app345 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I'm trying to get as much perspective as possible here. She and I have been together for about a year and a half. About a year in, we had a pretty big falling out. There was some questionable behavior on her end: sexting other people, flirting with other people, being non-commital, whatever. There was an incident where I saw pictures of her and an ex doing all kinds of things that I cannot un-see, etc. We were at a music festival where I am good friends with the organizers and she was taken aback that it would make me a uncomfortable for her to go topless for the day. I admit I am a little possessive in a relationship and I definitely want her all to myself, so that's part of it, but it just seemed really classless to put me in that kind of position and to question why. She describes my behavior as potentially controlling, overly jealous and that my reaction to the things mentioned above were completely out of line. I feel like I stood up for what I believed in and what I found to be unacceptable. Just because we do not see eye to eye on everything doesn't mean that I am a controlling jerk. Anyway, we decided to stay with each other regardless and work on these things. I told her I won't stand for things happening behind my back. I told her that we can talk about anything, she shouldn't run a filter with me, and let's do this thing. She agreed. Things have been great, or so I thought. Earlier this week she sent me a text message asking if I was in town. I replied right away and said that i was at home already... what's up... no reply. I message her again a few minutes later, what's going on? No reply. About 10 minutes later she messages me and said that her car wouldnt start, but it's all good. Her ex-husband is on the way to take care of it. And that works out perfectly because they had plans tonight anyway. Sooooo.... First of all, am I wrong to be butthurt by that alone? She contacted me for help, didn't even give me the opportunity to help and accepts help from her ex-husband instead. This is not the first time she has "gone to her ex husband" for things that she would "rather have him take care of" like removing a stereo from her car, as an example. Something I could easily do and would be happy to do. Anyway, so I let her know that I am upset that I am not her go-to person for things and it makes me feel second place. She assured me that I am not second place. The next night, I voice my concern about it. I tell her that not only were my feelings hurt that her chose to have her ex-husband help her over me, I was a little curious as to why she never mentioned that she had plans with him. Her response was that she "isn't obligated to tell me everything going on in her life" and that "I never asked her" and that she can "do whatever she wants to do and I cannot control her". First of all, no she isn't required to tell me everything in her life. But we talked almost all day that day. Never mentioned once. The "I never asked her" seems to imply that it is my responsibility to know if she has plans with her ex husband and the "i can do whatever i want" just screams that how the situation would make me feel just doesn't matter. After a little prying, I found out that not only has she been meeting up with her ex-husband, she has also been meeting up with ANOTHER ex (the guy in the classy photos I saw, mentioned earlier) on more than one occasion, also without any knowledge of mine. Her excuse? "It's not a big deal, I didn't think you would care". Then it's "I didn't tell you because I was afraid it would make you upset". Seems like she is just throwing excuses at the wall at this point to see what will stick. She swears up and down that they are just friends... So how come I have never been invited along to be with these friends but I have with other friends? Why does she have to see friends behind her boyfriends back? I bet the ex-husband doesn't even know I exist and that we are a thing. I am so sure that she is going to cry on their shoulder when things aren't right in our relationship. (Although I would like to mention that recently she did cry on MY shoulder because she felt bad that her ex-husband hasn'[t been with a woman since they were divorced 4 years ago. Yes, actually crying to me that her ex-husband hasn't been laid) I asked her if she would be okay with me reading any of the text messages exchanged between them, and of course, it was "absolutely not". Anyway, The conversation got heated when she was here, and I told her that I was done talking to her. I was just exhausted. She was trying to defend this kind of shady behavior while I was just telling her how it made me feel. She then gets up to leave and says that she is leaving. I did not stop her. I did try to call her as soon as she left and there was no answer so I sent her a message that said "if this is the way it's going to be then this is definitely over". She then replied "well you kicked me out" and "you agreed that I should leave". I most certainly did NOT kick her out, ask her to leave or agree that she should leave. Maybe she felt uncomfortable staying but that doesn't mean that I kicked her out. I was really upset by this. Anyway, am I justified for breaking up with her? After a year and a half to get the "i dont have to tell you everything" is just ridiculous to me. I am trying to have a real relationship with this woman but she is STILL doing what I consider to be shady things behind my back. Obviously there is her side to all of this as well, but she really thinks i am in the wrong for reacting this way about it. She was doing things behind my back before, we agreed to NO SECRETS, and now she is making plans and doing things with exes without any of my knowledge