Kbomb Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 This is just a question - Do you think a man, who has children can cheat on his wife regularly but still be in love with his wife? Or do you think for a man to be able to cheat on his wife this means he no longer loves her? And what do you think if he's not hiding his cheating from everyone? If he's doing it openly but the wife does not know?
Auspecial Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 It means he has no self control of his body and he doesn't respect his wife. 9
Satu Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 If you really love someone, you don't cheat on them. There may be some form of attachment, but there is no love. 4
minimariah Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Or do you think for a man to be able to cheat on his wife this means he no longer loves her? no. & that goes both ways - i don't believe a woman who cheats on her spouse is in love with said spouse. especially if the cheating is public - that means that you have 0 respect for the spouse & don't really care if your spouse founds out. the cases where a cheater is mentally ill (BPD or other disorders) excluded. 4
loveboid Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 I believe that the way biology of falling in love works is that he would not be in love with his wife. People in love want one person and obsessively focus on that person. Loving someone is different. 3
Woggle Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 If you betray somebody like that you don't love them. 2
spanz1 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 you are kind of generalizing here. a man IS capable of loving two women at the same time. But cheating on his wife does reveal a character flaw that is pretty massive. 4
Satu Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) you are kind of generalizing here. a man IS capable of loving two women at the same time. But cheating on his wife does reveal a character flaw that is pretty massive. Not so. One valid and important definition of love is: "Total commitment to the wellbeing of a person." Cheating shows no commitment to the wellbeing of either woman. It is a purely selfish act. Edited April 20, 2015 by Satu 4
Auspecial Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 no. & that goes both ways - i don't believe a woman who cheats on her spouse is in love with said spouse. especially if the cheating is public - that means that you have 0 respect for the spouse & don't really care if your spouse founds out. the cases where a cheater is mentally ill (BPD or other disorders) excluded. I liked this post but don't agree with exemption for those with mental disorders. Such as BPD. I have an ex-friend who has BPD. On a regular basis, she orchestrates "separations" from her husband, to hook up with other men and women. She "doesn't have sx with them" (she actually does, I learned.) And when it crashes and burns, she manipulates and lies to get her husband back and not divorce. She knows **exactly** what she is doing. She can control many, many other aspects of her life, yet she continues to do this like a revolving door. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 If a man cheats on his wife does he no longer love her? If you're using love as a verb, then yes... Mr. Lucky 1
sandylee1 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I worked with someone who cheated on his wife but said he loved her. He said their physical relationship was rubbish, but she was a fantastic woman in every other aspect and he didn't think he could ever get a better woman. If you truly love someone and are in love with them, I don't believe you would cheat on them. At least not physically. I think emotionally is somewhat different in my opinion. 1
Friskyone4u Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Everyone's definition of love is different so yes a man OR woman can cheat on their spouse and still love the spouse. You may not want to believe it because I think you are or have been involved with a MM but men enter affairs primarily for sex . The y give you all the stupid lines that a single man gives you and has given you since puberty, but when you are emotionally involved in an affair you convince yourself you are different when while he developed feelings for you you are in most cases a side piece of ass who will NOT be chosen over the wife on DDay. The y do love their wives, are acting disgracefully but still value their marriage and family. To put it bluntly their dick is doing the thinking. Women can do the same thing . Look how many threads you see right here from women in affairs who swear they love their husbands . They are able to compartmentalize what they are doing and carry on as model wife and mother. I think you are confusing bad behavior and poor boundaries and self control with not thinking they love their spouse 7
