3 Years and 7 Months all gone...

[joseb]

First off, you are only a little over a month out. For me, a month/6 weeks was probably the worst time, and I was in my relationship 5 years.

It will get better.

 

Secondly, absolutely in no way send her a card.

Indeed stop that kind of thinking. She is not part of your life anymore.

It's tough, but true.

 

Thirdly, can you stay off facebook/update settings so that you don't get updates from people who are friends of hers? Seeing pics of my ex was really triggering for me - I accidentally saw one when I was backing up some files on my computer about a month post breakup.

 

You are doing fine. And you will be fine. And you will find a girl that appreciates you for who you are. I would far rather be single that try to be someone else to try to trick a girl into liking me.

 

However, I would say that the never get jealous or controlling is fair. No-one likes that.

Edited May 26, 2015 by joseb

[imbax]

First off, you are only a little over a month out. For me, a month/6 weeks was probably the worst time, and I was in my relationship 5 years.

It will get better.

 

Secondly, absolutely in no way send her a card.

Indeed stop that kind of thinking. She is not part of your life anymore.

It's tough, but true.

 

Thirdly, can you stay off facebook/update settings so that you don't get updates from people who are friends of hers? Seeing pics of my ex was really triggering for me - I accidentally saw one when I was backing up some files on my computer about a month post breakup.

 

You are doing fine. And you will be fine. And you will find a girl that appreciates you for who you are. I would far rather be single that try to be someone else to try to trick a girl into liking me.

 

However, I would say that the never get jealous or controlling is fair. No-one likes that.

 

Today was a lower day for me than usual. Every now and then I find myself getting angry about how she treated me and all the emotional abuse she put me through then pinning it on me, it was always my fault.

 

Then I get sad that she couldn't be nicer to me and that there is something wrong with me for someone who treats everyone else with love, joy and respect can treat me like scum. I don't get that...does anyone have an explanation? Is it because she was more comfortable with me and revealed her true side? Or did I just let her walk all over me without knowing.

 

I am so envious of those girlfriends who stay with their boyfriends no matter what they say or do. Even guys who have short life expectancies and various disabilities, their girlfriends stick it through with them right to the end. I don't know what I did wrong to make my ex-girlfriend treat me this way. I just want to be treated with love, something I crave for but never got.

[diamondgirl]

I'm sorry to tell you but it is going to take way longer than 8 weeks to get over her. it really sucks, but its the truth. i would say i started to feel better around the 5-6 month mark and i still have days that i feel sad. of course you wont feel the way you do now in a few months but its a long process.

 

my advice to you would be to try to stop over analyzing so much. this killed me. i kept reminding myself that he was no longer in my life so it didnt matter why he did what he did in the past or what he might do in the future. he chose to leave my life and so why should i waste all my valuable time thinking about him? i actually had to think of my brain as a tv and tell myself to change the channel when i was harping too much.

 

youre doing great. there will be good days and bad days. stick to nc, try to occupy yourself and hang in there. it really will get easier in time.

[johan]

The more I think about it, the more I lean towards just silence and nothing but silence towards her.

Ultimately, it's the best choice. It's not easy. It takes some strength.

 

You are completely right here. I think the reason why I wanted to see her was to escape my own misery and somehow make her believe that I am still there for her even when she is gone. Its tragic that I can think like this, but I see your point here. I think I just wanted to start a reaction in her by sending her the message and I seek validation through her love for me. Its little hope but I think I am a little better these days and don't think too highly of her as much even though a huge part of me still belongs to her.

Ultimately you'll find out that isn't true. Or at least whatever she took will grow back. You have to give it time. It won't go by a schedule, however. And even after you find you feel all healed up, occasionally there will be relapses. Why breaking up is like one of the worst illnesses you'll ever have in life, I can't say. We're not programmed to take fundamental rejection very well. Denial of love, and complete separation from someone who we are attached to just don't compute for us. But understanding that gives you a foundation to stand on. Knowing that what you feel at any point in time is natural and part of the process can provide some relief.

 

Yeah I think I am going to approach future relationships in 1 of 2 ways.

 

1. Be non-chalant, never get mad, never get angry, never get jealous or controlling. Do not care what she does or what she doesn't do. Don't plan or do much with her and let her do all the work. Never show her any sad/hurt/anger or misery. Just be level headed and calm with the occasional gift every now and then.

 

2. Be myself and find a girl who appreciates me for who I am through the rough and good times.

 

Which one should I be? I think most girls fall for option 1, and dump the person in option number 2. Option number 2 is what I thought my ex-gf was to me until she dumped me Maybe I'll try option 1 next time round.

