He took his Wedding Ring off

[No Limit]

Even if he is in an affair or in love with another he is still staying with us now.

 

At the very least he's grooming the OW to be an exit-affair. Normal MM don't need to put that much effort like taking off the ring, the other woman will stay regardless only to hear more lies like "You're the true woman I want, not my wife".

 

He doesn't love his children enough to leave - or act - with dignity. Not a good example for your kids - do you want to show them that staying with a cheater is okay?

[veggirl]

It sounds like you are wasting your life with him. Wow. Life is too short imo but too each their own. I think you'll regret staying with him. Not sure how you can say you stay together for the kids when you argue and say mean stuff to each other in front of them. They aren't stupid, you know.

[veggirl]

Why is divorce considered a failure but living this sham of a marriage is not?!!

 

How is raising your children to see this as acceptable healthy for them?

 

Good point. If you have a daughter, you are teaching her that your awful marriage is normal and how things are. Yikes!

[stillafool]

Well the therapist reveal was two years ago in May. Then the business stuff happened last year then the ring came off in September.

 

Seems like he is just treading water here. I guess if I don't mention the ring we can continue this way for the kids (one leaves for College this fall).

 

Even if he is in an affair or in love with another he is still staying with us now.

 

So is this all that matters to you? You seem as if you don't care that he cheats as long as he stays with you. Is this what you want your life to be? Can you live this way for the rest of your life? He is definitely waiting and wanting you to pull the plug on this marriage but it seems that he is now dependent on you financially. I don't think it would have made a difference if you went on vacation or not as he was still going to see his OW. Is this the type of relationship you would want for your children? You are showing them that this is what a marriage looks like.

[Syberia]

Good point. If you have a daughter, you are teaching her that your awful marriage is normal and how things are. Yikes!

I came out of one of these marriages. My parents also "stayed together for the kids." They never openly fought in front of us that I remember, but they literally not talk to each other and slept in different rooms. My mom did not seem to care one bit that my dad was sleeping with other women; at one point she actually told me that her and my dad did not love each other, and then took it one step further and told me that this is how marriages go.

 

The fact that many of my childhood friends also had parents in dysfunctional marriages did not help, but since I met my wife at age 18, this is the view of marriage I took into that relationship. Before we got married, I went on a camping trip with her and her parents and remember my complete shock when I heard her parents making love in their tent - not necessarily at the act itself, but at the fact that two parents with grown children could still have that type of relationship.

 

I'm finally over it now at age 27, but when my own marriage was having some difficulties, I did not put in the effort to fix it for the longest time because I had just justified it to myself that marriages die and spouses become unhappy or leave as part of their natural course. It took finding this site and reading posts from happy older spouses, particularly those with children, to show me that this is not the case.

[the_artist_1970]

Why are you in a M that neither one of you are getting any fulfillment from? You and your DH are depriving each other of a wonderful and loving M. It sounds like you both are waiting on the other to pull the trigger and end the M. Of course he is having an A. Most ppl need intimacy. It's wonderful to have a partner whom you can share and be intimate with. I say work on your M or end it. You would be surprised how great you would feel if you ended the dead M and opened yourself up to a new exciting relationship; or if you showed your DH that you wanted to be M to him and he did the same to you and the two of you created a solid M. Your children are watching and learning from you two. If they don't see love and intimacy in your M, they will grow up and have intimacy issues.

[clanforlife]

I really did think he had been with only one person. And he didn't tell me the truth until after the therapy. Said he wanted to be "authentic". Then stopped talking when I went to a therapist too and told him mine was better then his because she had a PhD.

 

He removed the ring initally for a medical procedure. Then it never went back on. I'm sure he wonders why I havent brought it up. I am on top of everything else. Says alot about me, that I tackle everything with the kids school, sports, my extended families problems but here I haven't said a word about a Wedding Ring being removed that has been in place for 24 years:(

 

Do kids really notice the lack of love?

[whichwayisup]

I really did think he had been with only one person. And he didn't tell me the truth until after the therapy. Said he wanted to be "authentic". Then stopped talking when I went to a therapist too and told him mine was better then his because she had a PhD.

