maryyc Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 (edited) So, me and my boyfriend have been dating for 1 year and 4 months , we are both 22, and we are in a long distance relationship. Long story short: I have a lot of insecurities (that I'm trying to fix), I'm a very anxious person and I used to bother him a lot with that stuff, also, I became verbaly agressive (which made him cry a lot) and controlling. I regret all of this and I'm desperately trying to change for him, and for me. This wasn't a healthy relationship and we were having arguments every week, and most of time, I can recognize it was my fault, I just couldn't control my anxiety. If I could, I would go back and change everything, however, I can't do that and I made a commitment to myself that I will stop these irrational thoughts as soon as they appear in my head again. Yesterday we were arguing again, because I was worried about some girl he used to like in the past, that he was interested in before we dated... I know, once again, I was being irrational and silly. Later when we were talking he told me he told about it to his mom, because he was at his parents house and she asked him how were things going. I freaked out, because it's not the first time he does this, and I already asked him not to do it, and I know she already suggested that we should break up because we used to fight a lot, and then I asked him "What else did you tell her?" and his answer was "That you are controlling, that you got insecure about me even going to the swimming pool (I did that because out of the blue he decide that he wanted to start swimming, but I know that's stupid), that you get insecure whenever I exchange comments with some girl on facebook, that you even get insecure that my mother doesn't like you, that you make me so frustrated that I even told you to go "f*** yourself" in front of your mother..." ... Now, we are talking about someone whom we depend on if we want to see each other, since we are in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend doesn't work, he needs her money to travel to me... He said he needed to vent and he ended up telling all that stuff about our relationship, and I don't judge him, HOWEVER he should be more careful about the kind of stuff he tells her because we need her on our side, I need her to like me, if he likes me so much I think we could be more careful, if he's telling her all that stuff she could easily forbid him to see me again... and ... That's exactly what she did. She said she wanted us to break up and that she doesn't want me there again or him to come here, that we can meet somewhere else but not in our homes. Also, when his parents told him that we couldn't see each other, at least in our homes, apparently he said nothing to change that.... but I ended up convincing him to talk to them and try, and he did that, but his parents didn't change their minds (however, today, they talked again and they seem more "flexible"). Anyway, when he told me by text that his parents didn't change their minds, I sent him a text saying "Ok, I won't be begging no more. I just want to apologize to you and to them for bothering you so much. Goodbye." and minutes later he basically sent me a huge break-up text, saying: "I gave you lots of opportunities to change and proofs that I love you, I wanted you to trust me and I wanted things to work out. I forgave you so many times because I respect you and I know you suffer from anxiety. I'm sad that things are ending, whenever things were good betweeen us, I loved everything and every minute, and I always dreamed to spend the most possible time by your side, however lately things have beeen complicated and I don't know if I could hang on much longer. I love you more than everything, but it's better to break up now than later, when things could be worse. Nobody convinced me of anything and I'm being rational. I hope you get better and have a good life, you are perfect and I know you will be happy. You could never be happy with me. I know you will see all the good there's in you and gain trust in yourself. I will be suffering because you are about to leave me, and you're the one I love and loved the most, but we keep hurting each other. I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you, however, there was never a reason for you to doubt about my love. You're everything to me. If you want to, we can keep talking. I hope you're headache is gone and you're feeling better. Goodbye" After I recieved his text, and since we never had a talk similar to this one, I took it seriously and called him asking if he was sure about what he just told me. He said yes,and said it was the best thing to do, and I said "ok, then I will leave you" and he suddenly says "You could try..." and I asked him "What? You just told me you want to break up with me!", and his answer was "I'm confused...my parents made me think clearer about our relationship...but we could keep talking and I could wait for you to get better" and I told him I will get better, I would give everything to make things work (I already set an appointment to see a therapist) and then he said "We could try, but if you don't change, I will break up with you". Now... the day before all this he said he wanted to be together forever, that he could never break up with me, then we fight and he tells everything to his mother and he decides too break up, then I call him (stupid mistake, maybe? Maybe I should have