 

I'd just say that if you want to succeed in a relationship for real, then acting the way you describe is not the way to go. She'll be more attracted to you when she sees that you care. But right now it makes sense to think of ways to act that will protect your heart. I've thought the same way you describe. I couldn't pull it off though. I could only be who I am.

 

Ultimately you want to be stronger when you've healed up, not in an emotional fortress. The best I can say is hang in there and take this time to really look for ways to improve yourself. Find the things in life that make you a better man.

Edited May 27, 2015 by johan

[imbax]

I'm sorry to tell you but it is going to take way longer than 8 weeks to get over her. it really sucks, but its the truth. i would say i started to feel better around the 5-6 month mark and i still have days that i feel sad. of course you wont feel the way you do now in a few months but its a long process.

 

my advice to you would be to try to stop over analyzing so much. this killed me. i kept reminding myself that he was no longer in my life so it didnt matter why he did what he did in the past or what he might do in the future. he chose to leave my life and so why should i waste all my valuable time thinking about him? i actually had to think of my brain as a tv and tell myself to change the channel when i was harping too much.

 

youre doing great. there will be good days and bad days. stick to nc, try to occupy yourself and hang in there. it really will get easier in time.

 

Thank you diamondgirl. How are you coping with your own break up? Are things getting any easier for yourself?

 

I'm glad I didn't give away too much of my dignity and didn't make myself look too pathetic after the break up. I made it seem like it didn't phase me at all.

 

At the moment I am working on myself, I have great confidence in myself. The only problem I have is finding it difficult to talk to girls because I don't want to come off as desperate especially post-break up.

 

I know I am probably only looking for a rebound but it would be nice to have someone there..."another her". It's hard to get girls these days

 

 

Ultimately, it's the best choice. It's not easy. It takes some strength.

 

 

Ultimately you'll find out that isn't true. Or at least whatever she took will grow back. You have to give it time. It won't go by a schedule, however. And even after you find you feel all healed up, occasionally there will be relapses. Why breaking up is like one of the worst illnesses you'll ever have in life, I can't say. We're not programmed to take fundamental rejection very well. Denial of love, and complete separation from someone who we are attached to just don't compute for us. But understanding that gives you a foundation to stand on. Knowing that what you feel at any point in time is natural and part of the process can provide some relief.

 

I'd just say that if you want to succeed in a relationship for real, then acting the way you describe is not the way to go. She'll be more attracted to you when she sees that you care. But right now it makes sense to think of ways to act that will protect your heart. I've thought the same way you describe. I couldn't pull it off though. I could only be who I am.

 

Ultimately you want to be stronger when you've healed up, not in an emotional fortress. The best I can say is hang in there and take this time to really look for ways to improve yourself. Find the things in life that make you a better man.

 

Yeah you are right. Even with my ex-gf I didn't let down my emotional guards until 2 months in before I started opening myself up to her. I think I will choose the right person to open up to. Until then, the girls that I date will be dating a robot

 

I am going to continue strong with NC.

 

The only problem is, next week I will be coming into closer physical proximities when we have a 2 day compulsory university seminar to go to. I double checked and she does not have any smaller group tutorials with me, so that is a huge relief. I am actually really scared to see her again. I want to hide away and never see her again. Because in my mind, she is dead to me. Seeing her again would reignite old feelings and hurt. I guess it will be inevitable that we will briefly see each other next week.

 

My solution is to act nonchalant, be polite, say "hi" if I see her, and move on. Then afterwards, I'll go to my car and have another cry and cry it out.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

[joseb]

The only problem I have is finding it difficult to talk to girls because I don't want to come off as desperate especially post-break up.

I know I am probably only looking for a rebound but it would be nice to have someone there..."another her". It's hard to get girls these days

 

 

You are nowhere near ready for that yet. Beware of what you wish for. Rebounds often end badly. And it's not fair on the other person.

[imbax]

So just as my mind was off her.... one of our mutual friends who I rarely talk to about anything in life messages me on Facebook "hey i heard about the breakup with XXXX let me know if you need someone there."

 

WTF.

 

Why are other people so interested in my personal life. I haven't told anyone except my closest friends yet I get randoms asking me if I am alright. I don't like it when someone brings up the topic of my ex-gf especially if they didn't hear it from me. It just means people are talking out there.

 

Now I am curious as to WHO told this person about my situation?!

[diamondgirl]

Thank you diamondgirl. How are you coping with your own break up? Are things getting any easier for yourself?

