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The other woman who tells the girlfriend/wife about the affair.

Larry56

By Larry56
in General Relationship Discussion

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Larry56 Established Member

Larry56

Posted
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I was having a discussion with my friend the other day about this. We're both guys.

 

What is the thought process behind a woman who writes a letter or tells the girlfriend/wife that she had an affair with their significant other. Obviously this happens a lot because guys typically don't leave their significant's very quickly or easily.

 

I've never ever heard of a guy doing this for another guy. Because we simply don't 'care' about the other man.

 

My opinion was that women tend to look out more for women where as my friend thought that she was doing it out of spite because she "lost" and wanted to cause drama because she didn't win.

 

Thoughts?

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casey.lives Established Member

casey.lives

Posted
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i think if you are still with your SO and the OW writes her, she is hoping to make her presence and her undeniable affair confirmation be a nail in the coffin that is your relationship. I think that if you are separated and the OW writes her, she is being territorial. I think what the women do or think largely depends on the power that you gave the OW.

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Larry56 Established Member

Larry56

Posted
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Posted
i think if you are still with your SO and the OW writes her, she is hoping to make her presence and her undeniable affair confirmation be a nail in the coffin that is your relationship

 

So she's doing it to basically finish the affair. Ok gotcha.

 

But then is it true a woman is doing it because she feels the wife/gf should know? because she feels bad for that person. Where does that come from?

 

That is the explanation I hear from girls on why they do that.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
So she's doing it to basically finish the affair. Ok gotcha.

 

But then is it true a woman is doing it because she feels the wife/gf should know? because she feels bad for that person. Where does that come from?

 

That is the explanation I hear from girls on why they do that.

 

I guess if the OW, was an OW, that didn't know she was an OW, ie he told her he was single and she finds out weeks, months later he was married all the time, that OW may inform his wife, because the MM lied to her and she doesn't think the wife should be in the dark. She also has the moral high ground, as she is essentially not a cheating person, she believed he was single and free to date her.

 

However for a true OW to tell the wife, she needs an agenda and that agenda may be to get the MM all to herself, or that may be to cause the BS pain, because the MM will not leave his wife or has ended the affair for some reason ie the reason is spite.

I think the scenario where a true OW altruistically tells the wife, "for her own good" is rare, as even if she does feel sympathy for her, then potentially breaking up a marriage and especially where kids are involved is a big decision and most I would guess just duck out.

I think also many OWs just do not want the hassle of dealing with irate BSs either, so steer clear, even if they do think she should know.

  • Like 6
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

i think if you are still with your SO and the OW writes her, she is hoping to make her presence and her undeniable affair confirmation be a nail in the coffin that is your relationship

 

So she's doing it to basically finish the affair. Ok gotcha.

 

 

No, she is doing it to finish the MMs marriage and stake her claim on him.

  • Like 2
minimariah Established Member

minimariah

Posted
Posted

in my experience - when an OW contacts her MM's spouse, the affair is already over. she usually contacts the spouse because she "wants to do right thing" meaning she wants to inflict pain & mess on her MM as some kind of revenge because the affair didn't end the way she wanted it to.

 

long story short - hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

  • Like 4
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Larry56 Established Member

Larry56

Posted
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Posted

Thanks Elaine, great response.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
I was having a discussion with my friend the other day about this. We're both guys.

 

What is the thought process behind a woman who writes a letter or tells the girlfriend/wife that she had an affair with their significant other. Obviously this happens a lot because guys typically don't leave their significant's very quickly or easily.

 

I've never ever heard of a guy doing this for another guy. Because we simply don't 'care' about the other man.

 

My opinion was that women tend to look out more for women where as my friend thought that she was doing it out of spite because she "lost" and wanted to cause drama because she didn't win.

 

Thoughts?

 

I agree with your friend on this one. If the OW was looking out for the betrayed wife/SO, she wouldn't have slept with her man in the first place .

 

It's absolute bull if an OW does say telling the BW is about looking out for her. Men are generally speaking less vindictive like that. It starts in the playground, girls can rather bitchy from a young age, I've seen it first hand in schools as an adult. The boys get over their arguments and are playing football the next day.

 

'A woman scorned '

  • Like 1
7andcounting Member

7andcounting

Posted
Posted

I was the OW at one point and I called the wife... my rational was I wanted out. But I didn't have the will power to walk away. Knowing everything I did I couldn't accept the fact that it was going to be me that had to end it.

 

My affair was crazy, the wife "knew" then she didn't... He had another relationship with another woman I found out about. But he didn't... He was a master manipulator and for some reason I bought into it hook line and sinker.

 

No matter what though he would always come back. I though I would go through and clean house one day. Contact the wife, the other girlfriend and he would be so angry at the betrayal.

 

Turn out that he was just a master a manipulating me and his wife. The girlfriend was someone before me. But at the time I did not know that. Anyway sometimes its just the inability to walk away. Its the one thing as the OW you can do to kick the relationship.

 

My reasoning even now as I read this 4 months later makes no sense to me. But at the time... It did.

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
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Women do this because they are emotionally vengeful banshees....hath no fire like a woman's scorn.

 

Guy's have it right....they don't need the drama and walk away because they don't want to deal with an emotionally vengeful banshee. Either way, the guy gets his tires slashed.

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No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

Some OWs want to payback their MM, especially if they didn't know he was married. Others want payback from both, or hope to be able to claim the MM once the wife kicks him out of the house. And again other OW are jealous of the wife and go batsh!!t crazy; remember reading about a case where the OW waited for them to come out, screamed "I'll see you in hell bitch!" and shot the wife in the head before killing herself.

