My story

[Meli22]

Hey all! Thought I'd share my story

 

 

Was with my guy for almost 2 years when, a few months back, he started complaining that something felt "missing" between us, but didn't know what. Now he had recently lost his uncle very suddenly who he was pretty close to, so I figured it may have been his grief. Our relationship stayed pretty stable except he wasn't always as affectionate as he once was. He still wanted to spend a lot of time with me, and our intimate life didn't dwindle. However, he still complained of the spark/passion not being what it used to be. I understand that once the honeymoon period ends the spark/crazy passionate feelings fade too, but a deeper relationship is established. I explained this to him but he felt it wasn't like him to get complacent, although that is very natural. I suggested doing new things, going to new places etc. It might be worth mentioning that my bf had a history of depression/anxiety, but during this phase it was only our relationship that was affected, he was fine in other aspects of his life.

 

After a few months of his complaints, and him becoming distant, and also a little nasty towards me at some times, I decided to have a talk with him. We agreed to have a break to see if it could help clear his head. He came back after a few weeks and said he wanted to try again, that he realized what he lost and that he simply lost himself in our relationship. I was happy enough to try again. But it didn't last long; a few weeks later he became distant again and this time, tried to blame me? I was tired and hurt to the point where I was constantly upset (not to him, but myself) and I tried to be patient but couldn't take anymore. I was tired of feeling worried and loving someone who wasn't returning it. I explained all of this to him, with hopes that he would be understanding and show me some positivity or hope that it may change. But he didn't. We had a pretty nasty break up around 1 month ago, when I say nasty, I just mean argumentative and emotional. And we haven't spoke since. I am starting to feel a little better in myself. I am enjoying things more and have things to look forward to, but I am still hurting over this. I don't understand any of it, and the most painful part is that he let me go so easily. Now, I know I technically "dumped" him, but I feel like I was the one who was dumped - if that makes sense? And seeing as though I was dumped, I shouldn't "expect" to be fought for as that can be manipulative. That's not what I am getting at, I didn't break up to test him, I saw no other alternative and it was hurting me a lot. I have been beating myself up wondering why I wasn't good enough and why he changed. I know deep inside that I'm a good girl; he said himself I am perfect for him, but he isn't being the way he should be. I have heard from a mutual friend that he was pretty upset about the whole thing, but I still don't understand why he didn't try to convince me not to break up or hint that he wanted this, seeing as he wanted to try again. Instead he was pretty nasty about it. And as we know, actions speak louder than words. I know the first thing to spring to mind is that he didn't love me anymore, but the last time we spoke he said he does love me. And I know this guy enough to know he wouldn't lie.

Before all of this happened I was very happy. We were planning on moving in together soon and things just seemed great. He was my best friend, and he is a good guy. But now I feel like I am left picking up the pieces because of his issue, and its really broke my heart.

 

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share my story and wonder if anyone has been in a similar situation, or can offer some insight

Edited April 15, 2015 by Meli22

[jen1447]

Might have been depression. That can have a profound effect on people's ability to make an effort.

 

I'm not encouraging you to feel guilty tho. Mental illness isn't something within your power to fix.

[Meli22]

Thanks Jen. Yeah I thought it may have been too, but he did say he felt fine in other aspects in his life. Which hurt because I felt like I was making his life worse ha! He was a real deep thinker and used to over analyse things a lot so I don't think that helped.. He was going to go for therapy but there was a huge waiting list and he didn't think it would help him anyway so he didn't go ahead with it

[jen1447]

I've known a handful of people with clinical depression, and one trait that seems almost universal with them is a certain degree of shame over it. That would suggest he might not want to be totally upfront with you about it all, so I wouldn't get too wrapped up in the ins and outs of what he says as far as that goes. I understand it's human nature to do so, but I think you already know that really there's not a lot you can do for someone to 'cure' their depression. It's not just unhappiness that you could fix by making them happy, it's a mental illness.

 

Stay strong hon, hugs.

[Meli22]

Thanks Jen

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Chalk it up to depression, or some serious mental illness,

Or try to take it for what it is; the the removal of love and feeling of bliss,

It seems cut and dry to me, at least, that he just felt differently,

But in the face of rejection, tried to spare his own dignity.

 

In all fairness and woe, maybe the relationship has ran it's course.

He didn't want to be with you anymore, but too afraid to admit the feelings source,

However, I'm leaning toward jen's answer because he claims he still loves you,

Depression and grief from passed love ones can cause people to act quite askew.

