Girlfriend encourages me to go out alone

[Johnson1]

Okay, tell me what you think of this. My girlfriend encourages me to go out alone with my friends. Just now I told her I was going out with friends after work and her response was 'Okay, Have fun'. She didn't ask where I was going or anything. We've been having problems and she knows I'm not content with the way things are going because she puts distance between us. I want to see her more often and she doesn't. She is very distant and moody and a lot of times she makes me feel she doesn't care about me because of her distance and half hearted smiles, but she says she loves me. With her everything is about trust. Should I take this as a sign she really doesn't care about what I do because she wants a reason to go out with her friends alone? Is she hiding the fact that even though she says it's okay that really it's bothering her? How many ladies encourage their boyfriends to go out alone with friends?

 

The way I see it trust is a double edge sword. There's the kind of trust where you KNOW that someone loves you through kindness and sweetness and you believe that they really are giving you 100% of their trust and you act accordingly because you know you are loved by them.

 

Then there's the kind of trust where someone says, I trust you, but what they're really saying is I don't really care about you, so go out and have fun because I want to go out and cheat myself.

Edited April 15, 2015 by Vocals5

[Adrian88]

It is over. Once your girlfriend encourages you to go out alone or with friends it is over. Her interest level has dropped below 50% which is past the point of no return. I would initiate the break up and get out right now if I were you. Go no contact.

[pteromom]

I am happy if my husband goes out and has fun. Why wouldn't I be? I want him to be happy! I don't WANT to be his sole source of happiness - that is really unhealthy.

 

In your gf's case, it could be one of two things.

 

- she is just a very secure person who wants you to be happy with your whole life - not just with her.

 

or

 

- she really doesn't care what you do, as long as it isn't with her.

 

You can probably figure it out if you look at her other actions. Is she loving toward you? Does she laugh with you? Do you have talks with her about honesty and loyalty and what boundaries you both have, and are you on the same page in regard to those things? Is she happy to introduce you as her boyfriend? Is she happy with the time she spends with you?

[Johnson1]

It is over. Once your girlfriend encourages you to go out alone or with friends it is over. Her interest level has dropped below 50% which is past the point of no return. I would initiate the break up and get out right now if I were you. Go no contact.

 

The thing is we went out for 90 days and she got back together with me and said she was sorry.

[Johnson1]

Is she loving toward you? Does she laugh with you? Do you have talks with her about honesty and loyalty and what boundaries you both have, and are you on the same page in regard to those things? Is she happy to introduce you as her boyfriend? Is she happy with the time she spends with you?

 

1) Not always. Sometimes very affectionate, other times distant and cold. She admits she's a moody person and not to take it personally or think somethings up, but it's almost impossible not to. She is IMPOSSIBLE to figure out.

 

2) She claims she's honest and loyal to the hilt. The only boundaries we set are always on her terms. She dictates when we can see each other. She wants her ME time at home to chill because she's been single her whole life but has multiple short term and sometimes long term relationships.

 

3) She is happy to introduce me as her boyfriend everywhere we go and we have that we're in a relationship on FB.

 

4) She's not always happy when we spend time together. After work she's crabby and says she feels like I'm unhappy and bored being at her place when I'm not otherwise I wouldn't want to come over. She puts off on me when she's the one that really doesn't want me there during the week because she's used to her ME time with her TV and scrolling FB till she goes to bed. I don't think she's talking with any of her guys friends, but I can't be sure. Maybe she wants all her ME time to spend on the phone messaging her guy friend (whomever it is) if that's the case. Again, I can't be sure. She IS home when she says she is, that much I do know.

Edited April 15, 2015 by Vocals5

[fitnessfan365]

It is over. Once your girlfriend encourages you to go out alone or with friends it is over. Her interest level has dropped below 50% which is past the point of no return. I would initiate the break up and get out right now if I were you. Go no contact.

 

You sound paranoid and insecure man. It's actually a good thing when a woman respects your space and isn't acting clingy complaining that you want time with the boys. A relationship is supposed to be about two people complimenting each other's life. Not defining it.

 

So if you'd rather have a woman that acts clingy and complains that you want time with your friends that's cool. But I'll personally take a woman that's independent and responds with "Have fun" anyday. I mean encouraging a guy to break up with his GF because she wants him to have fun with his friends is just plain bad advice IMO.

