candiix Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Hi everyone. I've been seeing a guy for 4 months now. We are both late 30s with no previous marriages or kids and we live in the same town. It had been absolutely textbook - he arrnaged all the dates, stuck to his word throughout, has never let me down, we've met each other's friends and families, spent lots of time together and so on. Then last week out of the blue he went quiet. After 4 days of (unusual) silence I contacted him. Then he phoned me and said he was sorry he wanted to break up as he just wasn't 'feeling it' and thought it was for the best. I was in bits and very sad about this but I took him at face value and accpeted the decision. I wasn't planning to contact him again. The next night however he texted me saying he had made a mistake and could we talk about it. I arranged to see him a few days later (I had other plans) and in the meantime he contacted me again to say he was sorry for being a prat that week, he didn't know where it came from and hoped he hadn't f-ed things up. We met the following day and talked, he said he had just freaked out and couldn't really explain why but he was sorry and he wanted to try again, would I take him back. Obviously we had a more in-depth discussion and I said are you sure you don't want to take some more time to think about this he said no I'm sure let's try again. So we are trying again. The next day I got a huge bunch of flowers delivered to work. We are seeing each other every night this week - last night was, as usual, lovely and he's making a big effort with communication, talking about 'we' more than he did before, and we're making plans ahead including a weekend away. I should relax, right? But I can't. I can't seem to accept that he just had a flip out and now he's sure again. I am worried that a week, two weeks or a month will go by and he'll have a wobble again. I'm worried that he's trying again out of guilt for hurting me and deep down he's not really into this. I feel I can't trust him now and the bubble has burst. Whilst things are good between us I feel a bit nervous due to all of the above and it's making me act differently around him - more shy, perhaps awkward. In a viscous circle effect I'm worried my nerves around him will put him off and he'll go back to thinking he's not feeling it!! Can anyone relate? Is it common for men to have a blip like this or is he feeding me a line? Can our relationship grow from this or am I a mug to try again? Advice appreciated. 1
Gary S Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Well, he obviously has some issues. And him breaking up with you, with his disloyalty, your love level has taken a hit and gone down. Love is tied to trust... as trust goes down, so does love. I guess you'll just have to see if your trust can be rebuilt again over time, sometimes it can. Find someone with less issues than you do and you'll have less problems. 2
Frank2thepoint Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Unfortunately some people do have "blips" as you called it. Not just men. If you are concerned, then you should suggest to the guy to slow down the dating, maybe once or twice a week. You guys seeing each other every night is an overload, and could drive both of you to exhaustion. Talk to him about how you are worried about where this is going and take it slow.
Redhead14 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Hi everyone. I've been seeing a guy for 4 months now. We are both late 30s with no previous marriages or kids and we live in the same town. It had been absolutely textbook - he arrnaged all the dates, stuck to his word throughout, has never let me down, we've met each other's friends and families, spent lots of time together and so on. Then last week out of the blue he went quiet. After 4 days of (unusual) silence I contacted him. Then he phoned me and said he was sorry he wanted to break up as he just wasn't 'feeling it' and thought it was for the best. I was in bits and very sad about this but I took him at face value and accpeted the decision. I wasn't planning to contact him again. The next night however he texted me saying he had made a mistake and could we talk about it. I arranged to see him a few days later (I had other plans) and in the meantime he contacted me again to say he was sorry for being a prat that week, he didn't know where it came from and hoped he hadn't f-ed things up. We met the following day and talked, he said he had just freaked out and couldn't really explain why but he was sorry and he wanted to try again, would I take him back. Obviously we had a more in-depth discussion and I said are you sure you don't want to take some more time to think about this he said no I'm sure let's try again. So we are trying again. The next day I got a huge bunch of flowers delivered to work. We are seeing each other every night this week - last night was, as usual, lovely and he's making a big effort with communication, talking about 'we' more than he did before, and we're making plans ahead including a weekend away. I should relax, right? But I can't. I can't seem to accept that he just had a flip out and now he's sure again. I am worried that a week, two weeks or a month will go by and he'll have a wobble again. I'm worried that he's trying again out of guilt for hurting me and deep down he's not really into this. I feel I can't trust him now and the bubble has burst. Whilst things are good between us I feel a bit nervous due to all of the above and it's making me act differently around him - more shy, perhaps awkward. In a viscous circle effect I'm worried my nerves around him will put him off and he'll go back to thinking he's not feeling it!! Can anyone relate? Is it common for men to have a blip like this or is he feeding me a line? Can our relationship grow from this or am I a mug to try again? Advice appreciated. You will have to observe his behavior for a little while for sure, but try to relax. You have made the decision to try again and so you must "keep to your word" and let him demonstrate that he is sincere and more sure about things. I would also hit the "reset button". Go back to dating less frequently. Create a little bit of space for a while. When he is consistently showing his sincerity, you will become a little more comfortable. That being said, this has developed pretty quickly and 4 months is not a long time, you are still getting to know one another and there will be periods of uncertainty maybe even for you as things about each other come to light. You need to manage your emotions and expectations in the very early stages of a developing relationship with the understanding that one of you or both of your may come to a point where you realize that it won't work for the long run.
