CurlyIam Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 She's playing the victim. She's not chosing you but not chosing to be without you either. Her friend at work is right - she's waiting for something better. By that time, it doesn't really matter if she's single or not. Johan, if you really love somebody, don't you want to be with that person? Won't you scream and yell and do something outrageous if she were to leave and if sex were fantastic? Won't you DO something? There's your answer. Let her go. She lies when she says she loves you. She just doesn't want to be the bad person. You know what? She is! Go for someone who really whants YOU, who cares and is mad for YOU, don't take surrogates of love. Cheers, Curly
shamen Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Hi Johan, A year or two? That's way too long to ask you to wait. You sound like such a sweetheart, don't let her walk all over you. If she's unable to commit to you after three years, maybe it's time to go...
meanon Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Johan, she either doesn't love you enough or she has serious problems with commitment, with taking the risks involved in giving up the security of the known, the manageable, for an uncertain future. Has she ever lived with someone before? If not then I don't think this is about love. I think it's about fear. Her fear is stronger than her love. The thing is, it doesn't matter which it is if it keeps her from you. So often in these situations, people are convinced at the last moment that they are loved and they stay because of it, but nothing changes. How much do you know about her problems and what she is doing about them? How confident are you that this is something she is taking responsibility for and can be improved with time? If you are sure of each other's love and she can show you that she is working her way towards you, then you may feel you need to give it time to see what can be achieved. Not years, but some time. To me it seems she is too quick to write off the relationship and that this is a sign that she will not make the changes she needs to in order to risk her heart. At the moment she is saying: "these problems are part of me, take me or leave me". "What you want is legitimate" but you expressing what you want (asking her to make a commitment, questioning the relationship when it's not forthcoming) is not, it's "too painful". "It seems you'll be happier with someone else". These are classic avoidance tactics. If it is solely the problems that are in the way, you should know all about them and be involved in resolving them. She wouldn't want that because then she'd have to do something about them and it's frightening, it's too difficult. I don't know if it will help but I'll tell you of a couple in similar circumstances. They are very much in love, he has problems that have kept them apart. There have been many break and make ups. He has never had the right type of treatment, he knows what it would involve and he can't make himself do it. Instead he sees his problems as facets of his character, part of who he is. When the relationship is under threat, he promises he will get help, talks of moving in together but never follows through. She gets more and more disappointed and confused. Finally, after a two month break during which they were both utterly miserable, he proposed, booked himself in for treatment and she is moving in with him. They are giving it 6 months and if it works they will buy a house together. She's not said yes, yet. People can overcome the habits of a lifetime with love as an incentive. To me the significant difference to your situation is that he always fought hard for the relationship, even as he rejected facing up to the problems that made it fail. There's no easy way out of the position you are in. If you leave you'll always wonder, if you stay you could be wasting your life. I don't think this will end well, Johan but if you need to be sure you've given it every chance then ask her more about what's going on. Insist that you would not be happier with someone else (if you do still feel that way) and that if there isn't enough trust now, then there never will be. Tell her that whatever she's been doing to address her problems clearly hasn't worked, so why should you have any confidence that time will make a difference? Explain that you need to be involved in deciding how her problems are tackled, as they are having a major impact on you as a couple. Make it a condition of staying with her, tell her it's what she needs to do for you to be together.
Author johan Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by shamen You sound like such a sweetheart, don't let her walk all over you. Thanks. I'm not letting her walk all over me. It's not black and white like that. It's very gray. It kills me off and on. Originally posted by meanon Johan, she either doesn't love you enough or she has serious problems with commitment, with taking the risks involved in giving up the security of the known, the manageable, for an uncertain future. Maybe the problem is the opposite. She'd prefer to have a present that is very uncertain but hers alone, over a future that is very certain with me. Originally posted by meanon Has she ever lived with someone before? If not then I don't think this is about love. I think it's about fear. Her fear is stronger than her love. The thing is, it doesn't matter which it is if it keeps her from you. So often in these situations, people are convinced at the last moment that they are loved and they stay because of it, but nothing changes. She's lived with guys. Those relationships didn't work out either. Some of her fear comes from what she's been through. Maybe it comes from her father as well. She thinks I'm like her father in a lot of ways, and it doesn't always make her happy. I know it wouldn't be a good thing if she reminded me of my mom. I love my mom, but I don't want another one. Originally posted by meanon How much do you know about her problems and what she is doing about them? How confident are you that this is something she is taking responsibility for and can be improved with time? If you are sure of each other's love and she can show you that she is working her way towards you, then you may feel you need to give it time to see what can be achieved. Not years, but some time. To me it seems she is too quick to write off the relationship and that this is a sign that she will not make the changes she needs to in order to risk her heart. I don't know a lot about her problems. I know some things, but I can't explain everything about her. I don't know. Originally posted by meanon At the moment she is saying: "these problems are part of me, take me or leave me". "What you want is legitimate" but you expressing what you want (asking her to make a commitment, questioning the relationship when it's not forthcoming) is not, it's "too painful". "It seems you'll be happier with someone else". These are classic avoidance tactics. If it is solely the problems that are in the way, you should know all about them and be involved in resolving them. She wouldn't want that because then she'd have to do something about them and it's frightening, it's too difficult. We've talked a lot about this stuff over the past week. We had a nice time together as well. I felt a lot of love from her, but she seemed kind of sad, too. Sad from all we've been through lately. Originally posted by meanon I don't know if it will help but I'll tell you of a couple in similar circumstances. They are very much in love, he has problems that have kept them apart. There have been many break and make ups. He has never had the right type of treatment, he knows what it would involve and he can't make himself do it. Instead he sees his problems as facets of his character, part of who he is. When the relationship is under threat, he promises he will get help, talks of moving in together but never follows through. She gets more and more disappointed and confused. Finally, after a two month break during which they were both utterly miserable, he proposed, booked himself in for treatment and she is moving in with him. They are giving it 6 months and if it works they will buy a house together. She's not said yes, yet. My reaction is that he'll backslide. At 6 months she'll start giving him extensions on the deal. It's in the nature of a person like him to react only to the absolute limit of the other person's patience. Hm.. Wonder how I know that? Originally posted by meanon People can overcome the habits of a lifetime with love as an incentive. To me the significant difference to your situation is that he always fought hard for the relationship, even as he rejected facing up to the problems that made it fail. There's no easy way out of the position you are in. If you leave you'll always wonder, if you stay you could be wasting your life. I don't think this will end well, Johan but if you need to be sure you've given it every chance then ask her more about what's going on. Insist that you would not be happier with someone else (if you do still feel that way) and that if there isn't enough trust now, then there never will be. Tell her that whatever she's been doing to address her problems clearly hasn't worked, so why should you have any confidence that time will make a difference? Explain that you need to be involved in deciding how her problems are tackled, as they are having a major impact on you as a couple. Make it a condition of staying with her, tell her it's what she needs to do for you to be together. Thanks, Meanon. I think everything you said was very good. I have so much faith in her when we're together. I lose it when we aren't.
Thinkalot Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 I have just looked back over old posts and read this Johan and it made me sad. Sorry for your pain and all your efforts and the situation you have had to deal with. I hope you get what you deserve....and what you deserve is good things, love, compassion and committment.
Recommended Posts