Went on date with co worker, went great but she's saying she only wants to be friends

[RockoJulian]

I kinda picked up on some cues that my co worker (Victoria) liked me so I decided to get to know her through text and she kinda hinted around hanging out sometime so I asked her out. She agreed and we went out on our first date this past Friday. We both planned it out with the fact she needed to be back home to take care of her dogs since her parents were out of town. She is 21 I am 26 btw. So anyway i picked her up and I took her out for sushi, and while we were there she was having trouble with chopsticks so I took that as my approach to physical contact by helping her hold them properly. After that went to a place called The Butterfly House, we both had fun there but afterwards we walked in the back area and I approached holding hands with her with confidence, not hesitation. We walked around about 3 times and held hands, then we went to my car, I approached holding hands in the car and she was cool with it. I told her that it was 4:00 (originally wanted to be home by 5) and I asked her if she would like to go to the arcade down the street and she agreed. When we went, I got out and I began to hold her hand again and then she told me she didn't want to because of it being hot out and being hot in the butterfly house so I willingly let go neutrally. Then as we were getting money on the card for the arcade she began to space out (I assumed bc of a bunch of kids running around because she told me previously she can get claustrophobic at times). I then asked if she was okay and then said she was fine. As soon as we began playing games, we began having fun and had a great time and the kids eventually began to leave and it ended up only being us. Then I took her home and no hug or kiss happened even though I wanted too but I just felt it would have pushed too much at once. I wasn't afraid to though. So a few hours later we text a bit and things seem fine and she agreed to hang out again. The next day I received this text message...

 

"Look I'm just gonna throw this out here and say that I don't think we should get involved or anything like that because we're coworkers. I totally wouldn't mind hanging out with you as friends but i think that should be it. It really has nothing to do with you"

 

Here was my response

 

"Sorry for the delay in my response, I was in dog training class and then went to a movie. I had a great time hanging out and getting to know you better. Appreciate your honesty. The feeling is mutual. Have a great weekend!"

 

The thing that gets me about this is our manager (Amanda) who got her the job previously worked with her at the kennel she used to work at. At that time Amanda was friends with her boyfriend whom she worked with. Not saying she should be that way too but it just feels like there is another reason because when Amanda came to the kennel I am at now, she was living with her boyfriend and they both ended up working here for about a year. Victoria knew all about this which is why maybe she just wants to be friends for now. I havent said anything at work about us even hanging out and idk if she has spoke with anyone about it, but I feel like maybe Amanda may have told her things going on with me and my recent 3 year relationship break up. I'm not trying to rush anything, I genuinely like this girl so far and I have a desire to get to know her more because she has a very sweet personality and has a great sense of humor. I would like something more to come of this. Part of me tells me that she is just afraid of a commitment because of work and because she will be moving hours away for school in the fall. Another part tells me that she could be testing me. This could go so many different directions, but I think she likes me so I am just going to focus on myself, pursue my music and date other women and see where things go and keep myself busy.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

It's one of two things.

 

1) an excuse to let you down, she didn't feel a connection

 

2) she might like you, but isn't 100% sure. doesn't want to date a coworker again and repeat past mistakes so decides to break it off.

 

Either way, move on.

[saladfingers]

Bro I hate to say it, I don't think its a test. She was pretty up front with you about it, I would just take it at face value. I know it's super frustrating, girls can be totally jacked up sometimes and change their Minds, but perhaps it's for the better. She probably thought about the co-worker thing at the arcade, maybe it reminded her of work somehow.

[fitnessfan365]

Dude, why would you respond with : "I had a great time hanging out and getting to know you better. Appreciate your honesty. The feeling is mutual. Have a great weekend!"

 

What you need to say is this :

 

"I'm way too attracted to you. So I have no interest in friendship whatsoever. But feel free to call me if you change your mind"

 

Then you only talk to her when absolutely necessary at work and avoid her in general. Under no circumstances do you become her hang out buddy gossiping at work, having lunches, or doing group hang outs. Unfortunately in the real world when women say they just want to be friends, it means that nothing you ever do will EVER change her mind. You had your chance and she didn't feel it. So unless you want to torture yourself, let her go for good.

Edited April 19, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[jen1447]

Just to give you some feedback, the way you describe all the hand-holding gives me a bit of an icky vibe. Why did you do that? First date and all, you don't need to get real feely and hold her hand everywhere.

[RockoJulian]

Dude, why would you respond with : "I had a great time hanging out and getting to know you better. Appreciate your honesty. The feeling is mutual. Have a great weekend!"

 

What you need to say is this :

 

"I'm way too attracted to you. So I have no interest in friendship whatsoever. But feel free to call me if you change your mind"

 

Then you only talk to her when absolutely necessary at work and avoid her in general. Under no circumstances do you become her hang out buddy gossiping at work, having lunches, or doing group hang outs. Unfortunately in the real world when women say they just want to be friends, it means that nothing you ever do will EVER change her mind. You had your chance and she didn't feel it. So unless you want to torture yourself, let her go for good.

