Author shamen Posted April 24, 2005 Author Posted April 24, 2005 Very good points, HoldOn! I think that my biggest problem sometimes is just saying, "No." I did yesterday though and was glad that I did it. I do want to keep the brakes on, but I definitely get the feeling that he doesn't feel like he needs any with me. I rarely, if ever, break plans with friends to be with a guy. Not me, at all. I know that my friends are going to be the ones who are there regardless of what happens with whomever I happen to be dating. I think that with my last long-term SO, for the first time in my life, I ended up spending way too much time with him in the beginning (of course after we lived together for a while, he became more and more not at home because of his alcoholism/drug addiction, even when he was only in town for two weekends a month). NOT going to make that mistake again. I need to set a precedent that I am going to maintain a healthy distance. "Slow, keep it slow." I'm going to keep your words in mind when he asks me to do something and I prefer to be with my friends or even just be alone. I really value my alone time. How do I say no to him when I just want to be at home without saying that? I mean, how do I say this without it coming out sounding kinda mean?
HoldOn Posted April 24, 2005 Posted April 24, 2005 Originally posted by shamen How do I say no to him when I just want to be at home without saying that? I mean, how do I say this without it coming out sounding kinda mean? Him: Do you want to hang out tonight? You: I'd really love too, but it's just been such a hectic week that I really need to relax at home and do some things around the house. But I can't wait to see you again! OR that sounds really nice, but I already have plans with my friends and I can't break my word. I'm really looking forward to Saturday when I'll get to see you again. He doesn't own you. So just use really nice words to tell him that you like him and like being around him, but it's just not a good time today to hang out. I think seeing each other twice a week for a couple months is a good way to pace a relationship and make sure it doesn't burn out or become serious too quickly...
Author shamen Posted April 25, 2005 Author Posted April 25, 2005 HoldOn, Thanks for the advice! I will keep those words in mind as well for just when I want to hang out at home by myself... I am worried that it's going to get serious too quickly on his end... He's already said a few things to me that are kinda freaking me out, all having to do with REALLY digging me. Ugh. I like him too, but like I said, he's been purposely single for a while. I'm still just really out of my relationship. So, it's all about the pacing for a little while.
blind_otter Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 I have this comic strip on my fridge. It has 2 ticket booths, one that says "SUCCEED" and the other that says "SABOTAGE YOURSELF" and there's no line at all in front of succeed, and a line going out the yin yang in front of "sabotage yourself". That is so true. Why is it that I look away when he looks into my eyes so deeply and tries to convey some kind fo attachment to me?
HoldOn Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 What are you saying? That she's sabatoging herself?
blind_otter Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 No, I'm just reminding her to NOT sabotage herself by acting out of a place of fear.
Author shamen Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter No, I'm just reminding her to NOT sabotage herself by acting out of a place of fear. I like the cartoon! Haven't seen it, but I know it all too well. Why do I constantly have to over-analyze the relationships that I'm having, rather than just enjoying it for what it is and let it be what it is? I've got to find that balance between me being who I am and wanting to spend time with him. Why do I need to feel like I'm ready to hang out with someone now (which I'm probably not), all of a sudden? When I first met him, all of these people here were like, "whoa." Now, I'm starting to feel whoa too, even though I like the guy. I knew when I met him that it was bad timing. Admittedly, B_O, I'm feeling a little bit of the flee mechanism that I so often do. It's almost like I'm trying to purposely find something wrong, so I can run. He's already asked me why I look away sometimes from him when he's talking to me... There's something else that I haven't mentioned... I'm into usually rail-thin guys and this one is a little big around the gut area and it's freaking me out. When I first met him, I was like, "Well, this isn't important, because he's a really great guy and we have so much in common." Now, I'm a little wigged. I know that he wants to get back to the gym and lose some weight. I hope that he does. (I can't believe that I'm so shallow! ) But, I do know that when the time comes and I see this guy naked, I will be very weirded out. UGH! I'm not saying that it's happening tomorrow or anything, but the thought has crossed my mind. Oh, by the way, I'm seeing him Thursday. I saw him briefly on Sunday night.
HoldOn Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter No, I'm just reminding her to NOT sabotage herself by acting out of a place of fear. This is not acting of out fear. This is balancing your life so that your new boyfriend doesn't take it over. Then you quickly get tired of each other and boom! relationship over. Girls always make this mistake where they think they've got a new boyfriend and now they have to be joined at the hip! No, you should have a life outside your man and you don't have to feel guilty about it.