and hiding it behind cliches. Not only that, but because I am heartbroken and very upset by this, the topic of conversation turns into how I am REACTING and how wrong I am. She is full of games and isn't ready for any relationship with me. That's obvious. I am just conflicted right now because I do love her and wish that things could be right. I have started no contact as of last night. Messages, facebook and calls blocked, emails bounced, etc. I am just so completely disgusted that whether or not there was any sex involved, that she could just be so dismissive of how I feel and use my reaction to these things as a free pass to tell me how much of a dick I am and to turn it around on me. So those really are the facts. There were things going on behind my back before and we broke up and reconciled saying that wouldn't be a thing anymore. It's a thing again and so I broke up with her again. This time for good. The way I see it, being friends with an ex is fine... as long as it is JUST FRIENDS. And if they are JUST FRIENDS, then there should be no problem with the current boyfriend being in the picture. There should definitely not be any secrets surrounding an already delicate situation. If this was a 3-6 month relationship we had so far, it would be a little easier to handle. But 18 months in, to me this is completely unacceptable. I don't feel like I need to know everything going on at all times. But I don't appreciate having things deliberately hidden from me either. Especially with weak, cliche excuses. I'd just like to know what anyone else has to say about all of this.
Author app345 Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 Okay i know I am justified for breaking up with her, but am I being irrational for breaking up with her without giving it a second thought... That's what I mean.
elaine567 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 She shouldn't be seeing exes behind your back, people can be friends, even good friends with exes, but if they are in another relationship, then it should all be out in the open. The sneaking around here, isn't good.
Gary S Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 The ex fixing the car is no problem. What becomes a problem is having one-on-one get togethers with men that could look like a date - that's just plain wrong, and you should not stand for it. If she wants to see the ex and her backup guy, great! Do what other people do and double-date and have them over for events and parties. Relationships take work and sacrifice. If she's not willing to do the work, she does not deserve a relationship. You can't just do whatever you want with no respect for your partner. I wonder if she even loves you... why has she got another guy and her ex to hang out with, why does she need them? It sounds to me like she is not monogamous, and does not care... if you leave her, she has backup guys. That's not a nice woman who loves you - either that, or she lacks integrity. people who lack integrity are not good relationship material. Would you trust your kids with this person? Would you go into business with them? These are the tough questions you need to ask yourself about a potential mate. You've already talked to her about it. You have two choices, going forward: 1) Tough love - get another girlfriend or see your ex. When she asks, "What are you doing", then she'll be ready to really listen and change, when the shoe is on the other foot. If she says, "Well, I've known my backup guys longer"... what difference does that make? I don't care if he's Santa Clause. 2) Leave her. Don't play with a drifter, you might get burned. She was just passin' through. 2
Redhead14 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I'm trying to get as much perspective as possible here. She and I have been together for about a year and a half. About a year in, we had a pretty big falling out. There was some questionable behavior on her end: sexting other people, flirting with other people, being non-commital, whatever. There was an incident where I saw pictures of her and an ex doing all kinds of things that I cannot un-see, etc. We were at a music festival where I am good friends with the organizers and she was taken aback that it would make me a uncomfortable for her to go topless for the day. I admit I am a little possessive in a relationship and I definitely want her all to myself, so that's part of it, but it just seemed really classless to put me in that kind of position and to question why. She describes my behavior as potentially controlling, overly jealous and that my reaction to the things mentioned above were completely out of line. I feel like I stood up for what I believed in and what I found to be unacceptable. Just because we do not see eye to eye on everything doesn't mean that I am a controlling jerk. Anyway, we decided to stay with each other regardless and work on these things. I told her I won't stand for things happening behind my back. I told her that we can talk about anything, she shouldn't run a filter with me, and let's do this thing. She agreed. Things have been great, or so I thought. Earlier this week she sent me a text message asking if I was in town. I replied right away and said that i was at home already... what's up... no reply. I message her again a few minutes later, what's going on? No reply. About 10 minutes later she messages me and said that her car wouldnt start, but it's all good. Her ex-husband is on the way to take care of it. And that works out perfectly because they had plans tonight anyway. Sooooo.... First of all, am I wrong to be butthurt by that alone? She contacted me for help, didn't even give me the opportunity to help and accepts help from her ex-husband instead. This is not the first time she has "gone to