Moley87 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Hiya to all the community, first post and appreciate people's general advice good or bad. Background before split Together we the ex for approx. 14 months and moved in within a month of being together, generally the relationship was good and did most things together. Whilst we both had our flaws (she was lazy ) I was rather argumentative we both did talk about our issues and worked to at them move forward in our relationship. In November after being together 8 months the partner bought a house and we moved in together and all seemed ok. When we first met she did mention that she has a plan to go Australia to try and find a job to live out there and at the time I agreed her dream was important and agreed if it happened I wouldn't cause an issue with it. However we are now 14 months down and the conversation has just happened, she dropped the news in March that she got her visa to go Australia for 6 months in an attempt to find a sponsorship job that will keep her there for 4 years. I asked her what was more important me or Oz or Oz and me together and she said Oz (on her own) her reason was she went to Oz in 2007 and did a LDR but didn't work out and didn't want the situation to occur again and was her dream to go alone. as a result it became apparent that the knowing she was leaving met she couldn't stay in the relationship and it subsequently ended very quickly. We initially tried to be civil but soon after the break up she has constantly been vague and saying the break up is extremely difficult for her and wants her space to come to terms it over and try and move on. As a result I got a little annoyed and said I cannot be friends and did the stupid block her thingy bob, soon after realised that was silly unblocked her and told her that was wrong but wanted to be civil but friendship was unlikely. As a result she blocked me on facebook and said she couldn't see reminders of me if there was no friendship. however we did over the last fews have a phone call where we did argue but at the end agree a friendship would be nice. as a result she literally a week ago unblocked me and posted on a mutual friends post right after I did. However when I saw the message I thought of the fact she is going oz and that there is always the chance she will emigrate and not be part of my life especially when she leaves 7 months down the line. As a result I txt her to say I love her but enough was enough and I was exhausted with the situation and said wish her the best and cut all ties (inc Facebook) Now I feel bad as I deep down know I must move on but I will find it harder then she will as she has a dream to look forward too, on the other side she may return next summer and this could just be bad timing So confused one minute I just want to burn bridges and say she is gone and then next I want to keep bridges in case she returns and that we may pick up a relationship or even a get back together. Generally I cope well but she did have something I knew I loved about her but feel torn as I want the best for her but that means not the best for me and she wont compromise with her decision. She has admitted she does love me (however her best friend says different) but doesn't want to keep going round in circles and wants to move past the decision. I know the answer is accept and move on and time will tell but no contact now best for me? or would people accept it and accept the friendship but be reminded of her constantly Obv when she goes to Oz I'm sure she will not think much of anything back home so I feel like I have been forced to make this decision when really I agreed right at the beginning to allow her to do this Any advice on now to get past the decision and her and find some way forward for me? Sry for the long message - mind going at 100 miles an hour with thoughts
Chi townD Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Okay, here's the deal. She's already gone even if she still in the same country as you. Her heart and thoughts are 100% dedicated to her move to Australia. You are a loose end that keeps coming untied. She doesn't want to be with you. She puts a higher value on her move rather than being with you. So, it's time for you to move on. So, if she wants to go, then let her go. You have to disconnect NOW, because when it gets closer to the day that she leaves, it is going to be extremely painful and the reality that she might never come back is going to crush you even if you're "just friends". I mean, her plan is to be there a minimum of 5 years. She's already made that decision. So, you need to cut tie and start healing from this now.
Author Moley87 Posted April 27, 2015 Author Posted April 27, 2015 Firstly thank you for the reply and true words indeed. Update Has now been approx 11 days straight of no contact and still finding hard to comes to terms with the situation. The weekend was tough as she called my best friend over to fix a shower unit and would of normally been something I would of done, He advised she seemed happy enough and was looking to going to the circus with friends next week. Whilst this is fine as a mutual friend and this was the guy who introduced us I know I must accept she will still be in contact with my close mates (we lived 5 doors away from each other) Whilst I have initiated NC I feel like it's me becoming the enemy here when really the situation is her. I don't want to lose her as a friend deep down but I agree with the fact I must find a way to move on but doing NC may back fire and if she does end up in OZ I may regret that decision. On the flip side I feel if I keep NC and that does happen then im protecting my feelings even though it pains me to say I miss her. I'm a logical guy and understand she has made this decision for what is best for her and I would do the same but I've never experienced this type of situation and totally unsure how to best deal here. I have it in my head NC for 6 months but that would be close to when she leaves for OZ and I don't want to distract her that close to her leaving , If she came back generally do you think she would accept that NC was best or would she been less attached with the disappointment of coming back? how long would people do NC in this situation ?
elaine567 Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 She has made the decision to go alone. This is a huge life decision and I am sure thought about very carefully. She has been honest with you and decided splitting is the best option. I have no doubt she will be hurting, she will miss you, but her decision is made and it stands. You are hanging around and if you continue to do so , she will begin to resent you, as you are attempting to pull her back to something she knows she doesn't want. The only hope for you and any chance of getting her back however slim, is to go NC here, with no time limit. NC with a time limit means you don't move on, you just bide the time until you speak to her again.
