OneNightaDay Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Hi there, I am still reeling from my breakup that occurred 7 months ago. The thing that helps me through a bit is thinking that the breakup happened for a reason, and that there was a lesson I had to learn. As I believe in universal lessons, I was wondering what we all learned from our breakups. If we share it with each other we could learn from other people's experiences. So let me start. What I learned from my most recent breakup is that I should never build my life around one person. Always have time that you spend with friends and away from your significant other. That way, if the relationship ends, only one part of your life is gone, and not the whole center of it. Coincidentally having a life for yourself, might be the thing that keeps the relationship from breaking up in the first place. So, what did you learn?
sweetadeline Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 I learned never to date someone on the rebound. He/she will be overcompensating for whatever went wrong in the previous relationship. I also learned that when someone wants to be exclusive with you because "you seem ready for marriage and children," they're less concerned with who you are than with attaining that goal. Someone wrote in another post that "Timing is more important than love when it comes to romance." Word.
johan Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 I've learned that compromise can be dangerous. You might compromise on where you have dinner or what movie to see or what color to paint the bathroom, but never compromise on the things you really consider important. Also I've learned that there are no feelings that won't come out somehow at some point. Nothing stays inside. The only way to deal with them is to let them out right when they occur. Develops trust and intimacy and open honest communication. Everything is on the table. There is no better feeling than developing that kind of mutual trust and knowledge with someone, so that they can almost read your mind, know everything there is to know about you, and they still love you.
westernxer Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by sweetadeline I learned never to date someone on the rebound. He/she will be overcompensating for whatever went wrong in the previous relationship. I also learned that when someone wants to be exclusive with you because "you seem ready for marriage and children," they're less concerned with who you are than with attaining that goal. Bullseye!
greenhorn Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 1. Never love someone 2.Never trust someone 3.Never get dependant on someone for anything - material, physical or emotional needs 4.Never trust someone who has dumped someeone else for you - History repeats itself 5.Never trust someone who always agree with you 6.Watch out for someone who talks sweetly with you but bitches about others 7.Never love someone who loves you on the basis of some assumption, like tommorrow you are going to have big house, a luxury car or chopper...etc...Accept someone who loves the way you are 6.Never trust and subsequently love someone who has ever spoken a lie to you however small it may be or lied to someone else 7.Never fall in love with someone when the interaction started due to you helping the other 8.Go by your instinct, if your gut feeling says the other is cheating you then be sure the other is cheating you 9. Last but not the least " Always be prepared for getting dumped" (more so if you are a guy)
quankanne Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 1. to not stay involved in a relationship when someone who, even unintentionally, makes you feel bad about yourself (BF1, who ended it) 2. that rebound relationships aren't smart, because at some point you're going to have to admit yourself this person has feelings and that they count (BF2, who I dumped) 3. that sometimes, when you truly love someone, you put up with certain self-destructive behavior because you know that this person is more than just his bad behavior; when he works hard to be a better person and grows into the man you know he is capable of being, you see your belief in him rewarded (married this one)
Jtizzle Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 ive learned alot from failed relationships - Always take the time to get to know one another..find out their strengths and weaknesses and what makes them happy and important stuff like that, it gives you a sense and reading of who they are actually (learned from all my bfs) -Never be in a relationship where u are always the GIVER and their the RECEIVER...be it money wise, feelings, emotions, love,time, jus anything.. -Never be in a relationship with someone who would lie to their mother -Never date another dude who has no goals for the next five years of his life, or who is not doing anything with their lives And the two most important things ive learned from failed relationships is to one, never settle for less and feel im not worth respect. and two never be with someone who is pessimistic and depressing. its true that misery loooooooooves company.
Donut Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 From my relationships? Never stay with someone who abuses you, never stay with someone who cheats and lies. Don't jump from one relationship to the other. Take things slowly, don't get swept up in romance (ie look at their actions rather than their words), communicate fully and properly and have your own life and interests outside of the relationship. Oh, and if it ends, preserve your dignity.
