Emotional Whirlwind Post BU

[SLee]

Here's a link to my story for more details and context if you care to read it, it's a long one though! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/524909-3-5-later

 

Basically, I'm just saying where I'm at right now.

 

In the past few weeks following the break up, I was determined to get him back. I went no contact and all. Problem is we live together, so we have to be around each other. But after being an emotional wreck and him "insisting" on "helping me through it", even though I never sought his help or asked for it, it didn't help him come back. At all.

 

I never thought of it as a "plan", I'm not a schemer and manipulator, but whatever I was doing, certainly didn't help reconcile anything.

 

So, instead of going full NC, which is impossible at the moment since we live together, I've been pulling away. I've stopped texting him constantly about my day to day life like we did when we were in a relationship. I've stopped telling him what I'm doing when I go out. I've stopped telling him everything I'm feeling all the time. Basically I'm focusing on me.

 

Problem is, I'm still at a stage where if there was a way to get him back without fail, I would. I still love him. I just want him back. But what he needs right now, reconciliation or not, is to figure himself out. He rejected me and my support. I need to let go of that, and I know it. Easier said than done.

 

I'm just on a roller coaster emotionally. When I go to school (we're both college students) I remember how he would always meet me after class, now I have to go it alone. When I'm going about my daily business, I miss the freedom to text him and complain about whatever I wanted or just text him when I was bored. I talk to friends and family almost incessantly about what every little interaction we have "means" trying to get into his head, even though it probably means nothing. I miss him desperately and I get super sad.

 

Other times, he infuriates me. How can he do what he did? How could he go behind my back by texting my best friend of 10 years (details on that in my lengthy story)? How can he throw everything we had away SO QUICKLY without giving it another shot? How can he put me, someone he loved and said he'd never leave, in this much pain? How can he just give up on us the instant things get too real in life?

 

Sometimes I don't care. I think, his life his problem. I don't owe him anything. If he wants to be lazy with schoolwork, that's his problem. He's never going to be able to maintain a relationship by being emotionally immature, not my problem. He needs to freaking grow up and figure his own crap out. Again, not my problem. Not anymore.

 

I'm trying to regulate my feelings. I'm trying to be neutral. I put my feelings out on paper. I put myself first as much as I can, but then all the emotions come up. Switching back constantly between desperately wanting him back, to anger, to just saying "screw it". It's been pointed out to me recently, that though my break up is fairly recent, I'm not completely blind. I can see reality for what it is, somewhat and sometimes. He dumped ME. He doesn't love me. It's all about me now. But the roller coaster is unbearable.

 

Like I said, I still want him back above anything. That's the ultimate point for me. I'm trying to not cling to that, but it's so hard. I definitely know it's not happening now, probably not anytime soon, maybe never. Even so, I still have vivid dreams at night about him asking for me back that have me waking up feeling miserable. I imagine coming home to him asking for reconciliation. I just want that to stop.

 

I've made some steps. Focusing on me and my school work. Relying on myself. Making a list of things that I did NOT like about him to think on/look at when I feel desperate and sad. Not reading into anything he says other than a clear message to reconcile. And others. I'm trying, but like I said, this roller coaster is awful and I don't know how to handle it without him.

 

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Any advice on how to calm down and keep my focus?

[Cinnamonstix]

I think the first thing you need to do is live apart. I would take the first step and be the one to move out.

[SLee]

I think the first thing you need to do is live apart. I would take the first step and be the one to move out.

Thank you so much for replying. I'm getting mixed advice. Some say stay and some say go. I'm coming to around to the point where I'm thinking maybe it will be good to move out. But I'm scared and unsure. Like I said, I'm scared of losing him because I'm still hoping for reconciliation, as pointless and desperate as that sounds. We've ALWAYS been around each other. Unfortunately, neither of us are in a position logistically or financially to leave so we're kind of stuck, which I know he feels.

 

It's all scary stuff, and I know I'm being a bit pathetic. That's part of what is so frustrating.

 

I'm trying to take steps. Do my own thing when I am home, not hang out too much at home or anywhere really, pulling away emotionally, trying to keep neutral ground. I'm not even looking to be his friend at this point.

 

Thank you though. Every piece of advice I get is enormously valuable.

[backandforth]

I went through this too, had to live with her for about a month while we broke up. We slept in separate beds, but would still have sex on occasion and still hang out. Some days it was no problem, other days were crushing.

