Lying and disrespectful boyfriend

[EmptySoldier]

First time writing in any forum ever, so, hi.

 

Some backstory-

 

My bf have been together for about a year now. We're both 20. We actually met about 4 or 5 months before we actually became a couple. I was having a difficult time in my life and was drinking and partying a lot (we're I'm from the legal drinking age is 18), though not an ideal girlfriend I guess. He was having a difficult time as well, with drinking, and smoking weed all the time.

 

We met through mutual friends (who were also doing bad stuff), and we hit off. I started hanging around his house where he lives with his parents, and they really liked me so I started sleeping over a lot. We became best friends and I started living with him officially, though I actually hate drugs. Besides our mutual friends, he hung out with some low-life kids in another neighborhood. All they did was hang out outside and smoke weed.

I started caring for him more than a friend and he did too, but I said I would never be with anyone who does drugs, so after a while he actually quit. I made him stop hanging out with those kids from the other place, I broke it off completely with our mutual friends, and they broke it off with him 'cause he was with me. So he's presumably been clean for around 11 months now, or so he says.

 

What's up right now-

 

Recently (a few months), he's been distant. Going out drinking every weekend with his friends, never inviting me, being secretive (never actually mentioning who he's seeing, never saying where he goes, hiding when he writes on his phone etc). I lost contact with a lot of friends since my bf and I got together, I never go out and party and stuff out of respect for my bf, since I know he doesn't like it.

 

So anyway two weeks ago, Friday I thought we were gonna hang out together. Last minute he says he's going out with the boys again (mind you he never took me anywhere, always complaining about "I have no money" though he would still go out clubbing with his friends and stuff, and never went out of his way to do anything sweet or nice with me). And since it was last minute, I had no way to try and make other plans, and this was the like 5th time he's dissed me like that.

 

Naturally, I was upset. I told him the day after how he's been acting, that I feel taken for granted, and that I was hurt. He apologized for the way he had been acting and said he would take it easy on the drinking and starting to pay more attention to me. So the next day, he went out again.

 

Naturally, I was pissed. So I took a few things, and went to my parents to stay there for a week (this was last week, Monday). I talked to friends, my parents, his mom, and they all agreed he'd done wrong. He tried calling me, i didn't answer. He texted me and I answered sometimes, albeit coldly. He said he was sorry and regretted it a lot, going out again. On Friday his parents were invented over to my parents (they were invited a while back) so whatever, I said to his mom to bring him. So my bf and I spoke a little and we made up.

 

And this week (actually about a 2 hours ago) I found out that he's been hanging out with those low-lives from the other neighborhood. And that he smoked weed again last week. But the thing is, I had to hear it from his mother (she hates that he smokes too). Her friend had seen him out last week, in that bad neighborhood, stoned as f***.

 

So I checked his phone, he barely let me, kept pulling it away from me until I got mad. He had just checked my phone (since he keeps thinking I'm cheating on him though I'm really not, so I was llike "fine let me check your phone then." I found that he had been messaging those people I told him not to talk to. He'd also written stuff like "bro, got any weed I can buy?" (Not like that but you know what I mean) and that he misses smoking, that he wanted to do it a couple of weeks ago but he didn't have the time (probably because I was at home and he couldn't sneak away without me getting suspicious) etc.

 

I confronted him with the evidence; he lied to me for 30 minutes until I calmly convinced him to tell me the truth. I was calm but I was boiling inside, still am.

So we talked to his parents in the other room. His dad doesn't know that he's been smoking again, apparently he would kill him if he knew, so his mom and my bf think it would be best if his dad didn't know. But his dad found out he's been talking to been talking to those kids he shouldn't be talking to, and told him to delete their numbers

 

Afterwards I asked my bf if he deleted everything. He said yeah, except on Instagram. First I asked him to show me, but he was hesitant to let me see his phone, and he didn't show me (I.e he didn't remove their contact info). I told him to remove them from Instagram too, and he got defensive. I said NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT AT ALL. And he started saying s*** like "how am I supposed to contact them on Instagram??". Obviously, my boyfriend is terrible liar, or possibly retarded. I'd say both.

 

I told him either those "friends" go, or I go. He has other friends who don't do ****, they're nice people, they work, go to school and don't do bad stuff. But he chooses to be with the people that will ruin his life.

 

I'm pissed. I can't trust this guy to tell me the truth about anything. To involve me in his life. I think I want to break up. If he wants to live like this, fine. But why the f*** do I have to be a part of it?

 

What do you think about the situation, and what should I do?

[whichwayisup]

Break up with him. You're young and have so much more life and relationships to experience. This guy is going no where and chances are he's going to continue smoking up and drinking. You say too, he hasn't treated you very well, he lies and hides stuff from you, possibly too may be cheating on you.

 

Wish him well and end it. No need to stay, you're not obligated to him.

[Quiet Storm]

You need to either accept he smokes or let him go. Stop acting like his mother and telling him who he can hang out with. He's a grown man. If you don't like his choices or his lifestyle, you have every right to break up. But controlling him, dictating who he can be friends with, tattling to his parents.. all that does is make him resent you and make you lose respect for him. You hate drugs, he smokes weed and likes going out drinking without you. It sounds like you two are not compatible. You've been trying to change him to meet your expectations but "making him" do what you want isn't going to stop him from being drawn to that lifestyle and those people. It's better to just find a guy who is already compatible with you.

[MissBee]

Break up with him. You're young and have so much more life and relationships to experience. This guy is going no where and chances are he's going to continue smoking up and drinking. You say too, he hasn't treated you very well, he lies and hides stuff from you, possibly too may be cheating on you.

 

Wish him well and end it. No need to stay, you're not obligated to him.