MySugaree Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 I learned never to date someone on the rebound. He/she will be overcompensating for whatever went wrong in the previous relationship. I also learned that when someone wants to be exclusive with you because "you seem ready for marriage and children," they're less concerned with who you are than with attaining that goal. Someone wrote in another post that "Timing is more important than love when it comes to romance." Word. And where were you when I embarked on my disastrous 4-month rebound relationship with a woman who talked incessantly about our having children? You're right on the money, girl.
Illusion24 Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 I've learned not to throw the word "LOVE" around like if I didn't know it's meaning. I've loved many people in different ways but one thing I've noticed is that love no matter how great or small it hurts. I'm trying to find "my" meaning of the word because for some reason lately...Love is just a myth to me. Something that only happens in the movies. I also have learned how to live for today and not for tomorrow. All my life I've lived thinking of tomorrow, later, Thursday (if it's Monday)...I'm tired of trying to figure out what my future is all about. I need to cherish the moments I have now and live as if theirs no tomorrow... Also I've learned that there are no feelings that won't come out somehow at some point. Nothing stays inside. The only way to deal with them is to let them out right when they occur. Develops trust and intimacy and open honest communication. Everything is on the table. There is no better feeling than developing that kind of mutual trust and knowledge with someone, so that they can almost read your mind, know everything there is to know about you, and they still love you. Wow...Agree!!
EC Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 I have learned to not surround myself around one person and not to depend on anyone for my happiness. I learned not to shut out my family or friends for a guy. I have learned that when someone doesn't love you there is really nothing you can do to change their mind. I have learned I cannot handle a friends with benefit situation. I have learned that people in life do things differently and 'my way' is not the only way to do things and so now I am more open minded. I also learned some people do not marry their first loves and live happily ever after. (the first thing I learned lol)
Illusion24 Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Wow...How can I forget this one... I've learned to have PATIENCE...As I get older, I learn not to blow up in the first act of frustration or madness. I've learned to allow myself to think about the "whole" situation instead of what occurred.
Three of Swords Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by EC I have learned that when someone doesn't love you there is really nothing you can do to change their mind. I have learned I cannot handle a friends with benefit situation. DITTO Also I can't handle a one night fling either.
mixwell Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 I have learned that some people could actually be as heartless as to cut you out of their life after you have been with them for 7 years and grew up together !! I have learned that no matter how much you THINK you know someone, you really DON'T know the whole truth about them. I have learned a lot about my mistakes in the past and how to improve them. I have learned how to be a better b/f to the next lucky girl that I am with. I have learned also to not let your life revolve around just one person ! I have learned what its like to have someone mean the world to you !! Last but not least.. I have learned what love really is and have been on the high (and now) the low of it ! My ex... what a bltch !!
begman Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 I have learned a few things over the years. I have hurt and been hurt. A lot more than what I would like. Here are some: 1. Not to date girls under 25 (I'm 35 so that window is closing anyway). Unless they know what they want from the relationship and where they are going with their life. Yes, I know that there are a lot of mature girls out there who are under 25. I'm not saying that there aren't. My ex just happened to not be one of those. I saw the signs early in the relationship but tended to look past them because I liked her and I was getting a young piece of ass. She is 24 and broke my heart. She was all over the place with her life and decided that I wasn't giving her what she needed after a year and dumped me. Her boyfriend before me only lasted a year plus she had a couple of affairs with married guys. She started dating another guy her age like weeks after our breakup. She played games with me up until two months ago when I told her that I didn't want to talk anymore. She doesn't know what she wants. 2. Not to blame yourself completely for a breakup. I'm in this stage now where I blame myself and am thinking that there were things that I could have done better to save the realtionship. That is self destructive and it is never just one persons fault. 