Need help- attraction problem to bf

[citrus]

Hello.

 

I haven't been able to talk about this to nearly anyone. This subject pains me deeply and I cannot find a resolution to the problem. I don't know if anyone can help.

 

I have a long distance relationship with my bf for a little over a year- We visit eachother fairly often though for long periods of time and talk every single day. Let me back up real quick.

 

My first boyfriend I stopped being attracted to- I was attracted to him at first but it died... I wanted someone who I felt was more suited for me and wouldn't cause the same problems. I hated breaking up with him and felt awful. I foolishly decided I would only get involved with a guy who I felt I could always be attracted to. Someone who could engage me mentally and keep me interested for the long haul, someone who I would never have to go through the painful process of noticing my feelings are dead and breaking up with him. The foolish part is expecting to be able to tell up front. I never wanted to be involved in a relationship like the first one again, because I stuck with him for a long time after the attraction died and I hated the long periods of guilt and feeling dead, until after 2.5 years of being together I broke up with him. I hated hurting him. It was an awful experience to reject who is currently your best friend, to know what you are doing to them. It hurt me a lot.

 

The second relationship.. Well it lasted a little over a year. I thought he was "The One" at first but as time went on it became apparent he wasn't. It was difficult for me to give up soon though b/c I had already promised myself I would not let him down. I felt again that there was something wrong with me because I lost attraction to him- Although now I realize there were many things about him I did not like.

 

My third and CURRENT boyfriend... Well, he is really great. The biggest problem I think is physical attraction, or perhaps emotional attractioin. On the physical side, I mean, I like his face and his personality, but he is slightly overweight. Has a sizable gut and is losing his hair. He feels awful about it. I try to reassure him b/c he has felt insecure in the past that he could ever be attractive. This may be stupid, but I originally fell for him after seeing his picture (after also knowing that I liked his personality- we knew eachother for years prior, but the picture was the clincher)... But it was an old picture and he had changed a bit- gained weight and lost hair. I didn't realize it was old at the time and I let him know that I liked him, and so then the relationship began. I had JUST broken up with my second boyfriend so I think that emotionally I really was vulnerable too because of that. Anyway I soon got more pictures, and they weren't too bad.

 

Thing is, my bf keeps on pointing out his insecurities with his body... and it draws more attention to it, and I notice it more.

 

I'm sorry this is not coming out quite right.

 

I don't feel thrills thinking about him. Is this wrong? I generally don't feel like kissing him. Is this wrong? We actually went through a few breakups started by me near the beginning- But I also was on medication for something else I was going through at the time, and that messed with me a lot, causing me to feel sluggish and no enthusiasm, and after not feeling all that attracted to him during our early visits, I broke up with him. But then I decided to give it another chance (it could have been the meds) and we've been stable since. Also thank goodness I am completely off meds and doing fine now.

 

Anyway, thing is, I really like his personality a whole lot. I am very in tune with his emotions, and I could not imagine the pain it would cause to break up with him- it is overwhelming.

 

I feel like he could be great for me in the long run as a partner. But... This lack of attraction bothers me. Do I not feel like kissing so much b/c I have gotten older and it has become 'old'? Will I feel more like it if our love grows more?

 

There was one thing I found on the net where this 'advice columnist' said that a relationship needs to have all aspects- your partner needs to fulfill every need, including physical attraction. It made tears spill out because I have been keeping this inside for so long.

 

I would be willing to tell my bf that his weight causes me to lose attraction- though this might really hurt him. I try so hard to tell him that I am still attracted to him regardless, but after it comes out I won't be able to comfort him any more. I don't know waht to do. I mean last night he spoke about how he was trying to diet because he felt he had gained MORE weight than I saw him last... and last time he had gained wait too. I said very little and so I think he got the point that I agreed that dieting is a good thing... But I don't know. I mean honestly I really do not mind his weight that much right now, but if it gets worse it might bother me more. But.. if he suddenly became fit and didn't have a gut, I think that it would increase my attraction towards him a lot. And, in a way I really really would like him to lose weight because I feel like it might do a lot for me, but I feel wrong saying that.

 

The main reason I like him is that I respect his personality and views incredibly. I think he is highly intelligent and such a great person. I feel like I really have a good catch- I feel like I would get annoyed with most other guys for not having his views... But I cannot deny that there is something missing. But... is there really something missing?? Am I not just still obsessing with my fears over that there is somethign wrong with me and I am incapable of love?

 

Soon he might be moving down to where I live and moving in. Sometimes I feel like maybe it is the wrong chioce. That I should know that there is a feeling something is wrong, and I shouldn't ignore it. But he provides so much stability and support for me. It is very comforting to know that he will be the person standing by my side, and there are many things about him that make me look forward to moving in with him.

