What did you learn from your breakup?

[Isabella82]

I have learned that once they break my trust, the relationship is over.

 

I have learned that when someone accuses you of doing something, they are only guilty themselves.

 

I have seen how love can just disappear, and how everyones relationship might seem great on the outside, but no one knows what happens behind closed doors.

 

I have also learned to not center my life around my b/f

 

To always realize that things can always change

[sweetadeline]

Originally posted by MySugaree

And where were you when I embarked on my disastrous 4-month rebound relationship with a woman who talked incessantly about our having children?

 

Probably having the relationship before this one, from which I learned that getting too needy and giving up your own life (me) too quickly will scare people off (him) faster than you can say "red flag."

 

Or the relationship before that, which taught me that I can't be with someone who lashes out verbally when he's upset.

 

Or the relationship before that, in which I learned that someone who is not happy in his own life won't be able to support me in mine.

 

Looking at this list makes me wonder if I need to start learning not just what I can't tolerate, but also what I can.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by OneNightaDay

What I learned from my most recent breakup is that I should never build my life around one person. Always have time that you spend with friends and away from your significant other.

 

I'm learning this now. My entire life centered around her.

 

I made all the sacrifices.

I gave 110%, she gave 20%.

I loved her with all my heart. She loved me but was not IN love with me.

 

Everything about the relationship was so heavily weighted on me that it's no wonder she can walk away so easily.

 

She didn't have much invested and little to lose.

[WhereSpiritsRoam]

I've learned to always be prepared for the worst, because the worst can (and often does) happen. I've also learned that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Finally, I've learned that romance is tough to get into, and even tougher to maintain. It is hard work, and anyone who thinks it should happen like it does in the movies needs a reality check.

[blakharte]

Love with no conditions is hard but doable.

 

Trust your instincts...if your heart tells you your ex is doing you wrong, she is.

 

Rebound relationships hurt other people, too. I went right to another relationship after my ex and I broke up. Bad move. I told the young lady that I wasn't ready but she insisted. It was never right. I would be upset about something and need some alone time and she wanted to know how long it was going to be. She wanted me to be hers too soon after my breakup.

 

Honesty and patience are everything. Do you know how great it is to love someone that you tell everything to? You hide nothing because this is you, warts and all. I had a best friend like that. I loved her more than anything and I screwed it up. No cheating. Just pride blinding me to the love of my life. The writer wasn't kidding, "Pride goeth before the fall".

 

If there is no mutual respect between the two of you, there is no love. I don't know what it is but it ain't love. Someone had a quote from the late Pope John Paul II...Love doesn't complain....love just loves. Ain't that the truth?

[WhereSpiritsRoam]

Love is so complex that sometimes I wish colleges offered a 4-year degree in it. Then again, no institution could ever account for all the variables each and every one of us faces in our romantic endeavours. I have learned that there are no easy answers, but that we have to always have a willingness to learn and grow as individuals. I really like that quote by the late Pope John Paul II, btw.

[Clone]

Originally posted by mixwell

I have learned that some people could actually be as heartless as to cut you out of their life after you have been with them for 7 years and grew up together !!

 

 

couldnt agree more on how messed up thi section is. Best friends with a buddy for 10 years and my otehr closest friend for 6 years and we dont talk anymore after me and my ex broke up. Why..i wish i could know cause i wouldnt never do that to a friend. I mean seriously they both have girl friends and if they broke up why the hell would it matter to me. Who know and wish i did

[Israfil]

Originally posted by mixwell

I have learned that no matter how much you THINK you know someone, you really DON'T know the whole truth about them.

 

yeah that.

 

and I also learned that I don't ever want to be in a relationship again.

[Fallen_Angel]

Originally posted by Israfil

and I also learned that I don't ever want to be in a relationship again.

 

Amen to that. Right now I don't think any of the good times were worth the amount of pain I'm going through.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

1. Love is just as painful as it is wonderful (no big revalation there for most of us at this point since we are here, but something I learned a long time ago).

 

2. A cheater will cheat on you too, until realizing that his or her life is better with an honest relationship (much easier said than done). The key is in being able to figure out if he or she has actually had that revelation, or is just pulling your chain.