 

It was really strange, if was ok with everything, she'd get really upset. And vice versa. It's definitely not healthy and only delays the healing process. My best advice would be to move out ASAP. It's such a pain in the arse but so necessary.

[SLee]

I went through this too, had to live with her for about a month while we broke up. We slept in separate beds, but would still have sex on occasion and still hang out. Some days it was no problem, other days were crushing.

 

It was really strange, if was ok with everything, she'd get really upset. And vice versa. It's definitely not healthy and only delays the healing process. My best advice would be to move out ASAP. It's such a pain in the arse but so necessary.

Thank you so much, backandforth. Genuinely, I appreciate it.

 

My ex and I have a two bedroom apartment. We moved both our beds in and used the second room as a guest room/office. In the first week or two post BU, when I was miserable and upset he slept in the same bed as me and we hugged and cuddled a lot. We did have sex as well, and (without getting to much into dirty details) though it was pleasurable it was completely empty on his part. Mainly, we were using it as a stress relief. Which is pathetic on both our parts. My friend told me I was too available and I was, so I cut off the intimacy.

 

He still hugs and cuddles with me when I'm really really upset (I have severe anxiety and depression), but he sleeps in the other room. Kind of like you said, most days I'm fine. We have a routine. We function pretty well as roommates as far as chores/housekeeping/etc. goes. And, this is completely pathetic on my part, but the situation IS comfortable for both of us. It's a pretty nice apartment, we've lived here for years. When we were together but in two different apartments at the beginning we almost never spent a night apart. Admittedly, this is really messed up.

 

Like I said, I get mixed advice. He brought this up near the end of the lease so I've literally had no time to plan which makes me anxious. If we moved, he wouldn't have a couch or storage stuff. I wouldn't have a microwave or silverware. Stuff like that. Neither of us can really financially afford to move or buy all this new stuff for new places. Plus there's a lot of stuff we bought together and we don't have time to figure out what goes with whom. For both of us the stress (due to outside factors, mainly) isn't something we can handle right now.

 

That all is probably really petty and maybe not as big of a deal as I'm making it. I don't know. I'm just confused and stressed. Like you said, it's a huge PAIN, but maybe it's possible? I just don't know. I'm also dealing with a lot of family issues and am heavy into rehearsals for a show, plus I'm behind in school (health reasons) and that's insanely worrying. He's also really behind with school and stressed about that and his future and various other things. A huge move after an emotional split doesn't feel worth it, but maybe it is.

 

Like I said too, I'm getting mixed advice. A lot of people I know are telling me to just stay the year, plan for the move later. We don't intend on staying longer past this upcoming lease. Others say to just get out now. Like I said, I just don't know what's best at this point.

 

I'm also fairly decent at controlling my feelings, or at least letting them not negatively impact other things in my life. I have a great support system with family/friends and I'm doing counseling. But I do care about him and don't want to hurt him further, as he's going to feel stuck with me. I don't want to make things worse, but my gut is telling me that another year just living together and doing our own thing will be okay. I just don't know. The uncertainty is the worst.

 

Sorry to ramble, I'm just inexperienced. Plus the whirlwind of emotions I'm feelings isn't helping me think too clearly at the moment. Most times, I'm fine. Other times I get mad (not his knowledge, I don't bring it up with him) or I'm just sad (again, not his knowledge). Support from family/friends helps. So does counseling. I just need to figure out how to sort everything out with myself.

[Cinnamonstix]

SLee, I don't want to be harsh, but I'm going to be really blunt. You keep posting the breakup recovery guide and telling people to focus on themselves, all the while living with your ex. There is nothing healthy about that. You will not move on with your life while living together, and he will not miss you either. You will just grow into roommates with no sexual attraction.

 

People who don't have enough money to live decently on their own make sacrifices, like having a roommate that isn't their ex boyfriend. You can do it! And I think you will respect yourself more and your ex will too for that matter, if you take the first step. It will feel much better than him leaving, which could very possibly happen.

[backandforth]

I know how hard it is. My relocation damn near sent me broke but I hung in there. You're being hit on all fronts, emotionally, finamcially, physically, academicallly. But take my word for it, you will lose your mind if you stay living together. Do whatever it takes to get free. Ask friends for donations to help you get by (household items and such), check ebay for cheap stuff, freecycling etc. it will suck until you're financially stable again but the alternative is so much worse.

