Loyalty vs Jealousy

[dvx]

Now this just slipped my mind. Here is the deal. I've been blaming myself for precisely 40 days. Nothing good has come out of it.

 

I've spent countless of hours and sleepless nights thinking, reminiscing, and analyzing where it went wrong, what I did wrong, what she did wrong, what I said, how I reacted and who's fault everything is or was.

 

There are no winners in this story, only losers. She lost me, I lost her. It doesn't matter who did more wrongs then the other.

 

Im starting to see the bigger picture and how I work and think as the man i've become.

 

I was raised by a single mother who was committed and determined at all cost to give me the best possible life that she could. She sacrificed her whole life and left our country that was inflicted by war during the time I was born and against all odds she saved herself and me, walking 20 miles through dangerous woods and fear for her life. She left her whole family and managed to get us to a brand new secure country that is one of the most secure countries in the world. Just so I could have a better life and most of all a secure life.

 

The gratitude, respect and thankfulness that I have for my mother is unconditional.

 

Me being raised by a strong and independent woman also has it's negative sides. One being me asking for too much from a woman. Im searching for this independent, strong woman that I know will be there for me at worst possible scenario. One that won't leave me as soon as things get though. One I can count on, trust and relay on.

 

I don't see myself as a jealous person, there is just no need for me to be jealous. Im a tall, handsome looking guy with a great body, great personality, sense of humor, heart of gold, loyalty that some women only can dream of finding in a man.

 

This causes me to search for that same amount of loyalty as I am able to offer. It seems that this loyalty that I both offer and require is so strong that it basically scares the other person away. They mistake my loyalty for jealousy.

 

For me it's really simple. As soon as I'm in a relationship, I immediately cut all contact with other woman whatsoever whether its on Facebook or other social media. I basically have a lot of woman lined up but I just ignore and delete them all as soon as I get into a relationship with the woman that I thought and took for granted would do the same for me.

 

In my mind when I enter a relationship, I enter it with the thought of that I entered it with the best possible girl out there, the most good looking one, the most good hearted one etc. And Im sure she sees me that way too.

 

So still I can't put my finger on why the woman won't cut contact with her flings, exes, attention givers or what ever as easily as me. If you're a good looking girl, you will have hundreds of hungry wolfs after you. Damn even if you're ugly you will have 20 of them. Most guys are like hungry wolfs that just want to take a bite and then go on to the next. I have no respect for these dudes, nor do I have respect for the women falling for these wolfs so easily and gets destroyed forever.

 

That's why I'm trying to protect the girl I'm with. Protecting her from these wolfs, not because I'm jealous, not because I feel threatened of some ugly looking hungry wolfs. I just feel disgusted and don't won't to have my woman anywhere near them. Whether it's in real life or in social media. I don't want my woman to like their pictures, follow them, give them attention, give them false hopes etc. It just doesn't work for me. And I hate it when they are liking her pictures and commenting sleazy comments. The thought of knowing that these hungry ass wolfs are sitting home behind their screens looking and drooling at my woman makes me sick.

 

I tried to let her know these things, tried to explain how most guys think, why I react so strongly etc. I got labeled as a jealous control freak. It's not fair. Because that really not what I am. If she really knew me, what i've been through and how I work and feel as the man that I am. She would never ever even think the thought of me being a jealous controlling man.

 

For me it's all about loyalty and sacrifices. It's not like Im asking her to give up her family and life for me. Im simply asking her to stop giving around attention and swallowing attention from every possible way she can. I live completely fine without it, even though I can get it at any time, it's the last thing that concerns me. So why wouldn't she be fine without it and be satisfied with the attention from me?

 

I get looks from great looking woman both when Im alone and out with my girlfriend, looks that I completely ignore and look the other way, out of respect for my girlfriend. I expect the same back from her.

 

I don't know if there is something wrong with me or if I just need to lower my standards and expectations of women that I have in general. I don't know, it's just the way I am.

[ephemeralme]

dvx;

change some of the history; change some of the gender qualities, behaviours etc and gender too and you have my story...

my thinking and behavior with my man ( now ex) ....

and while he really didn't have fb, twitter etc.... there were some other things that I felt were "disloyal" actions or behaviours.

 

 

not sure I have an answer for you.... am going to try to work that out with a therapist.... since, I am full of self blame, self anger and self disappointment...

I am a completely loyal woman, partner, fiancée and lover. ( was at least until 3 weeks ago) and ... I am a good person, passionate, have a good heart, am kind, educated, work hard, blah blah blah.... but.... the rather focus on the positives....... he bailed ........ it had a long distance component but not that bad.. we were a weekend contact relationship but on the phone daily. .........ah, whatever......... he left and I am trying to pick myself up, find a path in the road and work on me. sigh. I hate him for what he did. I love him and I hate him ... I hate him for giving up on us.

[dvx]

dvx;

change some of the history; change some of the gender qualities, behaviours etc and gender too and you have my story...

my thinking and behavior with my man ( now ex) ....

and while he really didn't have fb, twitter etc.... there were some other things that I felt were "disloyal" actions or behaviours.

