maestrok Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Him and I have been dating for about a month now. Every time we meet though, he always just insinuates that he wants to hang, like he'd say "I am also free on Sunday" instead of asking me directly "Do you want to hang out on Sunday?" So I have always been the one who asks that question explicitly. And it started bothering me. Then he also always asks me what plans I have for us. I didn't mind coming up with a few things initially but then he's just so picky. And I feel like it's pretty condescending too. So a few days ago, this whole same annoying texts happened again. I told him it's kind of frustrating b/c he sounds careless. And he told me not to misread. And then I made suggestions which again he didn't like any of. Then we stopped texting and I was unsure if we were even meeting. So the next day I texted asking if we were meeting that night. He said we can't anymore bc he has to work. Which is understandable but really? he couldn't have told me that a bit earlier in case I want to make other plans? So I was pretty upset at that point and I didn't reply to that text. He didn't text me another either. I don't want this to get in between us and I would rather communicate openly about it but I am not even sure he can/wants to communicate. All the more, I don't want to text him first right now. But don't want this to be our last text. Thoughts?
WhatYouWantToHear Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 You're doomed. Honestly, you've done everything right--you confronted him, told you what the issue was, how it made you feel and what he should do to correct it. He has chosen not too. So, now its back on you. You can either get over this and stay with him, or realize he won't change and move on. Actually, there's a third option which is most often the path chosen--live with it for the time being, then blow up about it, fight, re-explain yourself, have it get better for a week, then return to where you are now. This may not seem like an issue to break up over, but its a symptom of him not listening nor respecting you. Its a paper cut on your relationship, but enough paper cuts eventually kill relationships. 2
preraph Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Stop texting! Have a phone call and don't let him waffle. When he says something vague, ask him "What does that mean?" Make him have a conversation about it. 1
Satu Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 He sounds like an apathetic dope. I'm guessing that that isn't what you're looking for, right? 4
fitnessfan365 Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 I know that some women frown upon gender role discussion. In today's society, it's supposed to be about equality between the sexes in every aspect of life. But I still believe that when it comes to romance and dating, things flow smoother when a guy acts like one - plans/pays/initiates (most of the time). Then a woman opens herself up to receive and trust her man's strength. When men act like women-wanting the OP to make plans and be the one to make the dates official, it subconsciously bothers her because it isn't the natural order. 5
beach Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 A month? I'm left wondering why he isn't calling to take you OUT on a date that he's planned? It must get exhausting making all the effort to plan and then have him be so picky. He's capable of using his brain for ideas - and for offering outings he has in mind. It seems like he's doing this backwards and having you be the male in this relationship. If he's a man - he should act like the man! 1
beach Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 I know that some women frown upon gender role discussion. In today's society, it's supposed to be about equality between the sexes in every aspect of life. But I still believe that when it comes to romance and dating, things flow smoother when a guy acts like one - plans/pays/initiates (most of the time). Then a woman opens herself up to receive and trust her man's strength. When men act like women-wanting the OP to make plans and be the one to make the dates official, it subconsciously bothers her because it isn't the natural order. It's one thing when a woman leads and the man allows her to lead. It's an entirely different thing when he puts her in a position of leading and then shows resistance to her ideas. Talk about swimming against the current! He's making things difficult.
