Seperated wife with new man.

[AdnoH]

I just want to apologize in advance for the long post but it's a long story so try and hang in there ladies and gentlemen...

 

The backdrop

I met my wife about 4 years ago on a internet dating sight. From the very first time we hung out it was like we knew eachother for years. Liked the same things. Same dislikes and all the rest. We clicked so well that we ended up getting physical the first time we met. I know it's a big red flag but I kinda just went with it you know? Anyways we dated for about 6 months then I asked for her hand. Everything was perfect really. 2 months after we got married I was deployed to Afghanistan. After four days of pre deployment training in another state. I get a call on the phone from her asking if a new friend of ours (also a soldier) could stay at the house because he was getting ready to pcs. I told her I strongly disliked the idea and predfered it not to happen. Mage agreed and that was the end of it or so I thought. After that the whole time we were training she kind of fell off. She used to text me a lot. I mean ALOT then it just stopped. She used to call me before bed and tell me she loved me every night but that stopped too. I didn't really pay it any mind because my focus was on other things.

 

After the training I got some leave time before we went overseas and right from the second I got in the car something didn't feel right you know? I can't really explain it but something was off about her. I blew it off and went to her parents house to enjoy leave. All the time I was on leave she was glued to her phone. Either texting or going outside to make or receive calls. Not always but most. I thought that was sort of weird but again I pushed it aside. Another thing was all she was talking about was our "friend" that wanted to move in. Seriously I heard his name at least 5 times a day. Another thing that got me wondering if something was wrong is we only had sex twice the whole time. We used to do it like 3 times a day and now only 2 times in 9 days?

 

So one night I sat down and put the pieces together. I approached her about it and she assured me that it wasn't what I thought. We argued about it and the story never changed. But then she decided to take a early flight home to prepare for his bday party. Now I would think that if your husband was leaving for a deployment and there was a chance he would not return you would want to spend every last second with that person. This infuriated me and we argued even more. To the point where I went home just to get away from her. We said goodbye at the airport. She even cried. Fast forward a few days of no contact from her. At all. I was 3 days from getting on a plane and I received a call from her mother telling me that she was having a relationship with the guy. Physical and all and that I deserved to know.

I immediately called her and after a few ignores she finally answers the phone. I question her about it and she denies it at first but then owns up. Saying she doesn't love me anymore and she was pursuing a relationship with this guy. After a few harsh word exchanges including her saying she wishes I get blown up I end the call. Change the bank info, cut off her phone and have a buddy get my car she was driving. I was pissed but i had no time to be sad. About months later I was checking my email and got a few mags from her saying she wants me back blah blah blah. I told her I would think about it and eventually I said we can try again because I loved her and believed we could get through it.

 

A year later when I got home everything was perfect. No fights no arguing and she was pregnant with my child. Throughout the pregnancy we had our fights but I just chocked it up to her being emotional. She even went to stay with her mom a few times. When our daughter was born everything went south. She had a hysterectomy and said that it was my fault and all this nonsense but the fighting was getting worse. I mean like screaming worse. I emotionally shut down. I was irritable and no longer cared about anything. I was diagnosed with PTSD because of some things that happened on deployment and she said I was crazy. But I still loved her and tried my best but it ended up that I just couldn't stand to even be in the same room with her. One day her friend told me that she had cheated with 8 different guys while I was deployed. Her mother even confirmed this. She denied it I let it go and to this day still has not owned up to it. On a side note I just recently got proof of her cheating with 7 guys. I wish I had this info back then!! Lol anyways We sat down one day and hashed a lot off things out and everything was good. Really good. She started pressuring me about moving out of post housing so we could get BAH and save money each month. I agreed and we got a little place off post.

 

Almost immediately she came home one day saying she was taking our daughter and leaving me saying that my mental condition is to unstable for her and she wants a divorce. I told her that's cool but I just wanted to see my daughter as much as possible. She left and I crumbled. Cried, blamed myself and wished her to come back. A week later we made some rules to follow until we were divorced. One of them was that we were not to bring any random boyfriends/girlfriends around our daughter. Fast forward 6 months to last week. We have not divorced yet and things are far from civil. We have a schedule for our time with our daughter and I pay unordered support to her to help. A couple days ago she informed me that she was talking to a guy she met online a month ago that's deployed. She told me that when he returns next month she is planing on having him move in. I can't really tell her no but it's tearing me up inside. I mean I know we aren't good for eachother it's just hard to hear. I mean she honestly seems very happy and feels that this is gonna work. But she hasn't even hung out with this guy. Just FaceTime and messages I guess.

 

Another thing that gets me is I know exactly what any single guy wants after a deployment. I fear he's just talking her up to get in her pants and then he's out and I don't want to see her get hurt. I mean I shouldn't care and I don't want to but it's just hard to handle seeing as how we are not even divorced yet. What should I do if anything? I'm not even sure I want her back that's why I'm so confused about it all. Help me out and be brutal with your responses. I can handle it. Thanks

Edited April 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[fireflywy]

YouOuch. I cringed when I read this post. You STBX is an absolute monster.

 

I'm glad that you are getting away from this woman as fast as you can but I also know, based on what you said and how many times you kept allowing her back in, that you are having a tremendously hard time letting her go as you are still worried about, to use your language, another man getting into her pants. The truth is though, why is this thought any more difficult then pondering what she has already done?

 

She is not going to stop. She is going to do this again, and again, and again. To quote someone else who responded to me in one of my threads, she's broken guy and she always will be with ANYONE.