[Meli22]

Yeah, I do think he may of got caught up in the honeymoon phase and struggled to adjust after it wore off. Nothing happened or changed between us for his feelings to suddenly change. as I say, he was a deep thinker and I do believe he could be looking for something that is perfect forever. but relationships take work and effort after the infatuation wears off, and I kinda feel like he gave up on that. He did contradict himself a lot during the last few weeks, which is why none of it made sense to me. He spoke to a mutual friend a week or so ago, and said himself he can't understand it at all

[Meli22]

It's been nearly 4 months since my break up. I felt awful for the first 2 months but then things started to pick up. I got my dream job that I wanted for SO long and I've started to see light at the end of the tunnel. However, this past week for some reason I have been missing my ex a ridiculous amount and I don't know why. I briefly dated a guy for a few weeks but I ended that because he was too full on. I wouldn't say he was a distraction because my ex was still on my mind a lot then too. We've had no contact at all, I thought he may have congratulated me on my new job because whilst we were together he knew how much I wanted it and helped me in ways to work towards it. His sister congratulated me as I have her on Facebook so I'm assuming she would have told him (I know it's silly of me to expect that of him). I find myself wondering if whether he misses me too which I know is pointless and stupid but I can't help it. Our break up was pretty messy and I hate that it went that way. I feel like I've lost not only a partner but also my best friend. Has anybody else felt like this? Is it normal this far on?

[OldSoul86]

Milestones have a brutal way of reminding us that our significant other is not there for us anymore. I would say that it is normal to feel that pang when something exciting happens in your life. As long as it does not throw you back several steps in your healing, I'd just ride the wave and before you know it you'll be back on the right path.

 

As for your ex offering you congratulations - don't put too much faith in that happening. Just remember, that people can genuinely be happy for one another without the other person ever knowing. If you meant something to him at one point, he will feel happy for you - he may never express it though.

[Meli22]

Yeah that's true. I don't expect anything but I think because I know I would, is why I thought I might get the same. My mum made a good point - I can't talk to him now because it would be too hard, and maybe that's the case for him. You're right in saying that milestones seem to feel like a set back in a way, I suppose it's just because I wanted to share and celebrate my news with him like we used to!

[Meli22]

It's been almost 4 months since my ex and I broke up. The break up was messy. It was initiated by me because he just changed. He stopped loving me the way he used to, and he was having doubts about his feelings that he couldn't explain but put down to his anxiety. He treated me pretty crappy the last few months of our relationship but I still stuck by him whilst knowing he wasn't sure about me. It came as a shock because nothing had happened, he just started having these doubts that he couldn't explain. I still to this day don't know why he changed. Anyway, I'd had enough and initiated a break up. After a couple of weeks he came back after he'd realised his loss, only to change again a few days later. He was pretty nasty to me during the break up and it was me consoling him, despite it being him with the issue causing us ending.

 

There has been no contact whatsoever. My therapist has opened my eyes to how he was during our relationship, turns out I was completely blind lol! He was controlling, constantly accusing me of looking at other men, changed the way I dressed, and made me feel constantly not good enough for him and guilty for things I hadn't even done. He stormed out of my house on my birthday over something he had pictured in his head (did I look at guys in the gym?) and because I said no, he didn't believe me and left. He didn't apologise for ruining my birthday because it was "just another day". I grew to dislike myself and always felt like I could never match up to his expectations. When he told me something was "missing" , it made my self hate become even worse; I just couldn't make him happy no matter what I did.

 

So I went through the usual break up emotions: sadness, extreme anger, depression etc etc. then I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. I started working out more and got into the best shape I've ever been. I've got myself into the career I have wanted for so long. Without sounding big headed... I'm getting more attention from guys than I ever have and I briefly dated someone too, but they were too full on for me so that ended. People, even mutual friends, told me all the time that I deserved better than him and it was his loss and he won't find someone like me. All in all, I was feeling good.

 

This past week or so however my ex has been on my mind so much and I don't know why. I miss him a lot. I don't miss how he was with me towards the end but I miss what we had. I literally cannot stop thinking about him and it's making me feel disheartened. I don't know if he is seeing anyone but find myself wondering and it hurts me to think that he could be giving someone else his attention. The wonderings of why his feelings changed have also returned and so have the wonderings of what he is feeling or thinking. It's all pointless energy I know, and I'm still carrying on with my life but there have been urges to break no contact (I'm strong enough to resist them though thankfully). I have been dreaming about him too which hasn't happened for a long time.