 

I'm glad I didn't give away too much of my dignity and didn't make myself look too pathetic after the break up. I made it seem like it didn't phase me at all.

 

At the moment I am working on myself, I have great confidence in myself. The only problem I have is finding it difficult to talk to girls because I don't want to come off as desperate especially post-break up.

 

I know I am probably only looking for a rebound but it would be nice to have someone there..."another her". It's hard to get girls these days

 

 

my recovery is going great! i don't really associate sadness with my ex anymore; he is just a passing thought through my mind sometimes. i have been in a new relationship for a month now and i am thrilled. he treats me amazing and is the greatest guy. taking things slow of course but im happy with how everything worked out

i genuinely was not ready to date until 6 months post breakup. i know this time is different for everyone but you do not seem ready at all to be talking to girls. don't rebound, it doesnt help. take your time, heal, and you'll meet someone naturally when the time is right.

[imbax]

That's really good to hear! I am looking for the right girl too and not just anyone. Hopefully she will be in my life soon. In the meantime, I have to deal with the remnants of my past love.

[highfidelity]

Hi imbax, firstly I'm so sorry for what happened to you. To be honest, your story isn't really far different from mine. I got dumped by my ex of 1 year a half over a month ago and it really is sucks. It hurts so bad when you have invested so much into it but the one you really loved eventually fell out of love with you. I know how you feel right now and it's alright.

 

I decided to go NC about three weeks ago and so far is good. I can't say I have 100% over my ex, but I felt better now. Be strong, there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give yourself a false hope about getting back together because the only thing you can do right now is letting her go and focus on yourself.

 

We never know where life will take us. We never know if someday she will crave back to us or entirely moved on with her life and met someone else. We really have no idea about it. Be strong and stick to your NC!

[imbax]

Hi imbax, firstly I'm so sorry for what happened to you. To be honest, your story isn't really far different from mine. I got dumped by my ex of 1 year a half over a month ago and it really is sucks. It hurts so bad when you have invested so much into it but the one you really loved eventually fell out of love with you. I know how you feel right now and it's alright.

 

I decided to go NC about three weeks ago and so far is good. I can't say I have 100% over my ex, but I felt better now. Be strong, there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give yourself a false hope about getting back together because the only thing you can do right now is letting her go and focus on yourself.

 

We never know where life will take us. We never know if someday she will crave back to us or entirely moved on with her life and met someone else. We really have no idea about it. Be strong and stick to your NC!

 

Although most times I am able to cope and function normally, deep inside I know I am still broken and I take many moments in the day for myself to just cry and let all the pain and emotions flood through me. All the good times and everything that we had together and worked towards....just disappeared. I wanted to marry this girl one day, no matter what her faults were I was ready to put up and listen to her voice for the rest of my life.

 

I keep going back and thinking of the memories we had. Especially the times she treated me bad but out of love I didn't care. I just really want her in my life at the moment I am really sad without her. It's not anyones fault. I believe in karma and I know she is a really good person inside, which is why I think I must have done some really bad things in my life to deserve this break up.

 

I don't even know myself anymore, I just see happy couples everywhere enjoying their weekend whereas I am an empty shell missing her like crazy. I am able to cope every day but it's just not the same without my other half.

[highfidelity]

Although most times I am able to cope and function normally, deep inside I know I am still broken and I take many moments in the day for myself to just cry and let all the pain and emotions flood through me. All the good times and everything that we had together and worked towards....just disappeared. I wanted to marry this girl one day, no matter what her faults were I was ready to put up and listen to her voice for the rest of my life.

 

I keep going back and thinking of the memories we had. Especially the times she treated me bad but out of love I didn't care. I just really want her in my life at the moment I am really sad without her. It's not anyones fault. I believe in karma and I know she is a really good person inside, which is why I think I must have done some really bad things in my life to deserve this break up.

 

I don't even know myself anymore, I just see happy couples everywhere enjoying their weekend whereas I am an empty shell missing her like crazy. I am able to cope every day but it's just not the same without my other half.

 

Believe me, I feel the pain too. It's truly sad when the memories crashing through our head and knowing it's all gone for eternity. It's my 5th relationship and I've been dumped once before when I'm 17 (now I'm 23), and it also hurts like hell. But time will always heal, we should believe that.

 

Speaking of karma, before I met my ex who dumped me recently, I have broke a girl's heart before. She was amazing and so nice to me, but I've been too busy at the office and finally felt out of love. We're in a relationship for 8 months and I dumped her to be with my ex. I guess I believe in karma too.

