What's your ideal dating frequency?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Once a week is a relationship killer to me,

Dating each other, well then maybe that I could see,

If you want things to go any further than dating,

1x a week I could grow to see myself hating.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Wow.. You're still @ 1-2x a week after 6 months? I'd say that's your indicator that it's not progressing quickly. However if people have normal libido's, I don't know how they could be OK with sex 1-2x a week.

 

I wouldn't mind it being more often, but he has health issues which kind of dictates our dating frequency.

 

On the other hand, once a week is cool because I make a huge production of it…planning outfit, getting hair and nails did, new makeup, what we're going to eat, what we are going to watch…and the anticipation of great sex.

 

If I saw him every other day, it wouldn't be as exciting.

[fitnessfan365]

I wouldn't mind it being more often, but he has health issues which kind of dictates our dating frequency.

 

On the other hand, once a week is cool because I make a huge production of it…planning outfit, getting hair and nails did, new makeup, what we're going to eat, what we are going to watch…and the anticipation of great sex.

 

If I saw him every other day, it wouldn't be as exciting.

 

I gotta say Pumpkin, it doesn't sound like you're fully into the guy. I mean I don't doubt you enjoy his company. But if the sex is as great as you say, and you were fully into him, you'd want to spend more time with him as the months passed wouldn't you? I mean after a certain point, just being with someone is exciting enough, and the "dating exciting" starts to become less important.

 

Granted, that does sound great with you putting the effort into your appearance, etc.. But still, sex once a week, especially if it's great sex, is almost worse than not having it at all IMO. Based on what I know about your lifestyle, workout habits, and feminine demeanor, sex only once a week would be torture..LOL However, you do say he has health problems. Although since you're so active and health conscious, I'm surprised that you're not dating a healthier guy.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

:laugh::laugh:

 

I BUSTED up laughing with you saying you're independent and can do things for yourself once and awhile. The only type of "infidelity" I encourage is when a woman uses her BOB. Also, now that you've included that it's an average of 3x per week where you sometimes see each other more to make up for it, that's cool. But always keeping it at 3x a week every single week, seemed a bit low.

 

I'm actually dealing with a date frequency concern right now with my GF. Since we're still somewhat new, I've been cool keeping it at 2x a week. But as the relationship evolves you want to spend more time. So I brought up increasing to 3x a week which she seemed happy about originally. Then last night when we were talking about it more, she said that she's not sure if she can EVER give me more than 2x a week.

 

So now I'm questioning long term compatibility. That's why I am going to talk to her more about it over the weekend and feel her out. On one hand, I get that you can't tell the future and you need to take it week by week. But I also know that sex 2x a week on a long term basis isn't enough for me. I mean I'd honestly be better off just being friends with her and being single.

 

I would take that as a red flag. She's not sure if she can "ever" spend time with you more than TWICE a WEEK? Maybe she just told you that now because - your togetherness is still new. But, I'd keep an eye on that from this point onward. If like, 2 or 3 months down the road, she still only wants to spend time with you twice a week...then um, I'd say either her interest in you was way low, or, she has wayyy too many obligations and she just chooses not to make room in her "busy" life for the man in her life - YOU.

 

And yeah, having sex just twice a week while in the early and mid stages of (what should be and is supposed to be) a happy and crazy-about-each other relationship would be unacceptable to me. That's not enough time and frequency to develop a physical and emotional bond with each other. Hopefully this weekend, she'll understand where you're coming from and she'll be able (and WILLING) to balance her busy life with spending time with (and giving attention and affection to) you. Let us know how it turns out in the weeks/months to come.

 

 

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[Phoe]

Just wanted to make sure you read that it pertains to a long term relationship and not casual dating. BTW - No judgement either way, but do you have kind of a low sex drive? Being OK with once a week in a relationship doesn't exactly scream "libido". So I'm genuinely curious if it's because your sex drive is low or if you're just extremely busy in general.

