Orson Cart Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Hi everybody! The use of 'long term crush' is in itself a reflection of what kind of childish mental attitudes I have towards relationships and I've decided to seek professional help in rewriting my brain to be more normal, but here's my story. I thought I'd post it here because it's fairly anonymous and it might be cathartic to get some advice or likely a stern telling off for being an idiot. I've been strongly attracted to a friend of mine for several years and some time last year I found out she had split up with her husband. Of course I was sad about the break up of the relationship but I developed an unhealthy infatuation with her, spending a lot of time thinking about how to ask her out and winding myself up in knots worrying that she would move on without me. I'm still not sure about how much time it is appropriate to leave before asking out a recently-separated woman but after a few months I asked her out over email. She never replied and when we met up (we see each other fairly regularly) she never mentioned it which at the time I didn't think of as a rejection, I just kept up hope that she would come round. We always had immense fun together when we met up and this would fuel my infatuation further. I asked her out a couple more times after that and I either got nothing or vague replies but still out meetings together were bliss for me. Unfortunately these meetings were promptly followed by what I can only describe of as emotional hangovers when I kept imagining what we would be like as a couple and dropping into despair when I entertained the notion that she wasn't interested. I became seriously depressed at this point and went onto antidepressants, then sent her a big apology email telling her that I would stop asking her out and I was seeking help for my problems. I tried 2 types of antidepressants but I couldn't stand the side effects of the first one and the second one didn't do anything for me even after three months. During this time I was still pining after this girl and although we continued seeing each other as friends and colleagues I still kept fantasising about her when we were apart. Eventually I came off the pills, hoping I could sort myself out in other ways. After another few months of acting like one of those terrible Nice Guys that hang around being friends with women while hoping for more, I started to believe (through piecing together things she'd said to me) that she'd actually been seeing someone else ever since she split up with her husband in the first place. I then sent her another apology email yesterday revealing I'd never gotten over my feelings for her, I was seeking therapy (should hear from them within the next 2 weeks) and I couldn't see her for a while until I got my head straight. I've probably ****ed up any friendship I could have with her now and I know I should have taken her feelings into greater consideration before dropping the bomb. I can't remain NC with her forever as we're both in a singing group that already has gigs booked for this year, but I know that when I do see her my emotions are going to be all over the place. I feel like a proper **** head but I hope that the therapy can help turn me into a normal person instead of the terrible Nice Guy that I have become. Thanks for reading. Any advice/insults/dirty poems?
Zetec Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 In my opinion, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. And don't regret asking her out on a date. That is one of the bravest things you can do! Look at it this way - imagine you had never asked her out - you would have regretted it for the rest of your life because you would have never known if you both had mutual feelings and she was waiting for you to make the first move. It seems though, that she doesn't see you as anything more than a friend - which is nothing to beat yourself up about because it just isn't meant to be. I know its hard to take, but that's one way to look at it. Try and take the positives out of any situation. What would I do? Give her some space, don't contact her for a while. If she knows you are no longer latching on to her every word, hoping for that sign of infatuation, she may feel a bit at ease and want to be your friend again. Don't appear to be that needy, clingy nice guy. When you meet up for the singing thing dont mention the emails, just be yourself, the friend that you are. And please don't send any more apology emails. You have nothing to apologise for in my opinion. There is nothing wrong with being infatuated with someone. You can't control that feeling. She was probably took it as a compliment that you see her that way. Focus on getting yourself back on track. Its good to hear that you have some counseling sessions in the pipeline. Get back to your old self, enjoy the singing, and who knows what the future holds. Your next woman could be just around the corner. Nice guys don't always finish last
Author Orson Cart Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 Thank you Zetec. Over the past few months I've read loads and loads of dating advice websites and self-help books, and the one piece of advice that stands out from all the others is that I have to first love myself and that looking to other people to cure my unhappiness is a big mistake.
ZiggyZoo Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Letting Go of a Relationship?That Doesn?t Exist | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue That's a link to this wonderful blog with a lot of great advice about relationships. She's writing from a female perspective, but switch the pronouns and you'll be fine. I had a crush on a friend a few years ago, and am still cringing at all my not-so-subtle flirting that I would do. This article saved my sanity and my self-respect. I don't think that you have anything to feel badly about though. You asked her out, and sent a follow-up email telling her how you felt. Honestly is never a bad thing, and I don't think you screwed up any possibility of friendship at all. It might be awkward for the first few times you see her again, but I think you'll be fine. If a guy friend of mine had done what you did, I would respect and appreciate his willingness to share his feelings with me. It takes guts to do that.
Zetec Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Thank you Zetec. Over the past few months I've read loads and loads of dating advice websites and self-help books, and the one piece of advice that stands out from all the others is that I have to first love myself and that looking to other people to cure my unhappiness is a big mistake. That is true. I have looked for advice on countless websites and this is the answer that keeps coming up. My counsellor keeps telling me the same thing. Problem is, it's not easy. Especially when you are depressed and all you want to do is shut yourself away in a dark room. How can I love myself, when I hate myself so much at the moment. I hope I find the answer, and I hope that you do too.
ZiggyZoo Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 That is true. I have looked for advice on countless websites and this is the answer that keeps coming up. My counsellor keeps telling me the same thing. Problem is, it's not easy. Especially when you are depressed and all you want to do is shut yourself away in a dark room. How can I love myself, when I hate myself so much at the moment. I hope I find the answer, and I hope that you do too. I struggled with this in the past, and did again with this recent breakup. I learned that you have to really work at it, and feel kind of stupid at first. My therapist made me write three things that I like about myself, or three things I did that day that I was proud of. Then I had to get in front of a mirror and say them to myself three times each. Oh, and they have to be different every day. It really made a difference though, going out of my way to find things about myself that I liked. 1
Jonp219 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 I struggled with this in the past, and did again with this recent breakup. I learned that you have to really work at it, and feel kind of stupid at first. My therapist made me write three things that I like about myself, or three things I did that day that I was proud of. Then I had to get in front of a mirror and say them to myself three times each. Oh, and they have to be different every day. It really made a difference though, going out of my way to find things about myself that I liked. I started doing something similar to this too. But instead of writing 3 things that i'm proud of, I wrote down 3 things that i'm thankful for each day. I also started reading this book called, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. I think that book has totally changed my life. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 I started doing something similar to this too. But instead of writing 3 things that i'm proud of, I wrote down 3 things that i'm thankful for each day. I also started reading this book called, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. I think that book has totally changed my life. I think just the act of deliberately finding positive things about your life is what makes a difference. I had someone tell me to be thankful for all you have as if it would be taken away if you didn't appreciate it. That really stops you and helps you realize how much you DO have going for you.
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