cilla Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 so my spouse and I have been together for 9 years and married for over a year. we have two daughters together 7 years old and 9 month old. Before we got married we had broken up a couple of times the longest time was 2 months. also before we got married I had asked him had he slept with anybody else in the whole 8 years we have been together even when we were broken up the answer was always no. I am a true investigator (not professional) but I had went through his phone his emails his computer and his social networks and I had never found anything to discredit him. I don't trust anybody and all that is stemming from my bad childhood. A couple of months after we had got married he had received a letter in the mail for paternity/child support for a 4 year old boy. you can imagine my astonishment I thought he was joking. well it turns out during the two months we had broken up he had came across his ex. they had hung out a couple times and slept with each other "twice" but all that came to an end when he found out she was sleeping with two other men. this ex was his first love and they lost their virginity to each other in high school and hes 32yrs now so that was history. well not necessarily. well come to find out while me and my husband were together she had called our home to tell him that she was pregnant but he told her that he didn't think it was his because she was sleeping with other men at the same time. and they hadn't spoke after that. one day we had seen her in the mall and had introduced us and told me that she was my old friend from high school and I had met her son to.CRAZY! he had ample amount of time and opportunity to come clean and tell me the truth. if I had known he had been with somebody else we would never have gotten back together or gotten married. so it's been over a year now since he found out he had a son and from the advice of friends and family I had decided to stick around and try to make things work they all told me it's not like he cheated on you and time will heal all things. but it has not for me. everyday I feel like I'm in turmoil. everytime I see the little boy my stomach turns to knot like I'm going to vomit everytime he calls my husband daddy its like a stab in my heart. and I am a very sensible person I know he has at no fault at all and he is innocent in this whole situation but it still doesn't stop the pain he inflicts on me just from the mere sight of him. the ex girlfriend keeps trying to say slick things to my husband likes when he asked what they're doing for the day so he could see his son so say oh he's at his grandparents house but I'm not doing anything today and I'm really bored. WTF are you serious? he doesn't entertain her but he doesn't tell her to stop he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around her. I really want to call her myself and let her know the business, but I have been advised that was not a good idea. my husband and I argue a lot more we are a lot more distant but he started that I didn't but now I'm at the point where I don't even want to be in the same room with him most of the time I know nobody can predict the future but I don't want to waste my time and I just need some outside advice. he thinks we don't need counseling but I NEED something anything. thanks for any input you can give
badpenny Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 If he won't attend counselling, and can't see how this has affected you, then he's an insensitive jerk. Sorry, but he is... This...? if I had known he had been with somebody else we would never have gotten back together or gotten married. Well now you do know, it's just as bad...File for divorce and get child support. That will teach him to put his pecker where he shouldn't put it, without an overcoat... You cant fix, mend, or even patch this all up and together, on your own... ...from the advice of friends and family I had decided to stick around and try to make things work they all told me it's not like he cheated on you and time will heal all things. People tell you this because they want you to stick to convention, 'stay together for the sake of the kids' (big joke!!), and because they don't want you 'rocking the boat'. So in their eyes, if you split up with him, they'll know who to blame - and it won't be him. (I'd rather not comment on that angle of the matter, because I value my membership and would prefer to not get banned for the use of profanities... ) Dumb advice, because in spite of doing it, clearly, it was futile. As I said, I think that as you are the one who is expected to 'suck this up', get over it, adapt to the situation and deal with it - with no support, assistance or compassion from him or anyone else for that matter - you should definitely give him something else to think about. One word of advice though: When it comes to visitation rights (oh yes, think ahead!!) don't prevent your children form engaging and befriending their half-brother. It's not their fault, or his, this has happened. Focus your intentions on where it should be, think with your head - NOT YOUR HEART - and do what is right, legally, rationally and practically - for you. Consult a lawyer, and file. I'm serious.
Author cilla Posted April 18, 2015 Author Posted April 18, 2015 I really just needed to know im not wrong in my feelings. your exactly right about people expecting me to just get over it and my oldest has a great relationship with her half brother. I guess I will look further into divorce especially knowing I cant fix something that nobody else thinks is even broken. well I should say him.thank you so much for taking the time out to reply
Mrin Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 (edited) I am not going to tell you your feelings about this aren't real. And that you don't have justification for feeling them. But I'll disagree with the prior poster - I don't think automatically declaring this dead is the way to go. A few things: 1. You are 9 months pastpartum. Have you considered that this might be contributing to the turmoil? Postpartum depression can make anything insurmountable. I've had a lot of experience with this through my ex, sister and a couple of friends. 2. What happened: Your husband and father of your kids slept with his ex when the two of you had broken up. He impregnated his ex. He then lied to you about it. 3. That's what happened. The rest of this is all your story. I'm not saying your story is wrong or invalid. It is just the meaning you give it. You can decide to stick with that meaning the turmoil it leads to - or make a different story. 4. You should seek counseling. The two of you and by yourself. You're not broken or anything - you just need a trained, objective party to help you sort through this. And your husband needs to be a part of it. I know he says he doesn't want to go to counseling. This is what I would say to him. I would sit him down and say "honey, I am stuck. Stuck because of your ex, the son you made with her and the betrayal of trust that I feel. I am not getting unstuck. In fact, I know this with such certainty because I am at the end of my rope. Honestly - I'd rather just end our marriage than continue this way. I think what we have is worth fighting for. Do you feel the same? Yes? Ok then let's fight for it. Let's go see an expert who can help us get unstuck." But make it real clear where you are in this thing. It is either we go work this out or we end it. Go see a counselor first though. You need to get some firm ground under your feelt. Edited April 18, 2015 by Mrin
Recommended Posts