Versacehottie Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 my answer is old school: if you want things to change and to have him "hear" you, let him reach out to you. He has to see that you are serious about wanting this to change to the point that you are willing to let the relationship go, which you should be unless you make peace internally about continuing to do all the planning. Plus he is sounding really girly. Why is he being picky about what you are planning?!? What a little emo-bitch! If and when he does contact you, be clear about why you hadn't been in contact, reasonable and communicative. Try to be brief. Less is more. This is very important. He is probably harping in his head that you are being unreasonable and emotional. He is not thinking about him being inconsiderate about telling you his update about working. Or that he's not being very masculine or putting much effort in with planning dates and ungrateful about the ones you plan. You guys are at a fork in the road, especially at a month in, why would you want to go forward if he can't meet you halfway or more? Good luck 1
Author maestrok Posted April 19, 2015 Author Posted April 19, 2015 my answer is old school: if you want things to change and to have him "hear" you, let him reach out to you. He has to see that you are serious about wanting this to change to the point that you are willing to let the relationship go, which you should be unless you make peace internally about continuing to do all the planning. Plus he is sounding really girly. Why is he being picky about what you are planning?!? What a little emo-bitch! If and when he does contact you, be clear about why you hadn't been in contact, reasonable and communicative. Try to be brief. Less is more. This is very important. He is probably harping in his head that you are being unreasonable and emotional. He is not thinking about him being inconsiderate about telling you his update about working. Or that he's not being very masculine or putting much effort in with planning dates and ungrateful about the ones you plan. You guys are at a fork in the road, especially at a month in, why would you want to go forward if he can't meet you halfway or more? Good luck Thank you all for your thoughts. I agree to most of them. Just didn't want this to be some sort of unnecessary pride contest... I want him to hear me out.... but I don't think I've really spoken on the issue other than that one text I mentioned above which I literally said "I feel a bit frustrated b/c you sound careless." Is that enough? Yes, I want to make it clear why I had not been in contact, etc ... but what if he doesn't reach out first? If things will still be different as we meet in person and discuss openly, maybe I should text first this time and see if he wants to talk about it at least? I don't know. I am not sure if he even realizes there is an "issue."
SoftViolin Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 I've been in a somewhat similar situation before. A guy I dated was very 'go with the flow' in terms of agreeing on a time to meet. I never had to doubt his feelings, he was always available etc. but I had to be the one to 'solidify' plans - because, after all, I have other things I needed to find time for in the course of the week or the weekend. Most of the time he didn't have a specific plan for the date, so I had to be the one to improvise. He always liked what we ended up doing, unlike what you, OP, are experiencing, but that - as it turns out - doesn't help the matters much. I was left feeling like he was too apathetic. It's not that hard to plan a date - a movie, a dinner, a walk in the park. It doesn't need to be elaborate or expensive, but - and I agree with fitness fan here - initially at least you want to feel like the man can take charge. Unless you are an alpha-female, such apathetic behavior is a huge turn off for most women... In my situation I discussed this with my partner at the time several times and indicated that it's important to me that he plans - even loosely - some outings. Nothing changed and eventually this relationship fizzled out. There were other contributing issues, but if I could speak from my experience to offer some comments, OP - it will be this: people and their particular ways of behaving in relationships don't really change, past the age of 16. You'll have to choose for yourself if this is something you can live with long term.
Versacehottie Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) Thank you all for your thoughts. I agree to most of them. Just didn't want this to be some sort of unnecessary pride contest... I want him to hear me out.... but I don't think I've really spoken on the issue other than that one text I mentioned above which I literally said "I feel a bit frustrated b/c you sound careless." Is that enough? Yes, I want to make it clear why I had not been in contact, etc ... but what if he doesn't reach out first? If things will still be different as we meet in person and discuss openly, maybe I should text first this time and see if he wants to talk about it at least? I don't know. I am not sure if he even realizes there is an "issue." well i thought you might say something like that in terms of he doesn't really know why you have a problem with him. However, in this case because the problem is him not taking initiative, i would test it if i was in your shoes. If he doesn't know why there's a problem, he probably also doesn't know the severity of it and how make-or-break it is. Rather than issue an ultimatum, which never are good, this is a simple test. He should be able to put in this effort to make contact if he cares about you. Like i said, if someone is not willing to meet you halfway on anything and you are doing all the work in the relationship (with pushback i might add!), will he stick around if you don't continue doing it? You can't want a relationship so much