 

He removed the ring initally for a medical procedure. Then it never went back on. I'm sure he wonders why I havent brought it up. I am on top of everything else. Says alot about me, that I tackle everything with the kids school, sports, my extended families problems but here I haven't said a word about a Wedding Ring being removed that has been in place for 24 years:(

 

Do kids really notice the lack of love?

 

How old are your kids?

 

Yes. But with that said it depends on how in tune and sensitive they are to their surroundings and how close knit you all are as a family unit. Kids aren't stupid, they listen in on conversations and can feel a bad energy too, if you and your H are not on speaking terms and it's forced or fighting etc, yes they will notice.

[CarrieT]

Do kids really notice the lack of love?

Of course they do!

 

You are raising your children to believe that a marriage is nothing other than roommates. Why not teach them that a marriage can be a true and loving partnership with signs of affection?

[cocorico]

I really did think he had been with only one person. And he didn't tell me the truth until after the therapy. Said he wanted to be "authentic". Then stopped talking when I went to a therapist too and told him mine was better then his because she had a PhD.

 

Are you surprised he stopped talking to you if you slap him with a passive aggressive comment like that?

 

 

Do kids really notice the lack of love?

 

Of course they do!

 

I wasn't yet in school when I asked my father why he and my mother didn't divorce, when it was clear they didn't love each other.

 

If your kids have ever been near a "normal" (loving) relationship then yes, they know what love looks like, and they can tell when it's not there.

 

They're watching, and they're learning, and what you're teaching them is that they don't deserve to be loved.

[sandylee1]

I really did think he had been with only one person. And he didn't tell me the truth until after the therapy. Said he wanted to be "authentic". Then stopped talking when I went to a therapist too and told him mine was better then his because she had a PhD.

 

He removed the ring initally for a medical procedure. Then it never went back on. I'm sure he wonders why I havent brought it up. I am on top of everything else. Says alot about me, that I tackle everything with the kids school, sports, my extended families problems but here I haven't said a word about a Wedding Ring being removed that has been in place for 24 years:(

 

Do kids really notice the lack of love?

 

Does it really matter how many people he slept with before you? It's in the past. The present is what you need to focus on. So many children who lived through their parents awful marriages grow up and end up being dysfunctional.

 

I've read a lot of WW, were girls who saw cheating and unhappy loveless marriages end up becoming the OW/WW. They've seen cheating and a loveless marriage. That's what they learn. A lot of WH had dad's that cheated and saw their mom's stay and put up with it. I'm not saying every WS saw unhappy marriages, but A LOT did. They have FOO (family of origin ) issues.

 

Kids know when they don't see their parents hug, kiss, have fun together and generally communicate well. Even when they don't witness arguments, they sense the silence and the atmosphere isn't great .

 

You only get one life. Why would you want to stay in a miserable marriage. By any chance did you or your husband witness parents in unhappy marriages?

[minimariah]

Then stopped talking when I went to a therapist too and told him mine was better then his because she had a PhD.

 

this is hilarious.

 

i can't believe you really told him that.

i'm starting to feel for this dude.

[clanforlife]

Well his therapist was all new age type and I don't believe that measures up to an advanced degree. When I met with him and her the one and only time she didn't say much. Told me I was wrong to say "he should do this" or 'he should do that". So I reacted to that I suppose with the "my therapist is better than your therapist" remark.

 

Plus he doesn't find me funny. My family thinks I am so funny but he doesn't. That really annoys me. Maybe I should make a joke about his invisible ring!

[CarrieT]

Okay, so he doesn't find you funny....

 

Why are you staying in a loveless marriage?

[clanforlife]

I dont want to be divorced, I don't want my my children to have a broken home. I told him I am loveable two years ago.

[Hope Shimmers]

I dont want to be divorced, I don't want my my children to have a broken home. I told him I am loveable two years ago.

 

Your children are in a broken home right now.

[Bohonia]

You both said you wouldn't be together if it weren't for the kids, it sounds like neither of you love each other as you were trying to cut off his cash flow to his new venture and he's not wearing his ring. It honestly sounds like a lot of spite being thrown all over the place and you are both miserable with each other.