elaine567 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 This is just a question Do you think a man, who has children can cheat on his wife regularly but still be in love with his wife? He may be "in love" with the marriage, his kids, his house, his married status, but as for being in love with his wife, I think not. If he truly cared for her, he would not be cheating with someone else. If the marriage is bad, he can divorce. Many divorced men still love their wives. Or do you think for a man to be able to cheat on his wife this means he no longer loves her? I believe so, loving someone doesn't really include lying to her, lying about her to other people, betraying her trust and sleeping with other women behind her back. Love isn't about all that. However, I do not think that necessarily means he loves the OW. He may be in a state of flux, not truly caring about either, not knowing what he really wants. And what do you think if he's not hiding his cheating from everyone? If he's doing it openly but the wife does not know? This is I guess mainly an act of rebellion and punishment. This man, I guess hates/resents his wife or has lost respect for her for some reason. Cheating on her openly is saying I am doing this because I can and I don't really care who knows about it. If it hurts his wife when she finds out, he may revel in that. He may actually hate women in general. He may be seeking attention from his wife though. Bad kids can do horrible things just to get their parents to pay attention to them, the husband deep down may just want his wife to notice him, by doing something shocking. OR he may think he will get away with it because his wife is a doormat and he knows she will forgive him, or he is so far out of the marriage he doesn't care if his wife finds out or he is just foolish in that he thinks he and his antics are invisible to everyone and he will be devastated on dday. 2
MissBee Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Love means different things to different people. I think a man can feel like he loves his wife and cheat on her and compartmentalize it and rationalize it. In the culture I'm from this is common. A man marries a woman he purports to love and then feels like having women on the side are irrelevant to his marriage as he married his wife and not them and they are below her in the hierarchy and will throw the OW under the bus if their primary relationship is threatened. We can argue if this is "really love" or not, but to me there isn't a point, as love means different things to people, but what it does suggest is that a man can cheat and feel like nothing is wrong with his wife, he still finds her attractive, doesn't want to divorce her, will actually be upset if she leaves him etc. Whereas sometimes people think (and in affairs the other person is lied to and told) that if the man is cheating he is not attracted to his wife, dislikes her, is about to divorce her and so on. 3
central Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Most studies of cheating men find that most do love their wives and family, but there is something missing that they hope to find elsewhere rather than disrupt their great marriage. No one person can fill all of another's needs, yet still be the best match and have a happy relationship. However, if the crucial unmet need is something sexual or a particular emotional need, then the temptation to get that need met elsewhere is very strong. I don't condone cheating, but understanding the motivations can help prevent it. Being able to be honest about unmet needs, and finding ways together to deal with them, is the way I prefer to approach this. However, sometimes the clueless spouse is unable or unwilling to meet a need, so what is the answer then? 3
oldshirt Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 A man can love more than one woman at a time. A man can love several woman at the same time and can be devoted to, care for and can be good to all of them. A mans basic hard-wired programming is for polygamy. That is his basic instinct. Monogamy is a social and religious construct. A guys basic programming is to acquire a harem of multiple women. Now he can be committed to and faithful to those multiple women. So what that means is that "cheating" is a violation of those they have agreed upon and not necessarily and indication of the emotion of love or not loving someone. A guy can love and care for and be devoted and faithful to 10 women and never cheat. He can also be married to one woman and not love her one but and still never cheat. And he can love one or more women and still cheat. Cheating is a character issue and about following agreed up ground rules. It has nothing to do with the emotion of love one way or another. 7
Donate Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 A man can love several woman at the same time and can be devoted to, care for and can be good to all of them. A mans basic hard-wired programming is for polygamy. That is his basic instinct. Monogamy is a social and religious construct. A guys basic programming is to acquire a harem of multiple women. Now he can be committed to and faithful to those multiple women. So what that means is that "cheating" is a violation of those they have agreed upon and not necessarily and indication of the emotion of love or not loving someone. A guy can love and care for and be devoted and faithful to 10 women and never cheat. He can also be married to one woman and not love her one but and still never cheat. And he can love one or more women and still cheat. Cheating is a character issue and about following agreed up ground rules. It has nothing to do with the emotion of love one way or another. I agree with every word you wrote. Bravo!!!