 

You should straight your head up and think the entire relationship you had with your ex. Ask yourself, was it worth your effort and time? Or will it be better if you can just let go and let the universe do its thing. Everything will be alright in the end.

[imbax]

 

So sad, I have to see her tomorrow but I don't want to see her. I will try and hide in class so that I don't have to see her. I don't want her to see me. No other way around it. Not looking forward to it at all. I feel like a loser.

[highfidelity]

 

So sad, I have to see her tomorrow but I don't want to see her. I will try and hide in class so that I don't have to see her. I don't want her to see me. No other way around it. Not looking forward to it at all. I feel like a loser.

 

Just play it cool, man! I know it's so hard.

[imbax]

Okay I'll try play it cool. Thanks for the posts! I really appreciate it.

[Yummm]

Indeed brother - just breathe and chill out.

 

My heart drops everytime I see my ex (she works 2 minutes from me so I see her in her car and on the street a lot) - but by playing it cool once it's over you feel better.

 

Thanks for your support on my thread, like you said we are both in the same boat at the moment, I feel your pain!

 

Hang in there

[imbax]

Well I am predicting a few things to happen:

 

1. Worst case scenario is I bump into her and we say hi then fk off.

 

2. Worstest case scenario is I see her sitting and flirting with the guy I suspect she is interested in / going out with / left me for??

 

3. Best case scenario is she sees me wearing the sweater she got me a few months ago for christmas and she says "nice sweater" and smiles.

 

4. Bestest case scenario is she is wearing the hoodie she still has of mine and I text her saying "nice hoodie you got there" then we catch up and have dinner and sex and get back??

 

5. Realistic scenario, I hide from her and avoid her, she avoids me. Nothing happens. We don't make contact and move on. I go back to car after the day ends, cry it out and drive home.

[imbax]

Saw her today and she saw me, didn't bother to say hi to me and neither did I. I am literally shattered and broken into pieces. She looks like she has moved on enjoying her time with this other guy who I also know. I'm so hurt and lost right now I can't even pull a happy face. I wanna ****ing die.

[highfidelity]

Saw her today and she saw me, didn't bother to say hi to me and neither did I. I am literally shattered and broken into pieces. She looks like she has moved on enjoying her time with this other guy who I also know. I'm so hurt and lost right now I can't even pull a happy face. I wanna ****ing die.

 

Hi imbax, do you a listen-to-music person? You probably should listen to a song called 'This Heart is a Muscle' by Dylan Mondegreen. It helped me a lot when I feel like I won't forget my ex ever. You can search it on YouTube. Hope you'd get better!

 

PS: ...and here's the lyric.

 

I know, I know, I know, I know

things will get better

though it was hard to let her go

and you will not forget her

 

In a month or less

you’ll feel so much stronger

will be wondering what you did with her

as the beat from your chest

tells of all you can conquer

 

As blood streams through your veins

flows without hassle

you know you can take this pain

’cause after all

the heart is a muscle

 

I know it may seem like it but

it’s not the world’s end

to part from someone who was not

a suitable girlfriend

 

In a month or less

you’ll feel so much stronger

will be wondering what you did with her

as the beat from your chest

tells of all you can conquer

 

As blood streams through your veins

flows without hassle

you know you can take this pain

’cause after all

the heart is a muscle”.

Edited June 1, 2015 by highfidelity

[FistOfTheNorthStar]

3 years and 7 months. Phew mano. That's a LONG time. It is hard when it comes crashing down. Mine broke down within a matter of 4 days and she moved on less than 2 weeks later. It does help to get rid of all reminders and live with yourself. YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN! It's hard when you find someone with that unique chemistry but the whole lack of communication will completely have shredded it if it lasted any longer. I know its hard, its been a mere 3 weeks for me and I remember ALL of the good as well as the crappy end to it. Do not idolize it, trust me it will take time but it was not all perfect. I know from my experience I let many things that deeply hurt me bypass and they had me afraid of the relationship as well. I was MADLY in love but now I do regret it and feel silly with it. Thats not to say I do not remember her. I get too much time by myself and my mind is like hey remember that one time when you guys... or that last time you guys. Like brain.. seriously? Bruhhhhhh....

Hahahaha. Chin up hermano. Push forward and let this be an experience, not your undoing.

-F

[imbax]

Guys I broke no contact just then. She texted back within the minute. This is our conversation:

 

ME: Hey XXX it's me YYY are you at uni today? If you are I was wondering if you had any time to hang for a bit after uni today?

 

Her: Hey I carpooled with ZZZ (male) today, did you drive?

