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All-New NC Guide is too bitter. I was the dumpER, but I want to become friends again

NeverGonnaSettle

By NeverGonnaSettle
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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NeverGonnaSettle Member

NeverGonnaSettle

Posted
Posted

In short, I broke up with my lover recently. She was the classiest woman I've ever had the privilege to date. Clearly, a good human being with great values and tremendous love, experience and wisdom to share with the world. Funny, energetic...

 

HOWEVER, after fighting my own gut regarding my innermost feelings for a year, I built up epic levels of anxiety (and panic!) because I knew that she was just not The One for me. It was not rational, I can't explain it yet. I'm still hurting and I did my damned best to keep it going b/c she's so wonderful. And yes, I was very open about my struggle with her, which I figured was significant of childhood traumas/baggage, not true incompatibility. Therefore, I spent a lot of time and money trying to "work on myself" during this relationship in order to keep it going. And she blessedly, generously accepted it, accepted me and my 'struggle' all while.

 

Nonetheless I just wasn't feeling comfortable that my love for her equaled her immense love for me, or that she was truly the person whom I'm meant to spend my life with (I'm 42, she's 52).

 

In her amazing, saintly way, she's still, NOW, willing to remain friends -- right off. Dunno how she's got the strength to do it, but she's tremendously strong. I'm not; I can't move on and evaluate what went wrong/right when interacting with her now causes me panic attacks 24 hours later as I contemplate what I've given up. In fact, beforehand, just deciding whether we should hang out gives me panic attacks.

 

Still, I hope to have myself figured out one day and be able to co-exist as friends b/c I and EVERYONE ELSE who meets her -- and her social circles are huge -- sees her as an inspiring, loving, glowing spirit.

 

And why wouldn't I want her back in my life some day?

But for now, I've had to not only break up, but cut off communication as well.

It pains me terribly, but the pain is less than the horrible anxiety I'd been having.

 

So:

a) all dumpers are not *******s

b) I'm doing NC for survival, as the dumper, and I hope to be well/whole/healed enough sometime in the future to invite her back into my life, as a friend at least.

 

(Yes, assuming she wants be back in hers, but I always treated her well and she insists she feels I've done her no deliberate "wrong." So her door will always be open to me. You see? I told you, she's a saint! Granted, in time she may come to think differently about our time together and her openness; it's human nature)

HollowSea Member

HollowSea

Posted
Posted (edited)

Don't hold your breath. In the time it takes you to find yourself she might just as well find someone who will take to her, and I don't think that will be hard from the way you describe her.

 

Also at this point don't even think about friendship if you can't truly handle it. You're 42 years old. You should know what you want.

Edited by HollowSea
  • Like 2
Ruby65 Established Member

Ruby65

Posted
Posted

Dumpers will typically want to ensure their exes are being kept "on hold" so they don't have to risk losing them forever in case they ever change their mind.... so I don't see anything unique in your situation.

 

I've been a dumper too, but I loved and respected my ex too much to keep him on the back burner as a Plan B for "maybe someday."

 

If you can't commit to her NOW, you lose -- and you just have to suck it up and eat the loss. If she's got a brain in her head -- and at her age, she should -- she'll be long gone by the time you decide you're *ready* to be her friend (or whatever).

 

Good luck to you, though! ;)

  • Like 2
mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted
I'm still hurting and I did my damned best to keep it going ... In her amazing, saintly way, she's still, NOW, willing to remain friends -- right off. Dunno how she's got the strength to do it, but she's tremendously strong. I'm not; I can't move on ...

And why wouldn't I want her back in my life some day?

But for now, I've had to not only break up, but cut off communication as well.

It pains me terribly, but the pain is less than the horrible anxiety I'd been having.

...she insists she feels I've done her no deliberate "wrong." So her door will always be open to me.

 

I've got news for you, my friend. While you may technically be the dumper, spiritually, you're the dumpee.

 

She's not all broken up about it - you are. The NC Guide is actually for you, to help you catch up to where she is - perfectly willing to know you, and more than comfortable with not having you as that special person in her life.

 

She didn't love you as much as you might think she did. You probably love her more than you know, or you wouldn't give a damn.

  • Like 2
Fufu Established Member

Fufu

Posted
Posted

I second mightycpa's words. I have known of scenarios where one person in the relationship does not want to stay committed in the relationship but not willingly to be the one to make the break for whatever reasons. In the end, when another party takes the initiative to break the relationship, this person who wanted the break initially moved on with his/her life.

 

she can be "Clearly, a good human being with great values and tremendous love, experience and wisdom to share with the world. Funny, energetic...:

 

Reality speaking, if she wants to move on and just remaining friends with you, it shows that she is not really into you now.

 

Move on, if she misses or loves you, let her be the one to initiate the revisit of the new relationship. Other than that, live your own life first.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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NeverGonnaSettle Member

NeverGonnaSettle

Posted
  • Author
Posted

As I wrote in a similar forum recently...

