Hold on tight

[DannyCA]

 

Last night I fell asleep with music playing and this song came on shuffle. Even though it's in my itunes, I've never heard it before. It's going to sound cheesy, but when it was playing, it was like a soundtrack to my dream. A dream of the first time my ex said I love you.

 

Funny how it's been so damn long, but I'm still dreaming about her. Still thinking about about her. Still allowing a part of me to believe that we will end up together.

 

Do I miss her? Scary to admit, almost everyday, despite how much time has passed. Life doesn't wait around for anyone. Yeah I miss her, I still believe that everything we were wasn't for nothing, all the love we had wasn't for nothing, but I can't put my life on hold for her.

 

A user on here named Grumpybutfun suggested a book to me and told me some words on a previous post of mine almost exactly a year ago today. Holy sh** I am glad he did both.

 

He basically told me to cut the bulls***, cut the negativity, just enjoy your life. Our lives are what we make of them. He told me to be aware and live with purpose. Figure out what you value and why. And damn did that get the wheels turning.

 

He explained to me that his "purpose" has changed over the years (for very good reasons I might add), but his underlying purpose has always been to be a good man. Granted a persons "purpose" varies from person to person.

 

When I was a child, my parents always taught me to be a good person no matter what and that has always been my most important ideal throughout my 23 years of life so far. It's crappy to think I let my most valued ideal slip in the midst of my BU.

 

I guess the point of my post is to do my best to let people know who are recovering from a breakup that they're not alone, that this crappy time will pass. Hell, reading a lot of the posts since I've become a member in 2013, I'm not really convinced anyone has ever pinned over an ex as long as me (or maybe they just don't admit it).

 

To me I think normalcy is all about keeping up the act. It is only socially acceptable to act "normal". What is normal in regards to relationships and ex's? Having a window timeframe of when you're supposed to find an new relationship and when you're supposed to get over your ex.

 

I read a lot of posts about getting their ex back. I was very guilty of this as well. Yet, I've learned that life is so much more than that. It's this wonderful experience that we are astronomically lucky to be getting to experience.

 

She was the one that made me feel like I could relate to all the great poets and songwriters when they spoke about love. And it wasn't until years after the BU did I realize that I wasn't in love with "the feeling" of love, but I actually was "in love" with her. Being her man, being her rock, her bestfriend; it all meant the world to me despite the honeymoon phase wearing off, I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But for now, I have to accept that her first boyfriend since we broke up will be a better man than I, a better partner, a better friend...

 

So in the end, this post is for everyone in a rut. It's my way of trying to console those individuals by saying at least you're not in a 2+ year rut lol.

 

Consider this when you think things are bleak between you and your ex.

-I don't want to be in a relationship until I become the best man I think I can be.

-I saw my ex for the first time in 2 years a few months ago and we had an amazing time, I haven't heard from her since.

-Weeks after I see her for the first time, she announces her new boyfriend

-Her new bf for the first time in two years, since me, not just some rebound guy

-I'm going to go to grad school in a year and I'm heavily considering doing it abroad, so I'd be thousands of miles away from her.

-So with her new bf and me leaving to the otherside of the world soon, maybe the chances of you getting your ex back seem way better than mine (not that that should be your main priority.)

 

So you can make it through this, I can make it through this. I guess this is about my acceptance in the ways things are. Acceptance in that life doesn't always turn out the way you want. Acceptance that I still love her as much as I did 2 years ago. But I can't put my life on hold because of her, neither can you put your life on hold because of your ex.

 

Hold on tight, this ride is a wild one; you and I will both get there...

[SheleftmeforMichael]

Thanks, Danny

[Jonp219]

 

Last night I fell asleep with music playing and this song came on shuffle. Even though it's in my itunes, I've never heard it before. It's going to sound cheesy, but when it was playing, it was like a soundtrack to my dream. A dream of the first time my ex said I love you.

 

Funny how it's been so damn long, but I'm still dreaming about her. Still thinking about about her. Still allowing a part of me to believe that we will end up together.