 

I'm not planning on going out of my way or anything, I am just moving on from it, focusing on myself and dating other people. I just don't understand how people judge things off of one date, I think it's just the work thing that gets to her.

[RockoJulian]

Just to give you some feedback, the way you describe all the hand-holding gives me a bit of an icky vibe. Why did you do that? First date and all, you don't need to get real feely and hold her hand everywhere.

 

It's been a long time 3 years since I have really went on a first date. I have been watching endless amounts of dating advice videos and reading it too. All of it has overall even said to approach a kiss and a hug on the first date. I didn't even attempt that.

[RockoJulian]

Just to give you some feedback, the way you describe all the hand-holding gives me a bit of an icky vibe. Why did you do that? First date and all, you don't need to get real feely and hold her hand everywhere.

 

It's one of two things.

 

1) an excuse to let you down, she didn't feel a connection

 

2) she might like you, but isn't 100% sure. doesn't want to date a coworker again and repeat past mistakes so decides to break it off.

 

Either way, move on.

 

She's never dated a co worker before, it was our manager who did and is still in a relationship with the same guy and lives with him.

[fitnessfan365]

I'm not planning on going out of my way or anything, I am just moving on from it, focusing on myself and dating other people. I just don't understand how people judge things off of one date, I think it's just the work thing that gets to her.

 

Haha.. Trust me dude. If two people that work together want to make it happen, they do. My best friend had a crush on his female co-worker for a few years. But did the smart thing and bottled it because she's a co-worker. However, she told a mutual work friend that she had always liked him too. So the friend told my buddy. He played it cool, started talking to her more with a bit of flirtation for a few weeks, got her number, and the rest is history. They've been together for almost a year now.

 

What you need to focus on is her saying that she just wants to be friends. If she was attracted to you she'd say "I would really like to keep dating you. But we just have to be careful and keep it discreet because we work together." Then she'd probably get turned on at the secrecy of it and feel massive tension being around you at work and not being able to do anything about it. Then after work, she'd be begging for you to take care of her. But that's only if she's attracted. She said she wants to be "friends". So it's a no go either way.

[RockoJulian]

Haha.. Trust me dude. If two people that work together want to make it happen, they do. My best friend had a crush on his female co-worker for a few years. But did the smart thing and bottled it because she's a co-worker. However, she told a mutual work friend that she had always liked him too. So the friend told my buddy. He played it cool, started talking to her more with a bit of flirtation for a few weeks, got her number, and the rest is history. They've been together for almost a year now.

 

What you need to focus on is her saying that she just wants to be friends. If she was attracted to you she'd say "I would really like to keep dating you. But we just have to be careful and keep it discreet because we work together." Then she'd probably even get turned on at the secrecy of it if she liked you.

 

Well that's what I was thinking too but idk she could be paranoid about it and not want to get in trouble. I really don't know. I'm just going to leave it at what it is for now and be myself.

[fitnessfan365]

Well that's what I was thinking too but idk she could be paranoid about it and not want to get in trouble. I really don't know. I'm just going to leave it at what it is for now and be myself.

 

Just make sure that you don't become her gossip buddy at work, have lunches with her, go out on group activities with her, etc.. You need to stay away from her, and only talk to her on necessary work related issues. If you start hanging out with her in a friendship capacity, it will only further cement you in the friend zone.

 

On rare occasions, complete indifference and showing a woman what she's missing has been known to work. Granted, it's like 1 in 10. But better to have a ten percent chance then not at all. If she confronts you about why you've been avoiding her, you simply say "I'm too attracted to you and don't want to be friends. Call me if you change your mind. Otherwise let's focus on work".

[jen1447]

It's been a long time 3 years since I have really went on a first date. I have been watching endless amounts of dating advice videos and reading it too. All of it has overall even said to approach a kiss and a hug on the first date. I didn't even attempt that.

 

Maybe one kiss and one or two hugs, but prolonged handholding may have made her feel like you were jumping to the BF/GF stage on the first date, bc that's what BF/GFs do. My initial feeling is that's what put her off. Like next date you'd be moving in together. So she got a little freaked, maybe panicked a little, and ended it before any of that went any further.

[RockoJulian]

I ran into her today at work and she and I were fine, felt a bit awkward for me bc I really like her and she might like me, but I think she is just nervous because we work together, but the weirdest thing is I work nights and I only see her sometimes when I come in for my shift. I really feel like telling her truthfully I had a great time and I felt I came across too forward but the last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable

[Gary S]

She does not want to have to be around you if a relationship does not work out, it could be awkward. There is a saying - don't poop where you eat.

 

Or, it's just an excuse because she has realized she does not like you.

 

Either way, it's not going anywhere.

[RockoJulian]

Well its weird now bc she sent me a pic of her.

[CarrieT]

I have been watching endless amounts of dating advice videos and reading it too.