Author candiix Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 I guess I'll just have to play it by ear now. I do know that if he pulls that one again I will walk away without a fight - as they say fool me once etc. However I was quite happy with how things were and the pace and now the dynamic has changed. I feel a little like he was testing me to see how much I liked him? Now I'm not sure he's the straight down the line guy I thought he was while we were getting to know each other.
katiegrl Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 (edited) candiix, when he told you he "flipped out," did you ask him why? As in, what feelings was he experiencing that caused him to want to run away (flip out)? Anxiety, fear, feeling boxed in emotionally, suffocated, turned off.....what? The reason why it's important for you to know this is so YOU can determine whether he has some serious issues with intimacy, closeness and commitment.... OR if he was simply having a bad day! Or something in between. And if it's the former, protect yourself emotionally.. so as to avoid this happening again.. which will be worse the second time around. Edited April 16, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author candiix Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 He had a big night out, had a hangover the next day, starting thinking about us and felt he wasn't feeling it and when I got in touch a few days later he went with that feeling, but said as soon as he was saying it to me he knew he was making a mistake. He also said he's not had many long relationships before and that three months was usually when he bailed. He said three dates was long for him. He also said he'd talked it over with his mum who had suggested it was self preservation to stop himself from getting hurt. He said himself - which is true - that everything had been going well, we had not had any fall outs or disagreements, we had a blast together, and lots in common so he couldn't tell me really why he did it. Like you say it was the result of a bad day/hangover. Is that a valid excuse??? Really? There's no denying he's tried to make up for it since.
Gary S Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 He also said he's not had many long relationships before and that three months was usually when he bailed. - Hmmm, that's a red flag, yup, he's got issues. But are the issues too severe? He got back together with you right away, so things look promising! Perhaps his issue is not that bad, maybe you are the lady who's good enough to hold him! I do like what OP said about not accepting another breakup. More words of wisdom: We call them breakups because they are broken.
katiegrl Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 He had a big night out, had a hangover the next day, starting thinking about us and felt he wasn't feeling it and when I got in touch a few days later he went with that feeling, but said as soon as he was saying it to me he knew he was making a mistake. He also said he's not had many long relationships before and that three months was usually when he bailed. He said three dates was long for him. He also said he'd talked it over with his mum who had suggested it was self preservation to stop himself from getting hurt. He said himself - which is true - that everything had been going well, we had not had any fall outs or disagreements, we had a blast together, and lots in common so he couldn't tell me really why he did it. Like you say it was the result of a bad day/hangover. Is that a valid excuse??? Really? There's no denying he's tried to make up for it since. Alrighty then...... ugh. Frankly, if it were me, I would be concerned about his pattern of always bailing after three months, and his admission that three dates is long for him. And of course him bailing on YOU, and then changing his mind the next day. Very clear message he is sending you right there .... that he has some serious ISSUES! Proceed with caution! Meaning, slow it down and pay attention to consistency of actions. I would not just jump right back in willy nilly. Let him earn your trust again... he flipped out once, it's more than likely he could again...until he resolves his issues .... which caused him to flip out in the first place....AND bail after three months, etc. Take care of YOU! It's YOUR heart that is at risk of getting hurt again, and it takes A LOT longer than one day for him or anyone to resolve these types of issues. 2
Author candiix Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 I did think red flag straight away, especially as that is not what he told me initially (he said he lived with a girl in his late 20s which didn't work out, and his last relationship was 6 months last year, both of these could still be true but he might have also had one 3 monther after another in the interim) all that said I'm around the same age and I am single - I've had long term relationships but 2 out of 3 of them were horrible abusive ones, so I clearly have poor judgment, and I've been single now for 6 years!! So maybe that's a red flag to guys? Not making excuses for him though, and I absolutely mean it that there won't be a second chance if he does it again. I'm too old and cynical to go chasing if he dumps me for a second time. However right now he's doing everything right, and he sticks to what he says he will do, and he seems sincere. So I should just trust the process and let it happen for now? Right? Or I could end up cutting off my nose to spite my face?