waited, said nothing, and see if he would call me?) and he wants to try? I said I was confused because of that and he already gave me a lot of explanations, he said he did that because in the first text I sent him it seemed like I was giving up, and he thought he was the only one that kept trying so he decided to gave up as well; he said that he wanted that to be a "wake up call" and see if I reacted to that, and if I didn't, then it would really be the end of our relationhip; he said that if I didn't call, he would call me to talk, that we wouldn't break up by text (I don't know if this is true)... I don't know if I can trust him because his text message seemed very elaborated and he gave several arguments for us to break up, also, I feel like he was being serious and honest when he told me he wanted to break up, if I didn't call him, he would easily break up with me, by text... and now I'm unsure about why he wants to try, maybe because he's used to me? maybe just for the sake of dating, even thinking that we are hopeless case? afraid of feeling alone/regret? I'm afraid that if we keep dating, he will suddenly decide that he wants to break up with me. He's also seeing a therapist, and I'm afraid that could also influence him to break up with me when I'm not expecting it. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be with him and fix things, he is my best friend and he helps me so much, my family adores him and everyone says that compared to my ex boyfriends, he's the best, and that I will never find anyone who gets along so well with me. I know I can change and what happened made me open my eyes... but I'm afraid of many things. I don't know what to do and I have no one I could talk to about this... I'm afraid that his parents opinion about me won't change and will keep influencing him... I don't know what to do and if I can trust him, I don't what my attitude should be if we keep dating, if I should give him more space, talk less or be more affectionate and show him everyday that I regret what I did? I need help and honest opinions, please Edited April 15, 2015 by maryyc
acapelo_dp Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 It sounds like there is little trust in your relationship (from your side) which doesn't make it a good relationship at all. All the arguing and you being insecure about him even going swimming is not a good sign. I would say he is right in listening to his parents and suggesting to break up. I'm not trying to be mean but your relationship sounds a bit immature. I know it hurt but I think it would be best if you give each other some space at this time. Go out and spend time with your friends and do things for you right now, keep busy and try not to focus on him right now. You are young and this isn't the only relationship you will have in your life.
Redhead14 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 So, me and my boyfriend have been dating for 1 year and 4 months , we are both 22, and we are in a long distance relationship. Long story short: I have a lot of insecurities (that I'm trying to fix), I'm a very anxious person and I used to bother him a lot with that stuff, also, I became verbaly agressive (which made him cry a lot) and controlling. I regret all of this and I'm desperately trying to change for him, and for me. This wasn't a healthy relationship and we were having arguments every week, and most of time, I can recognize it was my fault, I just couldn't control my anxiety. If I could, I would go back and change everything, however, I can't do that and I made a commitment to myself that I will stop these irrational thoughts as soon as they appear in my head again. Yesterday we were arguing again, because I was worried about some girl he used to like in the past, that he was interested in before we dated... I know, once again, I was being irrational and silly. Later when we were talking he told me he told about it to his mom, because he was at his parents house and she asked him how were things going. I freaked out, because it's not the first time he does this, and I already asked him not to do it, and I know she already suggested that we should break up because we used to fight a lot, and then I asked him "What else did you tell her?" and his answer was "That you are controlling, that you got insecure about me even going to the swimming pool (I did that because out of the blue he decide that he wanted to start swimming, but I know that's stupid), that you get insecure whenever I exchange comments with some girl on facebook, that you even get insecure that my mother doesn't like you, that you make me so frustrated that I even told you to go "f*** yourself" in front of your mother..." ... Now, we are talking about someone whom we depend on if we want to see each other, since we are in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend doesn't work, he needs her money to travel to me... He said he needed to vent and he ended up telling all that stuff about our relationship, and I don't judge him, HOWEVER he should be more careful about the kind of stuff he tells her because we need her on our side, I need her to like me, if he likes me so much I think we could be more careful, if he's telling her all that stuff she could easily forbid him to see me again... and ... That's exactly what she did. She said she wanted us to break up and that she doesn't want me there again or him to come here, that we can meet somewhere else