confused83 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 To keep this short what is more important to you? Looks or personality? This question came up with me and a few mates when out the other day, I have always gone for the girls i instantly find attractive and i'm now starting to wonder (as im 31) that i may have been a bit shallow over my life and let some good woman leave my life just because there wasn't an instant attraction. I am currently dating someone who i dont find anywhere near as attractive as my ex, when i first met my ex i felt instant butterflies and a feeling of 'oh my god i must have her', but in truth we didn't have an awful lot in common, once we got past the initial stages we did fall in love but im wondering if now id prefer someone who i can share a lot with. We never watched films as i like doing, walks, excercise etc etc. Now this new girl loves sports, watches football, has a very active life, and long story short i cannot find 1 thing that we don't have in common, even the small things we have in common but..... i keep trying but i just dont find her that attractive. She is nice looking but something isn't clicking physically. I was thinking of letting her go but my friends say im being shallow and over time looks fade and ill want someone like her. Cant seem to figure out if im settling if i stay with her hoping attraction will happen or whether im being right in letting her go. Am i really shallow? when things like tinder exist where its based on looks instantly. I would love a family of my own now and all my friends girlfriends are amazing and im good friends with them all but... dont fancy any of them so i have started thinking maybe i have just got used to being a bit shallow when dating.
kendahke Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I guess the big question you'd have to ask yourself is "can I let her go and be alright with doing that?" Depending upon how long you have been with her, it just may be too early to answer that question. Yeah, you can cut her loose and wait til someone knocks your socks off, only to discover you have nothing in common with them except initial attraction, which will never sustain a relationship over the long haul. It ultimately depends upon how you want to live out your life. Someone you have a lot in common with may be the one you can navigate the rough seas of life with better than someone who keeps your gonads tingling, but can't be counted on in a crisis. 2
Leigh 87 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I only go for men who I have instant chemistry and attraction for. Fortunately, I don't need men to be hot. I feel instant chemistry with average dudes.
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 If all you're interested in is looks then YES you are shallow. You said yourself that you had an "attractive" girlfriend but you didn't have anything in common with. Now you meet a much more interesting and compatible girl and you're worried she's not "attractive" enough. Give me a break. Perhaps you might benefit from watching this video. In fact I think everyone would benefit from watching it. It's an oldie but a goodie. 2
casey.lives Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 honestly, there are 7 billion people on this planet. you make it sound so DIRE .. if you don't like either that much.. find another girl!!!! 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 If all you're interested in is looks then YES you are shallow. You said yourself that you had an "attractive" girlfriend but you didn't have anything in common with. Now you meet a much more interesting and compatible girl and you're worried she's not "attractive" enough. Give me a break. Perhaps you might benefit from watching this video. In fact I think everyone would benefit from watching it. It's an oldie but a goodie. I think everyone is a little bit shallow including Women. Finding someone attractive is important for physical intimacy to feel natural. OP I would suggest that if you don't find this girl attractive that you don't pursue her. Being attractive doesn't mean she needs to live up to your ex's standards, but you should be able to envision yourself having intimate relations with her without having any reservations due to how she looks. Average people can be attractive too, in fact most are - it's always good to have realistic expectations. 1
candiix Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 When you say you don't find her attractive... have you slept with her? I'm interested in the response here...
central Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 OP, I need both. You went from one extreme to the other, and neither work long term. Keep looking. If you aren't passionately attracted to this woman, you have a really good friend. Compatibility without passion is as empty as passion without compatibility in the long run, at least for romantic relationships. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I would not settle for someone I did not find attractive both in terms of personality or physically. Does that make me shallow? Does it make one more important than the other? It's like asking which is more important, eating or breathing? And if you say eating, are you greedy. It's a ridiculous premise - they are both essential. 1
gaius Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Having stuff in common has nothing to do with sexual chemistry. =/ The girl I've had the best sex with so far was not the best looking one I've dated. And we had pretty much nothing in common. But we could still talk for hours and keep it interesting. And I never once felt on any level I was settling for her. I would suggest you move on and look for a girl you feel more drawn to, whether she be super hot or just plain pretty. 3
Mrlonelyone Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 OP if you don't feel it then you just don't feel it. Sometimes that's the way it goes. 1
Gary S Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 (edited) Looks fade, but you have to live with their personality forever. Generally, as looks go up, so does high maintenance. If you would kiss them, you can fall in love with them. Let that be your barometer. Edited April 16, 2015 by Gary S 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Looks fade, but you have to live with their personality forever. Generally, as looks go up, so does high maintenance. If you would kiss them, you can fall in love with them. Let that be your barometer. People will deny this, but it's true in my experience. That's why I find average looking girls to be the most attractive
Gaeta Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 but my friends say im being shallow and over time looks fade and ill want someone like her. And I bet your friends are dating people they find attractive. It's easy to tell someone to over look attraction and it's something else to actually live with someone you don't find attractive. You are not shallow, you are entitled to be in a relationship with someone that you find attractive. She doesn't need to be a model, or like your ex, but she got to inspire something in you! Looks go? Not that much! We get older, but we don't change that much if we keep a good life style. Look at how women of 50 to 60 are still gorgeous out there! Sure when she'll get pregnant she'll get a little tummy and she may become a size 12 instead of a size 2 over the years but if you had a good chemistry and attraction that turned into love she will always be the most beautiful to you. If you settle for a woman you don't feel attraction for I doubt you can travel through the years with her and find comfort in her smile and in her arms. 5
katiegrl Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 And I bet your friends are dating people they find attractive. It's easy to tell someone to over look attraction and it's something else to actually live with someone you don't find attractive. You are not shallow, you are entitled to be in a relationship with someone that you find attractive. She doesn't need to be a model, or like your ex, but she got to inspire something in you! Looks go? Not that much! We get older, but we don't change that much if we keep a good life style. Look at how women of 50 to 60 are still gorgeous out there! Sure when she'll get pregnant she'll get a little tummy and she may become a size 12 instead of a size 2 over the years but if you had a good chemistry and attraction that turned into love she will always be the most beautiful to you. If you settle for a woman you don't feel attraction for I doubt you can travel through the years with her and find comfort in her smile and in her arms. Beautifully said! 1
fitnessfan365 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I don't see anything wrong with wanting someone you can be in love AND in lust with. Looks are equally as important as personality and anyone who says different is in denial. BUT... Having a grass is greener mentality is what gets people into trouble. The honest truth is that no matter how hot your GF is, there will always be women that are even better looking out there. Just like she'll be around and meet men that she finds more physically attractive than you. It's human nature. At some point though, it does become more about what makes you want to stop looking based on who she is as a person. Things about her as an individual that make you want to stop upgrading to a hotter version. So from that aspect, it will always come down to personality in the end. However, people that act high and mighty and try to pretend that looks don't matter at all are ultimately full of s**t in my opinion.
PaperCrane Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Looks fade, but you have to live with their personality forever. Generally, as looks go up, so does high maintenance. If you would kiss them, you can fall in love with them. Let that be your barometer. Gary with the wisdom strikes again.
katiegrl Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I think what matters is that she is hot "to you". .... because of the special "chemistry" you share. If YOU don't think she is attractive, then it ain't going anywhere no matter how great a personality she has. Maybe you can become friends.. For me, an *average* looking man (generally speaking) will become the *hottest* man in the room, when there is mutual chemistry. I couldn't give a rat's rear end what anyone else thinks. Looks are very subjective in that regard.... Chemistry and compatability are what's important IMO.
wb1988 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 (edited) Having stuff in common has nothing to do with sexual chemistry. =/ Thats 100% true. I think so many people make the mistake in thinking that you are a match just because you have things in common. The best gfs I've had are the ones where we had almost nothing in common, and when we find something that we have in common there is this magic feeling that I would never get with someone thats a mirror image of me. Looks fade, but you have to live with their personality forever. Since when? Really, like everyone says that 'looks fade' but there are many hot women that still look hot when they get older. I'm 26 and I only date 18-23 or 24 but I've noticed many hot 55+ year olds that prove that looks don't always fade. Also people's personality changes all the time. Personality is never forever. Generally, as looks go up, so does high maintenance. Again that's another myth. There are many beautiful women that are low maintenance and there are many uglies that are incredibly high maintenance. There is a 'high maintenance' look and women that have that are high maintenance. Actually you could argue that unattractive women are more likely to be high maintenance because of a lack of looks whereas a pretty girl just has to put on a plain T-shirt a little makeup and she's already hot. My last gf told me that most makeup and **** like that gets invented or starts off in Asia — it makes perfect sense because women there in general aren't very attractive and need those things. Edited April 16, 2015 by wb1988 1
Recommended Posts