 

Do I miss her? Scary to admit, almost everyday, despite how much time has passed. Life doesn't wait around for anyone. Yeah I miss her, I still believe that everything we were wasn't for nothing, all the love we had wasn't for nothing, but I can't put my life on hold for her.

 

A user on here named Grumpybutfun suggested a book to me and told me some words on a previous post of mine almost exactly a year ago today. Holy sh** I am glad he did both.

 

He basically told me to cut the bulls***, cut the negativity, just enjoy your life. Our lives are what we make of them. He told me to be aware and live with purpose. Figure out what you value and why. And damn did that get the wheels turning.

 

He explained to me that his "purpose" has changed over the years (for very good reasons I might add), but his underlying purpose has always been to be a good man. Granted a persons "purpose" varies from person to person.

 

When I was a child, my parents always taught me to be a good person no matter what and that has always been my most important ideal throughout my 23 years of life so far. It's crappy to think I let my most valued ideal slip in the midst of my BU.

 

I guess the point of my post is to do my best to let people know who are recovering from a breakup that they're not alone, that this crappy time will pass. Hell, reading a lot of the posts since I've become a member in 2013, I'm not really convinced anyone has ever pinned over an ex as long as me (or maybe they just don't admit it).

 

To me I think normalcy is all about keeping up the act. It is only socially acceptable to act "normal". What is normal in regards to relationships and ex's? Having a window timeframe of when you're supposed to find an new relationship and when you're supposed to get over your ex.

 

I read a lot of posts about getting their ex back. I was very guilty of this as well. Yet, I've learned that life is so much more than that. It's this wonderful experience that we are astronomically lucky to be getting to experience.

 

She was the one that made me feel like I could relate to all the great poets and songwriters when they spoke about love. And it wasn't until years after the BU did I realize that I wasn't in love with "the feeling" of love, but I actually was "in love" with her. Being her man, being her rock, her bestfriend; it all meant the world to me despite the honeymoon phase wearing off, I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But for now, I have to accept that her first boyfriend since we broke up will be a better man than I, a better partner, a better friend...

 

So in the end, this post is for everyone in a rut. It's my way of trying to console those individuals by saying at least you're not in a 2+ year rut lol.

 

Consider this when you think things are bleak between you and your ex.

-I don't want to be in a relationship until I become the best man I think I can be.

-I saw my ex for the first time in 2 years a few months ago and we had an amazing time, I haven't heard from her since.

-Weeks after I see her for the first time, she announces her new boyfriend

-Her new bf for the first time in two years, since me, not just some rebound guy

-I'm going to go to grad school in a year and I'm heavily considering doing it abroad, so I'd be thousands of miles away from her.

-So with her new bf and me leaving to the otherside of the world soon, maybe the chances of you getting your ex back seem way better than mine (not that that should be your main priority.)

 

So you can make it through this, I can make it through this. I guess this is about my acceptance in the ways things are. Acceptance in that life doesn't always turn out the way you want. Acceptance that I still love her as much as I did 2 years ago. But I can't put my life on hold because of her, neither can you put your life on hold because of your ex.

 

Hold on tight, this ride is a wild one; you and I will both get there...

 

Danny, this was a wonderful read.

 

I checked out the book you recommended me to me, I haven't finished it yet because another book caught my interest but from what I read it's pretty amazing. The book I started reading in its place is called "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Dude, this book is absolute must read, ever since I started reading it it has brought me more peace and tranquility than I have ever experienced in my life, no exaggeration. It taught me how we as humans need to detach ourselves from our minds in order to reach the peak of inner peace. We must not immerse ourselves in our minds; instead, we should utilize it as a tool and put it down whenever we don't need it. It's definitely worth checking out, I feel different already. Not only has my mind cleared, but my heart rate and anxiety has simmered down significantly just by focusing on the NOW.

 

Your story makes me think about what I would do if my ex were to contact me. I'm not prepared to see her face to face, nor do I want to speak to her, now I have discovered this new peace within myself. However, that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't jump when I see/hear her name. Yesterday I was making a transaction on my Chase account and I saw her name and e-mail in my recipient list, just that alone made my heart beat a little fast, I had to delete her name at once. Although I know i'm not over her yet, after 2 months and change I think i'm handling it considerably well. That is until I find out she has someone new in her life, which I don't know because I haven't checked her Twitter in weeks. I think I would rather stay ignorant to that information for at least a few months or a year.

