Rough days

[darkbloom]

I think I have been progressing very well in my coping all things considered. These last few days have been kind of sad and rough though and I am not sure what to do about it. I have been keeping busy with my friends and focusing on my job. I have not spent a lot of time at home wallowing or being idle enough to obsess over him. He has been in the back of my mind constantly since Monday though. It almost feels like how I did right after the breakup. Do things have to get worse before they can get better? Our official anniversary is April 22 and I am not looking forward to that day. I am coming here to talk about him since I do not want to backslide and bore my friends with more talk of him. They are probably sick to death of it and I have been really good about not bringing him up in conversation.

 

I am in no danger of breaking NC. I truly believe that it has to come from him from a very remorseful place. Not somewhere that I think he will ever get to. I think I am just looking for validation from him. That he did make a mistake and that I was good to him all along. Even though the only thing that matters is that I validate my decisions. Why can't my feelings follow the logic in my head? My heart is not having any of this logic business. It wants what it wants.

 

Any encouragement or advice would be helpful. We are approaching 4 months NC and 5 months post BU.

[jen1447]

In my experience, grieving is never a linear thing. There are peaks and valleys that don't play along on a steady timeline. So I don't think the fact that you're having a rough time now when it was better earlier is really unusual.

 

Don't really know what to tell you about your head and your heart except that I get it. I tend not to really advocate 'intellectual' grieving because of that - you can't talk yourself out of mourning something that the heart felt and lost.

 

Hugs.

[darkbloom]

In my experience, grieving is never a linear thing. There are peaks and valleys that don't play along on a steady timeline. So I don't think the fact that you're having a rough time now when it was better earlier is really unusual.

 

Don't really know what to tell you about your head and your heart except that I get it. I tend not to really advocate 'intellectual' grieving because of that - you can't talk yourself out of mourning something that the heart felt and lost.

 

Hugs.

 

Even when things were bad with him they were good. My heart still felt connected to him. That connection cannot be logically explained away. I feel his absence more clearly than anything I've ever felt before.

 

I have been able to let go of every other person in my life with no second thoughts except for him.

 

It's probably just a rough week.

[jen1447]

What was so great about him?

[fireflywy]

Darkbloom wrote:

 

 

Fast forward to October, he really steps it up. Acting super boyfriendy and doing things he NEVER did when we were officially together. It was strange and I got my hopes up. In December we got into a fight because I found out he lied about going out when he told me he was staying in. He ended it again. I went NC for a week until a mutual friend of ours told me that he had been sleeping with one of the girls he worked with. I broke NC and told him to meet me at my house. I confronted him about the girl and told him not to lie. He admitted it. I walked away and he followed me apologizing profusely. I told him what a terrible person he was and that he didn't have any real friends and that he's end up just like his father.

 

And:

 

"I started to think of all the good times we had and realized that even when we were having fun, I was always walking on eggshells. Waiting for him to break up with me. Waiting for him to lie to me again. Always wanting more from him than he was willing to give me. That is no way to live life. I'm not beating myself up anymore about being in this situation"

 

There is no validation to be found here an even if there were, it would only be a LIE.

[darkbloom]

Darkbloom wrote:

 

 

Fast forward to October, he really steps it up. Acting super boyfriendy and doing things he NEVER did when we were officially together. It was strange and I got my hopes up. In December we got into a fight because I found out he lied about going out when he told me he was staying in. He ended it again. I went NC for a week until a mutual friend of ours told me that he had been sleeping with one of the girls he worked with. I broke NC and told him to meet me at my house. I confronted him about the girl and told him not to lie. He admitted it. I walked away and he followed me apologizing profusely. I told him what a terrible person he was and that he didn't have any real friends and that he's end up just like his father.

 

And:

 

"I started to think of all the good times we had and realized that even when we were having fun, I was always walking on eggshells. Waiting for him to break up with me. Waiting for him to lie to me again. Always wanting more from him than he was willing to give me. That is no way to live life. I'm not beating myself up anymore about being in this situation"

 

There is no validation to be found here an even if there were, it would only be a LIE.

 

That is all true. He did lie to me. And I did feel like I was walking on eggshells. But I stuck around because of our connection. I literally ignored all of the red flags because of how I felt about him.

