PlasticMan Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 New here I used to visit the site about 3-4 years ago going through my divorce - I was just a reader to help soak up the information and learn that I was not the only one going through that. So current situation. GF of 2 years moved in about a year ago. She just recently moved out. We were perfect in almost every way. Everything clicked from the beginning Me - 40 - divorced - 2 kids Her - 36 - divorced - no kids She cares and loves my kids as they were her own, which is great. But about 2 months ago she came to me that she is moving out that she wants her own family. Disclosure - when I first met her I told her I was fixed and couldn't have more kids but there are options out there if I ever felt it was right. She came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to marry her or have kids with her. I thought about it for about two weeks, thinking of all the goods and bads of having more kids. I told her I'm all in - that she means that much to me and that I would gladly have a child with her. She still moved out. I said it's not a ploy just to keep you around. I have really put some thought into it. Contact has been really short this past week since her moving out. But she had to live in my house for a short while, waiting for her apartment to open up. During that time we hugged kissed and even made love as nothing was really different. We talked about our feelings daily. I am stuck because I feel there has to be something more. Was wanting the family just an out of the relationship? Maybe she thought I wouldn't change my mind? Confused and hurt
Reality015 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Sorry to hear this. I guess only your ex knows the answer to this. Best you can do is let her be as it is out of your control. As hard as it is I would go NC & move on with your life & in time things will get easier. Wish I could of been more help.
Author PlasticMan Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 She still says she loves me. I just got a text from her. Maybe she just needs time to think about things. I really don't know. We said every day after she said she was moving out - no holding back. Tell the other person what's on your mind. And for the most part she did. I know I didn't hold anything back. I know she's not moving back in anytime soon. She just got done packing and unpacking. But I feel there is something still here. But that's how they all go I guess.
Fufu Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 I think the solution now is to leave her alone. Let her think through this herself, if she wants to come back, she will.
Ruby65 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Why haven't you proposed to her already? You've been dating for two years, living together for one, you're ready to start a family... why no ring? 1
PegNosePete Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Yeah, seems like there's more to this story than meets the eye. She said she wanted kids and you said you can get un-fixed and were prepared to have another. But she still left. So I would think that there is another reason for her leaving. Yes, leave her alone and see what she does on her own. She knows how you feel already so there's not much to gain by telling her over and over. Now it's up to her if she wants to come back or not. I would give her space to make that decision. Don't accept anything other than a final YES or NO.
Toodaloo Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 She came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to marry her or have kids with her. I thought about it for about two weeks, thinking of all the goods and bads of having more kids. I told her I'm all in - that she means that much to me and that I would gladly have a child with her. She still moved out. I said it's not a ploy just to keep you around. I have really put some thought into it. She wants marriage and kids. She knows at 36 time is running out. If this really is all that there is wrong and you are absolutely sure that you want to commit to her and have children with her I suggest you get a ring on it asap. Two weeks is a long time for your partner to be thinking about it when you are absolutely sure yourself... That would be the equivalent to a kick in the balls. Your actions have just said to her that your ex was good enough but she is not... personally I think I would do the same these days rather than waste time with someone who doesn't love me... If, however, there is something you are not telling us then better spit it out quick so we can make better judgement and try to help you. 1
Author PlasticMan Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 when I first met her I told her no marriage or no kids for me. But after thinking about everything I realized I was in a bad marriage. I took care of the kids the majority of the time in the marriage, she was always working. I did more in the marriage than I was getting back. I realized this is a different person and that things would be different. She is nothing like my ex. I got a total upgrade. I just think - that she thinks - that my heart isn't in it
Author PlasticMan Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 (edited) Being in the bad marriage and me taking care of the kids made me bitter towards marriage in general. But I realize now that marriage can be beautiful. My GF would be the ultimate partner. I just think that she thinks I am just saying these things to keep her around. I was never against marriage But I agree - at 36 time is ticking and she doesn't even know if she can have kids. Minor problems in that area for her. But the docs - at this point - say she should be ok Edited April 17, 2015 by PlasticMan
Ruby65 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 So, you haven't proposed to her. You know she wanted to be married, why are you suprised she left? At 36, after giving you two years to pop the question, I'd be out the door too sorry to say.
Author PlasticMan Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 Propose? I guess you're probably right. So what do I do now? NC? Talk to her about it all? Just confused on the whole situation I guess.
Ruby65 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 NC is absolutely the worst thing you can do right now. If you want to save this relationship, buy her a ring and ask her to marry you. Unless there's something else that's going on here, it seems like a pretty simple fix.
Author PlasticMan Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 NC is absolutely the worst thing you can do right now. If you want to save this relationship, buy her a ring and ask her to marry you. Unless there's something else that's going on here, it seems like a pretty simple fix. So even though I'm fixed - I do have an appointment soon to ask about getting undone. What if I can't have kids? I can go get a ring, I can marry her, but what if I can't have kids?
Ruby65 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Yes, a vasectomy can sometimes be reversed and it's good you're looking into that. There are also other ways to have kids. The important issue here for her, I'm assuming -- since she's left you -- is that you haven't asked her to marry you.
Author PlasticMan Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 Thanks Ruby. She is out of town right now for a few days - hopefully we can have a sit down next week and really sort out some feelings
Ruby65 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 If I were her.... I wouldn't let you in the door without a marriage proposal. Just sayin. Good luck to you though!
Author PlasticMan Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Well we have texted a bit over the last week. She has not agreed to see me yet - too soon too fresh. We almost met last night but I didn't want to push her. We will probably meet up this weekend for a ballgame. Maybe Saturday afternoon as I have something going on in the morning. I have told her how I feel and but I want to see her to tell her face to face and she said she appreciates that. I told her I just wish I knew more about how she feels. She said she isn't sure. She can't answer these questions right now. Stuck in a rut right now I know I must be patient and positive. She told me that the first time or two we meet she wants to keep it light. No heavy stuff at first. I get that but I also want to express everything to her and really talk about the marriage/kids. She doesn't. So I will have to keep it light and positive. Show her I'm doing good? Show her why she fell for me before? It is like starting at square one but she is worth it to me. I will do what it takes. Advice?
Author PlasticMan Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 She says she wants to see me. She still tells me she loves me everyday. She says she just needs to sort out her thoughts. I told her to take as long as she wants but in the end we can't sweep this under the rug. The other day she said it was tough going home to any empty apartment when she was used to a house and a family. I get that and I know she will get over that with time. I know she is missing me - I know she loves me. I just don't know my next move
Author PlasticMan Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 Well we are going to meet on Sunday. No serious talk just yet. We both agreed. Just to hang out. Wish me luck. This is the girl of my dreams
Ruby65 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 My advice is the same: buy a ring and propose already. (However, I will eat a bug if you ever actually do this! )
Author PlasticMan Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 Ruby isn't not happening this weekend as she told me no getting into any deep talks. I would love to see you eat that bug though. And I'm fully prepared for the proposal
Ruby65 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 You seem very keen to follow her instructions to the letter when what she wants is to *take it slow*.... .... but not so keen to follow them when what she wants is to get married. Buy the ring and do it.
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