 

I agree.

 

So much more is wrong here than right.

 

You're just 20, you're not his wife, you don't have his kids and I don't foresee this improving. I'd suggest you walk away and move on to a healthier relationship. I don't like when any woman (or man) stays in a messed up relationship, but I am more understanding of why a woman with kids with a guy or who is married to him or is up in age might. However, I find it especially sad when young girls who are late teens/early twenties are sucking it up in bad relationships when they aren't married, have no kids, and it's normal to date around until you find someone to settle with and their bf at the moment is by no means the last man on earth. If you found a good person and all was well early on, great, but if the relationship is full of lies, cheating, mistrust, disrespect etc and esp if you're young, RUN don't walk away!

[blackcat777]

The relationship sounds toxic. You deserve and would be better off with a person who values honesty and respects you.

 

One thing I would caution against in your next relationship, however... is that you can never MAKE someone do anything. Forcing/guilting/nagging someone to act against their own true desires will get you something fake at best, and will either cause resentment or distance, as you experienced.

 

Dating is a screening process... screen for someone whose desires are harmonious with your own. It will save both parties a lot of trouble.

[EmptySoldier]

Thanks for the replies,

 

I've thought about this, and I really feel that I should break up with him, seeing as he does not seem to be ready for a relationship. It's just hard for me, because otherwise he's a great, loving guy. Well, most of the time. And I live at his place with his parents, and they know my parents, I've met his relatives a bunch of times and they adore me..

I know that I shouldn't really base my decision on that, but it makes it harder for me. And he's my first real boyfriend (I've been afraid in the past to get this emotionally involved with a guy, for fear that this would happen) and I'm his first girlfriend. So I've never dumped anyone before.

 

But maybe that's a thread for another category?

[SycamoreCircle]

I would add that the parents are part of the problem. Letting a girlfriend live with their son in the family house? Poor boundaries, in my opinion.

 

You know the answer to your dilemma. Yes, you are going to lose the comfort you enjoy. I think that's what you're conflicted about.

[Toodaloo]

Why is he still your boyfriend?

 

Grow a pair tell him its not working and end it. Simple as.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yes, you sound like you're just being more of a nuisance and performing a motherly duty more than anything...hence why you get along with the parents.

 

But it's not up to you to do that and you should never have to act like a parent in a relationship, he's still growing up and likely to be doing this for at least a few years down the road and there's guys like him that never change, or at least it takes until his 30's or 40's and that's usually after having kids and being pressured by his entire family and baby-momma, is that what you want to be? another nag trying to get your BF into shape like you're some military boot-camp sergeant? scolding him and punishing him for every ridiculous mistake he makes and he keeps making them because he's an idiot. I don't understand what women get out of those kind of relationships, I guess it's nice to actually be smarter or take care of someone else.

 

Secondly, the guy is 20...sorry, but 20 year old guys don't belong in relationships, they don't know what they're doing, what they want, or who they are. Even if he was attending an Ivy league school, he'd then be too busy for the likes of a healthy relationship and it doesn't mean he wouldn't be a cocky douchebag either. It's just simply too young of an age for guys to date, and no people are not as mature for their age as they think they are...young guys don't have that want to prioritize you, and be thoughtful and all that other crap thing that women want/expect/hope from their young relationship partners, and if they do happen to be that way they're more than likely insecure, obsessive/jealous or clingy/needy. Any average guy growing up with a half-heart of independence is not going to be on the same page relationship wise, it's too much pressure and expectations, you've already set yourself up to be disappointed...and I don't even know why women even desire those kinds of things at such an early age, it's as if they are desperate for love and attention right out of the gate of becoming a teenager.

 

Stop dating this guy, it doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong, you're the one that looks like a fool for being with the guy not him, but saying all the dumb things he does and how he lies and is untrustworthy, it doesn't make him look worse or bad because he's already doing that on his own, it just makes people question your own sanity, self-worth and competence...because if you're with a guy that smokes pot all the time, hangs out with trashy friends, is jealous but probably is cheating on you and the only reason he tells you not to do anything he does is because he feels insecure about what you may be doing but he doesn't care what he does...which you take as some kind of stupid duty to fulfill for some reason like it's going to make a difference...this all just makes you all the more foolish. Love alone/emotions or what you think of love and emotions with your very limited experience...shouldn't determine alone, the quality of guys you date, you should have a standard and love for yourself that transcends above that...otherwise you're going to be with guys like this for a long time and likely over and over until you're 30 and then it's finally clicked in your head by then that you shouldn't give into to just your emotions..who knows, by then you'll be complaining about being a single mom, because the dad doesn't work and smokes weed all the time and yadda yadda yadda, same tired @ss story and yet there you are, still wasting your time and energy into the guy...what a life.

 

So 10 years later, or does it stop now? how long will it take you to learn...up to you on how you want to spend/waste your romantic life and energy, just know that the present and now dictates the reality far more than the little fantasies in your head of what could be if everything was "perfect". I hope you learn that lesson now before you waste years of your life on this kind of "love".

[EmptySoldier]

I just remembered something. I got jumped by a couple of people about 6 months ago. In a few weeks I'll find out if there will be a trial. My boyfriend and his mother are supposed to witness since they saw everything. Not I'm worried that he won't witness if I brake up with him. I've read everything and you guys are right, I really should end this relationship.

 

Now I don't know what to do. He was hesitant to witness for about 3 months until I convinced him (some boyfriend huh) so now I think he'll just bail on me if I brake up with him.

 

And yes, I'm aware that I sound like his mother. I've even said it to him, that I want to be a GIRLFRIEND, not MOTHER. I really don't want to be a nag.