preraph Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 They will try to tell you it has nothing to do with love, but that's because they're only talking about that they have no feelings for the person they're cheating with and that it's just physical. But the fallacy in that statement is that if you love a person, the very last thing you want to do is hurt them. So my opinion of people who cheat is they don't know what love is. They aren't up to the kind of love that makes you always want to make your partner happy and safe and secure. If a loved one is hurt, don't you hurt for them? That is empathy. Without empathy, there is no love. Cheaters don't or can't love you enough to not want to hurt you. 3
oldshirt Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 They will try to tell you it has nothing to do with love, but that's because they're only talking about that they have no feelings for the person they're cheating with and that it's just physical. But the fallacy in that statement is that if you love a person, the very last thing you want to do is hurt them. So my opinion of people who cheat is they don't know what love is. They aren't up to the kind of love that makes you always want to make your partner happy and safe and secure. If a loved one is hurt, don't you hurt for them? That is empathy. Without empathy, there is no love. Cheaters don't or can't love you enough to not want to hurt you. Again, cheating has nothing to do with love, nothing to do with monogamy vs nonmonogamy. Cheating is about breaking ground rules. Cheating is a character issue and bad behavior, it has nothing to do with that persons 'feelings' or emotions towards the other person. A man can essentially hate his wife and not give a squirt of pi$$ about her and still not violate the terms of their agreement (assuming they have an exclusivity agreement). Another man may love his wife very much and care for her very much but just not be able to keep his pants on with other women. It's about his character and his willingness and ability to follow their own ground rules. The emotion of love cannot protect against poor character and bad behavior. 1
Donate Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 The women I 'cheated' with and formed a 'relationship' with never felt more loved in their lives. They were on cloud'9 and loved every minute of it...until societies standards of relationships eroded the relationship and made them feel bad about loving a married man. I gave them the freedom of being single, the sex of a f-buddy and the love of their life all at the same time. Unfortunately women will sacrifice all of that for jumping on the marry-go-round of a one-on-one relationship, which usually ends the same way...great highs, drama, rocky ending. 1
carhill Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 OP, here's a recent long thread on the same subject which you may find helpful: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/518500-cheating-means-you-don-t-love-your-partner-way-you-re-supposed
Justanaverageguy Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 A man can love several woman at the same time and can be devoted to, care for and can be good to all of them. A mans basic hard-wired programming is for polygamy. That is his basic instinct. Monogamy is a social and religious construct. So what that means is that "cheating" is a violation of those they have agreed upon and not necessarily and indication of the emotion of love or not loving someone. I agree with some but not all of what you say. I think your views on men are a little too slanted to the poly side. I agree monogamy is a social and religious construct. Its certainly not humans natural state. I don't however believe all men are hard wired for polygamy and vise versa all women monogamy. All humans both men and women want sexual variety. Its an advantage for the species to have genetic diversity. But its achieved through many means .... not just dominant males having many partners. I also don't really think all men want many wives. Personally I think humans in general are on a bit of a sliding scale between poly and monogomous. Most tend to actually be somewhere in the middle. Something I would call "serial monogomist". The intense love and pair bonding with humans generally is 1-1 thing just like you normally find in many species of the animal kingdom. Couples pair up, get married and raise children. It just doesn't last forever - the "love" effect wears off. The strong intense feelings of love normally only last around 4-5 years - just long enough to raise children to an appropriate age to fend for themselves. After which many relationships fall apart and people move on to new partners. Most of the time the woman actually ends the relationship indicating they are not as monogomous as most men would like to think. 2
elaine567 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 A man can love more than one woman at a time. I have no doubt about that and a woman can love more than one man, but is it possible to truly love them and cheat on them at the same time? I love my dog, but do I really love my dog if I kick it all the time? I guess not. 3
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I have no doubt about that and a woman can love more than one man, but is it possible to truly love them and cheat on them at the same time? I love my dog, but do I really love my dog if I kick it all the time? I guess not. That's a terrible analogy. It'd be more comparable to say, I love my dog, but does that mean I should have no more than 1 dog? So what does this say about polygamists when it's not morally wrong within their sector? Is this still kicking a dog as well?
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