 

I don't have the testicular fortitude to keep songs on my mp3 that remind me of my ex lol. Almost every single love song that I associate with her has been deleted from my phone. There was this one song that she deemed as our song when we would argue it was called "For The First Time" by The Script. Man, I haven't heard that song since we saw them in concert last summer, if I were to hear that song right now I would cry uncontrollably for weeks. She even cried when we saw them perform it in concert and we were together at that time. She looked at me with tears in her eyes telling me, "I love you babe". Ah man, I'm sure if she were to hear that song till this day she would cry too lol.

 

Anyway man I respect you. I'm glad you're continuing to live your life despite still thinking about your ex. Unlike you, I don't know if I 'loved' my ex as much as you loved yours. We bickered a lot and I was too codependent, only way I would know is if we were to give it another shot in the future (which i'm not banking on, right now). You're a great guy and you have a strong character, I wish you the absolute best on this journey.

 

P.S. I remember you telling me about the girl after your ex. You left her because you weren't the man you wanted to be at the time, and you wanted more time to work on yourself. Despite believing she was better than your ex, you still let her go to work on you. I thought that was completely selfless of you and I really admire that. And who knows, maybe that's another reason you can't get over your other ex, you never had a chance to fall for the other one. However nonetheless you made the right decision with that girl, it isn't fair to bring others down when you're not sure about yourself.

 

Stay strong man, you got this!

Edited April 16, 2015 by Jonp219

[Itspointless]

Hell, reading a lot of the posts since I've become a member in 2013, I'm not really convinced anyone has ever pinned over an ex as long as me (or maybe they just don't admit it). [...] I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But for now, I have to accept that her first boyfriend since we broke up will be a better man than I, a better partner, a better friend...

Oh your definitely not the only one, and I am a lot older than you. It always takes me a long time. I feel so much better, but still regret what has happened. But as life is other things take priority, for now it is loosing my job, which I did not deserve either. But as I said, life is like that. Sometimes life sucks and sometimes - although that is rarest in my experience - it is bliss.

 

He is not a better man than you, perhaps for her, but we do not know that, do we?

[Throldur]

Yeah, I know my ex is not with a better man than me.

 

That just makes it worse. A lesser man has the thing I cherished most in my life. How is that fair?

 

How is he rewarded with something I hold dear for manipulating her fear, insecurities and pushing her to abandon her family and friends, on top of everything we had built?

 

I don't understand life. I'm a good person with the best of intentions who made some minor mistakes like every person does and I am here, bereft, bankrupt of the one thing I've always wanted and wanted to make work for forever?

 

**** that.

[DannyCA]

Danny, this was a wonderful read.

 

I checked out the book you recommended me to me, I haven't finished it yet because another book caught my interest but from what I read it's pretty amazing. The book I started reading in its place is called "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Dude, this book is absolute must read, ever since I started reading it it has brought me more peace and tranquility than I have ever experienced in my life, no exaggeration. It taught me how we as humans need to detach ourselves from our minds in order to reach the peak of inner peace. We must not immerse ourselves in our minds; instead, we should utilize it as a tool and put it down whenever we don't need it. It's definitely worth checking out, I feel different already. Not only has my mind cleared, but my heart rate and anxiety has simmered down significantly just by focusing on the NOW.

 

Your story makes me think about what I would do if my ex were to contact me. I'm not prepared to see her face to face, nor do I want to speak to her, now I have discovered this new peace within myself. However, that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't jump when I see/hear her name. Yesterday I was making a transaction on my Chase account and I saw her name and e-mail in my recipient list, just that alone made my heart beat a little fast, I had to delete her name at once. Although I know i'm not over her yet, after 2 months and change I think i'm handling it considerably well. That is until I find out she has someone new in her life, which I don't know because I haven't checked her Twitter in weeks. I think I would rather stay ignorant to that information for at least a few months or a year.