or at the expense of being mistreated. At fitnessfan said, this is not the natural order of things which is why you are frustrated. Your friends are telling/have told you their stories of how their guy make effort to show they care and none of it matches your story. Your gut is telling you something is off in terms of his effort. The more you invest to "solve" this problem of yours, the harder it will be to let him go and you will make excuses for his continued disrespectful behavior. Now not everything is black and white. He could be a beta guy or a guy who is generally lazy about dating but is into you/loves you and doesn't show it until his back is against the wall. You will only know the answer to this by not doing it for him. Let him make contact. When he does, you are in as perfect position as it gets to tell him, calmly, that you are not sure you want a relationship with someone who's effort level is like this. Me thinks if he is complaining about the dates you plan, he is not beta. He is either lazy and whiny or most likely alpha but taking you for granted until something better comes along. This "negative" situation right now is actually a blessing in disguise. It's your chance to show him you have value and figure out who he really is before you get in deeper. I agree that this shouldn't turn into a mexican standoff. On the other hand, it's reasonable to expect a boyfriend who has some idea that he may have done something wrong to reach out. When he does, be honest and respectful about your feelings and listen to what he says. The main part of the problem you are having with him is his effort and consideration. This is exactly the time to stick to your guns and not roll over. You're not being a jerk about it but it IS a matter of pride because his disrespect is exactly the reason you are frustrated. Set the standard with him or this problem will be the entire length of your relationship and likely things will get worse not better. Typically guys are still trying to impress at one month in so....if this is his best, you think it's gonna get better? Edited April 20, 2015 by Versacehottie
Author maestrok Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 I mean he is/has been generally good about initiating contacts. It's mostly about when it comes to setting time/place to meet up, I feel frustrated.. I really think meeting up and talking in person would help right now but then I just don't want to be the one reaching out and be like hey want to meet up? things. urgh.This is just so much headache right now.
Versacehottie Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 it's essentially the same/worse if he is not making the plans to get together especially in first month. That sounds like you are a fallback of some sorts for you. I'm only saying this to help you: don't get caught up in semantics when the end result is the same--you are doing all the work. All it tells me from him texting or calling you first is that you are his texting buddy/he is filling his time with this type of initiation. If you want to know if he would choose to date you, stop planning the dates. And not cool at all that he is whiny about the ones you plan. Sounds like he cares more about what you guys are doing/where you are going rather than getting a chance to spend time with you. There is no clear indication that he is invested. Test it. You can't be afraid to lose him over this. Don't give him permission to keep acting in a way that makes you very unhappy. Respect yourself.
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Stop texting! Have a phone call and don't let him waffle. When he says something vague, ask him "What does that mean?" Make him have a conversation about it. - Yup, text is a poor form of communication it's too easy to misinterpret. He should call you on the phone for a date. Unless it's a date that requires advanced planning, like a trip or buying tickets, I don't see why people talk about future dates while on a date. You should be enjoying the moment, that date. Relationships are built in the now, one date at a time.
Author maestrok Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 Well, here is an update to yall. I ended up sending him a brief text asking to meet up bc I wanted to talk. He said ok but that I have to come near his place since he is tired that day. I got annoyed by it (on top of all other things I mentioned in my original post that were already upsetting me), so i just texted him that he is being selfish and that he needs to be more communicative. He said he was sorry and we could talk over phone that night or meet another day. I'd rather talk in person so I opted for the latter. Then he again had not contacted me since then. At this point I am pretty disappointed and am seriously thinking that maybe he wasn't all that seriously interested in me. I thought we were dating just fine. Anyway ... very very disappointed. sigh.
melissacus Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Oh, girl, you can get better, EASY. There are men out there who are actual men and willing to put in time and effort for a girl. Drop the boy.
Author maestrok Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 He is probably harping in his head that you are being unreasonable and emotional. He is not thinking about him being inconsiderate about telling you his update about working. He had not contacted me again (like I said in my previous post) and I've been thinking that's bc he is thinking "I" AM being unreasonable. But really whatever misunderstanding there is between us right now, I feel like if we just talk a little bit, they will all be trivial. But how do we get to meet and talk? I don't think he will reach out ... for whatever reason. Is it really too bad to try for the last time and ask to meet up? Thoughts? And if OK, how should I phrase it or approach it? thanks
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