lucy_in_disguise Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 I would have a really hard time trusting this guy, especially since he bailed out of the blue- apparently not based on any major disagreement or notion of incompatibility. This tells me he relies heavily on his less-than-stable emotions. I have a hard time trusting people like this and would question whether his "feelings" for you even re-emerged- or he just decided he wants to keep trying despite the lack thereof. At the very least, i woild suggest pulling WAY back. Every day is far too often to see each other given the level of uncertainty here, IMO. You both need much more space to sort out your feelings and thoughts about one another. 1
Leigh 87 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 sigh. Typial advice advising yet another OP to remain with a guy who clearly isn't that into her. Look, when a man meets a woman who he REALLY falls hard for, he never does this. The rare few men who DO temporarily break up with women who they are ENAMOURED with, have serious mental problems. Chances are, the OP was not a woman that her bf fell hard for and is crazy about. If she was, he'd simply not have bailed. I have only been single around 7 months, and am in a non serious relationship atm, but to avoid men who are on the fence about me, I hold out for great chemistry with a guy who clearly adores me and is REALLY into me. Men who go after the girls that actually get under their skin and who they fall hard for, do not tend to feel ambivalent. The men I know who were like this, were never all that into their girlfriends to begin with. They met their girlfriends and felt they were a nice person and they did share some chemistry but that was it. They weren't enamoured by their girlfriends. They weren't telling their friends about them. Where as the men who met "the one" later in life after they had ample experience with meeting an array of women, "KNEW" when a girl came along who really knocked their socks off. They were NEVER on the fence. About their girls... I don't believe you are "that girl" for him, where he fell hard and became enamoured by you. You are just a girl he really likes as a person and is attracted to,without that " x" factor. Funny. People in real life who didn't head my advice, ended up coming to me and saying " omg you were right, I wasn't really crazy about my girlfriend to begin with, I asked for her back after the first time I dumped her BUT it was because my friends were all partnering up and I was lonley and I really am fond of her, just not head over heels.. She just didn't end up evoking that intense " in love" feeling every man wants to go through initially with a future partner"
Leigh 87 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Ha okay a mixed bag of views... I doubt he's a cheater though, we live in a pretty small place and have many friends and acquaintances in common, I think he'd be living dangerously if he thought he could get away with that! Well I saw him last night and great as usual. He's away now on a trip for 4 days. I've decided just to take it one day at a time. I will take what he said to me at face value - he said he wants to continue seeing me, he thinks this could be the real deal, he's sorry for having a wobble. If he changes his mind now, well that would be it for me. But I have to give him the chance. If it were me I would want, and take, the chance to make it right again. What a crappy way to experience a relationship! To have to take it " one day at a time". Sorry, but it isn't possible to do that whole heartedly. You are falling for him, and you WOULD absolutely be gutted IF he were to pull the plug again.. This isn't a relationship. It is you pandering to his needs and living in silent fear, genuinely wondering if your "boyfriend" will even want to be with you in one day or one weeks time:sick: Sadly, this is what most women settle for. They project their own feelings onto their boyfriend and assume that every little thing a guy does MUST mean that " surely he is really into me after all right, I mean, he cuddles me at night and makes time for me so THERE!" Taking it one day at a time? Not having any expectations from one day to the next after four months? How awful. Wow. I'd rather be single than to not have good faith that my boyfriend would stay with me from day to day. You could walk on egg shells and " wonder" if he will be around the next day, or alternatively, you could always be singler and seek out a man who is crazy about you and leaves no doubt in his mind that OMG, he is so excited about where things are going! 4 months in and it is supposed to be the HONEYMOON, head over heels, heady, falling crazy in love period!! You're already " taking it one day at a time" THIS early on! Trust me, in a year or two from now things will really suck if you guys cannot even avoid drama THIS early on. 4
Timshel Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Ya know what Leigh, I agree with you! Ha okay a mixed bag of views... I doubt he's a cheater though, we live in a pretty small place and have many friends and acquaintances in common, I think he'd be living dangerously if he thought he could get away with that! Well I saw him last night and great as usual. He's away now on a trip for 4 days. I've decided just to take it one day at a time. I will take what he said to me at face value - he said he wants to continue seeing me, he thinks this could be the real deal, he's sorry for having a wobble. If he changes his mind now, well that would be it for me. But I have to give him the chance. If it were me I would want, and take, the chance to make it right again. Would you have done what he did to you?