 

Yeah, I read it right, I just made my statement based on the "not living together" part. When people live separately, have to commute, have separate lives that need maintaining, seeing each other very frequently can sometimes get taxing. My ex wanted to see me nearly everyday, and it got difficult with both of us working different hours, scrambling to come over after work, spend time being dead tired, then hurry home to get ready for bed for work in the morning... I knew that it really just would've been so much easier on us if on the days when seeing each other is a scramble, we just went home instead and maybe had a little skype session before bed, to say goodnight.

 

And I actually have an out of control sex drive. I would have sex multiple times a day if I could. But life makes that a bit difficult when people don't live together or at least VERY close to each other. If I were in a relationship and lived with the man, if he were up to it, I would have sex every day.

[Phoe]

And I've only dated a handful of men, so I know I don't have a lot of experience to go off of in making my statements.

 

But I do think 3 is a good number to aim for. Understandably it can vary from week to week based on different circumstances. Some weeks will be less than others and that's okay.

[fitnessfan365]

I would take that as a red flag. She's not sure if she can "ever" spend time with you more than TWICE a WEEK? Maybe she just told you that now because - your togetherness is still new. But, I'd keep an eye on that from this point onward. If like, 2 or 3 months down the road, she still only wants to spend time with you twice a week...then um, I'd say either her interest in you was way low, or, she has wayyy too many obligations and she just chooses not to make room in her "busy" life for the man in her life - YOU.

 

And yeah, having sex just twice a week while in the early and mid stages of (what should be and is supposed to be) a happy and crazy-about-each other relationship would be unacceptable to me. That's not enough time and frequency to develop a physical and emotional bond with each other. Hopefully this weekend, she'll understand where you're coming from and she'll be able (and WILLING) to balance her busy life with spending time with (and giving attention and affection to) you. Let us know how it turns out in the weeks/months to come.

 

 

.

 

Well she does have a lot on her plate. She lives with her mom and disabled older sister to take care of them financially. Has to be up @ 5am Mon-Fri and has four hours worth of commute to and from work via Cal Train. So she doesn't usually get home from work until at least 7pm. Not to mention the fact that she needs time for her own life, her fitness goals, etc.. So I definitely sympathize with it.

 

I think the problem is that she assumed I'd always be fine with 2x a week. Up until now, I was fine with that. I've been enjoying taking it slower, having sex somewhat infrequently, etc.. Since I care about her, it's been my way of letting her adjust to being in a relationship. However, it was always my intention to gradually increase the frequency after her birth control finalized and sex started happening more regularly. So now when I suggested 3x a week to start, all of a sudden it's dawning on her with everything that's going on in her life, that she'll have to start finding extra time.

 

If she's OK with coming over 1-2x a week just for pop-in's in addition to longer days 2x a week, that is fine with me. But if she only wants to have sex on those longer days, then it will be a problem. However, in my experience when women feel put on the spot, they give the 'There's no way I can give you an answer right now and we'll just have to see how it goes" speech. If that happens, I will break up with her, because I don't waste my time on uncertainty when I'm in a relationship.

Edited April 16, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[BluEyeL]

We meet 5x/week at this point, but didn't start that way, it went: 1x for 2 months, than 2x for another month, then 3x and then 4 and finally 5x (we've been dating about 10 months). I think 4x/week would be a bit better, I sometimes feel I'm falling behind on things I need to do.

[clia]

We were at around two days (occasionally three) a week for the first six months, then went up to three days a week until we moved in together at around the year and a half mark.

 

I also think it's kind of rude that you are judging people's sex lives just because they happen to see their significant other more infrequently than you would like in your life.

[fitnessfan365]

It reminds me of an old GF. Due to both our schedules, we could only see each other 3x a week. For awhile, it wasn't an issue because we had amazing sex every time we were together.

 

But then she started doing badly a work, her parents were riding her all the time, and her friends were always being demanding of her time. So then her libido started disappearing. Some weeks, it would be once. Other weeks not at all. I gave her space, planned more public dates, would just focus on kissing and foreplay, etc.. However, it just never got any better. On her end, she started to feel pressure of having sex every time we saw each other. On my end, she had four other days to decompress, and we only saw each other 3x a week. So wanting to have sex 3x a week isn't unreasonable IMO. That's why we started to be at an impass, and why we eventually broke up. Drama in her life that had nothing to do with us, was effecting our relationship and since it wasn't going to change anytime soon, I ended it.