but not in our homes. Also, when his parents told him that we couldn't see each other, at least in our homes, apparently he said nothing to change that.... but I ended up convincing him to talk to them and try, and he did that, but his parents didn't change their minds (however, today, they talked again and they seem more "flexible"). Anyway, when he told me by text that his parents didn't change their minds, I sent him a text saying "Ok, I won't be begging no more. I just want to apologize to you and to them for bothering you so much. Goodbye." and minutes later he basically sent me a huge break-up text, saying: "I gave you lots of opportunities to change and proofs that I love you, I wanted you to trust me and I wanted things to work out. I forgave you so many times because I respect you and I know you suffer from anxiety. I'm sad that things are ending, whenever things were good betweeen us, I loved everything and every minute, and I always dreamed to spend the most possible time by your side, however lately things have beeen complicated and I don't know if I could hang on much longer. I love you more than everything, but it's better to break up now than later, when things could be worse. Nobody convinced me of anything and I'm being rational. I hope you get better and have a good life, you are perfect and I know you will be happy. You could never be happy with me. I know you will see all the good there's in you and gain trust in yourself. I will be suffering because you are about to leave me, and you're the one I love and loved the most, but we keep hurting each other. I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you, however, there was never a reason for you to doubt about my love. You're everything to me. If you want to, we can keep talking. I hope you're headache is gone and you're feeling better. Goodbye" After I recieved his text, and since we never had a talk similar to this one, I took it seriously and called him asking if he was sure about what he just told me. He said yes,and said it was the best thing to do, and I said "ok, then I will leave you" and he suddenly says "You could try..." and I asked him "What? You just told me you want to break up with me!", and his answer was "I'm confused...my parents made me think clearer about our relationship...but we could keep talking and I could wait for you to get better" and I told him I will get better, I would give everything to make things work (I already set an appointment to see a therapist) and then he said "We could try, but if you don't change, I will break up with you". Now... the day before all this he said he wanted to be together forever, that he could never break up with me, then we fight and he tells everything to his mother and he decides too break up, then I call him (stupid mistake, maybe? Maybe I should have waited, said nothing, and see if he would call me?) and he wants to try? I said I was confused because of that and he already gave me a lot of explanations, he said he did that because in the first text I sent him it seemed like I was giving up, and he thought he was the only one that kept trying so he decided to gave up as well; he said that he wanted that to be a "wake up call" and see if I reacted to that, and if I didn't, then it would really be the end of our relationhip; he said that if I didn't call, he would call me to talk, that we wouldn't break up by text (I don't know if this is true)... I don't know if I can trust him because his text message seemed very elaborated and he gave several arguments for us to break up, also, I feel like he was being serious and honest when he told me he wanted to break up, if I didn't call him, he would easily break up with me, by text... and now I'm unsure about why he wants to try, maybe because he's used to me? maybe just for the sake of dating, even thinking that we are hopeless case? afraid of feeling alone/regret? I'm afraid that if we keep dating, he will suddenly decide that he wants to break up with me. He's also seeing a therapist, and I'm afraid that could also influence him to break up with me when I'm not expecting it. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be with him and fix things, he is my best friend and he helps me so much, my family adores him and everyone says that compared to my ex boyfriends, he's the best, and that I will never find anyone who gets along so well with me. I know I can change and what happened made me open my eyes... but I'm afraid of many things. I don't know what to do and I have no one I could talk to about this... I'm afraid that his parents opinion about me won't change and will keep influencing him... I don't know what to do and if I can trust him, I don't what my attitude should be if we keep dating, if I should give him more space, talk less or be more affectionate and show him everyday that I regret what I did? I need help and honest opinions, please If you think you want to give him another chance, you make him date you properly and from square one. He calls you, asks for dates. You go on the dates. Thank him for the date and let him call you again for another date. You don't get intimate with him for a while and until he demonstrates sincerity. You don't talk about the past "relationship" either for a while. Get to know one another "again". If the same issues start reappearing, you say it's not going to work for us and go no contact. One more chance is OK, but don't be a doormat.
Recommended Posts