 

Me: Yeah I did, I can take u home after

 

Her: I actually brought my car..how about tmw?

 

Me: Ah ok nah that's cool, what about later tonight? I'll be in hospital tomorrow

 

Her: Are you not coming tmw??? Are you getting your surgery?!

 

Me: Yeah I am, so I prob can't meet you tomorrow, meet tonight instead?

 

Her: What time's the surgery tmw? Where r u now?

 

Me: It's in the morning and I'm in the lecture now. Lol nah it's cool if u can't hang tonight

 

Her: ok what time?

 

Me: 6?

[UnknownPerson]

You were doing so great with your NC! I really think you are nowhere ready to see your ex, you will be devastated to hear she moved on so quickly.

 

I recently had a phone conversation with my ex and it set me back a month, feeling worse then before the call. I know its hard but you have to realize its over, she does not feel the same for you as you for her.

[imbax]

So we met up for dinner. She told me she has almost moved on completely. I ended up giving her graduation gift to her. She loved it and was happy to see me. Then somehow the conversation kept going back into the past. She kept saying that she still stands by her decision to break up. I brought up why she broke up with me and told her if someone is love with the person they don't break up. Then she said that she did love me but had to break up because of our issues. And I said one day she will find a guy who she knows the true meaning of love and won't break up with you over some issues.

 

She raged and told me to get over it. And she got angry told me not to message her until I was over it. I apologised for saying that she didn't love me and she says me making her angry is just pushing her away from me. She then raged and I tried to stop her leaving but she was having none of it. I followed her all the way back to her car helped her in. I said bye to her and she ignored me and drove off without another thought. I am devastated but lesson learnt, NEVER break NC. Day 1 begins fresh again.

 

Someone help me please!? Why does this girl say she love me? Then she moved on quickly? She is not seeing anyone else. She said that she had to break up even though she loves me. Then doesn't have the same feelings for me. I am at my ends wits with this. I cry over her every single day. And she can just throw a tantrum and leave me after a few words I said. She said I ruined her day completely and thanks for nothing. I don't know what to do anymore. How can two people be together if they love each other. I love her so much, and she says she does too. What is wrong with me.

Edited June 1, 2015 by imbax

[Yummm]

Ahh Imbax i'm so sorry bro.. I had a bad feeling when I saw your last post...

 

I have no experience as a dumper nor know what she's feeling but I imagine she's still cares. Just because she doesn't want to be with you, doesn't mean she doesn't care about you (I believe this is the reason why my ex seemed to check up on my twice last week and awkwardly wave).

 

You had a long relationship, memories good and bad are there, and just because she's 'moved on' doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you.

 

I would imagine she agreed going for dinner so you guys could catch up - bringing back the past automatically brings back bad memories (as she was the one that left you!) hence why she felt uncomfortable and got all defensive.

 

Like I said I have no idea what she is really feeling but to me this makes sense.

 

Stay strong, don't overthink the situation, just remember that you're still not with her, still have your life and hobbies to take care of, and let this experience reassure you that you can't be bringing up the past with your ex. She's looking towards the future, with or without you in it, and you should do the same.

 

The positive I believe that you can get from this is that the fact that she accepted to meet you for dinner is nice, it means that perhaps once emotions on your end are settled, you could find a healthy relationship with her somehow, or not, it's up to you.

 

Goodluck bro!

[imbax]

She has said some extremely cruel and mean things to me. I just can't believe she raged and walked out then told me not to message her again until I am over it. That hurts the most because I feel like I am the one in pain and she doesn't care.

 

EDIT: I believe I went in with the intent of starting afresh with her and not bringing up the past. My mistakes started happening when she told me she had almost completely moved on. I got too emotional and started making irrational decisions based on emotions. I didn't stick to the game plan and the high at the beginning of the night turned quickly sour into a low and she ended up leaving me angry and telling me not to message her again.

 

I think I am quite devastated but that just proves that I was in no state to see her nor talk to her again. She has clearly clearly clearly made her mind up for good and it is not changing anytime soon as far as I can see. Perhaps the only good thing I got out of this was a bit of closure and a bit of answers as to what happened. I think this is another step for me to moving on as she has blatantly told me she has done so already. I lost a tad of my dignity tonight by begging her to stay when she threw a tantrum over what I said. Like I said, my emotions got the best of me. I should have just left on a high and been a bit sad rather than devastated.

 

I think overall, she just doesn't want to be with me. I guess now that I know that....I am going to try and forget about her and truly move on.

 

Any help and advice highly appreciated.

Edited June 1, 2015 by imbax