[Redhead14]

Okay, tell me what you think of this. My girlfriend encourages me to go out alone with my friends. Just now I told her I was going out with friends after work and her response was 'Okay, Have fun'. She didn't ask where I was going or anything. We've been having problems and she knows I'm not content with the way things are going because she puts distance between us. I want to see her more often and she doesn't. She is very distant and moody and a lot of times she makes me feel she doesn't care about me because of her distance and half hearted smiles, but she says she loves me. With her everything is about trust. Should I take this as a sign she really doesn't care about what I do because she wants a reason to go out with her friends alone? Is she hiding the fact that even though she says it's okay that really it's bothering her? How many ladies encourage their boyfriends to go out alone with friends?

 

The way I see it trust is a double edge sword. There's the kind of trust where you KNOW that someone loves you through kindness and sweetness and you believe that they really are giving you 100% of their trust and you act accordingly because you know you are loved by them.

 

Then there's the kind of trust where someone says, I trust you, but what they're really saying is I don't really care about you, so go out and have fun because I want to go out and cheat myself.

 

How long have you two been seeing each other? And, how often do you see each other?

[Johnson1]

How long have you two been seeing each other? And, how often do you see each other?

 

We went out of just shy of 90 days, broke up for 3 weeks, then got back together. Between that time we each dated someone and each broke up with them.

[Redhead14]

We went out of just shy of 90 days, broke up for 3 weeks, then got back together. Between that time we each dated someone and each broke up with them.

 

How often do you see each other? Once a week, twice? I'm trying to gauge if she could be feeling smothered. If you're seeing her more than that, it could be the problem for her given her need for space.

 

Was this issue the reason you broke up?

 

Bottom line, I'd get busier myself and let her miss you. If she misses you enough, she'll try to accommodate a schedule that works for both of you.

[Johnson1]

How often do you see each other? Once a week, twice? I'm trying to gauge if she could be feeling smothered. If you're seeing her more than that, it could be the problem for her given her need for space.

 

Was this issue the reason you broke up?

 

Bottom line, I'd get busier myself and let her miss you. If she misses you enough, she'll try to accommodate a schedule that works for both of you.

 

When we first started going together we spent every day together and slept over each others places. She was going to move in with me, but then we had our first argument and everything changed. She changed completely. After that she said things would be different. She puts limits on when we see each other or stay at each others homes. Right now she's got me down to only staying overnight on Friday or Saturday night because she claims during the week is too stressful because she doesn't get enough sleep while I'm there because I wake her up, even though she'll stay up till 12:30am when I'm not there and get up at 8am. The days we see each other vary. I have to ask her and either she'll say, I guess it's okay if you come over, or she'll flat out say 'not tonight babe'.

 

It was an issue when we broke up. For me that's the main reason. She wanted to go from Sunday afternoon thru Thursday without seeing each other. I miss her when we're apart, but she doesn't. It seems the crapier and distant I am and act like I don't care the more of a positive reaction I get out of her, but I hate having to act like I don't care because I'm a softhearted person who really loves her.

[Redhead14]

When we first started going together we spent every day together and slept over each others places. She was going to move in with me, but then we had our first argument and everything changed. She changed completely. After that she said things would be different. She puts limits on when we see each other or stay at each others homes. Right now she's got me down to only staying overnight on Friday or Saturday night because she claims during the week is too stressful because she doesn't get enough sleep while I'm there because I wake her up, even though she'll stay up till 12:30am when I'm not there and get up at 8am. The days we see each other vary. I have to ask her and either she'll say, I guess it's okay if you come over, or she'll flat out say 'not tonight babe'.

 

It was an issue when we broke up. For me that's the main reason. She wanted to go from Sunday afternoon thru Thursday without seeing each other. I love her and miss her when we're apart, but she doesn't.

 

I love her and miss her when we're apart, but she doesn't. You two are just not on the same page. There's no balance in the relationship. I'd bail.

[Johnson1]

Bottom line, I'd get busier myself and let her miss you.

 

I know. It's tough though because I don't know what she's doing while I'm out because of the fact that she doesn't care that I'm out with my friends. Do you know what I mean? She wants to miss me. She says she doesn't get the chance to, but how many days apart does she need? I don't want to be a 'part time' boyfriend. I like spending time with her, but for her seeing me every other day is too much.

[fitnessfan365]

Heck yea bro. She is a total enigma. Big on the mind game crap. Sometimes she'll be normal and caring when we drive together and she'll put her hand on my leg and I'll put my hand on hers and she'll put her other hand on my arm, and sometimes she's a cold fish who won't talk, give me half hearted smiles and stare straight ahead or out the window.