 

So my question is.. Why now? Why am I suddenly feeling this set back? Is it because of the lack of closure, the not fully understanding (he said a lot of contradictory things, one minute he loved me so much and just wanted to be more passionate, the next it was all him and nothing to do with me, the next it WAS my fault that he felt this way). Has anyone been through something similar? I just pray for the day to feel indifferent. I know it can happen because I've done it with a previous ex, but I can't imagine not feeling anything for this one.

 

Sorry to go on - thanks for reading

Edited July 4, 2015 by Meli22

[Yummm]

It's just a blip.

 

Citalopram survival guide - No More Panic

 

Scroll down to the subsection of 'blips' and read it thoroughly.

 

It's not a set back, it's a bad wave that can last a while but it will pass and then you'll feel even more free.

 

When the thoughts come to forefront of your head, move them to the back by distracting yourself. Do NOT dwell on the thoughts, let them be there and pass in time, dwelling on them keeps you in that situation longer.

 

Stay strong xx

[Meli22]

Thanks Yummm

 

Yeah I suppose it is just a blip, I don't feel like I've taken a step back. I guess it's just one of those weeks where it's hitting me hard again. But it's just the road to recovery.

[Meli22]

So I'm 4 months post break up. I'm doing good, a lot better than I was. But my ex is still on my mind. I don't know why? I find myself over analysing the break up sometimes still, although not as much. Basically my exes feelings changed, and he began treating me horribly so I left. What I find myself sometimes wondering is why his feelings changed. We have spoken about it and he himself doesn't understand why. I don't know whether it's a combination of the rut we got stuck in, boredom or his insecurities (he could not trust me at all, for no reason, even accusing me of looking at other men constantly - it caused a lot of arguments). He told me he thinks this could happen in every relationship for him so obviously I don't think it was necessarily anything I did.

 

Our relationship overall wasn't that healthy which is why I'm relieved it's ended. He was incredibly insecure, controlling and possessive and it caused many arguments. I changed as a person and became quiet and withdrawn (my friends noticed) because I was on eggshells all the time. In that aspect, I'm glad it's ended and I no longer have to put up with that hassle. I've done a thread called anger/realizations a couple months back about his behaviour.

 

So why am I still thinking of him? I don't want him back, I no longer feel in love with him, I know he was no good for me. But my ego still feels bruised. I know he is dating here and there, and, even though I am too, when I heard about it I felt a pang of pain. We spoke since the break up and he made it clear that his life isn't all rainbows and butterflies and admittedly, it made me feel a little relieved because of the pain I had gone through whilst we were together and after we broke up. I think back to how lousy he was and people tell me all the time that I can do so much better, it's his loss etc. so why do I still think about him so much? Is it just simply the idea of what he could have been? Thoughts? Anyone been through something similar?

[Gaby]

Hello did you do the dumping or was it him?

 

I think its normal to think about the person you love(d) every now and then.

I know i did alot.

Do you miss being with him in an relation or just seeing him and talking to that person?

[Meli22]

I did the dumping but only because he didn't know what he wanted anymore. So it was kind of him who made the decision, I just had the balls to walk away.

 

I don't know what I miss. Sometimes I miss him and the good times, other times I don't miss him because of how nasty he sometimes was and how he made me feel. I don't know if it's just my ego that's bruised, I think I've been feeling like this ever since I found out he'd been dating. I miss what could have been but realistically it never would have worked due to how controlling he was, telling me what I shouldn't wear, accusing me of looking at men constantly etc etc..

[Gus Grimly]

I think you miss the companionship/relationship more than him. You even said it yourself; "But my ego still feels bruised.". You're not completely over him, so stop telling yourself that you are. You should be practicing No Contact. If you had been in NC you'd never know that he's dating. You need to protect yourself from that. You need to remove yourself from his life forever. Keeping tabs on his day to day is only going to do you harm. Please consider doing the right thing for yourself.

[Meli22]

Gus, we're not in contact. If you read in my other thread, a friend of mine decided to tell me (out the blue, I didn't ask about him) that he's been dating around.

[Morphine]

Gus, we're not in contact. If you read in my other thread, a friend of mine decided to tell me (out the blue, I didn't ask about him) that he's been dating around.

 

Meli it is absolutely normal to think about your ex. Some move on quicker than others. My ex gf moved on 1 day after the break up - she fell in love with a guy after 4 hours meeting. Day later she broke up and now they are seeing each other. My ego isn't bruised - it is destroyed (I was going to propose to her last week!).

 

I have not moved on yet, but it has only been 3 weeks. I have thinking about her every single day. And I am sure I will think about her at 30, 60, 90 180 days post-break up. It is what you are feeling about him what counts. And you said you are no longer in love with him. That's good.

