gd1039 Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 I'm in this situation with this girl I like who has got some stuff going on and as a result even though she likes me too, she just needs a good friend. I told her even though I want to date her, if what she needs is a good friend thats who I want to be. I can't see her as just a friend though, I see her as more than a friend, but not a girlfriend either. We went to get some ice cream the other day, and sure I wanted some ice cream but I also wanted to see her. With any of my real friends, if we went to get ice cream it would because we wanted ice cream, nothing more. Same thing when she calls, I get a little excited/happy. This doesn't happen when one of my other friends call. When we are talking and there is a moment of silence and she is staring into my eyes, how do I convince myself that she does that to everyone and that she isn't looking at me like that because she likes me? On one hand, its these little things like how she looks at me, and me thinking she wants to do something with me because she likes me and not just because we are just friends and friends hang out, that make me think she does infact like me (even though she had said before that she does). On the other hand without looking into these things, I've got no reason to think she likes me too. Whats a guy to do?
Tony T Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Get your act together real quick on this one. You obviously want her as more than a friend. Don't lie to yourself. You only get one, maybe two, chances at being more. Take advantage. If you get things going long term as her buddy, that's where you'll remain and it'll be very hard to be more. Go for romance big time. If that doesn't work out, then be her good friend. It's a LOT easier going that way than the other.
Author gd1039 Posted April 17, 2005 Author Posted April 17, 2005 Tony - Believe me I know the dangers of the "friend" zone, but in this case I really don't have any other options. Like I said, shes got some stuff going on right now and doesn't need the (potential) pressure of a bf right now. So, for me its either hang in there with her and help her get through this, or be out of the picture. Its already been established that we like one another, so I guess its just a matter of time at this point.
WhereSpiritsRoam Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by gd1039 Tony - Believe me I know the dangers of the "friend" zone, but in this case I really don't have any other options. Like I said, shes got some stuff going on right now and doesn't need the (potential) pressure of a bf right now. So, for me its either hang in there with her and help her get through this, or be out of the picture. Its already been established that we like one another, so I guess its just a matter of time at this point. I'm in the same exact boat as you. There are no other options but to wait it out. What you can do to prevent being stuck as a friend is throw in the occasional flirting - that will be a reminder that you will not be happy with just being friends for the long term. But, if a girl says that she's not ready for a relationship just yet, you have to respect that and just see how the cards unfold. The girl I like hasn't promised anything, nor has she ruled it out, so I'll stick it out for awhile.
Author gd1039 Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 Yea, I try to flirt a little with her like throwing out some extra smiles, little teases, or just holding eye contact just a little longer than I normally do. It's kinda ridiculous, but you're right, thats about all you can do. I guess nothing has been explicity promised to me either, but I think it was more implied. She said she definitely likes me but just needs a good friend right now to help her get through this. I'd like an answer a little more definite (nothing is definite in the future but intentions now for the future mean something), but I don't want to give her any additional pressure right now, so I'm just gonna lay back. This whole thing only came to light about a week ago, so obviously nothing will be happening anytime soon. I'll probably try to get an update from her in a month or two just to see how she still feels about me. Hopefully she is still interested and has the intentions of dating me once she is feeling better, but if not I'd still be her friend, just not in the same way I am now. We are starting to hang out more and more, and we talk on the phone anywhere from once every other day to a couple times in a day. Now that I mention that, it almost seems like that that is a bad idea. On one hand we do enjoy each others company, but on the other hand, isn't it only a matter of time before things burn out after talking so much? Maybe I should stop worrying...
WhereSpiritsRoam Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Originally posted by gd1039 I guess nothing has been explicitly promised to me either, but I think it was more implied. She said she definitely likes me but just needs a good friend right now to help her get through this. I'd like an answer a little more definite (nothing is definite in the future but intentions now for the future mean something), but I don't want to give her any additional pressure right now, so I'm just gonna lay back. This whole thing only came to light about a week ago, so obviously nothing will be happening anytime soon. I'll probably try to get an update from her in a month or two just to see how she still feels about me. Hopefully she is still interested and has the intentions of dating me once she is feeling better, but if not I'd still be her friend, just not in the same way I am now. We are starting to hang out more and more, and we talk on the phone anywhere from once every other day to a couple times in a day. Now that I mention that, it almost seems like that that is a bad idea. On one hand we do enjoy each others company, but on the other hand, isn't it only a matter of time before things burn out after talking so much? Maybe I should stop worrying... Your situation is basically a mirror-image of mine. My girl just wants a good friend right now to hang out with, and then if something develops from that, great. Though she has not promised me anything, the fact that she wants to hang out with me and keep in frequent contact can't be a bad thing. I know you would like a more definite answer, but don't expect one until she is ready to date again. She will likely be very careful expressing how she feels about you for fear of getting you too excited, etc. If you really liked a girl but didn't want to date her yet, you would probably closely monitor how much you opened up to her. Instead, you and I have to look for hints. A basic barometer is how much she contacts you and wants to see you, as well as the quality of those interactions. My girl tries to make time for me each weekend, and she generally calls, e-mails, or IM's me every day (sometimes all three). If yours is doing something similar, then you are pretty much in cruise