polynomial Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 This struck a chord with me because I've been through something similar with my first boyfriend, so I thought I'd offer you my insight. Ok, so my ex was also a super busy man, also starting his own business, realising his dreams etc. So I *know* fullwell just exactly how frustrating it can be when your partner doesn't have time for you but you want answers. And the more they give you the "I'm busy" line, the more frustrated you get, eventhough you know you're suppose to be supportive etc instead. However.. And this is what I've learned now.. Put yourself in his shoes. You know he's very busy, probably putting crazy hours under his business. He really really does not have time for all of this right now. And now he has a girlfriend who is whining. He can see you're unhappy and that makes him unhappy and discontent, but he doesn't have the means to make you happy, because he has to put all those hours in. So that leaves him with two choices: you or his business, which is more important to him? And honey, I'm sorry, but if this is his dream, he will not choose you. And to be honest, even if you were not whining (sorry I call it whining, honestly, I don't mean anything bad, I'm much guilty of this myself, so I'm not judging), he would still probably feel guilty for not having time for you and end it sooner or later. Well, that's how me and my ex's story went. I got kicked out and he was left alone to pursue his dreams. Granted, now after 1.5 years I found out he had quit his business and will move back to his hometown. I have to admit, it stinged A LOT. That I wasn't important enough to change him and that the change had to come within himself. Or that he just failed. Doesn't matter. It was probably for the best. Yes, I'm still left with all the "What if I'd been more patient and understanding, would we still be together" etc etc. But the fact is, in THAT moment, I did what I had to do. I wasn't happy, I kept showing him that and he made his choices. Well, I got stuck now. Don't really know what advice to give you.. Maybe let the dust settle for a while and really think about this from his perspective. And see what happens.
Els Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 When you say he 'barely talks to you', what exactly are your expectations and on the other hand what does he do? Are you expecting to talk for hours every single day, or are you expecting something like 15 minutes a day and he cannot even do that? If the former, I would say that you probably have unrealistic expectations of a LDR. If the latter, you were being completely reasonable and the break up is entirely on him. NOBODY is so busy that they are unable to spend 15 minutes a day talking to the one they love for 4 months straight. And I say this as the partner of someone with a very demanding job. Chances are that you just weren't a priority to him. At least you won't have to waste time and money on a dead end at this stage, and can move on.
Author C0nfused1980 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Thanks everyone for replying. I was expecting 15 minutes of his time everyday and a longer conversation once a week or so. He wasn't like this throughout the 4 months that he's been gone, just the last 3-4 weeks and it really got to me. I think I would have handled it better if his attitude had been different about it all but I don't know, that's easy to say now. Unfortunately, right now, I am full of regret. I wish I hadn't lost my temper with him and had waited to talk to him when I went to see him. Honestly, and this will make me sound silly, I wish none of this had happened at all. I don't want this relationship to be over and I'm really struggling with coming to terms with that right now. I know I will get over it in time and I will meet other people and all of that - I guess I just don't actually want to let go yet. I am still sitting here (like an idiot) hoping he will change his mind. We are both at fault here, I don't think just one of us caused this and knowing the major role that I played in the situation as well, just fills me with sadness and regret - honestly I am not even angry at all because I get what happened. Just really really sad and struggling with giving up all hope.
polynomial Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Give it few days for both of you to cool down, maybe he'll change his mind?
Katelinn Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Thanks everyone for replying. I was expecting 15 minutes of his time everyday and a longer conversation once a week or so. He wasn't like this throughout the 4 months that he's been gone, just the last 3-4 weeks and it really got to me. I think I would have handled it better if his attitude had been different about it all but I don't know, that's easy to say now. Unfortunately, right now, I am full of regret. I wish I hadn't lost my temper with him and had waited to talk to him when I went to see him. Honestly, and this will make me sound silly, I wish none of this had happened at all. I don't want this relationship to be over and I'm really struggling with coming to terms with that right now. . You weren't expecting much. Don't blame yourself. I have had these kinds of regrets before, too. It's like oh, if I had just jumped a little higher for him... stop jumping at all. You don't have to. When you start feeling this desperation, you really have to take a big step back. Who knows if he is going to calm talk and have a more reasoned discussion. Possibly. Often people, when left to themselves calm down and rethink. For you the best thing is to take care of you. Occupy yourself and set this feeling aside that you have of only if, only if. Sometimes I make little agreements with myself.. "I will do other things for a few days while my head and feelings calm down, then I will decide a way forward." Those minutes and hours and days can just drag right on, too. Regardless of anything, you need time to allow your own self to calm.
preraph Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Look, the bigger problem is his, and he wasn't going to change. He wasn't concerned about keeping you, so he didn't even try even when he knew it was dealbreaker time. There is just no point in being with someone who doesn't really give a crap about you and finds you disposable like that. It's not your fault. I mean, what are you supposed to learn from it, that you can never speak your mind or say when you need something from the relationship? I don't think so.
Author C0nfused1980 Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 Maybe (hopefully) I will see what you guys are saying in a few days. For now, I seem to be stuck in that shock/denial/panic stage and I am just all over the place. Trying to calm down and think clearly but the panic is taking over and it's not good. I'm really struggling coming to terms with this and actually getting to a place where I can try to let go. At least I am not in touch with him so he doesn't know all this - my one saving grace!!
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 Update - He came to see me for two days, he literally couldn't take more time off from work (as I mentioned before he's going through a really stressful time with that). We talked, we hung out, we really had a fabulous weekend together and got back together (officially, no fwb). I am so happy but still so shaken by this whole thing. He is as well. We had a really honest talk and the basic conclusion was that we both truly love each other and enjoy each other's company but the distance is very hard for us. Also, we both were reluctant to really commit to a future together.. more of a let's see what happens. I sort of feel like we're back together for now and will enjoy the good times while they last but perhaps we are too incompatible for it to actually work and a final breakup will happen at some point. Maybe I'm wrong and just rattled by the recent issues. I don't know, very very confused right now.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Update - He came to see me for two days, he literally couldn't take more time off from work (as I mentioned before he's going through a really stressful time with that). We talked, we hung out, we really had a fabulous weekend together and got back together (officially, no fwb). I am so happy but still so shaken by this whole thing. He is as well. We had a really honest talk and the basic conclusion was that we both truly love each other and enjoy each other's company but the distance is very hard for us. Also, we both were reluctant to really commit to a future together.. more of a let's see what happens. I sort of feel like we're back together for now and will enjoy the good times while they last but perhaps we are too incompatible for it to actually work and a final breakup will happen at some point. Maybe I'm wrong and just rattled by the recent issues. I don't know, very very confused right now. I think the important thing here is to ask what you and he are going to change to make it work this time. If you haven't agreed to specific changes, it won't work.
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