[Meli22]

Morphine, that's rough I'm sorry to hear. To move on after 1 day is not normal at all though, and to be in love after 4 hours is just mind blowing. I'll bet this is nothing to do with you but the type of person she is. Maybe she loves the excitement. Yeah it's good that I no longer feel in love. I still have feelings but I think it's mostly my pain and ego that's damaged. I think when someone's feelings for us change, with no explanation, we can't help but take it personally and not feel good enough.

[foolinlove79]

Its confusing and very hard i know. If i sat and really thought about my rs it was more bad then good. But i tend to idealize it and him. The reality is he wasnt a great guy and it wasnt a great rs. I know i could never take him back. But i still think of him often. Hopefully that will pass with time. I think its normal. You cant spend that much time with someone and not miss them.

[Gus Grimly]

Gus, we're not in contact. If you read in my other thread, a friend of mine decided to tell me (out the blue, I didn't ask about him) that he's been dating around.

 

Oh I see, well then that was probably unavoidable. You should tell your friends that you are not interested in such information as you are trying to recover from this breakup. I'm sure your friends will happy to oblige.

 

Just try to remove yourself from your Ex's circles. Not saying you should become a recluse, but you need to put all your energy into yourself. Use this breakup to become empowered, find a new hobby, learn something new, accomplish a goal you never completed. This is a fresh start for you and while you may still be vulnerable you can redirect your energy into something productive.

 

Easier said than done, I know, but at least give it a shot. You never know.

Edited July 21, 2015 by Gus Grimly

[Meli22]

Oh I see, well then that was probably unavoidable. You should tell your friends that you are not interested in such information as you are trying to recover from this breakup. I'm sure your friends will happy to oblige.

 

Just try to remove yourself from your Ex's circles. Not saying you should become a recluse, but you need to put all your energy into yourself. Use this breakup to become empowered, find a new hobby, learn something new, accomplish a goal you never completed. This is a fresh start for you and while you may still be vulnerable you can redirect your energy into something productive.

 

Easier said than done, I know, but at least give it a shot. You never know.

 

I have distanced myself from this particular friend because he isn't a friend of my exes, I just put him onto my ex whilst we were together for some work. So they are in touch regarding work and that's that. But I felt by my friend telling me this pointless info, his loyalty to me was somewhat diminished slightly, because he knows how tough this whole break up has been on me. It's bad enough them remaining in touch but to tell me that kind of stuff I just found heartless, especially when I hadn't actually asked.

 

Since the break up I've managed to land my dream career which is amazing, and came at such a strange but good time too after I had been trying for so many years. I'm getting back on my feet but I think my friend telling me that has maybe set me back a little. I don't feel jealous. I don't actually want to date my ex. I just feel like it's more proof that he wanted to see what else was out there. If that makes sense? I know it may mean nothing because I've been dating myself and none of it has become meaningful or exclusive. When my ex and I last spoke which was the only time since the break up, he made it clear to me (without my asking) that he doesn't go out and just stays in a lot and in a weird way, that made me feel good. Sounds strange I know... So I guess hearing from a different source that he's dating (the inevitable) as maybe hurt my ego a bit, and made me feel set back almost.

[aloneinaz]

If it's only been 3 months since your R/S ended, you're going to be thinking about your last ex. It's perfectly normal. Whether you ended it or got dumped, people are going to think about their last. Why? Cause you have a huge whole in your life right now. For 2 years you've had that lover, companion and friend in your life. W/out that person to fill the void, you're going to feel lonely.

 

 

From what you said in your original email, the relationship appeared to have ran it's course. You guys already had one short break or break up that didn't resolve anything (they never do) and you ended it again.

 

 

What you need to do is breathe and relax. Remind yourself that how you feel right now and the thinking about the ex is what everyone does in your position. Keep yourself busy w/your career. Work out to release endorphins. Set some goals and find a hobby or two.

 

 

In my experiences after break ups, you will continue to fill better and better as time passes with absolute NC. You have to also constantly remind yourself that this last person wasn't meant to be and push out any thoughts of "trying it again". We've all done the recycle thing with usually disastrous consequences. The other thing that happens to get you fully over your last R/S is to find someone new who rocks your world. Your mind is then occupied with the new person who hopefully provides everything you want from a partner.

[Meli22]

Thanks aloneinaz. You're right we did have a short break in which he came begging back, only to have his same doubts just days after I agreed to get back.

I held onto that for a while because I felt I had been messed around. Hopes built up again etc. I don't know how or why relationships run their course, I always thought there's usually a reason which I guess is why I sometimes still find myself wondering now.