 

To those who want to be wisely cynical, or coldly insightful, let's move past the "... well you know, she clearly wasn't as into you as you think if she's ready to be friends..."

 

NOT helpful, not accurate.

 

I'm maintaining N/C so I can heal. SHE keeps trying to break it. About once a week or so, I get something in a chat message from her trying to reach out. I was explicit, and terribly apologetic, about needing to cut contact -- indefinitely -- while I do the healing/work/exploration/etc. that I need to do.

 

Up until now, we were very emotionally close. We trusted one another implicitly with any secret, any possession... SO!

 

Here's what I really prefer some perspective on:

 

WHAT DO I OWE HER?

 

I *feel* like I owe her my friendship. My compassion. My empathy. Ignoring her feels wrong. Selfish. A betrayal. Or abandonment, and I feel like she deserves better; because she never did anything wrong in any of this; she was always unconditionally loving, and I'm the one who walked away from the romance and then said: nope, can't be friends right now, either! I feel really ****ty. But to entertain being friends is extremely confusing and painful at this time.

 

What I'm describing is how/when to be responsible for one's ex-partner's feelings when s/he is a really terrific person who did nothing wrong. My therapist says I'm not responsible. Period. End of story. She's a grown woman, she'll handle her own business.

 

Meanwhile, I feel like a complete jerk telling her, my former best friend (whether I was alienated by our romantic mode, or not) and deep confidante that I have to cut her off, indefinitely. Could be forever, or at least til we've both moved on to new partners. ~~~~ It feels really ****ty!!!!!!

 

So I don't know what to do.

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted

So you think it's your job to hold your ex's hand while she explores? I mean, your therapist is right, but if you really want to do this the most painful, counterproductive way possible, I guess good luck?

  • Like 1
joseb Established Member

joseb

Posted
Posted

You can't be friends with your ex now.

You may be able to be friends in 6 months or a year if you feel you have both moved on and would not be bothered if the other person had a partner.

  • Like 4
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

Simply tell your that you cannot handle being in contact with her. Can she respect your request of NC as you have a lot on your mind to deal with.

 

Block her number if she contacts you after that.

 

She'll have easily be able to move on from how you describe her.

  • Like 1
erklat Established Member

erklat

Posted
Posted
You can't be friends with your ex now.

.

 

You can't be friends with your ex ever.

 

Once you become failed romantic partners there is only void beyond.

 

No need to justify yourself. She is no longer entitled to that.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

I think you don't understand your own mind, which is half your problem.

 

Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, the end of a relationship is still painful.

 

You don't owe an EX anything except maybe the duty to not be affirmatively mean to the person & general civility should you bump into them randomly after the BU.

 

You don't owe anybody friendship. Saying I want to be friends is one of the oldest lies in the book. At best it means I don't want to scream abusive things at you if I see you in the future. It never means real friendship, where you chat & hang out. The emotional closeness you felt was a function of the physical intimacy you shared. When that ended, so did the other emotional ties.

  • Like 2
BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

Posted
Posted
As I wrote in a similar forum recently...

 

To those who want to be wisely cynical, or coldly insightful, let's move past the "... well you know, she clearly wasn't as into you as you think if she's ready to be friends..."

 

NOT helpful, not accurate.

 

I'm maintaining N/C so I can heal. SHE keeps trying to break it. About once a week or so, I get something in a chat message from her trying to reach out. I was explicit, and terribly apologetic, about needing to cut contact -- indefinitely -- while I do the healing/work/exploration/etc. that I need to do.

 

Up until now, we were very emotionally close. We trusted one another implicitly with any secret, any possession... SO!

 

Here's what I really prefer some perspective on:

 

WHAT DO I OWE HER?

 

I *feel* like I owe her my friendship. My compassion. My empathy. Ignoring her feels wrong. Selfish. A betrayal. Or abandonment, and I feel like she deserves better; because she never did anything wrong in any of this; she was always unconditionally loving, and I'm the one who walked away from the romance and then said: nope, can't be friends right now, either! I feel really ****ty. But to entertain being friends is extremely confusing and painful at this time.

 

What I'm describing is how/when to be responsible for one's ex-partner's feelings when s/he is a really terrific person who did nothing wrong. My therapist says I'm not responsible. Period. End of story. She's a grown woman, she'll handle her own business.

 

Meanwhile, I feel like a complete jerk telling her, my former best friend (whether I was alienated by our romantic mode, or not) and deep confidante that I have to cut her off, indefinitely. Could be forever, or at least til we've both moved on to new partners. ~~~~ It feels really ****ty!!!!!!

 

So I don't know what to do.

 

 

You don't owe her anything. For some reason, she still likes you and seems to value your friendship; which is why (according to you) she's the one who keeps on messaging you to continue being in contact with each other. For a man in his 40s, you seem extremely lost within yourself regarding what you truly want out of life, not to mention you have a serious anxiety issue that most people would not want to deal with.