 

I don't have the testicular fortitude to keep songs on my mp3 that remind me of my ex lol. Almost every single love song that I associate with her has been deleted from my phone. There was this one song that she deemed as our song when we would argue it was called "For The First Time" by The Script. Man, I haven't heard that song since we saw them in concert last summer, if I were to hear that song right now I would cry uncontrollably for weeks. She even cried when we saw them perform it in concert and we were together at that time. She looked at me with tears in her eyes telling me, "I love you babe". Ah man, I'm sure if she were to hear that song till this day she would cry too lol.

 

Anyway man I respect you. I'm glad you're continuing to live your life despite still thinking about your ex. Unlike you, I don't know if I 'loved' my ex as much as you loved yours. We bickered a lot and I was too codependent, only way I would know is if we were to give it another shot in the future (which i'm not banking on, right now). You're a great guy and you have a strong character, I wish you the absolute best on this journey.

 

P.S. I remember you telling me about the girl after your ex. You left her because you weren't the man you wanted to be at the time, and you wanted more time to work on yourself. Despite believing she was better than your ex, you still let her go to work on you. I thought that was completely selfless of you and I really admire that. And who knows, maybe that's another reason you can't get over your other ex, you never had a chance to fall for the other one. However nonetheless you made the right decision with that girl, it isn't fair to bring others down when you're not sure about yourself.

 

Stay strong man, you got this!

 

Hey man thanks for the book recommendation! I ordered it as soon as I read your post. It sounds like an awesome book from what you've described. I glad you thought this was a good read despite, in its root, still being about an ex. And that's really good man that the book you talked about has brought you inner peace and tranquility. That's a hell of a step for someone at your stage. Hats off to you seriously, you're making amazing progress. Just keep it up.

 

No worries I can relate all to well to seeing or hearing your ex's name and it making your heart beat a little faster. It's a weird thing. You don't need me to tell you but, keep up your NC and no looking at social media. You're right, staying ignorant to the fact of whether or not they're seeing someone is for the best. Knowing my ex finally has a new bf doesn't hurt that bad, but if this was a year ago or more, holy sh** I would not have been able to keep myself together. But it's different for everyone lol. But I just see this as part of my journey in becoming the best man I can. Acceptance that this man is better than me, better for her.

 

And lol, I don't necessarily keep songs that remind me of her. If I like a song, it's going to be on my itunes no matter if it reminds me of her. She won't have that kind of power over me. But that song I put up, it just randomly started playing while I was sleeping, I had no idea it was even in my itunes, but it was enough to make me dream about her and inspire me to write this post.

 

Jon you want to talk about respect? Dude you are miles above the progress I was at 2 months. I can't say enough, hats off. You are well on your way to a great recovery. Once you're all healed from this BU, dude I can tell you're going to be in the best place mentally, etc you have ever been in your life.

 

Oh your definitely not the only one, and I am a lot older than you. It always takes me a long time. I feel so much better, but still regret what has happened. But as life is other things take priority, for now it is loosing my job, which I did not deserve either. But as I said, life is like that. Sometimes life sucks and sometimes - although that is rarest in my experience - it is bliss.

 

He is not a better man than you, perhaps for her, but we do not know that, do we?

 

I appreciate your words, maybe it was an exaggeration when I said I am the only one pinning this long ha. But you're right, sometimes life sucks, sometimes it doesn't. To me, it's just how you deal with it. So I choose to deal with challenges accordingly and to my own agenda.

 

"One could make a victory of those experiences, turning life into an inner triumph, or one could ignore the challenge and simply vegetate" (Frankl)

 

What makes you so certain my ex's first boyfriend in 2 years (since her and I broke up) is not a better man than I? I don't like to speak negatively about people anymore, it doesn't improve my life or theirs in anyway. This guy could be the biggest piece of sh** ever, but I don't know that, I don't know him. I have to be a good man about it. I have believe in her judgement, after all, it hasn't been my privilege in 2 years to be the man that gets to make her happy...

 

So I have to trust her and all her choices if I am to continue my life

 

Yeah, I know my ex is not with a better man than me.

 

That just makes it worse. A lesser man has the thing I cherished most in my life. How is that fair?

