trying to play people against each other. Lets say I'm chatting with 3 women, and organising dates with them. I might go on 3 dates in a week. The maximum number of dates I'm going on with any particular girl is 3, because by then, you should have an idea of what you're feeling. So really, there's a period of about a month where technically you might be going on dates with 3 different women. The alternative is becoming over invested in a single woman and turning away meeting other people, before you've really figured out if you want to invest or not.
Author Jonp219 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 Yes and no. I understand what you mean. You certainly dont' want to find yourself in a situation where you're trying to play people against each other. Lets say I'm chatting with 3 women, and organising dates with them. I might go on 3 dates in a week. The maximum number of dates I'm going on with any particular girl is 3, because by then, you should have an idea of what you're feeling. So really, there's a period of about a month where technically you might be going on dates with 3 different women. The alternative is becoming over invested in a single woman and turning away meeting other people, before you've really figured out if you want to invest or not. But what if you went on 3 dates with one girl? Do you drop the other 2 and pursue this one (with the risk of ending up with nobody) or continue dating all 3 of them until you have a clearer picture?
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 There is something called circular dating / multidating. Psychologists have been recommending it for years. Date up to 3 people at a time. It can soften the blow if one rejects you, because you have another to fall back on. Also recommended for people who have a bad picker. But the people with very good relationship skills, who don't have many problems with relationships, simply have a few dates with one person and it quickly escalates into a relationship. They rarely go on more than 1 or 2 dates with a person if it won't be a relationship. For these people, when you know, you know. The choice is your. 3
katiegrl Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 But wouldn't that be the best way to find someone who's compatible with you? How so? By giving little bits of yourself to many different women, instead of giving all of yourself to one woman? I have always focused on one at a time as well. So have the men I have been in relationships with, including my current of 5+ years. That doesn't mean we start spending 24/7 together, texting/calling daily or even being exclusive. We are still free to date others, if we so choose, we just choose not to ... so as to focus on each other to determine whether or not we are right for each other long term. But you gotta understand, these were men I totally clicked with immediately, felt that elusive *spark* with right from the getgo! I have been on a ton of dates wherein I felt nothing, no spark at all, and with those men, there was no second date even. For me, it's either there from the getgo or it's never gonna be there, and when it's not, I just move on. I don't continue dating them hoping miraculously that I will wake up one morn and realize how into him I am! Not gonna happen. That is why circular dating never worked for me. I meet a man, we click, I give my all to him, as opposed to dating many guys, and giving bits of myself to each of them. For me, focusing on one at a time is how I determine whether or not we are compatible. And if it turns out we are not, whether that takes a day, a week, a month or a year, then I move on! And continue my search! Hope that makes sense!
katiegrl Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 There is something called circular dating / multidating. Psychologists have been recommending it for years. Date up to 3 people at a time. It can soften the blow if one rejects you, because you have another to fall back on. Also recommended for people who have a bad picker. But the people with very good relationship skills, who don't have many problems with relationships, simply have a few dates with one person and it quickly escalates into a relationship. They rarely go on more than 1 or 2 dates with a person if it won't be a relationship. For these people, when you know, you know. The choice is your. ^^Gary I just read this. Your second paragraph -- you just described me to a TEE!! :) 1
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 ^^Gary I just read this. Your second paragraph -- you just described me to a TEE!! :) - I know darling
neowulf Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 But what if you went on 3 dates with one girl? Do you drop the other 2 and pursue this one (with the risk of ending up with nobody) or continue dating all 3 of them until you have a clearer picture? Unless you got a really clear, strong, mutual feeling from one of the girls, then I'd continue with the three date pattern. The point is to find a good match. Deciding after a single meeting you've "found the right one" isn't always possible, or wise.
neowulf Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 There is something called circular dating / multidating. Psychologists have been recommending it for years. Date up to 3 people at a time. It can soften the blow if one rejects you, because you have another to fall back on. Also recommended for people who have a bad picker. But the people with very good relationship skills, who don't have many problems with relationships, simply have a few dates with one person and it quickly escalates into a relationship. They rarely go on more than 1 or 2 dates with a person if it won't be a relationship. For these people, when you know, you know. The choice is your. Yeah, when I was younger and less damaged, I was more in the second category. These days, I don't jump in before I know what I'm getting myself into.