Redhead14 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 He had a big night out, had a hangover the next day, starting thinking about us and felt he wasn't feeling it and when I got in touch a few days later he went with that feeling, but said as soon as he was saying it to me he knew he was making a mistake. He also said he's not had many long relationships before and that three months was usually when he bailed. He said three dates was long for him. He also said he'd talked it over with his mum who had suggested it was self preservation to stop himself from getting hurt. He said himself - which is true - that everything had been going well, we had not had any fall outs or disagreements, we had a blast together, and lots in common so he couldn't tell me really why he did it. Like you say it was the result of a bad day/hangover. Is that a valid excuse??? Really? There's no denying he's tried to make up for it since. This is typical, really, given the speed with which the relationship is developing. You've been spending a ton of time together and he had a hangover. It's really not an excuse though. It was a knee jerk reaction to whatever was happening. Instead of doing what he did, he should have said "hey, I'm not feeling great right, now, can I call you tomorrow or ____. He didn't stay "gone" for very long. Usually if its about actual fear of commitment or some deeper emotional issue, they'll push away for longer than that for sure. In this case, I wouldn't do too much prying. Observe his behavior and moods, etc. for a little while longer. If he had disappeared for longer than this, I'd be asking those questions myself. Pressuring him now when it appears that he is more invested and getting back on track, may cause him to back away again. Let him get into it more and "used" to the idea And, try to be relaxed. Your anxiety will come out in ways that may make him anxious as well. He also said he's not had many long relationships before and that three months was usually when he bailed -- you two are roughly at the "anniversary" point for him -- the point where he would usually have bailed and he is aware of that. So maybe it's a good sign that he's over the hump. 1
Author candiix Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 Okay thank you... this is reassuring. Believe me I will have as many 'issues' as he does - not least my insecurity and overthinking! He's the first guy in a long time that I've liked who appears to like me back and I can't fault anything else he has done in the time I've known him. I'd like us to keep trying and see where it goes so hopefully like you say he is over this 'hump' and there aren't any more humps coming up too soon!!
katiegrl Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I did think red flag straight away, especially as that is not what he told me initially (he said he lived with a girl in his late 20s which didn't work out, and his last relationship was 6 months last year, both of these could still be true but he might have also had one 3 monther after another in the interim) all that said I'm around the same age and I am single - I've had long term relationships but 2 out of 3 of them were horrible abusive ones, so I clearly have poor judgment, and I've been single now for 6 years!! So maybe that's a red flag to guys? Not making excuses for him though, and I absolutely mean it that there won't be a second chance if he does it again. I'm too old and cynical to go chasing if he dumps me for a second time. However right now he's doing everything right, and he sticks to what he says he will do, and he seems sincere. So I should just trust the process and let it happen for now? Right? Or I could end up cutting off my nose to spite my face? I don't think you would be "spiting your face" if you chose to walk away, there are a lot of red flags here for sure. I would probably walk away...but for me, such ambivalence and inconsistency is a huge turn off, so walking away would be easy. Not sure if that's good or bad, but it is what it is (as they say). Probably a defense mechanism.... You need to do what feels comfortable and right for YOU.
Author candiix Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 But he hasn't been inconsistent or ambivalent with me? Apart from this one incident in 4 months he has been entirely consistent since day one, and there is no ambivalence, we both like each other a lot.
Redhead14 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 But he hasn't been inconsistent or ambivalent with me? Apart from this one incident in 4 months he has been entirely consistent since day one, and there is no ambivalence, we both like each other a lot. Consistency is the thing to watch. If and when that drops off, it's a heads up that something needs to be addressed. And since there hasn't been any fighting, ambivalence or animosity of any kind, that's the only reason I'm even suggesting to wait it out a bit. Otherwise, I might tell you to bail. He may do a little more "rubber banding" -- short bouts of pulling away. But he should tell you what's going on while he's doing it. And, if this is the way he will be moving forward, you will need a ton of patience and understanding and weighing whether you can deal with it if the relationship keeps moving forward. For now, sit tight.