STOP THAT!!!!

 

Seriously - those videos and PUA sites will mess with your brain... Just stop and do what feels naturally. Not what is prescribed for you with those vids.

[saladfingers]

I ran into her today at work and she and I were fine, felt a bit awkward for me bc I really like her and she might like me, but I think she is just nervous because we work together, but the weirdest thing is I work nights and I only see her sometimes when I come in for my shift. I really feel like telling her truthfully I had a great time and I felt I came across too forward but the last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable

 

 

 

Dood. I will be as gentle as I can. You are in denial. There's no way she'd tell you she just wants a friendship but still actively harbors attraction for you.

 

Listen to "fitness", he/she knows what's up. This girl was super up front with you about the whole thing, I'd appreciate the hell out of that - some chicks just drag you around like a baby blanket.

[fitnessfan365]

Well its weird now bc she sent me a pic of her.

 

This is just me, but if a woman just gave me the "friends" speech, and then sent me a picture of herself looking for attention, I'd have fun with it. Be flirty, sarcastic, and basically call her on her crap. Plus, the last thing I want is to be a texting buddy with a woman that just friend zoned me. So if you stress your romantic interest again, and she isn't interested, she won't want to keep texting with you. Example :

 

"Those lips of yours would look even better pressed against mine. Oh wait...I don't kiss my "friends" ;-P "

 

Dood. I will be as gentle as I can. You are in denial. There's no way she'd tell you she just wants a friendship but still actively harbors attraction for you.

 

Listen to "fitness", he/she knows what's up. This girl was super up front with you about the whole thing, I'd appreciate the hell out of that - some chicks just drag you around like a baby blanket.

 

Hopefully my above quoted post lets you in on the fact that I am a guy dude..LOL

Edited April 19, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[RockoJulian]

This is just me, but if a woman just gave me the "friends" speech, and then sent me a picture of herself looking for attention, I'd have fun with it. Be flirty, sarcastic, and basically call her on her crap. Plus, the last thing I want is to be a texting buddy with a woman that just friend zoned me. So if you stress your romantic interest again, and she isn't interested, she won't want to keep texting with you. Example :

 

"Those lips of yours would look even better pressed against mine. Oh wait...I don't kiss my "friends" ;-P "

 

 

 

Hopefully my above quoted post lets you in on the fact that I am a guy dude..LOL

 

That's totally true! I was thinking that but wasn't sure if the silent treatment would work. She sent me a pic of her curly hair bc I complimented it yesterday so I sent one of what mine used to be haha. She seemed into it but ya idk should I send what you said or just not respond anymore?

[saladfingers]

That's totally true! I was thinking that but wasn't sure if the silent treatment would work. She sent me a pic of her curly hair bc I complimented it yesterday so I sent one of what mine used to be haha. She seemed into it but ya idk should I send what you said or just not respond anymore?

 

 

 

It's not a pass at you. She's fishing for compliments. She knows YOU like her so it's a safe bet she will get her bid answered. If you really want to Shake things up, send her a pic of your hard pen0r, see what she says. You'll know real quick if she's interested or not.

[fitnessfan365]

That's totally true! I was thinking that but wasn't sure if the silent treatment would work. She sent me a pic of her curly hair bc I complimented it yesterday so I sent one of what mine used to be haha. She seemed into it but ya idk should I send what you said or just not respond anymore?

 

Ah man. You just continue to dig yourself in deeper. Now you traded a hair pic with her like you're a couple of gal pals from the beauty parlor. My text only would have worked as an initial response to her picture in a last ditch attempt to rework her frame of mind.

 

But now, you're completely in the friend zone IMO. So just do yourself a favor and go no contact from now on.

[RockoJulian]

Ah man. You just continue to dig yourself in deeper. Now you traded a hair pic with her like you're a couple of gal pals from the beauty parlor. My text only would have worked as an initial response to her picture in a last ditch attempt to rework her frame of mind.

 

But now, you're completely in the friend zone IMO. So just do yourself a favor and go no contact from now on.

 

 

No dude I am doing what u said, it was a long time ago, I already told her about it yesterday, it isnt gal ****.

[fitnessfan365]

No dude I am doing what u said, it was a long time ago, I already told her about it yesterday, it isnt gal ****.

 

Well that's a relief..LOL

 

But when you say it's awkward now because she sent me a pic and then say that you sent her one, it comes off that way. But what you're saying is that you had sent her one of yourself awhile back and her response is probably in reference to that.

[Imported]

You held hands in the car? Really?

[RockoJulian]

Well that's a relief..LOL

 

But when you say it's awkward now because she sent me a pic and then say that you sent her one, it comes off that way. But what you're saying is that you had sent her one of yourself awhile back and her response is probably in reference to that.

 

Its a photo I have received tons of compliments on in the past and she said it looked nothing like me and asked what it was. Plus her pick he is doing the kiss lips deal so it only makes sense to say what you said.