TB Rhine Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Women date multiple guys because they can afford it... they don't have to pay for anything, much less take the initiative to reach out to guys in the first place.
katiegrl Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Unless you got a really clear, strong, mutual feeling from one of the girls, then I'd continue with the three date pattern. The point is to find a good match. Deciding after a single meeting you've "found the right one" isn't always possible, or wise. I don't think anyone, even those who choose to focus on one at a time, know right away that they've "found the right one." That takes time! What they know right away is that they click with this person and feel a special connection and chemistry with this person. Enough so that they are willing to and desirous of focusing only on them until such time they DO know that this person *is* the "right one." And if they are, they move forward into an exclusive relationship. If not, they move on and continue their search!
neowulf Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I don't think anyone, even those who choose to focus on one at a time, know right away that they've "found the right one." That takes time! What they know right away is that they click with this person and feel a special connection and chemistry with this person. Enough so that they are willing to and desirous of focusing only on them until such time they DO know that this person *is* the "right one." And if they are, they move forward into an exclusive relationship. If not, they move on and continue their search! I appreciate that may be your experience. It wasn't mine though. When I was younger, I used to joke I knew in the first 5 minutes a girl was going to be my girlfriend. It was just this "feeling" of manifest destiny; We were already a couple in my mind, I was just waiting for her to catch up. When I got that feeling, I knew I'd found someone to focus all my energy and attention on. Every single time I had that feeling, I was right. Every. Single. Time. Now.. now days I struggle to tell if I'm interested or not. Those days of simply "knowing" appear to have left me. I don't really know how I feel about most of the women I meet. I usually don't' feel a strong attraction, even when we appear to get on well enough. So I go on a few dates and wait for "clues" as to how I might be feeling. I miss the old me.
Author Jonp219 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 I appreciate that may be your experience. It wasn't mine though. When I was younger, I used to joke I knew in the first 5 minutes a girl was going to be my girlfriend. It was just this "feeling" of manifest destiny; We were already a couple in my mind, I was just waiting for her to catch up. When I got that feeling, I knew I'd found someone to focus all my energy and attention on. Every single time I had that feeling, I was right. Every. Single. Time. Now.. now days I struggle to tell if I'm interested or not. Those days of simply "knowing" appear to have left me. I don't really know how I feel about most of the women I meet. I usually don't' feel a strong attraction, even when we appear to get on well enough. So I go on a few dates and wait for "clues" as to how I might be feeling. I miss the old me. Any reason to why you're so disinterested?
Toodaloo Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I think different methods work for different people. I know that when I tried multiple dating I got myself in to a real pickle and it was not good for me. I am a one person at a time kind of girl so I am reverting back to that. Thankfully one has progressed on a more friendly basis and its left me to concentrate on the other. So from my perspective multiple dating is not great. Where it did seem better than one at a time is that I was so damned busy with trying to keep up with them all that I didn't notice when they fell by the way side. It also meant that because I didn't have much time I was cutting out any bull from people. Shame really as I know a couple of men were disappointed but they showed characteristics that I didn't particularly like. One thing I will say is that if you like someone be very direct and clear about it. Do not dither about. Do not waste time on people who you think are messing you about. It is cut throat. You have to be prepared for that and all it involves if you are going to do on line dating. 1
neowulf Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Any reason to why you're so disinterested? Combination of medication, chronic low grade depression and emotional trauma I imagine. My heart just isn't in a hurry to "flutter" these days Everyone's got baggage. My point being that I've learnt though experience not to over invest in people before you get the chance to know them. It's a great way of wasting a lot of time and energy.
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