Author Moley87 Posted April 27, 2015 Author Posted April 27, 2015 Thank you for the quick response Elaine. I agree with you completely , I respect her decision and yes she has been totally honest with me and for that I guess shows a lot towards me. Not sure if she is hurting however, as I know this is her dream and she will be excited about the prospect of going back to oz. It's something she has planned for years so I know it wasn't me it was always going to be Oz no matter what, just gutted by it happening now. I don't want her thinking NC is me not caring it's just I can't face the loss of her but I also know down the line I do want to see how she is? It's unknown if she will come back but whilst that's down to fate I do hope whatever happens we do connect again. So best to just love and forget for now and see what happens? 1
Author Moley87 Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Typical today after just accepting the no contact was best I saw her today in the lobby of where we work. she looked initially awkward and didn't make much eye contact, however as I walked past her put my arm her and said smile as I walked past she looked up and gave a big smile which looked like relive? After an hour I emailed her and just said it was awkward but enough is enough and that it was nice to see her and glad she was ok , I said I wanted to put this issue of awkwardness behind us and didn't want the silent treatment anymore we emailed back of forth and she agreed was nice to see me, whilst I know that's not I want you back as it doesn't change the scenario at the end of the year , but maybe a step in the right direction for a connection to remain? Whilst it goes against no contact I felt glad it happened but feel it should be LC now not NC? Elaine your view would be awesome
Author Moley87 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Posted April 30, 2015 (edited) further to my last post I would love some opinions on this if possible from people. Whilst we went 2 weeks no contact and that I emailed the ex and got a positive response (bumping into her in work) which lead to a chain of emails in work however I did end the convo on a positive note by saying nice to see you which she said the same. Now I would love to know shall I wait to see if she makes the next contact with me or do I leave it a few weeks again and catch up with her again ? I know there is no relationship now but I would like a amicable connection with her but I feel if she doesn't now make the next step to that I should maybe go back to NC? Views be awesome. Edited April 30, 2015 by Moley87
Chi townD Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 further to my last post I would love some opinions on this if possible from people. Whilst we went 2 weeks no contact and that I emailed the ex and got a positive response (bumping into her in work) which lead to a chain of emails in work however I did end the convo on a positive note by saying nice to see you which she said the same. Now I would love to know shall I wait to see if she makes the next contact with me or do I leave it a few weeks again and catch up with her again ? I know there is no relationship now but I would like a amicable connection with her but I feel if she doesn't now make the next step to that I should maybe go back to NC? Views be awesome. You're going to do what you want to do. But, from and outsider's perspective, you CANNOT have a relationship with her of any kind while you still harbor romantic feelings towards her. You're just setting yourself up for a lot of heart ache.
badpenny Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 further to my last post I would love some opinions on this if possible from people. Whilst we went 2 weeks no contact and that I emailed the ex and got a positive response (bumping into her in work) which lead to a chain of emails in work however I did end the convo on a positive note by saying nice to see you which she said the same. Now I would love to know shall I wait to see if she makes the next contact with me or do I leave it a few weeks again and catch up with her again ? I know there is no relationship now but I would like a amicable connection with her but I feel if she doesn't now make the next step to that I should maybe go back to NC? Views be awesome. And this is the problem when you try to heal a broken heart by sticking it together with plasters called 'hope'. I mean this in the kindest way I can, but you simply don't realise how desperate and clingy your posts sound. Let me put it this way: if you 'happen' to run into her, that's one thing. Play it cool and keep that contact to an absolute minimum. Don't probe, make awkward conversation, or discuss anything even hinting at your relationship in the past. It's over. When you don't see her, maintain NC, and get it through your mind that this is going nowhere, and that 'friendship' is still a far-off pipe-dream, floating through la-la land.... You can never - repeat, NEVER - be a genuine 'friend' to her, until such a time as you see her in the arms of another man, holding him affectionately, kissing him as they cuddle their baby - and you think, "AW, that's cute, I'm happy for her. Oh yeah, need some tomatoes....' In other words, Friendship is in close alliance with benevolent indifference. Reach that point, and it's all plain sailing. BEFORE that point - limit everything to as close to NC as you ever can.
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