walkitout Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone. I've been seeing a guy for 4 months now. We are both late 30s with no previous marriages or kids and we live in the same town. It had been absolutely textbook - he arrnaged all the dates, stuck to his word throughout, has never let me down, we've met each other's friends and families, spent lots of time together and so on. Then last week out of the blue he went quiet. After 4 days of (unusual) silence I contacted him. Then he phoned me and said he was sorry he wanted to break up as he just wasn't 'feeling it' and thought it was for the best. I was in bits and very sad about this but I took him at face value and accpeted the decision. I wasn't planning to contact him again. The next night however he texted me saying he had made a mistake and could we talk about it. I arranged to see him a few days later (I had other plans) and in the meantime he contacted me again to say he was sorry for being a prat that week, he didn't know where it came from and hoped he hadn't f-ed things up. We met the following day and talked, he said he had just freaked out and couldn't really explain why but he was sorry and he wanted to try again, would I take him back. Obviously we had a more in-depth discussion and I said are you sure you don't want to take some more time to think about this he said no I'm sure let's try again. So we are trying again. The next day I got a huge bunch of flowers delivered to work. We are seeing each other every night this week - last night was, as usual, lovely and he's making a big effort with communication, talking about 'we' more than he did before, and we're making plans ahead including a weekend away. I should relax, right? But I can't. I can't seem to accept that he just had a flip out and now he's sure again. I am worried that a week, two weeks or a month will go by and he'll have a wobble again. I'm worried that he's trying again out of guilt for hurting me and deep down he's not really into this. I feel I can't trust him now and the bubble has burst. Whilst things are good between us I feel a bit nervous due to all of the above and it's making me act differently around him - more shy, perhaps awkward. In a viscous circle effect I'm worried my nerves around him will put him off and he'll go back to thinking he's not feeling it!! Can anyone relate? Is it common for men to have a blip like this or is he feeding me a line? Can our relationship grow from this or am I a mug to try again? Advice appreciated. I'm dealing with exactly the same guy!Also in his 30's,i'm 27.We've been dating for 9 months still not official.Broke up with me two times then always wanted me back a few days later.Broke it off always saying he didn't feel the spark and that he doesn't like me in that special way.Then he finally told me that he has issues with being in a committed relationship because he's scared of getting hurt because of bad experiences in his past.The guy you are dating has intimacy issues just like mine.When things between you both go great and you guys get closer he will distance and even break up with you.But when you distance and show him that you don't need him and dont contact him he will want you more.He will definitly break up with you again.This will be a cycle.What you have to do is stop initiating contact.I stopped initiating and he keeps inititing now.When you stop initiating he feels less pressure and can easily come to you.I'm also never relaxed!Always worry that hes gonna break up with me.Worry every single day and walk on egg shells.very frustrating!We should talk!I have so much experience with this type of guy.Do you have gchat? Edited April 17, 2015 by walkitout 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 You're a fool for not walking away from this when he "broke up"...that was a tell tale sign that he isn't that interested in you...all that textbook dating was him swooning you over trying to make you feel like men know women want to feel and you're eating it up like a fat kid with chocolate. I have no idea how you could see this as just a "blip"...he basically told you he wasn't feeling it and ended everything in an instant in what you thought you had...huge error in boundaries on your part and for that you very very likely pay for it. Enjoy the rollercoaster. 1
spiderowl Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 I'm dealing with exactly the same guy!Also in his 30's,i'm 27.We've been dating for 9 months still not official.Broke up with me two times then always wanted me back a few days later.Broke it off always saying he didn't feel the spark and that he doesn't like me in that special way.Then he finally told me that he has issues with being in a committed relationship because he's scared of getting hurt because of bad experiences in his past.The guy you are dating has intimacy issues just like mine.When things between you both go great and you guys get closer he will distance and even break up with you.But when you distance and show him that you don't need him and dont contact him he will want you more.He will definitly break up with you again.This will be a cycle.What you have to do is stop initiating contact.I stopped initiating and he keeps inititing now.When you stop initiating he feels less pressure and can easily come to you.I'm also never relaxed!Always worry that hes gonna break up with me.Worry every single day and walk on egg shells.very frustrating!We should talk!I have so much experience with this type of guy.Do you have gchat? Is there any point at all being with a guy who makes you worry he's going to leave and that you have to walk on eggshells? Why not find a guy who doesn't make you feel on tenterhooks all the time? 1
preraph Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 Cheer up. Men usually get cold feet when they're falling too hard and it makes them start thinking about commitment. He scared himself. You don't have too reinvest completely right away. Don't put that pressure on yourself, but give him a chance and see how you stand 3 months from now.