 

 

not sure I have an answer for you.... am going to try to work that out with a therapist.... since, I am full of self blame, self anger and self disappointment...

I am a completely loyal woman, partner, fiancée and lover. ( was at least until 3 weeks ago) and ... I am a good person, passionate, have a good heart, am kind, educated, work hard, blah blah blah.... but.... the rather focus on the positives....... he bailed ........ it had a long distance component but not that bad.. we were a weekend contact relationship but on the phone daily. .........ah, whatever......... he left and I am trying to pick myself up, find a path in the road and work on me. sigh. I hate him for what he did. I love him and I hate him ... I hate him for giving up on us.

I feel you. I guess there is not much of an answer to give on the subject. But the blaming, anger and disappointment you describe is my every day struggle.

 

But i just can't put my finger on why it was all me that did wrong when it actually wasn't. It was her who did wrong and it was my reactions that let the end to everything. Or at least why it's me that's the problem in her mind when it probably wasn't. It's not fair for me to carry all the blame and hate for both. It's pretty heavy luggage to carry for one man.

[Simon Phoenix]

I can easily see how you can be seen as controlling and jealous. A woman talking to other men does not mean she's interested in being with those other men and it isn't an affront to you. While you might see it as loyalty, the woman might see it as ownership -- that you find her to be a possession of yours instead of a person who you love and see as an equal.

 

I guess I need to know more about these interactions before I can really see anything. If you are scowling and being disapproving every time she interacts with a man in a friendly manner in her presence, I can see how that would wear her down. Now if she's being touchy, flirty, giving her number to guys, then yes, you'd be in your rights to be upset. But there's a slippery slope between wanting a loyal girlfriend (which we all do) and being a micromanaging control freak. The tighter you squeeze, the more they'll struggle. It's a balancing act.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'll give you a good example of what I'm talking about. I was dating a girl in college who was well out of my league -- blonde college soccer player, great body, pretty hot -- and one night we go to a bar together after grabbing dinner.

 

At the bar are several of my school's hockey players, a couple of whom ended up playing a little while in the NHL. They didn't believe I was dating this girl and were flirting with her in front of me. She stayed right by my side the whole time, talking to them in a friendly, non-flirty manner, while I played it cool and talked to them too (I knew several of them and not all of them were hitting on my girlfriend).

 

This goes on for 30-40 minutes or so. I even leave to get more drinks, leaving her with them. I come back and she hasn't moved at all, she's just there waiting for me. After the second drink she loudly says "Well boys, I think I'm ready to go home and head to bed. I hope you'll join me Simon" then she flirtly runs her hands up my chest and gives me a long kiss. I wink at the hockey guys, grab her hand, leave the bar with her, then she rocks my world.

 

I tell that story because I think it's best to combine trust and loyalty with someone. I absolutely agree with you that loyalty is something that should be valued -- it's something I value highly. If you're with me, I'll be in your corner whenever I can. But you can't expect people to be loyal to you if you don't give them trust. If someone is always questioning my loyalties, eventually they will lose my loyalty. But if they show they'll trust me, then I will be much more likely to take a bullet for them.

 

In the situation I outlined above, I showed my girlfriend that I trusted her. And I was rewarded for that trust in spades. I had another similar situation with the girl that brought me here years ago where I played it cool and got a similar response. I will trust someone until they prove to be untrustworthy. At that point, sayonara.

 

But to get loyalty you have to give trust. It's a two-way street.

Edited April 17, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[dvx]

I'll give you a good example of what I'm talking about. I was dating a girl in college who was well out of my league -- blonde college soccer player, great body, pretty hot -- and one night we go to a bar together after grabbing dinner.

 

At the bar are several of my school's hockey players, a couple of which ended up playing a little while in the NHL. They didn't believe I was dating this girl and were flirting with her in front of me. She stayed right by my side the whole time, talking to them in a friendly, non-flirty manner, while I played it cool and talked to them too (I knew several of them and not all of them were hitting on my girlfriend).

 

This goes on for 30-40 minutes or so. I even leave to get more drinks, leaving her with them. I come back and she hasn't moved at all, she's just there waiting for me. After the second drink she loudly says "Well boys, I think I'm ready to go home and head to bed. I hope you'll join me Simon" then she flirtly runs her hands up my chest and gives me a long kiss. I wink at the hockey guys, grab her hand, leave the bar with her, then she rocks my world.

 

I tell that story because I think it's best to combine trust and loyalty with someone. I absolutely agree with you that loyalty is something that should be valued -- it's something I value highly. If you're with me, I'll be in your corner whenever I can. But you can't expect people to be loyal to you if you don't give them trust. If someone is always questioning my loyalties, eventually they will lose my loyalty. But if they show they'll trust me, then I will be much more likely to take a bullet for them.

