LoneWolf5493 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 This girl friendzoned me a little while ago. In spite, i told her, i don't accept the friendship and that she had the option of contacting me in the future if she ever changed her mind. In part, it was true; but how i brought it forward was inauthentic and spiteful. It was done with hatred, and not love. Since then, i've felt guilty over it. Not guilty over declining her gift of friendship, but guilty about how i handled the whole thing; how i conducted myself. I did it out of hatred, and spite because she denied me what I longed for. I still don't accept the friendship, but the way i treated her was uncalled for. I can't help how she feels about me, but i can help how i feel about the situation; how i treat her. I was butt-hurt, and my ego was wounded, and she didn't deserve how i treated her. No one does. My question to all you out there. I want to apologise for my behaviour, but after so long, I'm not sure if it is feesible. Note that i'm not wanting to accept the friendship, but wanting to apologise for how i conducted myself. The undeserved hurt that I put her through, just because feelings weren't mutual. But, is it right?
BC1980 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Two questions, 1. How long ago did this happen? 2. What exactly did you do that was so bad? Specifically, what did you do?
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 Two questions, 1. How long ago did this happen? 2. What exactly did you do that was so bad? Specifically, what did you do? 1. This happened beginning of the year. I've been fighting the urge to contact her and have pretty much moved on, but i've always had this guilt, or rather, internal resistance about how i handled it. 2. Me denying her friendship: It's not what was said, but how i said it. It was selfish and inauthentic. I was angry because my pride had been stepped on, hopes destroyed and ego wounded. It wasn't done from a place of love, but rather a place of hatred and resentment. After that, i treated her like a second class citizen. I ignored her when we worked together, as though she didn't exist. She tried for my attention, but I shrugged it away like a fleck of dirt. I know she did that to me when she denied my romantic interest and friendzoned me, but no matter how bad a person treats you, they don't deserve to be ignored or shunned. And she didn't treat me badly, she was always sweet and kind, but i stepped on that, just because the feelings weren't reciprocated. I can't force her to accept my invitation, and i don't accept hers. But that doesn't mean it was right for me to treat her like she was nothing. At the time, i was merely repeating words from someone who gave me advice, it wasn't my own. It was done to manipulate her, and only for my own selfish reasons. "This'll get her to fall for me," I thought. However, since then, i've learnt the meaning of those words, which at the time i had missed, and have realized that they weren't authentic when i shared them with her. That is what i regret. 1
BC1980 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 If I'm reading this correctly, you are apologizing for ignoring her in an attempt to win her back. You don't need to apologize for that. In fact, I think that you want to apologize in an attempt to open the door again with her. Why do you need to apologize because you did something when you were hurt? Why does she need to know that? Those are your feelings to work out. She has nothing to do with them anymore. Here is how your apology would go: "I'm sorry that I ignored you because I did that in an attempt to win you back. However, I'm going to continue to ignore you because I don't want to be friends." I work with my ex, and I ignore him anytime I see him. Yes, I've had times when I felt bad about that, but, ultimately, it's about keeping boundaries intact. He's not a part of my life, and I don't need to share the details of my feelings with him. He doesn't need to be privy to that anymore.
BC1980 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 After that, i treated her like a second class citizen. I ignored her when we worked together, as though she didn't exist. She tried for my attention, but I shrugged it away like a fleck of dirt. I view those actions are keeping boundaries intact. As long as you didn't say something rude to her or bad mouth her around the office, what's the problem? As long as you are professional, you don't need to have any small talk with her. It's difficult to work with an ex. You're going to need to be very strong if you intend to keep working with her. She is not your friend. She is a coworker, and, unless she has work business to discuss with you, then you don't talk to her.
mightycpa Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Here is how your apology would go: "I'm sorry that I ignored you because I did that in an attempt to win you back. However, I'm going to continue to ignore you because I don't want to be friends." I work with my ex, and I ignore him anytime I see him. Yes, I've had times when I felt bad about that, but, ultimately, it's about keeping boundaries intact. He's not a part of my life, and I don't need to share the details of my feelings with him. He doesn't need to be privy to that anymore. I don't see anything wrong with it, as long as this is truly an attempt to right a wrong. Mine might go like this: Matilda, I just wanted to come by and talk to you about the way I acted when I last spoke to you. I know my words were harsh, and that has been bothering me, so I want to apologize. I'm sorry. That said, I'm not apologizing for what I did. I like you a lot, and I find it more than difficult to be your friend or to work with you. I can't do that. The only way I can be around you is to ignore you, and I'm going to keep on doing that until it doesn't bother me anymore. But that was no excuse to say the things I did, so I just wanted to let you know. Or, if you're close to being over her, you may want to save it for when you don't care anymore. 1