her ex husband" for things that she would "rather have him take care of" like removing a stereo from her car, as an example. Something I could easily do and would be happy to do. Anyway, so I let her know that I am upset that I am not her go-to person for things and it makes me feel second place. She assured me that I am not second place. The next night, I voice my concern about it. I tell her that not only were my feelings hurt that her chose to have her ex-husband help her over me, I was a little curious as to why she never mentioned that she had plans with him. Her response was that she "isn't obligated to tell me everything going on in her life" and that "I never asked her" and that she can "do whatever she wants to do and I cannot control her". First of all, no she isn't required to tell me everything in her life. But we talked almost all day that day. Never mentioned once. The "I never asked her" seems to imply that it is my responsibility to know if she has plans with her ex husband and the "i can do whatever i want" just screams that how the situation would make me feel just doesn't matter. After a little prying, I found out that not only has she been meeting up with her ex-husband, she has also been meeting up with ANOTHER ex (the guy in the classy photos I saw, mentioned earlier) on more than one occasion, also without any knowledge of mine. Her excuse? "It's not a big deal, I didn't think you would care". Then it's "I didn't tell you because I was afraid it would make you upset". Seems like she is just throwing excuses at the wall at this point to see what will stick. She swears up and down that they are just friends... So how come I have never been invited along to be with these friends but I have with other friends? Why does she have to see friends behind her boyfriends back? I bet the ex-husband doesn't even know I exist and that we are a thing. I am so sure that she is going to cry on their shoulder when things aren't right in our relationship. (Although I would like to mention that recently she did cry on MY shoulder because she felt bad that her ex-husband hasn'[t been with a woman since they were divorced 4 years ago. Yes, actually crying to me that her ex-husband hasn't been laid) I asked her if she would be okay with me reading any of the text messages exchanged between them, and of course, it was "absolutely not". Anyway, The conversation got heated when she was here, and I told her that I was done talking to her. I was just exhausted. She was trying to defend this kind of shady behavior while I was just telling her how it made me feel. She then gets up to leave and says that she is leaving. I did not stop her. I did try to call her as soon as she left and there was no answer so I sent her a message that said "if this is the way it's going to be then this is definitely over". She then replied "well you kicked me out" and "you agreed that I should leave". I most certainly did NOT kick her out, ask her to leave or agree that she should leave. Maybe she felt uncomfortable staying but that doesn't mean that I kicked her out. I was really upset by this. Anyway, am I justified for breaking up with her? After a year and a half to get the "i dont have to tell you everything" is just ridiculous to me. I am trying to have a real relationship with this woman but she is STILL doing what I consider to be shady things behind my back. Obviously there is her side to all of this as well, but she really thinks i am in the wrong for reacting this way about it. She was doing things behind my back before, we agreed to NO SECRETS, and now she is making plans and doing things with exes without any of my knowledge and hiding it behind cliches. Not only that, but because I am heartbroken and very upset by this, the topic of conversation turns into how I am REACTING and how wrong I am. She is full of games and isn't ready for any relationship with me. That's obvious. I am just conflicted right now because I do love her and wish that things could be right. I have started no contact as of last night. Messages, facebook and calls blocked, emails bounced, etc. I am just so completely disgusted that whether or not there was any sex involved, that she could just be so dismissive of how I feel and use my reaction to these things as a free pass to tell me how much of a dick I am and to turn it around on me. So those really are the facts. There were things going on behind my back before and we broke up and reconciled saying that wouldn't be a thing anymore. It's a thing again and so I broke up with her again. This time for good. The way I see it, being friends with an ex is fine... as long as it is JUST FRIENDS. And if they are JUST FRIENDS, then there should be no problem with the current boyfriend being in the picture. There should definitely not be any secrets surrounding an already delicate situation. If this was a 3-6 month relationship we had so far, it would be a little easier to handle. But 18 months in, to me this is completely unacceptable. I don't feel like I need to know everything going on at all times. But I don't appreciate having things deliberately hidden from me either. Especially with weak, cliche excuses. I'd just like to know what anyone else has to say about all of this. "I didn't tell you because I was afraid it would make you upset" -- She wasn't afraid it would make you upset, she KNEW it would and opted to do it anyway. This is the same thing a child does -- they want to do something they know their parents will disapprove of, so they do it and without talking to the parents. You are right to break up with her. She doesn't respect your feelings. If she did she would modify her behavior. It's true you can't control her but she can control herself for you if she values the relationship.