[MissBee]

When you're in a serious relationship, how many days per week do you like to spend with them assuming you're not living together?

 

I'm independent and like my space. So even when things get serious, I don't feel the need to have to see a woman every single day. Starting out I keep it at 2x a week when things are new. Then as it gets more serious I gradually like increasing to 4x a week. I think 4x a week is great because you get to see each other regularly enough and have a full sex life, while still allowing each other the space to lead separate lives with friends, hobbies, family, etc.. Granted, the concept of daily sex is awesome. Still though, I think that space is healthy and keeps people excited and invested instead of getting burned out on each other.

 

3-4 times a week minimum, any less and I'd feel like we're not even in a relationship or like it's long distance.

 

In my relationships that's been standard and it also fluctuates. Some weeks we see each other everyday including ongoing sleepovers, some times this goes on for two weeks straight and in other weeks it's just 3-4 times a week or if it's hectic 2 or 3 times.

 

I also need space sometimes and I don't stop having a life or friends, but when you do enjoy their company I find that it's automatic that I want to see them more often.

[fitnessfan365]

We were at around two days (occasionally three) a week for the first six months, then went up to three days a week until we moved in together at around the year and a half mark.

 

I also think it's kind of rude that you are judging people's sex lives just because they happen to see their significant other more infrequently than you would like in your life.

 

I'm not judging and it has nothing to do with me. Just making an observation on the numbers. I'll be the first to say that sex frequency, has nothing to do with the quality of sex two people are having. Two people could be having earth shattering sex once a week. However, if both people are fine with 1-2x a week, then their libido probably isn't very high. That's not necessarily a bad thing if they're fine with it. But people with higher libido's want to see their partner and have sex more often.

[BluEyeL]

I don't think you're into her, or you wouldn't think of breaking up with her over not having sex more than 2x/week, when you know what type of life she leads and you knew her situation from the beginning. What did you think then? That she'd change her commute time 3 months into the relationship with you?

 

IMO sex 2x/week is just fine when you don't live together. But if you want more, wait until you two move in together and you can have it every day. If you were into her you'd get it, but I think you're more into having sex n times/week. It does sound like an excuse to break up. It's pretty typical of a guy who doesn't want long term commitment. Break up over something that was there from the beginning. If you wanted to be with her long term, you'd know that eventually you'll be able to have as much sex as you want and you'd make it work because the relationship itself would be a priority. You'd know that at some point you'll have all your life ahead to be completely sexed up.

Edited April 17, 2015 by BluEyeL

[Phoe]

I'm not judging and it has nothing to do with me. Just making an observation on the numbers. I'll be the first to say that sex frequency, has nothing to do with the quality of sex two people are having. Two people could be having earth shattering sex once a week. However, if both people are fine with 1-2x a week, then their libido probably isn't very high. That's not necessarily a bad thing if they're fine with it. But people with higher libido's want to see their partner and have sex more often.

 

Just because someone isn't having sex doesn't mean they don't have a libido.

[fitnessfan365]

I don't think you're into her, or you wouldn't think of breaking up with her over not having sex more than 2x/week, when you know what type of life she leads and you knew her situation from the beginning. What did you think then? That she'd change her commute time 3 months into the relationship with you?

 

IMO sex 2x/week is just fine when you don't live together. But if you want more, wait until you two move in together and you can have it every day. If you were into her you'd get it, but I think you're more into having sex n times/week. It does sound like an excuse to break up. It's pretty typical of a guy who doesn't want long term commitment. Break up over something that was there from the beginning. If you wanted to be with her long term, you'd know that eventually you'll be able to have as much sex as you want and you'd make it work because the relationship itself would be a priority. You'd know that at some point you'll have all your life ahead to be completely sexed up.

