Should I wait for a miracle to be with her or Should I just move on?

[bryanblade]

Hello, Everyone, I'm new here. Pleased to meet you all. But this is an emergency situation , so i really need answers from experts here.

 

I'm 23 years old and I have never been into a relationship in my life. But until recently, I met this girl, she's 17 years old. And she's amazing. Not her body , but her person overall. She's just like the girl I pictured as my future wife. We met 2 months ago. She was everything I ever wanted in my life, We share a lot in common and we both think alike. We share the same taste in music the same food interests, we even have the same weird habits and we talked about having kids too. For a moment, I was wondering, is she the one? Honestly, I don't know, I'm very confused right now.

 

I don't know whether I'm in love or just admiration or infatuation. But whenever I'm around her, I felt warmth and comfort. I love seeing her smile everyday and it always brightens up my day. I want to know everything about her, I want to her to share her pain and burden with me. I want to care and be there for her every time.

 

But there's this one problem. She already has a Boyfriend. They're in a long distance relationship and they've been together for 8 months.

I know I'm not supposed to interfere. But , even after knowing that, I still confessed to her and she rejected me. I was heart broken , but I never gave up pursuing her. Hence, I kept waiting ever since.

 

Until one day, she texted me while she's on her trip back from her boyfriend. She told me that she needed to settle some things with me. She wished that I would stop having feelings for her. I wanted and try to talk with her, but she said she wanted to be alone. She really wanted to tell her boyfriend about this because she's an honest and loyal girl. I appreciate that part of her. But I feel like she's doing this to break my heart on purpose or something.

She even told me herself that it was pointless and plain stupid for me to wait for her and we will never be a thing except for just friends because she really really loves her boyfriend.

She doesn't want to talk to me face-to-face because she felt uncomfortable around me , she felt that the more she's with me, it made her felt like she's piling things up from her boyfriend and she doesn't want that. I don't know what else to say, I knew I put her in this difficult situation and I'm all to be blamed. And then she asked me "Do you love me?"

My mind was blank, I only focused on not losing her, until she asked me that question, but I don't know what to say.

 

I'm a mess. Since I was born, I was different from everyone. I never enjoyed parties or heading into pubs or private clubs for entertainment. Unlike most guys around my age, I don't want to F*** around and I want the real and serious stuff. I want a person who can understand me , a person who can connect with me in every aspect. I want to spend the rest of my life with that person. I feel like I may have found her, but why am I always late ? I had a chance, but I'm always late.

 

Everyone, I need help. I need answers.

 

Deep down, I know that she's worth it and I will keep waiting until the day she's married. But eventually , I might have to move on but what if I just can't connect with other girls as much as I did with her?

I want to be happy for her, but even though I may think like that, deep down, I know I'm suffering from grief and sadness.

[preraph]

I'm sorry this is not working out, but you must respect her wishes. Now that she knows you have feelings for her and are not just a friend, she feels very uncomfortable around you. She knows you hanging around is not good for you and it's not good for her. She has made it clear twice now that she does not share your feelings. And she has told you not to wait and that she doesn't want you around. You have to get completely out of her life and move on.

 

Listen, girls don't change their mind. She already knows you are not the type for her. You can't change her mind. That may happen in some old movies, but it's not reality. If there was a girl who decided she loved you but you had no attraction for, would her hanging around change your mind? No. Would you want her hanging around messing up your other relationships? No.

 

Look, we all get rejected and we all have unrequited relationships at one time or another. You can't waste time on dwelling on it. Best thing to do is totally cut off contact, and that is what she wants. At the point you insist on maintaining contact with her despite being told she doesn't want that, you are invading her privacy. Please don't be that guy.

 

And as a side note, you need to date around and be social and see a bit of the world and society before deciding on a girl to marry. Good grief, she is only 17, not even of legal age in many states! She won't be ready to have kids for a decade or more. And you are too young to do that as well, because you have zero life experience. So please just be social and do activities and stay busy and stop focusing on this girl who isn't interested in you.

[sportygirl89]

Some states have 17 years old as rape. I'd wait. Let her go through life a little bit. A guy 9 years older than me still doesn't know what he wants after being abroad for months. You do you until she's old enough.I was 17 and the guy was 26. So much chemistry. But nothing would happen since he felt wrong about the age difference. At least wait until she's 18 at least...

[Methodical]

How did you meet this girl? You've only known her for two months, not as a partner, and you are ready for a lifetime commitment?

 

She has a boyfriend and has told you to move along. She has rejected you, told you it's pointless and stupid to hold out hope. She's not trying to break your heart on purpose, she genuinely wants you to leave her alone.

 

And, if that's not enough, she's told you that you make her feel uncomfortable. I suspect she asked if you loved her because she senses stalker-like behavior and wants to be prepared in the event that you try to make more unwanted advances.

 

Leave her alone.

[Grilled_Salmon]

Avoid her like the plague.

 

The last thing you'd want to do is pursuing someone that's already in a happy relationship.

 

In fact, doesn't your own moral consciousness say that pursuing someone when they're already with someone else is a really unwise thing to do with some potentially really undesirable consequences?

 

Hell, when I was 17, I thought I found someone that was 100% worth it and was the first girl that became an extremely close friend to me (or so I thought) only to be backstabbed in one of the worst ways possible not long after I confessed my feelings.