[SLee]

SLee, I don't want to be harsh, but I'm going to be really blunt. You keep posting the breakup recovery guide and telling people to focus on themselves, all the while living with your ex. There is nothing healthy about that. You will not move on with your life while living together, and he will not miss you either. You will just grow into roommates with no sexual attraction.

 

People who don't have enough money to live decently on their own make sacrifices, like having a roommate that isn't their ex boyfriend. You can do it! And I think you will respect yourself more and your ex will too for that matter, if you take the first step. It will feel much better than him leaving, which could very possibly happen.

I completely appreciate blunt and harsh. It's likely what I need to hear now. I genuinely do. Honestly, I'm just trying to help others at this point and working on taking those same steps myself.

And thank you so much. I'm definitely going to look at it further. I'm coming around to the conclusion that it's for the best.

 

Again, thank you.

[SLee]

I know how hard it is. My relocation damn near sent me broke but I hung in there. You're being hit on all fronts, emotionally, finamcially, physically, academicallly. But take my word for it, you will lose your mind if you stay living together. Do whatever it takes to get free. Ask friends for donations to help you get by (household items and such), check ebay for cheap stuff, freecycling etc. it will suck until you're financially stable again but the alternative is so much worse.

Again, thank you as well.

 

I think I'm just in a pit and not thinking clearly. Maybe because it's all coming at once: finals, the break up, moving, family stuff, health stuff, etc. But I'm coming around. I keep asking myself, do I really want to spend another year living with a person who has hurt me this much? And I need to consider his own feelings on the matter as well.

 

Thank you. I really appreciate the insight.

[backandforth]

Again, thank you as well.

 

I think I'm just in a pit and not thinking clearly. Maybe because it's all coming at once: finals, the break up, moving, family stuff, health stuff, etc. But I'm coming around. I keep asking myself, do I really want to spend another year living with a person who has hurt me this much? And I need to consider his own feelings on the matter as well.

 

Thank you. I really appreciate the insight.

 

You just answered your own question. When you're in a pit, like you say, it's hard to see sense. But deep down you know what you gotta do.

 

Even if you'd like to reconcile one day, you'll both need the space to get your heads together. I'm a big believer in second chances, but it'd be doomed to fail in the current situation.

 

Hang in there, you'll get through this!

[SLee]

Quick update:

 

Thank you for advice. You guys really helped me to see reality and not be deluded or scared out of my wits.

After sleeping on it and being anxious about it all morning/last night, the ex and I had a conversation. We decided not to renew our lease another year.

 

If you care to know, it was for a lot of reasons:

-He was super uncomfortable with it and only doing it for ME, which is absolutely something I did not want.

-We were both just making up excuses in order to stay in a "comfortable" living situation that we've both been in so long.

-He's hurt me a lot very recently, even though he's not a bad person. I don't know if I can be around him and be emotionally okay.

-My emotional whirlwind has me all over the place. Continuing to live with him, though it sounds idyllic in theory, would probably only make it worse.

-He felt "Stuck", which I understood. And it was only going to get worse and he (And I as well, most likely) would regret it eventually.

-He's in no condition to be in a relationship. He has so much growing up to do and maturity to tackle. He needs to get certain aspects of his life that he's neglected back on track.

-If there is EVER any chance of reconciliation at some point, we're going to need to be away from each. We have almost never been away from each other, and when we were (visiting family, etc.) we were in near constant communication.

 

We also decided that once we move out at the end of June, we're going to go no contact for a long time, probably months. It's going to be really hard. I'm dreading it. But we both need to see what it truly is to live without each other.

 

This is really hard for us because we share SO MUCH, emotionally, physically, and materialistically. And I've always either lived in a dorm, with a roommate, or with him. Same with him. So living alone is going to be incredibly difficult. I don't feel like it's going to be easy.

 

Surprisingly, at the moment, I actually feel okay about it. I'm sad and regretful, of course, but if we would stay living together, I'm sure I just would have been flipping back and forth between anxious, angry, depressed, and all the rest. I'll probably feel the same a bit when we move out, but at least I have a shot at getting myself together sooner.

 

Again, thank you all so much. This will be enormously difficult. And your support has been really helpful.