Rbl325 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Hi there Ive been running into some trouble as of late. Im a 22 yr old dude. completely inexperienced in the world of dating and relationships. And im pretty sure i got myself into a difficult situation. I apologize for the long story, but the short version already resulted in some wacky advice^^ So its pretty much like this. Both me and this girl have issues with mental illness. I am busy getting diagnosed for social anxiety, and possibly depression. The first im quite sure about:p The girl in question has actually been diagnosed with AFAIK severe clinical depression. When we started talking online i think there was a strong connection very quickly. Right from the start we began to chat multiple hours a day, everyday. I mean, we can relate to each other very easily since we share alot of bad past experiences. Its been like that for the last 3 weeks. Last friday we met up for quick drink and some chatting. All seemed fine, though obviously we were both kind of nervous. The day after we both concluded things went really well. And she asked me how i wanted to continue. Which is where i told her i'd definitely wanted to go for a date soon again. Her view on that never really came to discussion. Monday i asked her about that. And all of the sudden she started to show doubt. First came the oh so familiar 'lets be friends' talk. After persisting for a better answer she said pretty much she was afraid to hurt me. Now i have heard of instances where a girl is afraid of getting hurt, but the other way around?? Now ive already tried to calm her, and explain that i am well aware of what might happen. But this was quite counterproductive and got her more aggravated. So i suppose i see 4 possibly scenario's. - She simply rejects me in a seemingly polite manner. And i should simply get over it. - She is in fact afraid to hurt me. I should persist in somehow changing her mind. - She is actually afraid of getting hurt herself. And tries to push me away. - She is playing games to test me. And should therefore play along. Any theories from those with more experience in these matters would be very much appreciated! Cause in all 4 scenarios acting the wrong way could be disastrous. Note that i understand many of you would simply walk away with the depression stuff and all. But somehow this does not scare me much.
Dork Vader Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 What in the world is AFIAK? I tried googling it and produced no results related to mental illness. I think went on too google AFIAK mental illness and got nothing. Her mental illness could and is likely playing a some type of role in this. For a better understanding of what is going on I would need a better understanding of her mental illness. That said it seriously sounds like she is not all that interested. When people play hard too get they do not say "I want to be friends". I personally think you are reading far too deep into this. I also think you need too deal with your social anxiety before you attempt to have a relationship. I have/had severe social anxiety. Too try and sum it up briefly it has created a TON of havoc on my dating life and made it nearly impossible to maintain a relationship. How ever there is hope. There are some excellent forms of treatment for Social Anxiety. Your therapist needs to help you first figure out why you have social anxiety then formulate a treatment plan for it. My social anxiety stemmed from Trauma and I did EMDR therapy for it. I also take a few medications now one is for OCD one is for depression and one is a mood stabilize/anti-anxiety med. It has done absolute wonders for my dating life. You need too concentrate on your mental illnesses and get solid treatment going before you consider involving another person in your life. It also sounds like you may have come on too strong. This will cause a woman to put the brakes on and say woah! I don't want too hurt this guy I don't know if I like him that much. My advice too you is back off (way off) and take the relationship for what it is. If she continues to hang out with you and go on dates with you then let it happen on it's own. There is no need to push for the next date, labels or the where is this going nonsense. Let it go some place on it's own and enjoy the ride.
Author Rbl325 Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 Dork vader. Thanks for your response. Afaik would stand for "as far as i know". Sometimes i wish i wouldn't pick up on internet slang. I humbly apologize for the misunderstanding. I think it might be important to note that it wasn't really me that was coming off strong. But rather her. Though i enjoy the intense contact just as much. It was mainly she who initiated it as such. Since i had an unpleasant experience when just new to the online dating thing. I have been really careful not to come off to strong, and let her decide tempo. Now what you say about treatment certainly has truth in it. I'l actually be starting CBT in 2 or so weeks. And perhaps it isn't wise to pursue romance at this time. Yet somehow i cant shake the impression that there is a chance for something good here. I guess its what you call being infatuated. Something i haven't experienced as such before. What you say about better understanding her illness. I'm pretty sure it wouldnt be nice to spill someone elses problems on the internet n all^^ But i suppose the root of her issues are partly the same as mine. Bullying, Goodness being misused. betrayal by friends.
loveweary11 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 People with mental illness are afraid of hurting those they care about. She probably genuinely likes you and knows that when she goes off the deep end, she'll ignire you, lash out at you or dump you. She is telling the truth. 2
spiderowl Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Whenever I've been afraid to hurt someone, it is because they are a nice guy but I don't think I'll feel enough attraction to them for it to be anything but a short-term fling. I might think it would be nice to spend time with him and to have some loving attention, but I'd worry he might fall in love and expect more or be hurt. It would be a genuine worry because I know at that point I don't foresee that I would fall in love with him. Basically, if you want more than friendship with this girl and think you could cope with just being a short-term fling, then you can try and persuade her to have a fling with you, but don't expect her to want a committed relationship or to stay with you long-term. 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 AFAIK = as far as I know, although it does seem a letter was transposed. As for metal illness, I don't think there's a "right way", But what can you do other than believe what they say? If she says she wants to be friends and she doesn't want to hurt you, As spiderowl & loveweary mentioned, it's most likely true, They probably have no feelings and don't want your heart to sting, So don't mind it too much, but don't get attached, keep it a fling!
Gary S Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 First came the oh so familiar 'lets be friends' talk. . - It means she came to the realization she was not attracted to you. After persisting for a better answer she said pretty much she was afraid to hurt me. . - Because you did not understand what she meant by "just friends", she made up a whopper of an excuse to get you off her back.
Buddhist Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Out of all those options the first one is the only sane one to consider. You can't change someone's mind for them, they have to do that for themselves. She could be afraid of hurt on both sides but what that boils down to is that she doesn't have the emotional energy to handle a relationship right now. She is telling you point blank that she needs her time, energy and resources for herself. Which is exactly what I would expect from someone with severe clinical depression. And to be honest, throwing a relationship in on top of that would be a very unwise thing to do. She needs to get well as her first priority. I really doubt she is playing games. More likely she is trying to tell you in a roundabout way that she just can't handle this right now. Depressed people aren't known to be spectacularly assertive and forthright. They are consumed with self and their own thoughts and feelings. She's got nothing to give but doesn't want to out right tell you that.
regine_phalange Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 She's either scared that she won't be a good partner for you or that you'll bring her down. I have depressive tendencies and I want someone who won't be critical of me, or a whiner. I want someone in whose presence I feel calm and warm. Someone I can trust. Someone who won't put pressure on me to "perform" in the relationship. If you really like her, be these things to her, and when she feels comfortable she'll crawl out of her shell.
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