 

To be honest, it sounds like you are you're own worst enemy. Tons of insecurity and unnecessary paranoia. Instead of keeping it simple planning dates, and F'ing her brains out, you're over complicating things. You're examining her every action, coming up with excuses on why she might not like you as much, etc.. I mean since when is a GF being supportive and saying to "Have fun" with friends a bad thing?

 

Just take a breather and get back to the basics. Call her and say "Hey baby, I'd love to see you. When are you free to get together?" She tells you when, you have a date, you bang her brains out, and repeat. If she's communicating that she wants a bit of space and that every other day is a bit much, you say "No worries. Call me when you want to get together." Then you back off and allow her to come to you. Then as her interest rises, you start planning more dates and having lots of good sex again. But overall, you just need to get out of your head.

[smackie9]

Off and on again relationships are a waste of time, yours is floundering, get out.

[Echo74]

Heck yea bro. She is a total enigma. Big on the mind game crap. Sometimes she'll be normal and caring when we drive together and she'll put her hand on my leg and I'll put my hand on hers and she'll put her other hand on my arm, and sometimes she's a cold fish who won't talk, give me half hearted smiles and stare straight ahead or out the window.

 

This ^^^ and other things you've said about her are red flags in my opinion.

You've only invested a few months in this relationship at this point so you need to think about this…do you really want to put up with someone who is moody a lot and plays mind games. If it's like this now after such a short time, it'll only get worst with time. That's not encouraging for a happy relationship. The longer you prolong breaking free from her, the more difficult it will become.

 

Good luck with whatever you choose for yourself.

[pteromom]

1) Not always. Sometimes very affectionate, other times distant and cold. She admits she's a moody person and not to take it personally or think somethings up, but it's almost impossible not to. She is IMPOSSIBLE to figure out.

 

Is it possible there is nothing to figure out, but that she's told you what you need to know? That she is moody and needs "me time" and you shouldn't take it personally?

 

2) She claims she's honest and loyal to the hilt. The only boundaries we set are always on her terms. She dictates when we can see each other. She wants her ME time at home to chill because she's been single her whole life but has multiple short term and sometimes long term relationships.

 

Hmmm... I get needing "me time". That is really important to me too. I don't like clinginess. As far as her dictating when you see each other, is that because you ALWAYS want to see her, so she is the one who has to enforce space?

 

3) She is happy to introduce me as her boyfriend everywhere we go and we have that we're in a relationship on FB.

 

That's good.

 

4) She's not always happy when we spend time together. After work she's crabby and says she feels like I'm unhappy and bored being at her place when I'm not otherwise I wouldn't want to come over. She puts off on me when she's the one that really doesn't want me there during the week because she's used to her ME time with her TV and scrolling FB till she goes to bed. I don't think she's talking with any of her guys friends, but I can't be sure. Maybe she wants all her ME time to spend on the phone messaging her guy friend (whomever it is) if that's the case. Again, I can't be sure. She IS home when she says she is, that much I do know.

 

Maybe she feels like when you are there, she needs to entertain you, so she can't relax? If that is the case, that's on her, but part of it may be on you too. Do you tend to need a lot from her when you are there? Are you self-entertaining? Are you good at just being chill and allowing comfortable silence and being off in your own corners?

[Johnson1]

If you have a woman in your life that's jerking you around, it's because you're allowing it to happen and settling. Remember, in the end you're the one responsible for your own situation. If you act like a man from the get go, set boundaries, and walk away from women that waste you time, you'll start to date higher quality women. Also, the women in your life will actually respect you for having a backbone and not being so passive aggressive and insecure.

 

Look at it this way. There are two types of people that come on the forums here. The first are those that offer advice and share experiences. We're genuinely happy in life and either have great relationships or are relatively successful in dating. We deal with problems in the real world, communicate well, and don't complain or vent. Then there are those like the OP that come onto complain, make excuses, and act like an innocent victim. They're passive aggressive and insecure. They whine. They're entitled. Instead of dealing with problems in the real world, they'd rather hide on a forum. This is why he's having problems with his GF.

 

Get bent! I'm not doing any of what you said. Many couples go to counselors to work out their problems and to figure each other out. It doesn't mean they're insecure. Get your head out of your butthole and stop acting like you have the perfect life over everyone else because there's no such thing.

[pteromom]

Heck yea bro. She is a total enigma. Big on the mind game crap. Sometimes she'll be normal and caring when we drive together and she'll put her hand on my leg and I'll put my hand on hers and she'll put her other hand on my arm, and sometimes she's a cold fish who won't talk, give me half hearted smiles and stare straight ahead or out the window.