As far as wanting her back, I want you to sit down and write a timeline of the future. I want you base it on you past experiences and write it like a movie, pacing her indiscretions into the future as you've already known it.

 

Do something like:

 

"June 2015 We managed to work things out, but she is being secretive. I can't trust her still and I'm always on eggshells. She says she loves me but I'm still working through this. We are still fighting though. I feel blah blah.

 

September, 2015. I had to leave for or she left for such and such training and meeting. I called her today but she didn't answer. Is she out with someone else again? (Write down.how you feel based on what you felt before.)

 

Then project it further...

 

February 2016. Her mother said she saw guy blah blah. Write how you feel."

 

When you've done that, I want you to really describe how you feel knowing that the past is going to be indicative of the future and how much it will hurt in each scenario.

 

I did this today, in my mind anyway, considering how much I already fought for, and how.little she changed and how I always felt and then timelined the future until I finally figured out that my ex would have eventually left me because she is broken with me, or god forbid, going through the hell your STBX is putting you through. Try it.

 

Then, when you've done that, I want you to seriously ask yourself if you think she's going to change or if you want to live that kind of hell.

Edited April 17, 2015 by fireflywy

[fireflywy]

Oh, and this won't help your PTSD. In fact, learning of her daliances while being so far away may have made it worse. I hope you're getting good therapy. If you are, and if you can not have her cheating on you be too damaging, I would recommend fighting for custody of your daughter. She doesn't need to experience her mother going from guy to guy.

[AdnoH]

thanks for the response. It's just hard. I don't even know why I feel this way. We've been seperated for a while now and I have not dreamed about her once but last night I dreamt of her with this new guy. It was terrible. I'm just wondering if this new guy moving in is triggering something in my head to feel this way? Maybe her being happy idk.

 

She's only been talking to this guy for a month or two and she's already having him mive in? Is it jealousy? Me being protective or what. I tell myself everyday that I don't love her but apparently that's not the case. I feel powerless at the moment. As for my daughter I believe that's it's wrong for the ex to be introducing a guy she knows nothing about to my child so soon. I asked her if she could hold off on him moving in until I think he's here to stay for a while. I didn't tell her not to date him just not to introduce my daughter yet.

 

She told me that she's not putting her life on hold for me and in the end she's gonna do what she needs to. So I asked her if I could have my daughter the night he gets back because I don't want my kid around the two of them having sex all night. Her response was and I quote " are you kidding me? No. If I want some dick in gonna get it and I can get it with me daughter in the house. I can multitask." I called her mother for advice ( her and I are very close and we both think it's wrong) and she told me that the ex makes it a point to have my daughter with her when her and the guy Skype!!

 

So now I feel like I'm being replaced as a husband and father. It's maddening. I forgot to mention this is my first marriage and my ex was divorced 2x before she met me. She's 25.

Edited April 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[fireflywy]

I think its just that your wounded and feeling discarded which, when it happens creates anger in us and a sense of "She was mine!" But, she's not. She's a sovereign human being but a severely messed up one. Hell, you should find the thread here titled "worst break up stories" or something similar, (just posted) and read the story of one of the other guys here. You STBX sounds almost as bad and calculating or is on her way there.

 

She's TRYING to hurt you. I think she's doing this because she's a hurt creature herself. Now when I say that, put away any white knight b.s. which will compel you to try and save her. She has been married TWICE before and now to you. Do you really think she's going to be happy? The answer is HELL NO.

 

You compare yourself man.

 

Right now, you have a injustice on you and you FEEL it. You may even think, now that's its happened, that YOU should be the one allowed to feel happy and for her to face her own personal hell for how she treated you. But she, deep down inside, isn't happy with herself and her behavior with all of these people is just her attempt to stare at some flashy new thing to take her mind off of her. Oh she thinks she happy, but it will ALWAYS be fleeting with her.

 

Your focus now should be you daughter. Stop wallowing in this wishy washy b.s. and being worried about the next poor sucker she's trying to mount. That is done and its out of your control.

 

Get your daughter away from her if you can. Fight for custody. However, DON'T use your child as a pawn to try and control her actions. That will just bring misery to your little girl.

[ZiggyZoo]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This would still be happening in your marriage if you were still together too. I absolutely agree with everything fireflywy said. Especially about trying to get custody of your daughter. She needs a stable environment, and if your ex can't be the mature one and realize this and act accordingly, then you're going to have to.

 

I'd suggest, since No Contact isn't an option, going very, very Limited Contact. Like only discussing picking up and dropping off your daughter. Shoot, if her mom is agreeable, see if she'd be the go-between so you wouldn't even have to see her. I think that you knowing about anything else in her life besides your daughter is unnecessary and bad for you. She's going to do what she's going to do, after all.

 

I can understand a little how you feel about the whole "no new people around the daughter" agreement being broken. My ex-husband agreed to something similar, also that I would meet any of his girlfriends before our girls would. However, when I dropped our girls off the first weekend he moved into his new place after our split, there he is with the whore he cheated on me with. I'm a little embarrassed at how badly I lost my sh*t, I called her every name in the book (ha, as a soldier, you probably would've been impressed at some of the creative combinations I came up with) and asked her if she knew he was still married when she started f*cking my husband...oh, it was bad. It didn't come to blows, because I'm a nurse and can't afford to lose my license, but it was close. So yes, I can understand the frustration you're feeling about that. It's a sh*tty thing to do, that's for sure.