DeepBlueSea Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Hi, I have some questions and I hope someone can help me. I recently had a discussion with someone concerning break ups. In my opinion a decent breakup includes a respectful closure which consists of honesty, giving explanations voluntarily and no games. The guy I have been arguing with insists that this is not necessary, that everybody should come to terms with the break up on his own. No need to contact an ex and ask for explanations, because you alone are responsible for finding inner peace. While I think this is true for an ex who was a complete jerk or bitch I find it harder to understand when neither of the involved was truly evil. Of course, dumping someone without a word is not a crime, but I say, if you don't want to talk with me, then get lost and don't talk with me again for the rest of your life, because that's what you deserve. It´s simply hypocritical to talk about breaking up amicably without giving a damn for the dumpee´s feelings and that's what the denial of explanations constitutes to me. I'm not really an expert concerning break ups, so enlighten me please. What kind of break up were the least hurtful? What break ups hurt you the most? What does a decent break up include? Does a dumper ethically have any responsibility towards a dumpee? Thanks.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 What kind of break up were the least hurtful? What break ups hurt you the most? What does a decent break up include? Does a dumper ethically have any responsibility towards a dumpee? 1. the totally mutual kind - where both partners were equally ready to leave the relationship. It isn't without sadness, though - and nostalgia, but at least it is an acceptance of the end and a willingness to move on. 2. the totally non-mutual kind - where one partner doesn't want to let go and can't understand why it has to end. I've been on both sides: dumpee and dumper in this situation: and both positions are painful. I found being the 'dumper' to be the most painful though. Having a broken heart is bad. I find that causing one is far worse. 3. truth, no offers of bogus 'friendship', acceptance of the end, and a willingness to allow the breakup to happen 4. only an obligation to be truthful, no matter how much that truth hurts - the dumper is obligated IMO to discourage 'friendship' as a dumpee will never truly agree to an emotional downgrade. They might agree to being 'friends' but it primarily is only unrequited love posing as 'friendship'. Utterly unfair to both parties.
DeepBlueSea Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Thanks, LucreziaBorgia! Let me include some more questions. Do you think that explanations will help the dumpee to move on (if they are truthful and honest)? Do you believe that when a dumper is interested in remaining on good terms with you that he should give you explanations? Is it ok to think he's not really of the caring kind when he tells me to find my own inner peace without waiting for him to explain anything? Do I have the right then to dump him completely with no regret or do I have to carry the burden of guilt for pushing too hard for answers, because people don't have to answer anything and are still nice people?
Gottabestrong Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Hi, it is funny I should read this thread today, because I was just thinking about this. When reading stories on Loveshack I often tell myself that I was actually lucky concerning my last breakup, which took place 7 months ago and still hurts a lot. Why do I think I am lucky? Well, he did not cheat. He did not leave me for somebody else. It did not totally come out of the blue, because for about 6 months prior he kept talking about his concerns, and that he thinks we should go our seperate ways. He told me to my face what his reasons were. He wrote me a email detailing his reasons one more time, on my request. He did not totally disappear out of my life, but kept in contact with me. This helped me get over it. Well, he also did a few things that hurt, like change his mind and ask for a second chance, only to change his mind a week later. Or suddenly contacting me a lot, calling me pet names, signing with love,... and then totally disappearing for 6 weeks without a reason. So what I think a 'perfect breakup' entails? Honesty, explanations, decent language, telling and showing the other person that you still care about them as a human being, even if you dont want to be their partner anymore. Not giving false hopes. That means no petnames, no signing with love, no 3 calls a day. Staying in touch for the first week or so and talking about it as often as the dumpee needs, but then slowly drifting away. Giving the dumpee time to heal and not insisting on a friendship. I agree with Lucrezia though, causing a broken heart is worse than getting one. So I think that the dumper should really adhere to some decent rules when breaking up, because he/she can cause a lot of extra pain depending on the way they go.
Merin Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Breaking up sucks regardless of circumstance.. it's painful. With that said.. I must also say this.. IF the 2 people involved in the relationship were able to communicate and be respectful with genuine concern and care for everyones feelings there probably wouldn't be a break up to begin with... When I Divorced My Husband we sat in mediation... he knew why I was divorcing him I had given him the reason(s) and it was clear.. I tried to talk with him and do all the "right things" in an attempt to make things easier for everyone... BUT My EXH wanted to be a jackass and argue every little thing... all I said to both our attorneys and the mediator was this "I guess if he and I (My exh) were able to communicate and get along so great we wouldn't be here now" So I guess what I'm saying is there isn't such thing IMO as the perfect ending... and sometimes you never get the clousure you're looking for... IME when ending a relationship and all the answers are on the table it doesn't seem to matter because there will usually be one party involved that wants to argue why the other persons reason(s) are all wrong...
notmakingsense Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 I'm sort of dealing with this now. I wrote a few e-mails explaining my frustration with the relationship I'm in, and in return -- I'm getting no response at all, and I even think she has blocked me on IM. This is hugely frustrating, because we never-ever fought. We both knew what the issues were, but never had "the talk" to get it all out on the table. Instead, she's choosing to go NC as a way to communicate with me that it is over. Personally, I'm finding this harder to deal with than if someone had just dumped me and told me to my face about why they felt it wasn't workable. It makes things more "real" -- and takes away that hope that maybe, just maybe, she isn't responding because she hasn't decided yet. Right now, I'm looking for help on how to cope when your "dumper" is neither telling you that you have been dumped, or talking to you at all.
