loverboy1984 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Hey everyone. I would greatly appreciate everyone's input and advice here. I had been seeing my girlfriend for a year an 4 months. I am 29 she is 23 and she just moved out of her family's house to NYC in January and Since then we have been long distance, 3 hour drive. Im a doctor and she is a nurse. I was reluctant to be in a long distance relationship but I knew she was going for her dream job and wanted to work in NYC so I helped her, supported her and made it work. We had a lot of arguments about stupid stuff over the past months. At first communication with her was a problem then each others pasts then misunderstandings here and there. Once she moved to NYC I visited her every weekend I could given my busy schedule, yet she never visited me but offered once. I was starting to get sensitive and upset thinking I was more invested in the relationship and being taken for granted yet she denied it. We had a couple instances that I tried to break up with her although deep down I didnt mean it. Looking back it was stupid but just wanted to see if she was going to stand to lose me given her actions or not. Often times at work my mind was clouded with things we argued about and I would come home only to talk about it again. Anyways I arranged to work at a hospital near her for a month last month so we could spend more time together. It was ok for the most part with a few small arguements here and there. Then one night when we were out and she was drunk, she texted a guy she dated before me, infront of me and deleted it. I confronted her but she denied it. She deleted it again when the guy texted back and the next morning had blacked out and didnt remember. This was the 3rd time shes blacked out and the last time before this was 3 week prior during our anniversary weekend when she had decided to go out with her friends, and I ended driving home with no goodbye cuz she was out. She promised then not to drink that way again and yet she did. So I started to become anxious given that I had a 6yr relationship prior to her where my ex moved and we were long distance and she cheated on me when she was drunk so I didnt want that to happen again. Our arguements got worse now since there was trust issue then at the end of our month together she went to Ireland with her friends and I was really nervous and had some harsh texting with her regarding drinking and reciprocating which I felt she never did in the relationship. This upset her during her trip and she said we needed to talk when she came back. When she came back I had cleaned her place, put flowers up and a sweet notes thanking her for the month we had together and telling her I always want to make it work despite our ups and downs. She saw all that and was moved but FaceTimed me and broke up with me saying that we are not right for each other, we argue alot and this isnt going to work. I was crushed. I tried to reason with her but it didnt work. I decided to then drive 3 hours to see her. I arrived at 11pm with flowers. She was shocked but didnt seem happy to see me as her face was blank. I had just got off work and driven there, pulled over on the way yet she appeared checked out and later admited to it. We talked and I said sorry for arguing and promised that I would work with her more even though most of our arguments were my reaction to things she did. She wouldnt change her mind. She wanted me to snuggle with her for a few hours while she slept so I did the woke up at 3 am and drove 3 hours to work. I have now gone no contact with her. She claims she still loves me but I dont believe it based on what I saw. Im doing better now but cant help feel guilty for arguing all those times and especially when she was on her trip but given the change in dynamics in our relationship with her moving, the trust issues and such I reacted the way I did. I was really good to this girl and felt she never reciprocated and I never felt appreciated yet she said thats the way she is. My question is first do you think she will regret this or try to come back? not that I want her back after this but just curious. and can someone really say they love you if they say they are checked out after I asked the previous day and they say they werent and after showing so much commitment. Thank you
ZiggyZoo Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 I think that your instincts that you were more invested in the relationship than she was were right on the money. She's got some pretty serious alcohol problems too, if she'd blacked out twice in three weeks. And she texted an ex n front of you, deleted it, then denied it? Yeah, this is all adding up to a big ol' mess. Will she come back? Maybe, maybe not. She sounds like she's happy doing whatever she wants, so she may really like being single. Then again, she could try to keep you hanging as a plan B if she finds it useful to have you around for a FWB or emotional support. And yep, someone sure can say "I love you" after they've checked out. My ex-husband did every day for months after he started his affair. He told me later that it made him feel like he wasn't being fair to HER when he would tell me that. What a guy. But it can happen.
mightycpa Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Your first clue was when she moved to NYC without a solid plan for you to follow. Your second clue was the quarreling that ensued. Your third clue was the blatant "exting" Your fourth clue was the escalation in hostilities. Your fifth clue was when you were moved to clean her place for her - that was a move no doubt inspired by insecurity. Your sixth clue was when she Facetimed you to break up, rather than waiting a little and driving to see you to do it. Your seventh clue was driving over there in response, another move fueled by insecurity. Your eighth clue was her adamancy. Your ninth clue was when she took pity on you, and gave you the "comfort" of holding her while she slept. Nine clues, and you're still wondering whether she's going to come back? It's doubtful, doctor. As to her regret, who cares? As to her emotions, who cares? I know it is easier said than done, but some things are simply unknowable, some are unimportant, and you have to accept that things about her fall into both of those categories. To answer your question, this sounds like one of those "I love you but I'm not in love with you" deals. In other words, you're done. You're a doctor. She's a 23 year-old nurse. No doubt that a doctor can find a way to date some pretty nice females that will put a 23 year-old nurse to shame. I'd start by doing as much of that as you can, and you'll be amazed by how much the distraction helps you.
azaleigha Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Sorry you've been put in this position. Sometimes it's necessary to back away from a situation either temporarily or entirely, even though it can be really painful. Has she shown you in any way that she regrets breaking up? Do you have friends or family who know you both that you might be able to turn to for some advice about this? I hope that you're able to figure out the best solution for both you and her.
Chi townD Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Dude, she has a problem with alcohol and she has cheated on you in the past. It's obvious that she is not invested into a relationship with you as you are with her. Dude, you're young. Time to let her go and find someone that is going to respect the time that you two share together. You know as well as I do, you can't help her with her problems. But, that's her cross to bare, not yours. Maybe one day, she'll wake up to what she's lost; but, hopefully by then, you'll have moved on.
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