[Hope Shimmers]

Then stopped talking when I went to a therapist too and told him mine was better then his because she had a PhD.

 

Actually I know several people with PhDs who are dumber than a red brick.

 

The telling thing with this statement is how you interact. That is an extremely passive-aggressive statement, as someone already mentioned.

 

With all this marital dysfunction in every direction, why are you focusing on why he isn't wearing his wedding ring? It's like the house is burning down around you, and you are wondering where the TV remote is.

 

What people are trying to say regarding your kids is that they get their baseline from their home environment. That's their "normal". You are doing them no favors by continuing to define this situation as "normal" to them by not fixing things that are wrong.

[No Limit]

A girl from my highschool class once told us how she'd begged her parents to divorce once. Adult people put so much pressure on being together whatever the cost they don't even realize that their children are smarter than a dog and are capable to see through it.

[sandylee1]

The therapist isn't there to agree with everything you say. Giving someone commands, telling your H to 'do this or that' doesn't work. If he's doing something you don't like or if you want him to do something, you need to communicate it better. You express how it makes you feel, when he does or doesnt do something.

 

I have a friend who went to MC and she thought the counsellor would tell her H, he was wrong to do this or that. Not so. They want each spouse to recognise how their actions affect the other. It's not a one for all . The actions carried out by a H in my marriage may be acceptable to me, but not to you.

 

I'll be honest saying your therapist was better because of the PhD, comes over as childish. Can you imagine if he told someone you said this. They'd probably think you have issues.

 

On being funny, he may have a different sense of humour than your family. Maybe he thinks you spend too much time with your family and could be a little jealous you have a great relationship with them.

 

You don't want to get divorced, you don't want your children split between the two of you, I fully understand that, but you need to do more than say loveable to make it work.

 

I don't condone cheating, but neither of you seem to make each other happy at all. I would totally understand if one or both of you cheated, because of the lack of love and intimacy. Perhaps an open marriage would suit you, if you want to stay together for the kids.

 

Do you think your children view it as a happy marriage?

The kind they'd like for themselves?

What gestures of love do they see between the two of you.?

 

It's really just a matter of time before it ends. This is one of those marriages that the husband tells his affair partner, my wife doesn't love me, i dont love her, we live like roommates, we're only together because of the kids and finances and it would be so true.

 

My dad never wore a wedding ring. I noticed that as a kid, so your kids could well have noticed your H has stopped wearing his too.

 

One of my friends broke down in tears, when her son of 19, asked why she stayed in this sham of a marriage, his dad was a serial cheater with 3 OCs (other children - born outside of the marriage, but during the marriage). She tried to argue that it wasn't always bad and he said the good times must have been before he started primary school, because he remembers it being bad from his earliest days. She thought they never noticed.

[georgia girl]

Clanforlife,

What does marriage mean to you? Someone who wears a ring with the same last name as yours and "lives" (for lack of a better word) in the same house?

 

 

Life is worth so much more. Please go back to your Ph.D. therapist and work on what you want, who you are and why you can't define yourself as anyone else than a mom and wife.

 

 

A very dear friend of mine was in a marriage like this. The couple eventually split but it was one of the most vitriolic splits I've ever seen. Why? Because they both had years and years of resentment when the break finally came. Fortunately, he never cheated but just plain left. When he did, he found someone else in a short time - about three years after the divorce he met his new wife - and he has the life he has always envisioned. She hasn't moved on. She still wants to be his wife. That ship sailed years ago. Even more sad, she still doesn't care that they had a lousy marriage.

 

 

Please seek help. This is not good for you and this is not good for your kids. And yes, they notice. Every stinking thing.

[clanforlife]

Thank you for the advice Georgiagirl, and everyone.

[Lion Heart]

Hi clanforlife,

 

I get why your LS name is this ^^^. I get why "family" = 2 parents + kids and I'm not gonna beat you up or tell you what to do (yeah maybe my first time on LS! Lol).

I just think I get you on some levels.

