Signs to look for ?

[GoBlue]

Hi adna89 - You ask a great question and I so happened to just listen to a broadcast on the radio dealing with this very issue. The author (Dave Carder) has studied why and how spouses get involved in affairs and wrote a book called Close Calls! What Adulterers Want You To Know About Protecting Your Marriage. In this book he gives the following "19 Dangerous Behaviors of 'Close Call" Friendships":

 

1) Saving topics of conversation for your "special friend."

 

2) Sharing spousal difficulties with your friend ("My husband (or wife) never…").

 

3) Allowing the friend to share their relationship difficulties with you ("My boy/girlfriend always…)

 

4) Anticipating seeing this person more than your spouse.

 

5) Comparing the friend and your spouse ("If only my spouse was nicer to me like s/he is…")

 

6) Providing ‘treats’ for your friend (coffee, snacks, etc.)

 

7) Being concerned for your friend’s welfare ("How did you sleep?")

 

8) Fantasizing about marriage to your friend.

 

9) Spending more time alone with your friend than your spouse.

 

10) Not allowing your spouse full access to all your modes of communication (ie., email)

 

11) Spending money on your friend without your spouse’s knowledge.

 

12) Arguing with your spouse over the relationship with the friend.

 

13) Lying to spend time with the friend.

 

14) Hiding interactions with the friend.

 

15) Jealously develops on the part of your spouse ("He sure pays attention to you…").

 

16) Developing rituals (any experience anticipated by both parties, like coffee together).

 

17) Experiencing a ‘shiver’ when your friend shares feelings or touches you.

 

18) Allowing sexual content in your conversations with your friend.

 

19) Corporate dating: taking advantage of business trips to spend quality time together.

 

Hope this is a help. Blessings!

[understand50]

"Is there a way to tell if your husband might cheat in future? what type of guys/women cheat? are there some "signs"?"

 

No, there are not. Anybody given the right situation could and will cheat. It comes down to what is his or hers "right" situation. For some it is really everything and anything. Others, it would take a lot more. May you not find yours. You can look at it as odds. Give 5% for being alive and human, another 10% if it happened in the past. (You can add as needed to fit your situation, everyone is different). Keep in mind this can change with age. What you were up for in wild youth, will change. As you grow old you maybe more open to cheating, if for no other reason that it is sex with some “new”. Or neither spouse has cheated, and you both or one of you think that it would be no big deal with no consequences. Let face it, in today's media, cheating is expected, and not a big deal. The consequences are overlooked or really down played.

 

If one "sign" does stands out, it is this; your spouse having a self centered outlook in life. It is all about them. They are open to cheating because it makes them feel better. They write you off at the time the start of the A. Sometime they can to tell you why they did it, but in the end it comes down to "I wanted too, it felt good" So, if your spouse is self centered, always acting, thinking and putting themselves before their family and you their spouse, yes the odds increase greatly. Of course not every self center person goes out and cheats, nor conversely, does the "Giving Saint" never cheat.

 

How to mitigate? Well, it is not locking them up and never letting them out. That can be hell, and in the end lead to cheating. Talking with each other about what is out of bounds, and what needs to be told to each other I think is the only way. My wife and I have always talked about the people we work with and meet, and where we have done during the day, night. It is not a “report” its just what we do when the question “how was your day” is asked. Good communication and having clear boundaries. Even this may not work in the end. You also need to consider that they have cheated and gotten away with it. In my case, I am reasonably sure that she has been faithful to me during the marriage, but one should and never be 100% sure. Follow your gut. This is depressing, as you need some measure of faith and trust in a marriage, and that is just what is shattered with a A. So, I have faith and trust in my wife, but check up on her, as she does with me.

 

 

Now, what I wrote above is not an attempt to let any one off the hook for cheating. It is plain wrong, the act brings hurt and pain. Having been cheated on, early, did open my eyes, and helped us both to take the possibility of it happening again seriously and to work on not having it happen again.

Edited May 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Furious]

It's impossible to tell if your husband will cheat in the future or not. However, past actions are a good indicator for future behavior. Has he cheated before?

 

Often, many Ow/Om do not consider themselves to be cheaters and this may be a red flag to look out for. Maybe, they are not technically a cheater but to engage with a cheater and participate in deceit seems off.

Edited April 15, 2015 by Furious

[adna89]

Of course it is. There is nothing wrong with husbands and wives having girls night out or guys night out, PRIOR TO AN AFFAIR. As long as they are not doing it to the detriment of the marriage. After an affair happens the cheater has to surrender to their sposues wishes on this at least for a time because that is part of rebuilding trust. My fWW has had a couple of GNO since her affair with my approval but the difference is that before the affair she did whatever she desired, now we need to agree on who she is going with and where. I've told her that she can never have a GNO if guys will be there, and she cannot go to bars or dancing, etc and she fully understands those limitations. Someday maybe the trust will be there and I can feel comfortable with those situations again.

 

One thing that I remember reading prior to DDay is that if your gut is telling you there is an affair going on you need to trust yourself and at least check things out. If you're worried about him going out without you then you need to be talking to him more. Don't accuse him but set your expectations, talk about boundaries, talk about transparency of his phone, facebook and email accounts. Something I never realized is that couples are SUPPOSED to share all their passwords according to therapists. There really cannot be any secrets in a marriage.