 

3. If you don't have the truth, and an underlying honesty, you have nothing. Past dishonesty can be forgiven, but ongoing dishonesty will destroy a relationship whether love is there or not.

 

4. If the relationship isn't as important to the other person as it is to you, you are better off without the relationship. If the other person later realizes that it is as important to him/her as it is to you, you might just have something yet, but be careful.

 

5. When you lose a close, loving relationship, you lose the underlying super-close friendship too. That is worse than losing the companionship, or the sex, or any of the other things you got out of the relationship.

 

6. If you need to play games to save a relationship, it isn't worth saving. Better to be yourself, and lose love, than to become someone else to save it.

 

7. If you think someone you love is playing games, they probably are (you are in the best position to tell, so trust your instincts!). They may have reasons, but they are playing games nonetheless, and until they get to a point where they can be truly honest, open and forthright with you, it's never going to be any good.

[amerikajin]

Good thread.

 

Lessons learned?

 

Okay, let's start with the basics, which, unfortunately, I just recently learned (well, I hope I've learned them anyway):

 

1. Your partner will NOT complete you. You support and encourage each other, you may also comfort each other; but you definitely do not complete each other - that's your job, not your partner's.

 

2. Find out what your issues are and confront them head on. Don't leave that for someone else to do. Don't drag someone else into your world of uncertainty.

 

3. Figure out what you want, and more importantly, figure out why you want it.

 

4. Have standards. Have goals. Be an active person. Try new things (activities)....but don't expect someone else to meet the standards if you can't meet them yourself. Otherwise, you're a fraud.

 

5. Control your ego. The ego will tell you how certain things in your life "should be", how your partner "should be", how happy you "should be". That's not to say that your ego is always wrong, but give yourself a reality check once in a while. You shouldn't be judging people unfairly.

 

6. Have confidence. Don't panic because you're alone on a Friday night - it doesn't mean you'll be home alone every Friday night.

 

7. Don't take rejection personally - it's not personal. It's just a lack of romantic interest on the part of the other person. There are usually a lot of others who are interested in what you have to offer, even if someone you're smitten with isn't.

 

8. Have self respect. If someone's giving you bulls***, call them on it. If someone stands you up or cancels on you at the last minute, there's no need to set up another date. If someone cheats on you, find someone who won't.

 

9. Most of all, be optimistic. Love stings, but it doesn't mean that you have to sit on the sidelines. If someone burns you, dumps you or otherwise stomps on you, take some time to figure things out, but then don't be afraid to go back to the world of dating again. As far as we know, we only live once.

[crazyyetsane]

I've learned that...

 

A) First impressions are not to be taken as lightly as some say you should take them. Your gut instinct is usually trying to tell you something for a reason, so if you get a few bad vibes, be wary.

 

B) The true nature of a relationship reveals itself only after the honeymoon period (first few months of bliss and butterflies) ends. It is during this time when your SO will reveal their true colors.

 

C) DON'T DATE SOMEONE ON THE REBOUND!!! You should be with someone who is interested in you because of who you are, and not because they just want intimacy or are hoping to be healed.

 

D) Only in extreme circumstances can an open relationship work, and if you think that you and boyfriend/girlfriend are so unique that you could make one work, chances are, you're probably wrong.

 

E) Compromise is okay as long as you are not compromising yourself or any firm convictions you might have, and don't ever let someone take advantage of you or try to control you.

 

F) There is a difference between being comfortable with your SO, and being comfortable in the relationship. You must ask yourself: "When I'm not with him/her, am I still happy with what we have?"

 

G) After a break-up, you've got to try to find something else (not another person) to obsess about. While it obviously won't cause you to forget about your ex, it provides a healthy distraction and allows you to move forward instead of looking back.

 

H) If you just got out of a serious relationship wherein the love you shared was very intense, I would recommend no contact. If you do decide you want to have contact, you've got to question your motives for doing so- is it because you just want to know what they're up to now and then? Or are you actually doing it to try to win them back?

 

I) Just when you think you're over it, you'll have a setback that makes you realize you're not, and you shouldn't get frustrated about this or feel like it's bringing you back to square one. This is perfectly normal, and what's important is that you take note of the fact that these moments of weakness are, in most cases, becoming fewer and farther between with time.