3. I have faults. We all have faults. And I am trying to work on them so my next girlfriend will have the best boyfriend ever. 4. Love is hard. It is hard work (G.W.B.). It is hard. 5. Love and Lust are two different things. This might be the problem with my last relationship. I might be focusing to much on the sex which I miss. She was the best sex that I ever had but we had problems that I tended to dismiss because of the sex. 6. Communication. This might be one of the most important parts of a relationship and is one that I definitely need to work on. When my ex did something that made me unhappy I would hold in my feelings for fear of starting an argument and that is wrong. Talk, talk, talk. 7. No contact means no contact. Try to think of the bad sh*t that they did to you and not the good. It makes it easier. I sent my ex a birthday card a few weeks ago and am kicking myself for it. She called me half drunk and left me a message thanking me and telling me to call her. I never called. Then she came into the bar I hang out on Fridays after work the other week. She never comes in there. She told me I can always email her. I never did. Seeing her set back my progress by months. WTF about NC don't you understand. It is my dumbass fault for sending her a BDay card. 8. There is someone out there somewhere that will make all of those bad feelings go away about your last relationship. The one good thing that came out of my last relationship was she helped me forget the breakup before that. Almost 9 years with the girl before her. But now I'm trying to forget this one. Ironic isn't it? 9. Friends after a relationship is impossible unless you have no feelings anymore. My ex wanted to be friends and hang and do things together after we broke up, even while she started dating someone else. She would say every once in awhile that she missed me and sometimes thinks what it would be like if we were still together. But then she would turn around and say that we would never be together again because we were to different. Bitch. That is why I started NC. Plus it wasn't fair to her new "boyfriend" that she was still talking to me and doing things with me. She did the same thing to me with her ex when I dated her. I never was comfortable with it. 10. Love sucks then you die.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 I learned that if i was happy before them, I can be happy after them. Also that its OK to go to the beach and its OK to wear my hair up.
ltomlinson81 Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 I learned that someone who truly loves and cares about you will not hurt you or break your heart.
tanbark813 Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 I learned to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever second-guess my gut instinct.
blind_otter Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 1. I need to love myself enough to know if someone else really loves ME, or just the *idea* of me that they have in their head 2. If they have really really really big issues, I can't help them. I would probably hurt them. 3. NO CONTACT RULES!! It really DOES work to kill feelings from an old relationship. 4. I am beautiful, intelligent, worth being cherished, and anyone who thinks differently isn't meant to be with me 5. Two people can be perfectly fine alone but horrible together 6. It's ok to be alone. 7. Don't stay with someone who hates themself.
Merin Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 In my last break up I learned to never trust what people say only what they do..
dibdab Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Not to make my girlfriend my whole life ( now i have to build up all my relationships with friends and family again) To break up when i feel it is not working instead of draging it out, thinking things will change (to the point where she finds someone else and im left to deal with that pain too) To not get comfortable with the relationship and take things for granted (this is what i am beating myself up over although even if i had made the effort i think she would have still been herself and frustrated me. I would have compromised my life away with very little in return)
opaleye Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I have learnt never to settle for convenient. I have also learnt to treat yourself like you would your own best friend- don't accept less for yourself than you would for them. I have learnt not to date people who don't have any real friends- if the only thing they ever do with their friends is get drunk and high then they have issues. I have learnt to trust what others are saying to you. I have learnt to never take a cheater back. I have learnt that you can't help everyone and you can't change someone. I have learnt that it's waaay better to be alone and happy than with someone and settling. Oh, and it's not cool if someone is nice to you but mean to others- I have learnt that they are not being nice to you because you are super special and worth it- they are being nice to you to get some. And I have learnt to wait for the real thing, no cheap imitations will do.
eastern_mystique Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 1.) From my 1st break-up I learnt that the right person isn't enough - it has to be the right place and the right time too. Circumstances can get in the way of you and the right person (in this case a huge amount of distance), and there's very little you can do about it. 2.) This wasn't a break up because we didn't actually go out, but with the 2nd person I learnt that being friends isn't enough - there has to be a spark, a sense of compatibilty - which there wasn't. 3.) From my most recent break-up I feel I've learnt that it CAN be the right place, the right person and the right time - BUT stupid little things can go wrong. So my lesson from this is that you can't always work out the kinks the first time around. That's why they're called 2nd chances, right?
Colleen Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I also learned not to make one person your world too. Also, I learned not to rush into things too quickly, I ruined my last relationship by getting to comftorable too soon..
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