 

You're probably right. His validation would be a lie.

 

Maybe our entire relationship was a lie?

[darkbloom]

What was so great about him?

 

There was nothing that great about him. Except for our connection. That's the crazy part.

[fireflywy]

Any relationship is a lie at worst, or a murky illusion at best, if it based on one person having to sacrifice their TRUE selves to be in it. If you were walking on eggshells, regardless of the connection (everyone of us on here posting in the relationship section had a connection which, for whatever reason brought us together) then you were giving up your true self.

 

You weren't allowed to love the way you should have. You weren't allowed to feel safe the way should have. You weren't allowed to be accepted the way you should have. You weren't allowed to trust that other person should have been committed the way you should have.

 

All of these things, in order for you to receive them, came at the expense of you having to tone down something or being on guard. Your ex, in his actions, was lying at even accepting THESE sacrifices you put yourself through.

 

This is not say that what you had wasn't REAL. If I stick my hand in water and look at it from above, my hand is still there. It's still REAL. I'm still putting effort and desire into interacting with the water. However, my hand is distorted to some degree in that where I THINK my hand is, isn't quite the truth.

 

So your relationship wasn't a complete LIE. You still loved him. You still gave to him. He still responded to it, but because of who he was, it was distorted.

 

This absolutely SUCKS to think of I know. I wrestled with this too. Did I have my good moments? Yes. Did I give, love, interact with her and share sweet moments with her? Yes. During those times, did we have a connection? Yes.

 

Did it hurt to think that maybe all of that was a lie when I reached down into the relationship and couldn't find her heart the same way I may not be able find my hand where I think it should be? Yes.

 

I no longer worry with that question though. I'm angry at the fact that she made me FEEL and BELIEVE that there was nothing between where I stood and where I thought she was.

 

That is horrible to do to someone especially when you know they are reaching for you and you know you'll never allow them to find you.

 

Your ex, in his constant threats to leave and behaviors, made it impossible for you to find him.

 

And sheesh. I don't know if this made any sense. It's late. lol

Edited April 18, 2015 by fireflywy

[Jonp219]

There was nothing that great about him. Except for our connection. That's the crazy part.

 

Connection or attachment?

[ZiggyZoo]

I'll bet your anniversary coming up is responsible for some of this. When my mom died, I remember being an absolute wreck out of nowhere, and my therapist asked if her birthday was any time soon. Yep, it was two weeks away. Our subconscious will register "important" dates before our conscious will and get us all down.

[Fufu]

I think I have been progressing very well in my coping all things considered. These last few days have been kind of sad and rough though and I am not sure what to do about it. I have been keeping busy with my friends and focusing on my job. I have not spent a lot of time at home wallowing or being idle enough to obsess over him. He has been in the back of my mind constantly since Monday though. It almost feels like how I did right after the breakup. Do things have to get worse before they can get better? Our official anniversary is April 22 and I am not looking forward to that day. I am coming here to talk about him since I do not want to backslide and bore my friends with more talk of him. They are probably sick to death of it and I have been really good about not bringing him up in conversation.

 

I am in no danger of breaking NC. I truly believe that it has to come from him from a very remorseful place. Not somewhere that I think he will ever get to. I think I am just looking for validation from him. That he did make a mistake and that I was good to him all along. Even though the only thing that matters is that I validate my decisions. Why can't my feelings follow the logic in my head? My heart is not having any of this logic business. It wants what it wants.

 

Any encouragement or advice would be helpful. We are approaching 4 months NC and 5 months post BU.

 

 

I have been progressing very well in my coping all things considered.

 

This above, great reason not to cave in. 4 months NC is a wonderful achievement.

[dyna85]

I think it's a classic case of 'love isn't enough'.. yet I don't even get that expression because when you love someone to the core, unconditionally, you accept all of his/her flaws, even to your own detriment. By nature, we're flawed, as humans, and I think you recognize this and have a very large and forgiving/accepting heart. I know society says to take a stand against the disrespect and everything, and I was with society on this, until I met some guy who defied everything I thought I knew. So I get what you're going through and I know the answer is to stay the course--you know the answer is to stay the course; hence, your maintenance of NC. Deep down, your soul knows what is best for you, but your heart does feel/want what it feels/wants. I don't know if there is any sense in trying to control that, other than to remind yourself what you truly need and deserve, which for one thing is respect.