Alot of people here have presented all the concerns I thought of whilst reading through your thread.

 

I guess you know that you're living in denial in this M.

I think you've also done your best to carry on a good life in this type of M.

 

I also think you're getting pretty sick of the denial aspect, plus more realizations plus wondering if this WH is gonna take your family finances down the gurgler just like where your M is obviously going.

 

I DO think your WH is more concerned about being seen as the bad guy if he left at this time but I think he knows FAR more than you all about his "timeline" in this M.

 

SO my suggestion is this: you could ask him if he's got a time line for when he's planning to leave. I think he has. Even if you don't ask, I'd be as completely prepared as possible for a not so surprising end to this M by him leaving. Whether it be by exit affair or not, makes little difference. If YOU are prepared will make ALL the difference in the world for your future life without him.

 

Separating finances to protect yourself by any means possible has been my first step. I did this 10y ago when my H was wayward with finances. I've made major adjustments to this and everything else I can since my D Day 4 months ago. My WH is still here but it doesn't mean he always will be. He's shown his true colours through his actions and I'd be very unprepared NOT to take notice and act accordingly.

 

I simply can't trust him NOT to pull another stupid stunt and blame it all on a "mistake". That saying pasted all over LS?

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. "

 

You're a successful woman in most other areas of your life, when it's been only up to you. The issue with you and I is that it takes TWO committed partners to make a marriage work, if it was ONLY up to us then it probably would've. Not vain. Just apparent by the other successful sectors of our lives, not theirs.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[clanforlife]

Thank you Lion heart! But "The Clan for life" is my parents and siblings lol, that's what we call ourselves

[oldshirt]

This is one of if not the worst case of denial and head-in-the-sand that I have seen since I have been on LS. You are expending tons of energy and time to keep those thick blinders on to keep yourself from facing the facts.

 

Your marriage has been dead for many years.

 

Your husband is not wondering why you haven't asked him about the ring. He doesn't care. He also knows that you don't care about what he does. The ring is a huge nonissue here. It doesn't matter.

 

He doesn't matter to you. He knows that. He is just living his life and you are living yours. You just happen to share the same house and have biological children together.

 

You have suspected him of having an affair for years. Most people will lift a finger to do some snooping when they suspect their spouse is cheating. You haven't lifted a finger to find out because that would interfer with your PTA meetings and phone calls to your sister.

 

Your children aren't really children anymore. They are sub adults and young adults and they aren't as naive, negligent (yes, I said you are negligent) or in as much denial as you are. They know you two don't love each and couldn't care less about the other. These aren't babies and toddlers in diapers needing hands on, 24/7 care from two parents. You are just using them as an excuse to avoid the inevitable and keep your head in the sand and you very much run the risk that some day they will NOT thank you for staying together for the, but will rather be resentful that you used them as your excuse to live in the denial of a dead marriage.

 

Your husband offered you a free life on a silver platter. He offered you the opportunity to move forward with your life and end the farce of a marriage with honor and cooperation but you kept up the facade out of your own pride and selfishness because you didn't want to marked "divorced" on the marital status on a form.

 

You ignored every flapping red flag that your marriage was doomed and subjected your husband to living with a woman that didn't love or appreciate him, subjected your kids to a Cold War and role-modeled a dysfunctional and maladaptive relationship to them and you denied yourself ten years of the prime of your life to remain in a sham of a marriage. And you did all of this so you could you could pretend to be married to your family and the society ladies at school.

 

Your husband likely does have a girlfriend(s). He probably does have someone that cares for him and that he cares for.

 

What do you have? What do you have to show for all of this denial? What has all of this "sacrifice" brought you???

 

One of you is going to serve the other divorce papers one of these days. One of you is going to wake up one day and realize there is no legitimate reason to be married anymore and they are going to march down to the lawyers office and draw up the papers and file them.

 

You have a choice here. That person can be you. You can wake up and smell the coffee and take charge of your life and your own future and your destiny.

 

Or you can keep your head planted comfortably in the sand and receive the papers from him once he's all settled in with his new fiancé and they are needing to set the date for their wedding and just need the final divorce decree first.