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 (edited) If I'm reading this correctly, you are apologizing for ignoring her in an attempt to win her back. You don't need to apologize for that. In fact, I think that you want to apologize in an attempt to open the door again with her. Why do you need to apologize because you did something when you were hurt? Why does she need to know that? Those are your feelings to work out. She has nothing to do with them anymore. Here is how your apology would go: "I'm sorry that I ignored you because I did that in an attempt to win you back. However, I'm going to continue to ignore you because I don't want to be friends." I work with my ex, and I ignore him anytime I see him. Yes, I've had times when I felt bad about that, but, ultimately, it's about keeping boundaries intact. He's not a part of my life, and I don't need to share the details of my feelings with him. He doesn't need to be privy to that anymore. I appreciate your time and advice Likewise with me, she is no longer a part of my life. That is what she chose, and i accept that. However, it doesn't mean i should treat her any less than the strangers i greet while shopping or taking the dog for a walk, or even my fellow colleagues. I don't have to vomit all my feelings to her, but pretending that she doesn't exist... that does nobody any good. There is enough hatred and resentment in the world, and like me, she has her own problems to contend with. Last thing i need to do is become another hater and jerk towards her just because she couldn't, or wouldn't, give me what i wanted. It wasn't me ignoring her that i regret, or declining the friendship. It was the motive behind it, the inauthenticity of my words and actions, that i regret. They weren't honest, loving or sincere. They were said out of spite. Sure, i ignored her in the hopes it would raise interest and/or attraction, but I did it to manipulate her. Pretty much it was like "fine, you don't want to return my feelings, then take that", instead of "If you don't feel the same way about me, I accept that. I love you, I adore you, but my interest in you isn't platonic. If you change your mind, you're welcome to call me, but until then, we'll have to part ways." Breaking up with someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving them, or even accept the break up. It just means that each party's goals, wants, values and needs are no longer aligned. But instead of walking away and leaving her with the feeling of love, i left her with the feeling of hurt and betrayal. The feeling of being undesirable or unloved. Authentic love is unconditional and means accepting the other person for who they are, not what you want them to be. I don't have to accept her friendship, and i won't. I also won't force her to change her mind about us. But the least i could have done, is leave her with the feeling of love. But i won't lie either... I wouldn't deny the opportunity to try again with her. Edited April 16, 2015 by LoneWolf5493
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 I don't see anything wrong with it, as long as this is truly an attempt to right a wrong. Mine might go like this: Or, if you're close to being over her, you may want to save it for when you don't care anymore. Would you do it in person? I don't know if I can see her, and the only means of contact with her is facebook. Though i do know it'll be more sincere to do it face-to-face. But i'm not ready yet to see her.... even bumping into her at the shops will be too much...
BC1980 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I appreciate your time and advice Likewise with me, she is no longer a part of my life. That is what she chose, and i accept that. However, it doesn't mean i should treat her any less than the strangers i greet while shopping or taking the dog for a walk, or even my fellow colleagues. I don't have to vomit all my feelings to her, but pretending that she doesn't exist... that does nobody any good. There is enough hatred and resentment in the world, and like me, she has her own problems to contend with. Last thing i need to do is become another hater and jerk towards her just because she couldn't, or wouldn't, give me what i wanted. It wasn't me ignoring her that i regret, or declining the friendship. It was the motive behind it, the inauthenticity of my words and actions, that i regret. They weren't honest, loving or sincere. They were said out of spite. Sure, i ignored her in the hopes it would raise interest and/or attraction, but I did it to manipulate her. Pretty much it was like "fine, you don't want to return my feelings, then take that", instead of "If you don't feel the same way about me, I accept that. I love you, I adore you, but my interest in you isn't platonic. If you change your mind, you're welcome to call me, but until then, we'll have to part ways." Breaking up with someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving them, or even accept the break up. It just means that each party's goals, wants, values and needs are no longer aligned. But instead of walking away and leaving her with the feeling of love, i left her with the feeling of hurt and betrayal. The feeling of being undesirable or unloved. Authentic love is unconditional and means accepting the other person for who they are, not what you want them to be. I don't have to accept her friendship, and i won't. I also won't force her to change her mind about us. But the least i could have done, is leave her with the feeling of love. But i won't lie either... I wouldn't deny the opportunity to try again with her. 1. I don't think you need to treat her less than anyone else, but that doesn't mean you need to treat her like your friend either. There's are very fine line to walk here, which is why I choose to completely ignore my ex at work. I make it black and white. I'm not mean to him, I don't go around bad mouthing him, but I don't have small talk with him either. 2. I think that your actions, when ignoring her, were completely authentic to how you felt at the time. It would have been inauthentic to attempt to be her friend or engage in idle chit chat at work. 3. How do you know that you left her with the feelings of "hurt, betrayal, being unloved and undesirable"? Did she express that to you in those words? Here's a fact of life. Breakups are messy. Both parties are usually left with feelings of betrayal, hurt, feel unloved, undesirable, and a whole slew of other things. We can't wrap it up in a nice little bow and move on. There is going to be hurt, and you have to accept that. 4. I think that you are being inauthentic with your desire to apologize. I think that your main purpose for apologizing is to make yourself look better in her eyes in case she wants to try again. I do think you are concerned with how you might have hurt her, but I don't think that's the main reason for the apology. At this point, it's only been a few months, so you can't trust your emotions right now. I'd say give it 6 months to a year and then reevaluate your want to apologize. You know, way back when I got dumped, I decided that I wanted to be friends with my ex. I told him that I just truly wanted to be friends, and it was all cool. But the truth is that I had another motive. I wanted to look good in his eyes and win him back. So I might know a thing or two about how we can convince ourselves that we have pure motives. With an ex, the motive is almost never pure, especially this close to the breakup. I think you are truly a caring person, and I think that you are upset that you may have hurt her. But I also think that you need to look really closely at what exactly your motive is in this situation. If anything, I think that you are being inauthentic to your own feelings of hurt, betrayal, and feeling unloved. I think that you feel all of those things and are possibly denying them. I think you want to reach out to her in an attempt to feel less pain, but it doesn't work like that.
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