minime13 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 This may be a long post, but I think the information is necessary to get an accurate answer on what I’m asking. My boyfriend and I have hit a rough spot in our relationship, and it’s mainly because we haven’t been communicating well lately. We got to the point of taking a break from the relationship to be with ourselves, respectively, and evaluate the relationship. We don’t have any fatal flaws in the relationship (communication is big, but that can be worked on). We haven’t been working on it lately and have picked up some bad habits that need time to be broken – hence the main reason for taking a break. During our conversation in deciding this, he said some really peculiar things about his view of the relationship. He said he has felt that he and I were meant for each other, and felt really sure of that until the past few months (that we’ve been having problems). His feelings were conflicted, and he felt unsure of our future. Naturally, when a couple starts going through rough spots and trying times, a person isn’t as sure or as confident in their relationship. I feel the same way. Of course, he goes on to expand that he’s seen his friends (he’s 28, and a lot of his friends are suddenly getting engaged/married, as it’s kind of an average age to start settling down), finding their future mates, and they just seem so sure of it, and he has kept in his mind (during our problems) that if it was meant to be, then it would be, but he’s having doubts about that. I’m actually not going to say that these things were peculiar to me, because I really feel that this is a rather naïve, if not juvenile, way to view relationships. I didn’t say that to him, but it seems like he’s waiting for this internal timer to buzz and say, yep, she’s the one. I know you get a feeling, something we both have talked about and have felt, but it’s like he’s literally waiting for fate to intervene. I’ve noticed, also, that he’s paid great attention to all of his friends and peers getting engaged and settling down. He usually comments about it if he sees something. So, I’m fairly sure that it’s on his mind that these people are there and he’s not, and I feel that’s affecting him. It seems like his response (above) is being pressured by an aspect of keeping up, without recognizing where we realistically are in our relationship. That’s one of the other reasons why I agreed to a break, because I don’t know how to talk to him about that right now. I think it’s silly to be pressured into a societal timeline of what one should and shouldn’t do. He tends to compare himself and his status in life with his friends (is that a male thing?), and I know the plethora of friends getting engaged weighs on him. However, we’ve talked about the future and marriage, and he and I both want to be more settled in our careers and paths before marriage. Both of us, theoretically speaking, are on the same page as far as not wanting to think about a specific timeline. But – he’ll state that, then state that he feels I’m waiting around for him to grow up, and place a lot of concentration on his peers. I’m a little older than him and understand how a person feels when all their friends start getting married, but it just seems like he’s placing too much emphasis on that in judging our relationship. I don’t know how to discuss this with him, and honestly don’t know my assessment is correct. Anyone want to take a stab at this? Is this a normal thing for a guy to start kind of freaking out when his friends start tying the knot?
fireflywy Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 (edited) Well, he's definitely going through the social clock and its a real psychological definition. And yes, it can happen for people to freak out. With that in mind, do some research about what stage you are currently in your relationship and steps to get through each one. There are 5 stages and it possible that you are hitting a snag as one stage transitions into another and/or he is preoccupied in thinking that one stage is what defines his settling point and/or the stage that constitutes "true, marriageable love" from his perspective. The 5 Relationship Stages As for communication, it has been said here many times but you should examine the 5 different love languages which is also a book. However, for true, actual, in the moment communication, I would examine Neuro Linguistic Programming and see if you can determine what type of communicator he is so you can discuss these concepts/concerns in his communication style which might make him develop more rapport with you. With all that said, he could very well be going through a stage where he likes you, cares about you, and perhaps just doesn't see a long term future with you. In that case, refer to 5 stages point. I wish I could help more. You sound like an awesome, understanding, and patient woman. That in itself is a godsend no matter what else the outcome may be. Edited April 17, 2015 by fireflywy
Author minime13 Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 (edited) We're definitely in the power struggle phase. I would consider that 90% of the relationship is wonderful. 10% has become arguing turning hurt feelings. That is primarily the reason for the space. It's also been around the time that this started to where we both started having some doubts, but I kind of assume that's natural to start having doubts when things get rough. I feel the social clock may be doing something, as he's been fairly up and down. When we're happy and getting along (90%), we talk about the future, we talk about kids (he always brings up the "future" discussions). When we're happy and great together it's not even conversations, it's comments, like "we're getting one of these for our backyard" when out playing a sport we both like, or talking about other things we're going to do in the future. I guess maybe a lot of it comes down to working on communication, at this point, but the comments about how I'm waiting for him to mature, and then the attention to all his friends getting married just perplexed me and I'm just thinking about it today, and curious as to where it's coming from. Thanks for the info. Edited April 17, 2015 by minime13
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