 

But this attraction thing... I mean I DO long to be attracted to my significant other. I feel like it is not fair because he says that he sees my picture and gets a tingle when he thinks of kissing me. I don't get the same tingle. It makes me feel simulataneusly guilty and jealous. I want to be able to experience being attracted to my bofyriend too.

 

But he is so much... I mean I would probably be throwing away something that is very good. I do not know.. It's so hard. I mean I feel so much turmoil inside over this. I don't understand why I feel so little emotionally towards him. I feel sometimes like the best thing to do would to just break things off so I don't have to deal with this unsureness about my life anymore. But I feel like maybe I am just being stupid.??? Maybe I am just being stupid because I know I am satisfied with him for the most part??? Maybe my past relationships have just caused me insecurities with myself and I just am too paranoid about making the wrong decision.

 

I don't think that anyone can really give me a definitive answer. I mean... you can never know how things are going to turn out. Things work out differently for different people. And if I don't feel right about making a decision, I will regret it. But this hurts me so much. I hate being in this position, and having these feelings, or lack thereof. Not understanding or being able to know if I love him or not. I mean in some ways it seems like I love him but at other times I worry that my lack of feelings might point to that I don't. Any advice? Also... Please do not be too harsh towards me please.

[curiousnycgirl]

You are right, no one else can give you "the" definitive answer here.

 

I will however say that I think living together would be a mistake at this point, and cause further complications should the relationship not make it. Date for a while living in the same city before you co-habitate.

 

As far as the weight goes - I would encourage him to exercise and diet - because HE feels badly about it. I would not say it bothers you - but it clearly bothers him. Once he moves to the same city, offer to be a work out buddy.

 

Otherwise, who knows! best of luck with it.

[Marshbear]

There are many things that attract people to each other. Looks, personality, humor,hobbies, etc. After you are around someone for awhile your initial physical interest usually dies down and the other things that you love about them makes you want to be with them. In your case I think your infatuation ends and you no longer desire them physically. Infatuation always dies down over time and you cannot expect the same desire that you had when you first met.

 

If you truly have no desire for him and you can't see yourself with him then you need to tell him and let him find someone who wants what he wants. It isn't fair to him or you to string him along. If the emotions aren't there and you have to force yourself to kiss them or make love then tell him as gently as you can but expect the friendship to end. Rarely can someone stay friends when the other party has no desire and you still do.

 

Why can't you love him? That is a question only you can answer. Sometimes your wants are to high or you are waiting for the white knight but only you can decide that. If you don't love him and can't see love in the future then tell him....

[amerikajin]

I foolishly decided I would only get involved with a guy who I felt I could always be attracted to

 

What's so foolish about that?

 

I think you're messing up when it comes to attraction. Maybe you don't yet have a concrete idea of what it is you're attracted to, but attraction over the long haul has to be more than just physical.

 

If it's any consolation, I seem to be having the same problem myself. It's simply a matter of not knowing what you really want out of a relationship. When you enter into a relationship not knowing what it is you're looking for, you get confused, and so does the other person, because they aren't sure how to respond.

 

You shouldn't have to apologize about not being attracted to someone, but you should apologize if you're not being straight about your interests, desires.

[citrus]

Thankyou for all of your replies. I read them all, and I appreciate the insight.

 

The day after posting this, I realized that I should have never posted it. It was wrong for me to write about him behind his back on a public forum. Even if I feel i have noone to talk to, I should find another way, like talking to him or privately to a friend. (I am approaching him about this tomorrow) I didn't realize it was wrong until I started feeling guilty about it when my concience started telling me this was wrong.

 

I just registered in an emotional frenzy, and after thinking about what I've done afterwards, I would really like for this thread to be deleted. I don't feel comfortable with what I have written here.

 

I know that there is a rule against it having threads deleted or edited after they are posted.. Well I found out when I tried to edit it this morning and realized I could not after 20 minutes after having posted. I didn't even read any replies... I just wanted to delete this.

 

I would hope that if the kind people who have put forth the effort to reply to this reply saying it's okay if their responses get deleted, and it is taken into account that I registered only yesterday quickly in an emotional frenzy... That this thread could be deleted, and my IP can be banned from these forums if that would make it more legal.

 

I would like to give up all rights to access and use these forums and revoke all privileges here, so that my thread can be deleted. Sorry about this.

[Skullcrusher]

Stop reading into fantasies or comparing yourself to others.

[Groovy]

She probably won't see this but I think it sucks to talk about my BF to family or friends who see him all the time and may judge him. I mean jeez, no one is going to meet my BF here and we are all anonymous and objective if we want to be. I didn't quite get that.....