 

....among other things.

[lindya]

Learned that if the other person's being lazy or selfish within the relationship to the extent that you're becoming stressed and unhappy, you should be honest about needing more. If they can't - or won't - make more effort, the only sane thing to do is accept that the relationship will never be good enough and end it without further ado. Overlooking or trying to compensate for the fact that your partner isn't willing to work at things just builds up resentment, and it isn't healthy for either of you.

[Gottabestrong]

I have learned that, if the other person does not love you as much as you want or need them to, you should walk away.

 

Don't stay with them hoping that some day their feelings will miracously change. You are never going to be happy and there will always be something missing.

 

Love yourself enough to not stay with someone who does not love you with all their heart and soul.

[Paddyboy]

I learned to put my faith in time. Even if you don't believe it at the moment of breaking up, one day, some months or years later, it wont hurt anymore and you will be happy again. Just give it time.

[Three of Swords]

Originally posted by Paddyboy

I learned to put my faith in time. Even if you don't believe it at the moment of breaking up, one day, some months or years later, it wont hurt anymore and you will be happy again. Just give it time.

 

That is my mantra lately - "It will be alright, someday it will be alright. Just give it time."

 

Sigh

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

I have learned that, if the other person does not love you as much as you want or need them to, you should walk away.

 

Don't stay with them hoping that some day their feelings will miracously change. You are never going to be happy and there will always be something missing.

 

Love yourself enough to not stay with someone who does not love you with all their heart and soul.

 

Sad, but so very, very true.

[flsgirl]

I've learned that I don't know how to deal with a breakup. It makes me a completely crazy person that takes everything personally. I've also become extremely jaded.

 

I've learned to be carerful who you trust.

 

I've learned to not settle for someone just because they are there (even if they are hot and good in bed).

 

I've learned that I tend to date men that have nothing going for themselves but somehow they always dump me and make me feel horrible about myself even when I didn't do anything wrong.

 

I've learned to not assume anything and to pick your battles.

 

I've also have learned that the fairy tale will never come true.

 

The biggest things I've learned are to edit in my brain before I say anything and to not come off as clingy and needy. They'll have much more respect for you that way (even if you overanalyze in your head, they don't know that).

[Cammie42]

I've learned that when someone says "I love you" after only knowing you 4 weeks - they've most likely said that to each person before me. And to never accept a marriage proposal after dating only 5 months - it's way too soon to marry anyone before you've really known them an entire year.

 

The first 6 months you see the person on their best behavior - it's not until another 6 months has passed you actually see the REAL person.

 

And if he lies and brags way too much - he's more in love with himself than with you.

[dgiirl]

I've learned that if I'm not happy, then noone's happy.

 

I've learned that just cos he says everything's good, doesnt mean it's good

 

I've learned that I need to talk to friends about relationships because I dont know crap.

 

I've learned not to be so naive, be more appreciative, and be more assertive cos tomorrow might not come.

 

I've learned that I need to figure out what I want, and then be assertive in trying to get it.

 

I've learned that I'm extremely honest and communicative, and that I have a lot of strength to survive this crap and still keep looking forward to the future.

[Pepuchin]

I don't have to feel "rejected" if she doesn't love me. She can't love me because I am too much for her...

[Gottabestrong]

If he does not want to be with you NOW, then he probably wont want to in the future either. Don't hang around hoping that he will change his mind. You are just wasting your time.

[BigB]

Joint bank accounts are bad.

[JulieAnna]

Never ignore red flags. Never break No Contact. Never take them back after a major break up. Never trust them until they've proven their trust. GO ON YOUR GUT FEELINGS.

 

Don't take them back after you've divorced them - no matter how much they claim "you're the one for me". My ex deliberately got me back into his life to lure me into the depths of hell just to get revenge and later dump me. He had to get the last word no matter what the cost.

 

Do you know after we were dating two weeks he warned me he could be "ruthless" ? Now I see what he meant.

 

He's evil - downright evil and mean. I can only hope what comes around goes around.

[Wisdom on a stick]

Breaking up is hard to do. Don't expect to be over it in a few weeks or months. Losing a lifepartner is one of the worst things that can happen to you. Allow yourself to grieve.