 

You're 23. I think you should find something you're passionate in doing most before finding 'the one' and settling down.

[bryanblade]

I'm sorry this is not working out, but you must respect her wishes. Now that she knows you have feelings for her and are not just a friend, she feels very uncomfortable around you. She knows you hanging around is not good for you and it's not good for her. She has made it clear twice now that she does not share your feelings. And she has told you not to wait and that she doesn't want you around. You have to get completely out of her life and move on.

 

Listen, girls don't change their mind. She already knows you are not the type for her. You can't change her mind. That may happen in some old movies, but it's not reality. If there was a girl who decided she loved you but you had no attraction for, would her hanging around change your mind? No. Would you want her hanging around messing up your other relationships? No.

 

Look, we all get rejected and we all have unrequited relationships at one time or another. You can't waste time on dwelling on it. Best thing to do is totally cut off contact, and that is what she wants. At the point you insist on maintaining contact with her despite being told she doesn't want that, you are invading her privacy. Please don't be that guy.

 

And as a side note, you need to date around and be social and see a bit of the world and society before deciding on a girl to marry. Good grief, she is only 17, not even of legal age in many states! She won't be ready to have kids for a decade or more. And you are too young to do that as well, because you have zero life experience. So please just be social and do activities and stay busy and stop focusing on this girl who isn't interested in you.

 

This seems to be a reasonable answer.

But I forgot to mention this . . . . . . . little information.

To be honest, I am not "normal". I am mentally defective.

I have common sense, but I do not have morals. At the age of 18, i was diagnosed being a sociopath. Everything in this world , I view them as a matter of perspective. To me, concepts such as Good and evil or right and wrong do not exist.

I do not mix well in society, I tried to, but my efforts were futile and I was regarded as the black sheep of society. Until a point in my life , I became depressed. I discovered my life has no meaning, I don't have a role in this world to play, I was simply a puppet without strings in this world. In the end, at the age of 21, I concluded that my existence was a mistake.

 

I tried everything, I tried religion , it didn't work.

I was alone for my entire life. My "friends" were all simply my accomplices and associates. I only have two people who I would call my dear friends. Could it be because of this that I wish to be accepted by others ? That I yearn the acceptance of others so much?

I fear the outcome when I "date" around. I have faced rejection numerous times. I do not wish to be hurt again. Since I was young, people shunned away from me because I was "different". I fear people are afraid of me every time.

Edited April 19, 2015 by bryanblade

[preraph]

I know what sociopaths are like. About 1 in 100 people has some sociopathic facets. A higher percentage of CEOs are sociopaths than are found in the general population. Of course, most of the sociopaths we hear about are the murderous ones, but certainly not all sociopaths are violent. However, being sociopathic and unable to empathize with what another person or creature feels is usually what keeps you from having a healthy relationship.

 

Most of us feel really sad if we see someone else suffer and feel concern and want to protect someone when they are frightened. Most of us would feel bad taking something from someone who had worked really hard to buy whatever it was we took. But sociopaths don't have that empathy. They only really feel sorry for themselves.

 

If you have been correctly diagnosed (and I would certainly get a second opinion because you might not have been), then most people will have a real hard time getting along with you. There is no "cure" for being a sociopath at this time. Most people get that way from a really bad childhood, but sometimes it's a brain issue. So these things are hard to just change. Many psychiatrists won't even try to treat a sociopath because there is no real cure, but the ones who do think behavior modification is the best answer.

 

If you are sociopathic, then you've known for a long time that the things that stop other people from doing things have no significance to you. You probably think other people are stupid that they put those constraints on themselves. But it's all a part of getting along in the world, and it's all based in being loved as a child and learning not to hurt the ones you love.

 

Since you seem aware of your issues and seem only to want to get along as well as possible, I can only suggest that you do go to a new psychiatrist for that second opinion and that while there discuss with him behavior modification. He might not do it himself but might want to refer you.

 

Other than that, you know it's a matter of being very aware that you are different and trying to mimic other people's behavior so that you are not acting inappropriately. Because if you let yourself act inappropriately, like getting stuck on pursuing someone who doesn't want you, you know where you will end up -- in jail.

 

So please be smart and use your own self-discipline to not act out of bounds. Your life will be happier that way. A good basic rule of thumb to live by is "Don't do anything to anyone else or anything else you wouldn't want done to you." If you thinks things through before you do them and follow that rule, that will give you a tool that looks a lot like empathy.

[Mrlonelyone]

The truth is between 17 and 23 is a big gap. Not because of the years but because of the amount of maturation and change that happens between 17 and 23. (Your pre-frontal cortex, the place in the brain responsible for better judgement, does not stop growing until an average of 25 years old.) Even without the roadblocks it would be hard.

 

She has a boyfriend she feels that she is happy with. While at 17 changing her mind is likely a 17 year old who's apt to change her mind about the BF will change it in your disfavor just as easily.

 

With these difficulties it becomes impossible.

 

Leave the 17 year old alone and see what happens with her. Meanwhile, find other women closer to you in age say 20-25 years old.

[No Limit]

There's no difference between waiting for a miracle and moving on - at least when you look at the results.

[Satu]

You should keep a respectful distance from her.

 

Leave her in peace and let her enjoy her life.