 

Is she playing mind games, or are you over-analyzing what she says and does, trying to "make sense" out of something she's already explained?

 

If she is truly playing mind games, then getting out may be in your best interest.

 

As far as sometimes being engaged with you and sometimes being cold, that is a symptom of the moodiness she told you she experiences. If you are feeling bummed out or disappointed or angry or self-hating about something, the last thing you want to do is be romantic and giggly with someone. You just want your partner to be kind and understanding.

[Johnson1]

Maybe she feels like when you are there, she needs to entertain you, so she can't relax? If that is the case, that's on her, but part of it may be on you too. Do you tend to need a lot from her when you are there? Are you self-entertaining? Are you good at just being chill and allowing comfortable silence and being off in your own corners?

 

The first sentence you said, that's it. She feels she needs to entertain me. I take her out of her comfort zone. I don't push myself on her. We just sit next to each other and I'll put my hand on her leg and we'll watch TV. She say's I look bored looking out the window, but I don't do that. I think me being there makes her feel guilty that she isn't giving me the affection and the attention she thinks I want. She thinks I want her hugging and kissing me constantly, but that's not it at all. I don't expect that at our point in our relationship. It used to be like that, but it's not anymore and I'm okay with that. We just need how to learn to just 'be' together within each others space and feel comfortable. We have yet to learn how to do that.

[pteromom]

The first sentence you said, that's it. She feels she needs to entertain me. I take her out of her comfort zone. I don't push myself on her. We just sit next to each other and I'll put my hand on her leg and we'll watch TV. She say's I look bored looking out the window, but I don't do that. I think me being there makes her feel guilty that she isn't giving me the affection and the attention she thinks I want. She thinks I want her hugging and kissing me constantly, but that's not it at all. I don't expect that at our point in our relationship. It used to be like that, but it's not anymore and I'm okay with that. We just need how to learn to just 'be' together within each others space and feel comfortable. We have yet to learn how to do that.

 

How old is she?

 

I agree with your assessment - you both have work to do here. Your first job is to have this conversation with her.

 

Don't be accusatory. Instead approach this as a problem that you can resolve together. Ask for ideas on what you can do that would make her feel more comfortable with you being around. Come up with a schedule and a plan - maybe start with coming over 3 nights a week for only an hour or two. Have a plan on how to increase that.

 

Her job will be working on getting more comfortable and not feeling like she needs to entertain you or constantly be affectionate with you.

[Johnson1]

If you were talking to your GF and dealing with your problems like those people do, you wouldn't be here freaking out over her saying to have fun with your friends. Just saying,.,

 

Just because you talk with someone doesn't mean they're being honest. That's what I'm trying to figure out by telling people what she does so maybe I can get a better insight on whether she is or not. I don't want to give on someone who really cares just because I'm getting mixed signals.

[rester]

Sounds like she feels smothered, OP. Give her some room to breathe. Go out with your friends. Do your own thing. If you are not happy with the amount of time she can spend with you, you need to either discuss that or move on.

[fitnessfan365]

Just because you talk with someone doesn't mean they're being honest. That's what I'm trying to figure out by telling people what she does so maybe I can get a better insight on whether she is or not. I don't want to give on someone who really cares just because I'm getting mixed signals.

 

She's not giving you mixed signals though. She said that every other day was too much and that she needed a bit of space. That's exactly why she's encouraging you to have a life outside of her with friends.

 

So simply talk with her and let her know that her wanting a bit of time to herself is not lost on you and you'll respect it. Then tell her to call you when she's ready to get together again. Then just let her have the space to do that. Sometimes in a relationship people need time away from the other person. It doesn't mean that they're overall interest has changed. It just a natural part of how a relationship involves.

[blackcat777]

I read a book that talked about how couples need to master connection, disconnection, and reconnection to be happy. It sounds like your girlfriend has the disconnection part down to a science--taking time to herself--which is important for any healthy relationship. BUT, it's important to welcome your partner back with no shortage of love after said "me" time.

 

See if she's open to having a conversation about how you reconnect. If she's open to you, I'd take that as a good sign. If she's defensive... your needs may not be compatible.

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like you smothered her from the beginning.

She is now just setting herself some healthy boundaries.

 

 

If she feels she doesn't get the chance to miss you then she is being honest and telling you that you are smothering her.

 

 

There is also nothing wrong with either of you going out without each other and with your respective friends.