Rizla_10 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 My boyfriend and I have fights over extremely stupid things but all the fights get blown out of proportion every single time. We both behave differently during arguments, I tend to become quiet, break-down, cry and get very emotional. Whereas, he HATES when I get quiet, becomes very rude, and makes very nasty/sarcastic comments. He seems like a completely different person when he’s angry, and I just don’t handle that well. What is excusable when someone is ‘angry’? I mean I hear all this, “he said it in the heat of the moment, he didn’t mean it…” but doesn’t your real character show when you’re angry? Where do you draw the line between what is OKAY to say when you’re mad, and what completely abusive? I have become such a sensitive and emotional person over-time that now I don’t even know whether what he’s saying to me is acceptable or not.
Gaeta Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Any type of name calling, belittling, humiliating or threatening is totally unacceptable under any circumstances. 4
preraph Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 If this is happening regularly, please get out of the relationship. Your reaction to him being verbally abusive isn't unreasonable at all. And his reaction to your reaction is to up the abusive language. He's not good, he's not healthy, he's not fixable. Find a nicer guy!
Redhead14 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 My boyfriend and I have fights over extremely stupid things but all the fights get blown out of proportion every single time. We both behave differently during arguments, I tend to become quiet, break-down, cry and get very emotional. Whereas, he HATES when I get quiet, becomes very rude, and makes very nasty/sarcastic comments. He seems like a completely different person when he’s angry, and I just don’t handle that well. What is excusable when someone is ‘angry’? I mean I hear all this, “he said it in the heat of the moment, he didn’t mean it…” but doesn’t your real character show when you’re angry? Where do you draw the line between what is OKAY to say when you’re mad, and what completely abusive? I have become such a sensitive and emotional person over-time that now I don’t even know whether what he’s saying to me is acceptable or not. You both are using poor conflict resolution skills. Becoming quiet and emotional and using nasty/sarcastic remarks are passive-aggressive behaviors. Things said in anger sometimes are just about being angry and overreacting. If there is name calling or degradation, that crosses into abusive. Abuse is not acceptable. Given the fact that you say you've become more and more sensitive and emotional over time, may indicate that he is truly being abusive. If he is being abusive, you need to put a little space between you for a while and come back together to discuss your "arguing" styles with calm, clear heads. This is an unhealthy relationship and I would consider moving on if you two can't come to terms. Make it clear that you will not accept abusiveness.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Any type of name calling, belittling, humiliating or threatening is totally unacceptable under any circumstances. Anger is natural emotion, and a complicated one at that, Research shows that anger induces chemical changes inside your brain in fact, Cortisol (anti-stress hormone) is released, which through long time use, Is detrimental to both metal and physical health when often induced. It literally will change the chemical balance in your brain, But keep in mind, this is through long periods (years) of untreated strain, Controlling yourself through bouts of anger is a hell of a skill, One that LOTS of people have been unable to learn through sheer power of will. I speak from experience, I myself have trouble controlling my rage, Although I am getting better, and partly because of my age, For quick tempered people, especially if they have a angry past, It's best to leave them alone during fits, as they often won't last. It's important to remember to keep your own boundaries and respect, For saying things in a temper is often one that angry people will regret, If he has no will or capability to control his behavior when he's mad, Then it may be best to protect yourself and get out before it gets bad.
Dork Vader Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 I really agree with Gaeta. I grew up in a home in which dispute turned into a shouting match. Slamming doors pushing/throwing things was normal and even slamming hands on counters or walls happened. No one was ever hit but we got about as close to that as possible. This lead me too believe as a kid that this kind of behavior was normal and it is not. I've had to learn the hard way how to deal with my emotions in ways that do not involve anger. I do not do any of the above anymore and I will never ever name call, belittle or other wise do anything too emotionally provoke or harm someone. I simply refuse to stoop to that kind of low. The best way to deal with anger and other emotions is take a walk, go for a drive or other wise find a way too cool off. From there you have a civil discussion about what ever the problem is. If the person starts to stoop too name calling or other inappropriate behavior I simply say I will not play these games, when you are ready to talk to me like an adult we can. Then just walk away. Talking is the healthy way to resolve disputes in relationships. There are plenty of non confrontational ways to discuss problems or disagreements. But that is another topic. 1
melissacus Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 One of the signs of being in an emotionally abusive relationship is when you start to not trust your own perception anymore of what's right and wrong behavior. If you thought his behavior was acceptable and normal, you wouldn't be on this site asking if it was. The way he's treating you clearly doesn't sit well with you and doesn't make you feel good. I know it's hard because I've been there, but leave while you still have the self-worth to pull away. When I first moved to Northern California I had made the decision to be single for awhile and focus on myself after breaking up with my boyfriend of 7 years. Who, by the way, treated me like a queen. Maybe even spoiled me. Anyway, of course within the first month of moving here, I met a guy, he asked me out. And we ended up dating for the next 11 months...the most emotionally painful, difficult and lesson learning relationship I had ever found myself in. Long story short, he was very emotionally and verbally abusive and by the end of the relationship, I did not trust my judgement, lost track of my boundaries, and started to question if there was something seriously wrong with me, wondering if I was crazy. This was his favorite thing to insult me with; I was crazy, needed to get help, and I would be lucky to find anybody who could deal with me. Step away and seriously evaluate if this behavior is truly how you define love. Good luck, sweetheart. 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 I was crazy, needed to get help, and I would be lucky to find anybody who could deal with me. What I find funny, is those exact words were spoken to me, by a woman who I thought was very healthy emotionally, The only difference in your situation, beside the genders reversed, Is that hindsight is 20/20, and you know now it was perverse. But take in this situation: I was seeing a girl, Who asked ME out, and pressured for a relationship twirl, Finally I gave in and gave her the relationship she asked for, Only to find out that she was acting a fool and still being a whore. After I broke up with her and moved on from her life, She tried to get back with me and finally told the truth in light, She expected monogamy from me, so she asked for a relationship in turn, But told all her friends we're only dating, made me out to be the fool I learned. Would you consider that emotional abuse, deception, or something else? I would like to know you're insight, not sarcastically, please do tell, As it ties into this thread about what is acceptable or not, I truly would like to know your own take on this and thought. She was never derogatory, and she got very quiet when mad, Much like the OP when she remarked she shuts down as if sad, I'd like to know your judgement on abuse if it's not outward verbally, And if it's still considered abuse if instead, you hold it in internally.
Gary S Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Some happy couples have only a handful of arguments per year... they have good attitudes, they calmly discus things, they know that relationships are give and take. Date someone with a better attitude than yours and you'll have a lot less problems. 1
Vintage79 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Verbally abusing isn't good, but shutting down and effectively not working through the problem is not an effective tactic either. You likely get a bit more of a pass, because it's not aggressive and mean, but both of you earn a fail in terms of conflict resolution. If you really like the guy, go seek some help from a conflict resolution therapist, or at least discuss how it should be handled for the next time it surfaces. If he's continuously abusive and feeds off your your passiveness, it's probably best to move on and find someone else.
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