 

In the situation I outlined above, I showed my girlfriend that I trusted her. And I was rewarded for that trust in spades. I had another similar situation with the girl that brought me here years ago where I played it cool and got a similar response. I will trust someone until they prove to be untrustworthy. At that point, sayonara.

 

But to get loyalty you have to give trust. It's a two-way street.

 

Thats a great story that makes a lot of sense. You're completely right. There was some unintentional trust issues from my side due to an earlier bad relationship. But the whole social media thing i see it as lack of respect. I know that she would never meet or cheat on me with anyone of these instagram followers from around the world. But for me it's a question of respect. Why have the urge to do these stuff? Why give this attention to men who are not even on my level at any way or ever will be. What's in it for her? That's what i wanted to know and wanted it to end.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thats a great story that makes a lot of sense. You're completely right. There was some unintentional trust issues from my side due to an earlier bad relationship. But the whole social media thing i see it as lack of respect. I know that she would never meet or cheat on me with anyone of these instagram followers from around the world. But for me it's a question of respect. Why have the urge to do these stuff? Why give this attention to men who are not even on my level at any way or ever will be. What's in it for her? That's what i wanted to know and wanted it to end.

 

I don't think of Facebook likes as any sort of real indication of anything. Hell, half the time I see a picture on there and like it without even really looking at who posted it. I guess I just don't take social media that seriously, but liking pictures and status updates and responding to guys (as long as it's not obviously flirty).

 

I don't think social media is worth that type of consternation. Like you said, she's not going to go and hang out/cheat on you with these people, so why would you care? I mean, I value loyalty as much as anyone, but I don't have the time or the interest to monitor something like that which, simply put, doesn't matter. If she's not flirting back, then it's not a problem.

 

Maybe you just need to find a girl who isn't into social media. There are a few still out there I'm sure.

[Bohonia]

So basically in a nutshell you do not trust her and because you don't need the attention its not okay for her to receive it??? That is absolutely ridiculous! Her accepting attention from other does not mean she is not loyal to you. You placing her in the position you did shows you do not trust her. Not to mention your statement about "I don't know if there is something wrong with me or if I just need to lower my standards and expectations of women that I have in general. I don't know, it's just the way I am."

really your standards and expectations were hindered because she will not bow down to you?

You must love in such a way that the other person feels free to come and go, if you try and cage her eventually she will fly away..

[fireflywy]

I don't think its wrong ask someone, especially when things get very serious, to cut off contact with flings and exes if there are mixed signals. Of course, if that occurs, then it may be walk away time too.

 

I wish my ex had behaved the way the woman in Simons story had when she made over her guy essentially putting up a forcefield in such an awesome way.

 

Sometimes, people do get jealous or insecure based on how they are treated especially if they were to never receive compliments, some degree of adoration, appreciation, and emotional reciprocation. Like you dvx I was called "controlling" by my ex after I broke up with her, but I had a totally different situation from the get go, and now, looking back, I was simply responding to some SEVERE lacks on her part which made me feel i was just there, no special then anyone else (my story has been posted).

 

Some people, like my ex, will call you that, or even lie to themselves or friends, to justify how they treat you when they are wanting to distance themselves or stray. It isn't ALWAYS the truth that you are so.

 

There are hundreds of stories on here where a guy gave her trust, suspecting that there were issues, and made to feel bad by being called controlling etc as a deflection, only to have that person actively cheat on them at the same time.

 

Its a delicate balance. Follow your gut.

Edited April 17, 2015 by fireflywy

[ZiggyZoo]

I wonder if you aren't overvaluing yourself, and then having your ego hurt when the girl you've chosen above all others doesn't see how obviously much better than all that you are by "liking" a FB picture. Just because you think you're the best possible match for basically any girl out there and, once chosen, they should stop acknowledging that other guys even exist doesn't mean that they feel the same.

 

As a female, I can't help but be a little offended that you assume women need protecting from the "wolves". Trust me, women know what men are thinking, we don't need you telling us to cut all communication with our guy friends because you're somehow afraid for our delicate sensibilities. And maintaining and interacting with acquaintances on social media does not mean that we're "swallowing attention from every way we can". News flash, not every post or status or picture is posted as a direct attempt to get in our pants, and our positive (or any, really) response to said post or status or picture is not us signaling our agreement to let them in our pants. You have a very skewed view on life, if you see leering sexual predators licking their chops with these innocent exchanges. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

 

You also do something called "projecting", where you assume the woman you're with feels the same about you as you do about her. Watch out for this because your assumption that she finds you every bit as attractive, intelligent, and good-hearted as you do her is not healthy. You assume her level of interest and attraction is equal to yours, and your values on things such as loyalty and sacrifice are the same as well. This is very selfish on your part, because it does not take her views on the world, her opinions on acceptable behavior in a relationship, and her basic interest in you into consideration at all. This isn't fair to her at all, you might as well be in a relationship with yourself for all that she contributes to it.

 

I do agree that you're a jealous control freak. Perhaps try trusting your partner and accepting the fact that her views are different from yours. Otherwise, regardless of how great you are, you're not ever going to be happy.