 

 

Don't understand the logic behind it, and don't want to either. Cheated, huh honey? Here, let me help you pack your bags.

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  • 1 month later...
nucking_futs Member

nucking_futs

Posted
Posted

This what happened to me.... OW was Wifes BBF..... after a few months of a EA she blew the lid off and tried to convince wife to leave.... wife did not leave... she would try to be the

good guy" but heck she's dirty as I was....

 

funny thing they are still friends , no telling what they talk about.

Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

Posted
Posted
But then is it true a woman is doing it because she feels the wife/gf should know? because she feels bad for that person. Where does that come from?

One needs only to spend about an hour reading OW support boards to see that most have absolutely ZERO compassion for the wife of their married boyfriends.

 

If they're reaching out to the wife and telling her about the affair, it's highly doubtful it was fueled by compassion or concern for the wife. It was more than likely done to benefit the OW in some way.

 

JMHO.

  • Like 4
Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

Posted
Posted
This what happened to me.... OW was Wifes BBF..... after a few months of a EA she blew the lid off and tried to convince wife to leave.... wife did not leave... she would try to be the

good guy" but heck she's dirty as I was....

 

funny thing they are still friends , no telling what they talk about.

Probably a multitude of things, but one topic for sure is how certain men they know can be such complete douche canoes.

central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted

If the OW is still an affair partner, she may hope to break up the relationship and gain the man. If it's over, it may be revenge if he broke it off and she wanted to continue.

 

Men may not do this because they usually don't want their affair partner full time if her SO kicks her out upon learning (or don't want to mess up their marriage), and there is a higher risk of retribution from the BS.

 

IMO and in general, women hope to gain something from informing, whereas men stand to lose something.

No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

Most OWs simply seek vengeance after having been dumped by their MM or when they find out he hasn't been "faithful" to her and has other OW as well. :laugh:

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

I can't count how many time I hear, "If it was happening to me I would want to know....." What a pile of crap. If that were the case why didn't they tell the wife in the beginning that the husband approached her to have an affair....if there was such compassion.....duh. These women are selfish and only out for themselves.

 

Now I totally get it if they unknowingly were dating a MM, found out, and then told the wife.....that I can support their decision to expose him.

  • Like 3
Mascara Established Member

Mascara

Posted
Posted

In order to gain something. For example, revenge or the man.

 

Many will claim to do it because they believe the wife has a right to know, however this belief is lacking when the affair is new and hot and heavy. It only comes to the fore when the affair is over or is not going the way the OW wants it to.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
One needs only to spend about an hour reading OW support boards to see that most have absolutely ZERO compassion for the wife of their married boyfriends.

 

If they're reaching out to the wife and telling her about the affair, it's highly doubtful it was fueled by compassion or concern for the wife. It was more than likely done to benefit the OW in some way.

 

JMHO.

 

I agree. The wife is a faceless soul and the only concern for the OW is how to get the guy.

 

They often seek revenge when dumped and I don't buy the crap of 'she deserves to know her H is a cheater'. This is borne out of revenge. Women can be nasty and vindictive like this.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

I don't know, not having been in that position, but at a guess the other woman gets frustrated with the cheating husband not telling his wife and leaving her so she determines to tell the wife. Also, I suppose at some level she might feel the wife ought to know her husband is a cheat.

Noirek Established Member

Noirek

Posted
Posted

I think there are a lot of bitter and arrogent judgements in this post. Broad brush painting backed with hand picked stories.

 

-just because a person gets involved with a person doesn't mean down the road the guilt will get to them and they will want to do what they can to make it right. For some that is silently disappearing. For others that means informing. How a person informs usually shows their heart.

-sometimes it is revenge

-sometimes it is to end the marriage

-sometimes it is a mix of things

-sometimes the person feels it is the right thing to do. And back to the first point. Just because one starts with the wrong thing to do doesn't mean they then don't try to do the right thing.

-double betrayals can have a different dynamic. The BS isn't a faceless entity and much harder to keep a secret from.

 

There really is no one size fits all.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

One size doesn't fit all, but the end result is hurt. People get hurt, not just the person that is being cheated on, it hurts their friends, the children and both families. It destroys more than one life, it destroys many....and at what cost? to leave or fix a marriage? selfish way of doing things.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

It's simple. They're trying to ruin their marriage so the wife will kick them out and are suffering from the delusion that if she does kick him out, that he will run and commit to her, which he probably will not.

 

I don't mind someone letting a wife know their husband is cheating if they have no personal stake in it. Like if some guy lied to you that he was single and it really made you mad, I think it's fair game.

AVarma Established Member

AVarma

Posted
Posted

Believe it or not there are some countries in the world where men think having a mistress is a right. If she we were to pull something like this and call her boyfriend's wife she would probably get a slap in the face.

Eggplant Established Member

Eggplant

Posted
Posted
I agree with your friend on this one. If the OW was looking out for the betrayed wife/SO, she wouldn't have slept with her man in the first place .

 

It's absolute bull if an OW does say telling the BW is about looking out for her. Men are generally speaking less vindictive like that. It starts in the playground, girls can rather bitchy from a young age, I've seen it first hand in schools as an adult. The boys get over their arguments and are playing football the next day.

 

'A woman scorned '

It's not that they got over the arguments, but rather that boys can put the argument in a separate compartment in their brain, and close off that compartment which they focus on football. But the issue hasn't gone away.

 

 

The girls don't compartmentalize that way, so the issue is always looming even while they do other things like play a game.

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