Indonesia1 Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Sorry for the long post.... Ive been dating a guy for about 4-5 months. Not that long but he's the first guy i've liked properly since my ex who was my first love. I thought i might even be falling for him. Recently in the last few weeks we have been arguing about how little effort he seems to make. On one part i think i overreact but definitely there is a lack of effort. i didn't know if this meant if he didn't care. He recently (last week) got diagnosed with depression and is taking antidepressants and having therapy. On thursday i got so upset because i found out potential worrying news about my mother and the only time i would have seen him in the week we spent it doing something when i made it clear i just wanted an evening to relax. I got frustrated that he was lacking empathy. I said if he's not committed then i didn't want to be in a relationship and feel like i'm forcing my company. He rarely asks to see me anymore and i said i want to see him more. At the minute we see eachother around two times a week. Less than when we were 'seeing' eachother. He isn't interested in anyone else as far as i know. Yesterday i asked if everything was okay and he said it was. But when i saw him out at the end of the night he sat me down and said he didn't know if he could be the guy for me and i asked if he was breaking up with me. He said he didn't want to be but didn't know if he could be 100% emotionally devoted like i wanted. He said his depression meant he never wants to see people and he feels overwhelmed about the pressure of upsetting me and wanting to make prior plans. I was so upset. I said there didnt need to be a pressure and he said maybe let's have something more casual (but still not date other people). We agreed on that but i'm worried because he said might only be able to see me once a week and thats not guaranteed because he's living day by day because he feels so overwhelmed by life. He has a few family problems going on aswell. (he has placement somewhere else for 5 days a week for next 7 weeks). I'm worried i've just talked him into that aswell. even though i've agreed to be a more casual girlfriend i cant help but feel that this distancing is just a precursor to breaking up and a chance for him to get used to it. This is what happened in my old relationship. I told him this and he sent me this message today 'I understand why you have a sense of impending doom about the relationship. I said i wanted to break up because i didn't think you would want it to go more casual from what you said on thursday and the last thursday aswell. I felt that you wanted/deserved/need a higher level of involvement than i can give right now. This isn't a reflection of how much i like or care about you; although i realise it seems that way. I feel like i have gone about this whole issue the wrong way. I care about you so much and i don't want you to feel like we're prolonging breaking up. I really appreciated how understanding youve been and hopefully once the medication and therapy kicks in things can go back to the way they were. I'm sorry about all this' The sex is still very good and frequent. We're not short of physical affection. He told me he hasnt liked someone as much in 4-5 years. But the breakup to him seemed like such an easy option to him so i don't know what to think. I understand he is depressed and wanting to work on his own emotions. I always took a person thinking to break up with you for a long time and finally saying it meant something was very wrong. Today hes asked to see me tomorrow and when hes back for a picnic with his friends next weekend. Do you guys think it sounds like it could end up working?
Author Indonesia1 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Posted April 19, 2015 does anyone have any experience being a relationship with someone depressed? do they push away?
PogoStick Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Yes, you could work this out, but it's better to just let this one go. You want to see him more, and gave him grief for not being the boyfriend that you desire. That IS pressure and is not something he can deal with. Why say you're not happy and can't stay in the relationship, but then you want to save the relationship after he ends it?
Gaeta Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 You need to educate yourself on depression and the medication to treat it. What kind of depression does he suffer from? Is it seasonal depression? is it provoked by event therefore expected to be temporary? or is it clinical chronic depression and he'll be battling this all his life? Depending on the meds he was prescribed yes, these medications will have important side effects. It numbs feelings, you don't feel so sad anymore but at the same time it prevents you from feeling love and happiness. Also important drop in libido is associated with depression meds. He has not taken them long enough to notice yet but in a couple of months you may feel is he not interested in sex so much and when you are intimate it will be different and he won't be able to ejaculate. You cannot expect him to resume a relationship with you as if nothing happened. It does not work that way. If you want him in your life you have to understand what he is suffering from and accept he will have ups and downs. Sometimes it takes up to 1 year for the depression meds to be fully efficient. Personally I would end the relationship. This man has just learned he is suffering from depression, he will need time to adjust to his meds and he'll need time to learn to manage the different aspects of depression. You only have a few months invested in this relationship. The base of your relationship isn't strong enough to survive this, in my opinion. If you absolutely want to remain in this relationship than you need to lower your expectation and be comfortable doing so. You can't start complaining to him that things are different, he know things are different and he can't give you more. If you complain and demand more than he is capable to give you will just add to his already existing stress. 1
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