Leigh 87 Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 Cheer up. Men usually get cold feet when they're falling too hard and it makes them start thinking about commitment. He scared himself. You don't have too reinvest completely right away. Don't put that pressure on yourself, but give him a chance and see how you stand 3 months from now. haaaahahahahaa I must know a weird bunch then! The men I know of who fell HARD, were madly in love by 4 months and they wouldn't have DARED to let their girls go. A couple are still happily together and they are still super passionate to this day.
Leigh 87 Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 I'm dealing with exactly the same guy!Also in his 30's,i'm 27.We've been dating for 9 months still not official.Broke up with me two times then always wanted me back a few days later.Broke it off always saying he didn't feel the spark and that he doesn't like me in that special way.Then he finally told me that he has issues with being in a committed relationship because he's scared of getting hurt because of bad experiences in his past.The guy you are dating has intimacy issues just like mine.When things between you both go great and you guys get closer he will distance and even break up with you.But when you distance and show him that you don't need him and dont contact him he will want you more.He will definitly break up with you again.This will be a cycle.What you have to do is stop initiating contact.I stopped initiating and he keeps inititing now.When you stop initiating he feels less pressure and can easily come to you.I'm also never relaxed!Always worry that hes gonna break up with me.Worry every single day and walk on egg shells.very frustrating!We should talk!I have so much experience with this type of guy.Do you have gchat? They don't have " intimacy issues", they are just not falling all over themselves for you and they are not crazy about you. There are girls out there who your boyfriend WOULD totally fall for whole heartedly and STAY with, and wouldn't dare let go of! And you obviously don't have much in the way of self esteem if this is what you settle for. Why not believe that you can end this, and find a man who you like just as much, and who doesn't keep you guessing? You bring this upon yourself by staying with these men. I did for nearly 3 years once. Never again. I have grown a pair and actually value myself now.
walkitout Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 They don't have " intimacy issues", they are just not falling all over themselves for you and they are not crazy about you. There are girls out there who your boyfriend WOULD totally fall for whole heartedly and STAY with, and wouldn't dare let go of! And you obviously don't have much in the way of self esteem if this is what you settle for. Why not believe that you can end this, and find a man who you like just as much, and who doesn't keep you guessing? You bring this upon yourself by staying with these men. I did for nearly 3 years once. Never again. I have grown a pair and actually value myself now. That's actually not true.There are many people out there that have generalized anxiety disorders and being in relationships gives them anxiety and the physical symptoms which makes them not be able to get close to someone cause everytime they do,they feel the symptoms.One of my guy friends has generalized anxiety and he is dating an amazing girl and he said he's in love with her an he said that scares him and everytime he has to see her he gets an anxiety attack because in his head relationships don't work out and starting something serious with someone even if hes head over heels for the girl,freaks him out.
Leigh 87 Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 That's actually not true.There are many people out there that have generalized anxiety disorders and being in relationships gives them anxiety and the physical symptoms which makes them not be able to get close to someone cause everytime they do,they feel the symptoms.One of my guy friends has generalized anxiety and he is dating an amazing girl and he said he's in love with her an he said that scares him and everytime he has to see her he gets an anxiety attack because in his head relationships don't work out and starting something serious with someone even if hes head over heels for the girl,freaks him out. Keep telling yourself that. I know most relationships don't work out. I have veryyyyyyyyy little faith that ANY man I start dating will actually work out long term. I get loads anxiety. Hence my threads. But it NEVER makes me break up or end things with a man I'm really into. Sorry but your " boyfriend " of 9 months who won't even make it official ISN'T that into you He broke up with you twice saying that he didn't feel that special feeling for you. Take a hint lpl. He isnt secretly head over heels in love... If he was, he'd not have left twice.
Leigh 87 Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 Ok I see your point maybe I am defending him too much, but if you look at what happened... He ended it with me fair a square, told me he wasn't feeling it, and told me straight. He's entitled to change his mind about the relationshop so he can't be berated for ending it with me. He didn't cheat, lie, hurt me, shout at me, steal, insult me, mess me around... all he did was call time when he felt that it was time. However then he had second thoughts which is what he's being berated for. I can see how if he was doing this on and off all the time that it would be bad of him, but once - I can forgive? If he backs it up with solid actions and following through on his words? A man who was head over heels for you wouldn't even entertain the idea of simply NOT feeling it..... 4 months is enough time to know if a guy is in love and crazy about u.
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