Merin Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Right now, I'm looking for help on how to cope when your "dumper" is neither telling you that you have been dumped, or talking to you at all. IME IF a person is no longer speaking to you, seeing you, returning your phone calls and avoiding you like mad.. unless they are UNABLE to respond (meaning they are in a coma, in the hospital, under house arrest or jail with no phone privledges) then it's more than safe to assume they do not want to continue a relationship but they are to afraid to tell you it's over... Could be fear of hurting you... Could be they're just an assclown and don't care how it makes you feel.. Could be they have reasons to want to end the relationship but they know the other party will want to talk about it (in an effort to change thier mind) So many things... BUT If you think about it.. when you're really crazy about someone you find a way to let them know... Hang in there.. hope it gets better soon
notmakingsense Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Thanks Merin -- I'm betting that it is either (a) she doesn't want to hurt me, or © she know's I'll try to argue for us working at it. It might be (b) the "assclown" reason -- but she's always come across as someone who is caring. I hope this does get better. The problem with not getting closure, is that your mind keeps asking itself "why" over-and-over-and-over.
Merin Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Thanks Merin -- I'm betting that it is either (a) she doesn't want to hurt me, or © she know's I'll try to argue for us working at it. It might be (b) the "assclown" reason -- but she's always come across as someone who is caring. I hope this does get better. The problem with not getting closure, is that your mind keeps asking itself "why" over-and-over-and-over. You're Welcome.. and although it probably doesn't help a lot right now.. I've found time brings clarity...
flsgirl Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 I seem to have an awful time with breakups. The three times I've been dumped has been hurtful. 1. My ex of three years lied to me about why we were breaking up and gave me a whole bunch of contradicting reasons and that took me a year to get over because I needed to figure out what I did. 2. The second guy just stopped talking to me. I got the hint about a week later once I saw him sucking face with another girl 3. The third guy was the most recent. Our breakup was somewhat mutual (but mostly him). I was hurt when he told me how amazing I was and how I inspire him and how he doesn't want to lose me and then hasn't spoken to me in two months. I'm more upset that I believed him than I am about actually breaking up. I really liked him but I knew we weren't going to get married. We got a long great and then when I finally brought up the "big relationship talk" to figure out what the hell I was to him, he gave me a whole bunch of crap reasons. I'm still trying to get over this. The whole point is to keep it honest and don't say things that you think people want to hear. Please don't tell them that you'll be friends if you have no intentions of not maintaining contact. It just makes them have false hope and that's mean and disrespectful.
notmakingsense Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 flsgirl -- those are awful experiences. In any of the cases, did you try to get the real reasons out of him or call his bluff when he gave you crap reasons? Right now, I feel like such a desperate low-life. I'm still trying, trying, trying to get her to answer my calls/e-mails. In my messages, I'm trying to sound light-hearted -- in order to let her know that I'm not going to create a huge drama -- but I'd really like to have the "talk". I really don't want to go a year (it will probably take me that long) to get over this.
flsgirl Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 flsgirl -- those are awful experiences. In any of the cases, did you try to get the real reasons out of him or call his bluff when he gave you crap reasons? Well, no because I haven't talked to him at all. At the time when he broke up with me I went numb and it wasn't really registering what he was saying. He made it sound so good. It wasn't until a few days later that I actually realized what he said. In the past two months, I dropped a couple things off at his house when he wasn't home and left a funny note. No response. Then I e-mailed him to say hi and that I hoped we could be friends. Once again no response. So I'm done with it. I'm not contacting him again. That would seem a bit desperate if I did. I have way too much pride to do that. I'm still pretty hurt by it.
notmakingsense Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 That makes sense -- and I'm actually embarassed about how much I tried to get back in contact with my GF. I wished I had more pride about it, as you did. Just as a follow-up, she finally left me a voice mail. In it, she let me have it for trying to call her so much, and told me that this was the way she needed to process the messages I sent to her. This irks me, because you just don't go NC on someone without at first talking to them! But the good news is that now I don't feel so compelled to talk to her -- and as a result it is easier for me to go NC myself. The bad news is that I still don't know where she really stands with me. Maybe I'll start another thread to ask this question.
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