 

How is he rewarded with something I hold dear for manipulating her fear, insecurities and pushing her to abandon her family and friends, on top of everything we had built?

 

I don't understand life. I'm a good person with the best of intentions who made some minor mistakes like every person does and I am here, bereft, bankrupt of the one thing I've always wanted and wanted to make work for forever?

 

**** that.

 

Dude I'm sorry. That sounds like a sh** situation. I see all the issues you have with what's going on with your ex and her new bf, but what are you going to do about it?

 

Would it make a difference if you called her tomorrow and told her how you feel? Would it make you feel better to confront the new significant other?

 

Maybe all you can do is work on yourself, work on those minor mistakes you made and trust in her judgement. Or trust in her making the wrong decisions so she becomes a wiser individual.

 

But I understand man. When you lose the one thing you want the most in life it is a crappy feeling. Accepting that she can be better off with someone else is an even crappier feeling, but sometimes necessary

[Itspointless]

What makes you so certain my ex's first boyfriend in 2 years (since her and I broke up) is not a better man than I? I don't like to speak negatively about people anymore, it doesn't improve my life or theirs in anyway. This guy could be the biggest piece of sh** ever, but I don't know that, I don't know him. I have to be a good man about it. I have believe in her judgement, after all, it hasn't been my privilege in 2 years to be the man that gets to make her happy...

 

So I have to trust her and all her choices if I am to continue my life

What I meant is that he is a different person than you, that is all we know. She now wants a different taste of ice cream. We do not know anything about the quality of the ice-cream she is trying now. Let hope for her that she made a good choice.

[Jonp219]

What makes you so certain my ex's first boyfriend in 2 years (since her and I broke up) is not a better man than I? I don't like to speak negatively about people anymore, it doesn't improve my life or theirs in anyway. This guy could be the biggest piece of sh** ever, but I don't know that, I don't know him. I have to be a good man about it. I have believe in her judgement, after all, it hasn't been my privilege in 2 years to be the man

 

It doesn't mean he's a better man than you. Regardless of the fact that you don't like speaking bad of others, saying he's a better man than you because he got your ex is dis-empowering towards you. Some people prefer an Xbox One over a PS4, but that doesn't necessarily make it better

[DannyCA]

What I meant is that he is a different person than you, that is all we know. She now wants a different taste of ice cream. We do not know anything about the quality of the ice-cream she is trying now. Let hope for her that she made a good choice.

 

And I understand that. She wants a different taste of ice cream now, and her new boyfriend seems like that. No reason to get bitter or angry about it, cause after all it has been a while since we split, she deserves to do what she wants.

 

It sucks accepting that another man has replaced me finally after 2 years, but life doesn't always work out in your favor.

 

You gotta just keep fighting that good fight.

 

It doesn't mean he's a better man than you. Regardless of the fact that you don't like speaking bad of others, saying he's a better man than you because he got your ex is dis-empowering towards you. Some people prefer an Xbox One over a PS4, but that doesn't necessarily make it better

 

You're right, it doesn't mean he's a better man than I just because he's with my ex. But in a way it makes it more tolerable knowing she's finally in another relationship all these years later thinking he is a better man than I. It's not about dis-empowering myself, it's about being neutral and a good man about the situation (at least to me). It's about me letting go of negative feelings and believing in her judgment. And it's in that acceptance of the way things are is what's gonna let me move on. But you're right about the XB1 and PS4, just because people prefer a certain console over the other doesn't mean it's better. Hell, consoles are easier cause you can just get both, not like relationships

[Itspointless]

And I understand that. She wants a different taste of ice cream now, and her new boyfriend seems like that. No reason to get bitter or angry about it, cause after all it has been a while since we split, she deserves to do what she wants.

 

It sucks accepting that another man has replaced me finally after 2 years, but life doesn't always work out in your favor.

 

You gotta just keep fighting that good fight.

Sometimes we walk a while with some people. Sometimes we wish that it had been longer, and sometimes it turns out to be a blessing in disguise. It is OK to be sad or have moments of anger. Life means learning to live with change and loss, and loss definitely is not always fair.

 

Good things are in store at some point.