 

Haha.. Yeah I'm only in it for sex.

 

- Agreed to be exclusive before I had it with her.

- After we started having it, I planned public dates and dropped her off with just a kiss good night

- We agreed to wait to have sex again until her birth control finalizes which means that I will have been waiting three weeks by then. Once again, I agreed willingly.

 

So do my actions honestly seem like I don't care about her or that I am solely motivated by sex? However, I am also a realist and am thinking about LONG TERM compatibility. She told me that she's not sure if she can EVER give me more than 2x a week. So while you may consider sex 2x a week fine in the long term, I don't. All that means is that I have a higher libido than you do, and that's OK because everyone is different.

 

Also, it's completely possible for two people to really care about each other and really want to be together. But they aren't a good fit because of life style difference, libido difference, schedule differences, etc.. It's no one's fault, it just happens. But it doesn't mean you care about the person any less. It just means that you don't want to settle.

 

Just because someone isn't having sex doesn't mean they don't have a libido.

 

Fair enough. This especially applies to all the people that aren't single by choice..LOL However, if two people are in a relationship and don't have a problem with 1-2x a week, in a lot of cases it's most likely because their libido is on the lower side. Of course there are exceptions where two people just can't because of busy lives, etc.. Still though, when two people are determined to see each other and have sex, they make it happen.

Edited April 17, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Well she does have a lot on her plate. She lives with her mom and disabled older sister to take care of them financially. Has to be up @ 5am Mon-Fri and has four hours worth of commute to and from work via Cal Train. So she doesn't usually get home from work until at least 7pm. Not to mention the fact that she needs time for her own life, her fitness goals, etc.. So I definitely sympathize with it.

 

Knowing what little I know of you (just from reading most of your threads and posts here), I'm very surprised that you'd date and become emotionally (and sexually) invested in a woman like your GF, who has a whole freakin' BUFFET of obligations on her plate! It's cool that you empathize with her situation...but, you didn't honestly think that her hectic life pace would change anytime soon just to meet your emotional and sexual expectations, did you? Taking care of TWO family members financially and physically PLUS having a daily 4 hour commute to and from work barely leaves time for her to live her own life, let alone trying to work you into the mix so that she can satisfy her mom, her disabled sibling, her boss, herself...AND you.

 

 

I think the problem is that she assumed I'd always be fine with 2x a week. Up until now, I was fine with that. I've been enjoying taking it slower, having sex somewhat infrequently, etc.. Since I care about her, it's been my way of letting her adjust to being in a relationship. However, it was always my intention to gradually increase the frequency after her birth control finalized and sex started happening more regularly. So now when I suggested 3x a week to start, all of a sudden it's dawning on her with everything that's going on in her life, that she'll have to start finding extra time.

 

Actually...I think YOU were the one who assumed that the sexual frequency of this relationship would increase within a short period of time (even though you knew going in that she had all of these familial, career and personal life obligations); and I think now it's suddenly dawning on YOU that your GF is going to have to start finding some extra time to squeeze you into her life...somewhere.

 

 

 

If she's OK with coming over 1-2x a week just for pop-in's in addition to longer days 2x a week, that is fine with me. But if she only wants to have sex on those longer days, then it will be a problem. However, in my experience when women feel put on the spot, they give the 'There's no way I can give you an answer right now and we'll just have to see how it goes" speech. If that happens, I will break up with her, because I don't waste my time on uncertainty when I'm in a relationship.

 

I doubt she'll be able to find extra time once or twice during the week to pop-in at your place for a quickie; it's just too haphazard, especially when she's having to care for a disabled person. I mean, she may be able to do that once or twice a month, but even then, that wouldn't really be enough for you, would it? If so, then maybe your plan may work out for both of you after all.