Author shamen Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 Originally posted by shamen I've got to find that balance between me being who I am and wanting to spend time with him. Why do I need to feel like I'm ready to hang out with someone now (which I'm probably not), all of a sudden? When I first met him, all of these people here were like, "whoa." Now, I'm starting to feel whoa too, even though I like the guy. I knew when I met him that it was bad timing. This came out weird... what I was trying to say was that I wish that the timing was a little better. I wish that I had had more time in between him and my last long-term ex before this came along. At first, I said that the timing didn't matter and now I'm thinking that it kinda does. He's the one here who wants us to see each other more and I'm the one putting on the brakes. I'm certainly not the one who feels that we have to be joined at the hip... Never really have been one of those girls. B_O, I am going to try to balance all of it and not run just because I'm feeling the need to. I know that you get this. I'm glad that your new beau is understanding who are you... It's funny how quickly I can find reasons to run away.
blind_otter Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Oh believe me, Shamen, I FEEL YA on this one!!!! One month after I meet this guy, too much too fast and I feel like a horse that smells a cougar. My eyes are rolling back into my head, I'm bucking in my stall. I want to RUN. I am shivering and sweating and the only thing holding me back is....I don't know what. I want to push away. I want to be on my own more and more and I get evasive. Stop talking about details. Leave out details. Get patchy with descriptions and short in phone conversations. I start sounding busy - too busy. Then it all goes to sh*t. People start second guessing. I know I do. In the initial stages of a relationship, I tend to be nice and sweet but there is always obviously a huge part of me that I hold up and away from the other person. It's a protective measure, something that adult survivors or abuse, molestation, rape or incest often do, but to the extreme. Something about being violated in an intimate or personal way makes you realize there is a part of every human being that we often do not see until it's too late.
Author shamen Posted April 30, 2005 Author Posted April 30, 2005 Hey Blind_Otter, It is so nice to know that it's not just me that feels the need to run so much. I do so many of the same things that you mentioned... hold back, not talk like I should to the person like I should. I'm trying not to do that with him. He really is a sweetheart. I want to think that I can trust him, but not sure. He seems like just another wounded soul, like I am. Trying to find someone to be with who he can trust. He was burned pretty badly in his last relationship too. It really sux that being violated makes us so wary and FEARFUL. I'm tired of being afraid of having a relationship that is good for me. Counseling is really helping in this. We're having a lot of fun now. The best part is that we're not going out every time that we hang out. Spending time at my house or his. Talking, watching movies. But I really like the talking. Hope that I can get past the weight issue. I'm trying to, as I know that this shouldn't be important.
blind_otter Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 I'm excited for ya babe! It's probably the counselling that is helping you adjust. I hope everything turns out good. Keep working. It's so HARD sometimes I get hella jealous of other people who don't seem to have to make such a sweaty effort to just BE NORMAL. Ya know??
Author shamen Posted May 1, 2005 Author Posted May 1, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter It's so HARD sometimes I get hella jealous of other people who don't seem to have to make such a sweaty effort to just BE NORMAL. Ya know?? OMG! It would be nice, huh? But doesn't everybody overanalyze at least a little bit at the beginning? I'm sure that the average girl does not feel the need to flee like you and I do though! Per HoldOn's advice, I am trying to not go all crazy here and spend way too much time with him. Still spending lots of time with the gf's and I'm out of town right now. He's going out of town in a week or so and will be gone a week... So, these are both good things to sort of stop the momentum of us hanging out. Thank god for travel! At the same time, B_O, I can't help but be excited. I swear that he is almost the male version of me. He comes with a lot of the same baggage and we have so much in common it's almost frightening. Maybe this is bad, but right now it's what I've wanted for years as I know that he gets my confusion about life in general. He knows that I'm dealing with a lot of sh*t in therapy right now and he's trying to be supportive in whatever way he can, he obviously knows that he can't really do much but be sensitive to my needs right nowl He's an emotional guy... it's weird. The last couple of guys that I dated were the anti-thesis of this...
Three of Swords Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter It's so HARD sometimes I get hella jealous of other people who don't seem to have to make such a sweaty effort to just BE NORMAL. Ya know?? What is normal anyway? Not something I can achieve. I am forever getting myself in a twist overanalyzing. I can never let something just be. And yeah - that is something I get sweaty over. I managed to mess up twice now within a year - even if my "third" came along - don't know if I have the stomach/heart to go down a third time. (Sorry - Pessimistic attitude is showing). But, should it happen Shamen, I am going to emulate you and go slow, slow, slow. Wow - you give me hope here girl. Keep us posted.
Author shamen Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 Hi Three, You are being pessimistic today... No, seriously, I know how you feel. This whole thread started out so strange. Being dumped by the porno star, seeing my ex, my friend/almost lover that got married suddenly. And now, things and my situation seem completely different. I am doing my best to take it slow. He does want to spend a lot of time with me. I'm putting on the brakes it seems all the time. But I too just want to go full on and speed. Not going to though. Purposely making myself take a step back so I am super-involved way too early. But I want it, but I'm not going to. It's funny how pulled I am in different directions. Admittedly, it has been good with him. Ah, the overanalyzing. Isn't it fun? That's why we're all here, isn't it? I've been in therapy for the last 7 months, pretty regular like and all. I don't know how I'd make it from session to session right now without LS! This place somehow seems to put things in perspective when I'm unable to do it on my own. You know, Three, right now, even if I get hurt in this thing with the new guy, it almost doesn't even matter. I am enjoying my time with him so much, that I just want to keep feeling how good it is to be hanging out with a guy who overanalyzes and gets all sweaty trying to be normal and who doesn't want to fall in love because he's afraid of it. A guy who doesn't have an alcohol or a drug problem now, who has ambition. He just gets it, all of the confusion, and therefore he gets me. Don't be afraid to try a third one this year, Three. You never know what's going to fall in your lap...
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