Author app345 Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 The ex fixing the car is no problem. What becomes a problem is having one-on-one get togethers with men that could look like a date - that's just plain wrong, and you should not stand for it. Yeah I was a little upset that she came to me for help and didn't even give me the opportunity. She just had him do it instead. That was a little upsetting, but I think that is more me just being a crybaby about it. It's the rest that I found out that is the real issue to me. She told me that I was allowed to see any of my exes behind her back because I don't have to tell her everything either. I kind of feel bad for her
Gary S Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 (edited) ^^^ I hear you, yes, you should not get upset that she has friends. Only when it crosses the line and they date. yeah, you don't want to become the badboy control freak. But you do want reasonable respect, unlike the wimp. You have to be the man in the middle... nice, but not a doormat. You do need to determine if this woman has integrity. Women with integrity who love you won't cheat. I take it you guys are young? If she's under 28, she may not have matured yet. Some are only capable of puppy love. Edited April 16, 2015 by Gary S
Gary S Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 ^^^okay, she's not in a high risk group then. What you see is what you get... either she has integrity now, or she probably never will. Start researching integrity to determine if she has it.
kendahke Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 She's been distancing herself from you. Probably with the encouragement of her exes. She didn't tell you because it IS making you upset, as it would any person who thought they were in a committed relationship. That's a given, especially when you've had a conversation with her about transparency. If she's not set adrift by now, why isn't she? You dont' need a reason to justify breaking up with her---"because the sun rose in the sky this morning" is all the reason you need.
kendahke Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Okay i know I am justified for breaking up with her, but am I being irrational for breaking up with her without giving it a second thought... That's what I mean. No. Always follow your first mind.
sandylee1 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Your feelings are valid and you're not being unreasonable. She isn't ready for a fully committed relationship at this point. I think you were right to break up. Regardless of whether anything is going on with her ex, it's making you unhappy. I'm concerned about the discussions she has with the ex, about him not getting any for 4 years. They are still too close and her whole behaviour screams out as a huge red flag. I think your better off without her. I don't believe any bf would be happy with her behaviour.
Treasa Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 You did give it a second thought, and a third thought, and a fourth thought. You gave this girl (I can't bring myself to say "woman" even though she's almost as old as I am) multiple chances, and she used them to do whatever she wanted, hiding behind the "You're too controlling" excuse. Based on what you wrote, you aren't too controlling. She just seems very immature, insecure, and sort of pathetic. I'm sure you could do a lot better. 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I agree with the above posters 100% This girl isn't worth your time, and I'm glad you went, You seem to be very logical, and even explained your stance, Let her have her ex husband and friend, don't give her another chance.
Treasa Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 I agree with the above posters 100% This girl isn't worth your time, and I'm glad you went, You seem to be very logical, and even explained your stance, Let her have her ex husband and friend, don't give her another chance. Not to **** up your rhyme, but glad he went where?
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Not to **** up your rhyme, but glad he went where? Sorry, sometimes it's hard to find the right rhyme, I meant "he went" from the relationship, and left it in time. 1
Author app345 Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 It just makes me really sad that I wanted to have everything with her and I tried. It's really upsetting to me that how I handled this situation is being used as a total judge of my character and that I am so awful for having very strong, angry emotions about this. I do over think things and I did absolutely chew her out for it. I didn't name call, get physical or anything like that though. This was just me telling her how I really felt about all of it and how it all seemed like total BS to me. I definitely didn't hold anything back. Now though, she sees me as someone with "anger management" issues I am sure since her focus is now all about how I handled it. The paradox is that I would never, ever act that way towards her or anyone else under any other circumstances, no matter what. With me, loving someone completely does make me territorial. Why is that being treated as such a bad thing when to me it means total dedication, always there for anything, wouldn't ever cheat, 100% transparency, challenge and accept challenges, always there to defend and all the other vomitus bullcrap that I don't want to type about right now...? I just don't get it. I've only had a handful of relationships in my life and they have all been total crap. I have 2 of my 3 kids here with me full-time now too so it's going to be even harder for me to start over. I was really hoping to be married and settled well before 40. Guess I'll move that to 50 if I have to. Sorry for all that. Just feeling really down
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