control right now and laying back is the best thing you can do. That said, I don't think you should talk to her on the phone that much. In fact, as much as you don't want to (because I feel the same way), you have to make yourself a little less available. If she calls, talk to her, but don't call her as much. If she e-mails you, respond - but not right away. Appear busy, like you have other things going on in your life. It's all about increasing your perceived value. I know it's technically a game, and I hate playing them too, but that's how this stuff works most of the time. You mentioned the possibility of "burning out", and while that is unlikely at such an early stage of your relationship with her, it does increase the risk of being trapped as a friend. Hanging out as much as you want is fine as long as you continue to flirt, etc., but I would caution against talking to her every single day as a "buddy". I cannot stress enough that you must always reinforce your long-term objective. Starting today, I'm going to stop e-mailing my girl every day like I was. She really likes my letters, but she has become used to them. Similarly, I won't be online as much every night because I don't want her becoming comfortable with AIM being our main method of communication. Talking online is fine, but should only supplement phone calls and hanging out, IMO. If you talk to her online a lot, you may want to consider this as well. It's just my two cents, but I've found that many people will stop calling as much if they know they can just find you on the computer. And yes, you shouldn't worry so much. The reality is that our situations are really out of our control. In a few months, we will either be their boyfriend or we won't. Until they make those decisions, we just have to be ourselves and keep our fingers crossed. I know how much it sucks to wait around for something that isn't even guaranteed, especially when it's a girl you're crazy about. But love, like life, is a risk, and we have to take this one. Spirits
Author gd1039 Posted April 24, 2005 Author Posted April 24, 2005 WhereSpiritsRoam - simply put, great points. We can get them to like us, but we can't make them date us. I HATE talking online for the very reasons you outlined. Because of this, I don't talk to her online, I don't have her email/sn, nothing and I want it that way. The phone or in person is much better. One positive thing that I have found out of this whole situation is that the more we talk the more I realize (and hopefully she does to) that we have a lot in common and that we get along great. I still need to work on scaling back my availability somewhat, but I don't want to become to unavailable either (as I talked about in your thread). It is hard, because I enjoy talking to her as much as I do, but a little, and I stress a little, less talk can't hurt. I did get a vague confirmation yesterday that things are still going ok, it was nothing concrete and it dofinitely had to be read into, but there is enough there to hold me over for now. Best of luck to both of us.
MadDog Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 Try dating other girls. I guarantee you that no matter how good you think this girl is, there'll be another one out there that's just as good or better for you. In the meanwhile, if she changes her mind and wants to date you, you can do that. If she doesn't, at least you're not wasting your life waiting on her.
Author gd1039 Posted April 25, 2005 Author Posted April 25, 2005 maddog - see the problem is that I haven't met someone like her in years and I'm even hesitant to compare her to anyone I met before then. This girl is definitely special. This isn't a case where I am some guy who never leaves the house and somehow meets a girl and instantly falls for her. I've had girlfriends, dates, and just plenty of friends that are girls, so I definitely have had oportunities to meet other girls. I wouldn't say I'd be wasting my life if she doesn't want to date me in the end either. Although it would be real s***ty (supposing I still liked her) if I haven't met a girl like her in this long, what are the odds I would meet another amazing girl in that relatively short period of time? An optimists best outlook: It was fun while it lasted.
MadDog Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 Originally posted by gd1039 maddog - see the problem is that I haven't met someone like her in years and I'm even hesitant to compare her to anyone I met before then. This girl is definitely special. This isn't a case where I am some guy who never leaves the house and somehow meets a girl and instantly falls for her. I've had girlfriends, dates, and just plenty of friends that are girls, so I definitely have had oportunities to meet other girls. I wouldn't say I'd be wasting my life if she doesn't want to date me in the end either. Although it would be real s***ty (supposing I still liked her) if I haven't met a girl like her in this long, what are the odds I would meet another amazing girl in that relatively short period of time? An optimists best outlook: It was fun while it lasted. In that case, keeping meeting new girls. As long as you keep your mind open and don't develop the "she's the only one for me and I'll wait for her" attitude, things will be alright. Unfortunately, your statement "I'm even hesitant to compare her to anyone I've met before" makes it seem like you might be heading that way. I think the point here is that you shouldn't concentrate on her so much that you might miss out on another girl that could be good for you. Good luck. MD
Author gd1039 Posted April 25, 2005 Author Posted April 25, 2005 I'll admit myself, I am heading that way to a point. If I happened to meet some girl who wowed me the way this girl has right from the start, I would not completely disregard her. On the other hand, I'm not out making it my priority to meet new girls like I used to either. Despite the fact that we aren't dating, we do get to spend time together and I'm enjoying doing that. I'd like to think that when we are hanging out, it is evident that we like one another. Maybe I'm right or maybe I'm wrong, but considering the situation I'm rather happy.
Author gd1039 Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 I'm speechless. I had to get some of this off my chest yesterday, so while we were hanging out I just started talking and talking and she was talking and talking back. Basically, everything has been a miscommunication up to this point, and in a good way. The whole thing that started this was my own fault, for being a fool, but I'm glad I was. Finding out for certain yesterday that she does infact like me and that while I thought I was being too "pressuring" with the whole thing, it turns out I was waaay off. Despite the rollercoaster ride from hell this has been for me up to this point, I wouldn't change it. Still, its nothing "official" but something is definitely there. Thanks everyone for the help along the way.
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