 

Also, the fact that you're so quick to break up with her over something that you KNEW would be a potential issue when you started this relationship is making me wonder just how much you are/were emotionally invested in her. I realize how much sexual intimacy is an important aspect of a relationship just as compromise and consideration is. A word of advice: next time, before you enter into a relationship with a woman, make sure her life isn't so complicated or too cluttered with obligations or situations that you won't be able to accept or deal with daily or weekly. Especially with your high libido, you're going to want to be with a woman in a LTR who has the TIME and inclination to be sexually intimate with you often and on a regular basis.

 

 

.

[BluEyeL]

I still think you're not into her. Not that you don't care about her, I care about a lot of people, but it doesn't mean I want to be in a long term relationship with them.

 

I maintain that these "issues" were there from the beginning. It doesn't mean that you are just after sex, just that you're simply not into her, period. In which case, of course you need to break up. Just no need to justify it. You dated, you tried it and you don't see her as the one, nothing wrong with that. You don't owe anyone anything. Just don't justify it with stuff that you knew about when you started seeing her.

[Gary S]

I still think you're not into her.

 

LOL, he's not into anybody, he's a player!

[SunnySide0418]

That's the thing though. We are truly committed, and exclusive. She's my GF and I treat her as such. Like I said, I agreed to be exclusive before we had sex. Then since we started having it, I've planned multiple public dates where I picked her up, and then afterwards dropped her off at her place with just a kiss good night. Also, when she said she wanted to wait a bit to go on birth control to not effect her cycle, which puts the next time we have sex at the beginning of May, I was fine with it.

 

So if it was only about sex for me, I wouldn't be doing everything I have been. However, once her birth control finalizes and sex starts to happen on a more regular occurrence, only having it 2x a week isn't enough for me. I'd rather just be friends and go back to being single.

 

That's why I think it would be a good compromise for her to be OK with 1-2x a week of her popping by for an hour or two, and a few times a week of longer days and actual dates like we've been doing.

 

 

I wonder why she said all she may ever be able to give you is 2x a week. Is she really busy? How long have you guys been dating?

[katiegrl]

I wonder why she said all she may ever be able to give you is 2x a week. Is she really busy? How long have you guys been dating?

 

Lol, doesn't sound like SHE is all that into him either!

[writergal]

From everything I've read in your thread OP, your relationship doesn't sound ideal for either you or your girlfriend. It sounds like you have to make more compromises than she does, which doesn't seem fair to you at all. It doesn't seem like a very balanced relationship as far as meeting each other's needs equally.

[Sunfire73]

I stay over Wednesday, Friday and Saturday nights. I leave around noon weekends.

[katiegrl]

Before my bf and I moved in together, we rarely, if ever, saw each other during the week.. Almost three years!

 

Reason being, I was working full-time and going to school three nights per week, and then there was homework , a sick mom, and "me" time!

 

I would usually head over to his place Friday after work, and would leave Sunday evening or sometimes early Monday morn.

 

We missed each other like crazy, and yes he has a tremendously high libido god knows, but he NEVER even considered breaking up with me because he needed sex more often than was possible at that time.... that is absolutely ludicrous!

 

That is NOT what you do when you are crazy about someone and care about them.

 

Seeing me on the weekend was the highlight of his life....as it was for me too. It was a very very *exciting* time for both of us!

 

During the week, we would chat and Skype sometimes until late ...he has a hand (if you get my drift) and used it quite often while we were *chatting* (wink wink).. He often times got off .... just from the sound of my voice!

 

Not the preferred method of course, but that's the way it was, so you make the best of what you've got...you don't just bail. Assuming of course you are both genuinely "into" each other... for the right reasons.

 

Then when we got together on the weekend...it was like freaking fireworks!! :bunny:

[fitnessfan365]

^^^^

 

Hmm.. Sexual chatting during the week plus three straight days a week of sex on demand Fri - Mon morning. Sounds like more than enough to get both your needs met. Explain to me how that even remotely relates 2x a week with 3-4 days in between?

 

BTW - I'm extremely disappointed in how judgemental you're being Katie when you don't know what my relationship is like, what the situation is, or everything I've done to show my GF that I care about her.

[regine_phalange]

2 to 4 times a week is great. I'm the kind of person who needs space, no matter how much I like someone.