 

Ninety percent of the members of this forum have been looking for (and continue to seek) a loving, caring, kind, intelligent, faithful and emotionally stable person to enter into a relationship with. You were extremely lucky enough to have found such a person...and although this woman has done absolutely NOTHING wrong to you, has NOT betrayed you in any way (according to you) and still likes you enough to want to remain friends - you want absolutely NOTHING to do with her, because you feel she's "not THE one" for you to spend your life with.

 

Because of your emotional issues, mental baggage, childhood trauma and your indecisiveness with regard to what you want out of life and WHO you want it with - you basically threw this wonderful woman away...and not only that, but you want to go NC with her INDEFINITELY, "until" you "figure yourself out" and "until you and she have been with someone new".:confused: At your age, you should've already figured out what you want out of life and have figured out what kind of person you are and what kind of person you want in your life.

 

In my opinion, this woman has truly dodged a bullet by you breaking up with her. If you really want to go NC forever - just DO IT. If you BLOCK her from all your social media, your e-mail and from your phone, then she will NOT be able to "keep on messaging you" and breaking your NC requirement. I think your ego is enjoying the fact that she still wants you in her life in some capacity and you're enjoying the attention she's giving you - even though you insist that you've informed her "explicitly and was terribly apologetic to her about you NEEDING to cut contact with her INDEFINITELY". Stop kidding yourself, OP. If you really REALLY want to go NC with her forever and ever - TELL HER directly *without* being "terribly apologetic" about it, and then BLOCK HER in EVERY WAY humanly possible.

 

Once you do that, you'll feel SO much better...then you won't have this wonderful woman who keeps on bugging you to remain in contact with her because she just can't seem to get over you and move on with her life. Then, you'll be able to "find yourself" and "discover what you truly want out of life" and be able to "enter into another relationship with someone new" (when you couldn't even handle the last relationship you were in with someone who was wonderful).

 

Do you honestly believe that she's going to be waiting in the wings for you while you "discover yourself"? Do you honestly think that going NC indefinitely "until" YOU'RE ready to PERHAPS consider being in a relationship with her again is realistic and, even feasible?

 

Seriously though, I hope you DO employ NC with her INDEFINITELY...for HER sake. This woman - by the way you describe her - deserves someone much better than you; she deserves a man who is more mature, more confident, more emotionally stable, who knows what he wants out of life (and is NOT afraid to pursue it), who realizes when he DOES have something wonderful right in front of him and who has his $hit together.

 

 

 

.

  • Like 2
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

 

Here's what I really prefer some perspective on:

 

WHAT DO I OWE HER?

 

I *feel* like I owe her my friendship. My compassion. My empathy. Ignoring her feels wrong. Selfish. A betrayal. Or abandonment, and I feel like she deserves better; because she never did anything wrong in any of this; she was always unconditionally loving, and I'm the one who walked away from the romance and then said: nope, can't be friends right now, either! I feel really ****ty. But to entertain being friends is extremely confusing and painful at this time.

 

What I'm describing is how/when to be responsible for one's ex-partner's feelings when s/he is a really terrific person who did nothing wrong. My therapist says I'm not responsible. Period. End of story. She's a grown woman, she'll handle her own business.

 

Meanwhile, I feel like a complete jerk telling her, my former best friend (whether I was alienated by our romantic mode, or not) and deep confidante that I have to cut her off, indefinitely. Could be forever, or at least til we've both moved on to new partners. ~~~~ It feels really ****ty!!!!!!

 

So I don't know what to do.

 

You do not owe her a friendship, and you are not responsible for sorting out her feelings. When you break, you break. That's it. You decided to break up, so you have to bear out the consequences of that decision. Even if the breakup was for the best, there are still consequences- good and bad. A breakup is a type of abandonment. I'm sure you do feel sh*tty. I'd say that's normal, but being her friend doesn't fix any of that. It's never going to feel good to hurt someone you love, even if the breakup is for the best.

  • Like 1
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

In your heading, you say the NC guide is too bitter. I think you completely misunderstand. NC is about creating boundaries after a breakup. It's unrealistic to think you can be friends after a breakup. Very few people are able to pull that off. And by few, I mean almost none.

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NeverGonnaSettle Member

NeverGonnaSettle

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks to all.

 

And BlackOpsZG... please stop projecting. Your judgments of who/how I am are your baggage showing through. Hate your ex or yourself or your harshly critical parents all you want, but I'm not the person you're mad at. I get up every morning well loved, because *I* by far my own harshest critique. The rest of the world loves me just fine. Or not.

 

My submissions here are a reflection of my angst at hurting someone I've cared for deeply; she was close to enough to what I really do want in life that to walk away from her causes me deep ambivalence and obvious guilt. The rationalizations I or anyone else in my shoes share on this site are out of an attempt to feel some control. Tada!!!

 

If you want to exploit that to make yourself feel superior, then your vitriol is your work to overcome.

Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

I'm doing NC for survival, as the dumper, and *I hope to be well/whole/healed enough sometime in the future to invite her back into my life, as a friend at least.

 

 

I hope she forgets all about you, and meets someone who truly loves her.

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