 

We are totally on the same NC timeline which is kind of weird, lol, and I must say that with an anniversary approaching, it's in no way abnormal to feel the wave of emotions crashing yet again. Four months NC is a weird point. It feels like you've come so far... but you're still somewhat standing still.

 

I wouldn't send his mother the card though, as you mentioned you intended to do on another post. I think that's not in your best interest.

[nugget_718]

That is all true. He did lie to me. And I did feel like I was walking on eggshells. But I stuck around because of our connection. I literally ignored all of the red flags because of how I felt about him.

 

You're probably right. His validation would be a lie.

 

Maybe our entire relationship was a lie?

 

 

It's hard when you do the right thing, put your 100% trust and faith into someonewho claims to love you beyond words then down the road find out that it mightas well a dream because the foundation is based on lies. I was like you in believing the "connection" that me and my ex-bf had. I don't doubt we did...to this day I still believe we had it & add to that the infallible chemistry. But connection is a feeling, much like loving someone. And feelings change overtime.

 

 

My ex-bf had put me through a wringer and if I had not found out about his double life (accidentally mind you) he may still have that hold on me. The day that I found out, I confronted him right away and he dropped everything, flew to me enduring 10 hrs of travel just to stay 10hrs to explain. I did tell him that if he's coming here to pile on more lies to cover the initial ones then do us both a favor and not waste both our time. He says no, that is not the purpose. This time he is coming clean...about everything. He will confess everything. To this day I still ask myself if it’s worth my while listening to him when I know in my heart that I can't be with him any longer. But being the person that sees the good in people I thought I'd give him his chance and listen to what he has to say even if I do not believe damn thing. But you know what, now that I am over the bitterness, I am glad that he came and set things straight albeit late.

[darkbloom]

Thank you all for your replies. Everyone on here is extremely insightful in their own right.

 

I think the anniversary has the most to do with it. I think I accepted the lies because they were part of him. As silly as that sounds, I knew that he had been through a lot of stuff so I made justifications for him. I am generally very open and loving and tend to forgive easily. For me, everyone makes mistakes and getting hurt by someone comes with the territory of loving them.

 

I am not going to break NC. My head cannot take that anymore. My heart disagrees. It's a constant battle between feelings and logic. I get so jumbled up in my own head sometimes that I don't know what's real and what's not anymore.

 

Everyone on here can at least agree with me the extreme difficulty in letting someone go that you had so much love and faith for. I had faith that things would get better. I know I shouldn't have to sacrifice myself or walk on eggshells for anyone but I'm good at it. And I think I will always be at least a little bit emotionally damaged. I'm only good at relationships that are fuxked up.

 

Thank you all for helping me sort my mixed up emotions.

[SLee]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Going through a recent break up myself, I understand your pain completely.

 

I think what you're going through is normal. With my ex, I never had a connection like that with any guy I even glanced at. But when we made eye contact the first time, it was like instant and incredible. I can't put it in words. Either way, my ex ended it. So that's that.

 

Emotions are so tricky and uncontrollable. I'm on my own roller coaster and it's miserable. Believe me, I understand. The good news is, that you're doing really wonderfully! You're at a fairly solid point and that's awesome. Good for you. I mean that genuinely.

 

If you feel the urge to talk about it, just continue posting online or talk to someone you know who won't get sick of you. My family is really great and never, ever get sick of me unlike some friends who do. Rotate your friends, if you have to. If you don't want that for your own sake, pour your feelings out on paper. I've done it and it helps me.

 

Think of all the bad things about the relationship/him that you didn't like during the relationship. I did it with mine. For example I hated how my ex always had to "Win" arguments, I didn't like how he didn't address serious issues when I brought them up to him multiple times, etc. It can be anything, even it's petty and dumb. It's for you, no one else has to see it.

 

You're right that only your own validation matters. You're doing well in that you're thinking the right way, just work on applying it all the more. Getting "closure" or validation almost never helps anyway, often just makes it worse, and won't help you heal in the long run. I wanted "closure" from my ex. It became a complete disaster.

 

You're doing really well. You should be really proud. Keep it up. You're gonna be okay.