katiegrl Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 But he hasn't been inconsistent or ambivalent with me? Apart from this one incident in 4 months he has been entirely consistent since day one, and there is no ambivalence, we both like each other a lot. Wha? What do you call him bailing and then changing his mind the next day? He even admitted he wasn't "feeling it," but then woke up and suddenly *was* feeling it again. That is most definitely ambivalence.. and inconsistency....in behavior. But nevermind .... as I can see you are dead set on brushing this "one" incident off, so all there is to say now is I hope it works out, and good luck! 1
Gary S Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 This is typical, really, given the speed with which the relationship is developing. You've been spending a ton of time together and he had a hangover. It's really not an excuse though. It was a knee jerk reaction to whatever was happening. Instead of doing what he did, he should have said "hey, I'm not feeling great right, now, can I call you tomorrow or ____. He didn't stay "gone" for very long. Usually if its about actual fear of commitment or some deeper emotional issue, they'll push away for longer than that for sure. - Wow, Redhead, impressive! Yes, people go through stages in a relationship, and sometimes wonder if they should stay with their partner. However, the healthiest ones don't usually act out on it and breakup like this guy did. Me no likey.
Author candiix Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 Ok I see your point maybe I am defending him too much, but if you look at what happened... He ended it with me fair a square, told me he wasn't feeling it, and told me straight. He's entitled to change his mind about the relationshop so he can't be berated for ending it with me. He didn't cheat, lie, hurt me, shout at me, steal, insult me, mess me around... all he did was call time when he felt that it was time. However then he had second thoughts which is what he's being berated for. I can see how if he was doing this on and off all the time that it would be bad of him, but once - I can forgive? If he backs it up with solid actions and following through on his words? 1
Redhead14 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 (edited) - Wow, Redhead, impressive! Yes, people go through stages in a relationship, and sometimes wonder if they should stay with their partner. However, the healthiest ones don't usually act out on it and breakup like this guy did. Me no likey. I agree, this is not the healthiest way for him to have handled it. However, it appears to have been a blip at this point. He should have just said, "hey, I'm having a bad day, I'll call you back" or something. He's been consistent up to this point and can be afforded the benefit of the doubt once. If he'd had a "history" with her of this kind of thing, I'd ping him on it right now. I did tell her that I'd have told her to bail had everything else not being going well. He turned it around quickly. If he had gone longer, I'd question him harder for sure. Edited April 16, 2015 by Redhead14
katiegrl Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Ok I see your point maybe I am defending him too much, but if you look at what happened... He ended it with me fair a square, told me he wasn't feeling it, and told me straight. He's entitled to change his mind about the relationshop so he can't be berated for ending it with me. He didn't cheat, lie, hurt me, shout at me, steal, insult me, mess me around... all he did was call time when he felt that it was time. However then he had second thoughts which is what he's being berated for. I can see how if he was doing this on and off all the time that it would be bad of him, but once - I can forgive? If he backs it up with solid actions and following through on his words? There is no right or wrong here...you do what feels right for YOU! :) 2
Redhead14 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Here's the other thing about these types of posts, i.e. emotionally unavailable or commitment-phobic -- usually the OP is kinda determined to want to see if it can work, so sometimes we are trying to give some advice as to handle a wrong situation, the right way In other words, we may see it as a situation to bail from, but give advice about how to approach it to give it the best opportunity to work. It's a tight rope for sure In other words, it's possible to get an unemotionally unavailable or commitment phobic person to get closer, if you give plenty of space and patience and observe other things about them over time to determine if it's even worth it. They can't be rushed at or pressured in anyway once their emotions start coming to the surface and clearer to themselves and the other person.
No Limit Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Commitment phobe or cheater. Whatever it is, he won't stay for long. 1
PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 It reminds me of the sex and the city episode where Berger broke up with Carrie. He left for a few days, had second thoughts, told her he regretted it and she took him back. The next day, he broke up with her via Post It saying "I'm sorry. I can't."
Author candiix Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 Ha okay a mixed bag of views... I doubt he's a cheater though, we live in a pretty small place and have many friends and acquaintances in common, I think he'd be living dangerously if he thought he could get away with that! Well I saw him last night and great as usual. He's away now on a trip for 4 days. I've decided just to take it one day at a time. I will take what he said to me at face value - he said he wants to continue seeing me, he thinks this could be the real deal, he's sorry for having a wobble. If he changes his mind now, well that would be it for me. But I have to give him the chance. If it were me I would want, and take, the chance to make it right again.
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