 

I have no proof really.and he has not given me any reason,i have all the passwords but had to fight for it(actually i wanted it while in relationship he said only when we marry ,so it happened once we married).Its me,for some reasons i am very negative ...and i think it comes from my experience with my parents(my father has cheated)

 

It is positive your wife is willing to do all that,most cheating spouses are not willing..which i guess shows they are not so bothered if the marriage fails

Edited April 15, 2015 by adna89

[No Limit]

For me this is the most unreliable yardstick to measure with.

 

My WW hadn't cheated during our 17 years of marriage. And I have seen threads that talk about 20, 25 years infidelity free.

 

If past actions are a good indicator that would have to also work both ways: has your spouse been faithful all these years? Yes.

 

Tomorrow: Boom!!! Affair.

 

Sorry OP but you are going to need much more than past history to work with.

 

I actually had serial cheaters in mind when posting it. Of course there are many people who still have a change of heart a few decades later.

[I4givehim]

Is there a way to tell if your husband might cheat in future? what type of guys/women cheat? are there some "signs"?

 

Adna there is no way of predicting if your husband will cheat. I would never have thought MY H would cheat on me. Our sex life was great. So I thought. I was in complete shock when the OW sent me anonymous letter in the mail saying Your husband is cheating on you.

My husband was the type of person who would not speak to friends that cheated on their wife. He would call them low life's, and here he was cheating on me for a year.

It is a devastating feeling. I don't wish this on anybody. The OW said she hasn't heard from him since D-Day but I really don't care at this point. She can have him. He is nothing but garbage.

[Midwestmissy]

My husband started sleeping with his phone and never ever let me see it. It happened very suddenly and I was told to stay out of his ****. That's a quote. He'd never spoken like that to me in 25 yrs. also, check text increases on the phone bill. His went from 80-100 month for yrs to over 600/month. Numbskull.

 

Anyway, we are in intense eft (therapy) and it's been enlightening to say the least. My h was making stupid decisions for several months and I wasn't happy about any of them. Of course, his mow subordinate was very ready to place him on a pedestal and tell him everything he did, including sleeping with her, was awesome and made him a good person. He could deal with the unhappy family at home, like a man, or sneak around town under the guise of work ("somebody has to pay the f&$@ing mortgages on your cushy life, you are selfish and greedy and spoiled" and would march out the door. They weren't working the business suffered). So for 6 mos that's what he did. His anger at me masked the fact that he was feeling very inadequate professionally at the time and turned (narc alert) all his inadequacies on me. Selfish, vengeful, entitled to happiness, greedy - that was him not me. He cut off all relationships with friends of the marriage and surrounded himself with self serving scum, including the mow (serial cheater, married a lot). Being raised by an npd mother meant love is contingent on achievement. Emotion is weak. Perfect storm: A wife who's an emotional mess due to her difficult marriage and another woman who praises everything he does - rewarded for his achievements.

 

He's not making excuses, he's just trying to understand himself better - he doesn't want to repeat his upbringing with our kids, regardless of our reconciliation. He also knows he's ten times smarter than the mow and knew better so doesn't blame her more than he blames himself, and is quite humiliated by what he allowed to happen. He's a very successful self made 45yr old man, with me 25+ yrs and couldn't even see that a 50 yr old woman with a sketchy personal and professional life was trying to make him leave his family. She looks like the undercarriage of a Hyundai, btw, not the cliche young sexy thing. We've since learned she's been trying to blow her way into a different tax bracket for a long time in order to pay for her h and 4 kids (she's the breadwinner). She has a difficult life financially, her h told me. He actually wanted her to continue working for my h, which is weird to me.

 

All this to say that I will never ignore my instincts nor believe another person's words over my gut. Ever. I was right at every turn and believed those who told me I was cray cray and probably depressed. Your body doesn't lie, cheaters do.

[atreides]

Honestly there is no way to tell if one WILL cheat or is a "cheater." i do not subscribe to discussing emotion vs sex or for which women or men pursue because "cheating" adds a variable the warps that discussion to something very different.

 

Cheating is an opportunity that gains traction when something breaks from inside us to pursue it for thrill, fun, something new and etc. We pursue the addiction of it and in the same breath try to rationalize it away with external reasons such as spousal or marital issues. This is why "emotion" this or "sex" that is skewed in my opinion and not the path to find "if."

 

Many can go there whole life and maintain moral character and while that is true, the same is true that we are all capable of failure.

 

Many will say, "never me" and yet some of those that used to say that are on the wayward side and in disbelief over it.

 

As for signs that one IS CHEATING, many of the previous posts cover that well.

[todreaminblue]

guys with weak hearts will cheat...thats for sure.....deb

[oldshirt]

I think the biggest risk factor for someone to cheat is if they are simply a self-centered, entitled person in general.

 

 

Do rules apply to everyone else but them? Do they always have a reason and a justification for doing things they shouldn't? Do other people's feelings and needs not mean much to them? Do their feelings and needs always take precedence over everyone else's? Do they feel comfortable imposing their will upon others?

 

 

Are they agreeable and 'nice" as long as things are going their way, but then become angered and resentful when they don't?

 

 

Are they short-sighted and only see things in the moment?

 

 

Are they impulsive and don't think things through and consider consequences to their actions?

 

 

Those are the things that should raise red flags that perhaps you need to keep a closer eye on things.

[jen1447]

Strangely enough, I've seen quite a few seemingly "good" people cheat, and even some more obviously "bad" ones remain faithful, presumably on principal. Not sure what to think of that.