dangerbang Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Hi there. I'm just wondering how you guys found it best to move on post LTR? My one in particular was quite intense and we really thought we were soul mates at one stage. Unfortunately it gradually developed into a 3 year toxic relationship and although I wouldn't have ended it, she probably did the right thing. I know time heals all wounds but what did people who recovered do to get over these things? I am 35, whereas a lot of the people here seem to be younger. I've lived abroad for years and travelled the world and it's not really something that interests me that much. I've been hitting the gym more than ever and lost about 15lbs so I'm in great shape already but I just don't know what to do with my idle time. Most of my friends are settled down and I don't see people that often. It's a very lonely existence at the moment, just at home with my thoughts. The thoughts that are currently all what ifs and whys. I'm also sick of thinking about what she's doing now, or what her plans will be? I wonder when I'll stop caring? I want to be happy for her and not get a shock if I see she's moved somewhere or found someone new (not that I'll ever know hopefully, contact has ceased completely). It seems to be a time of great soul searching. I just don't seem to have much drive in me right now to do anything. I don't really have any hobbies or interests which is a shame. Advice?
Ruby65 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 It's great that you're working out! No hobbies or interests.... really? I think this is a fake-it-till-you-make-it scenario: check out meetup.com and look for groups in your area. Find a group that's doing something that interests you.... or that you could conceivably imagine might someday interest you.... and go check it out. A really good way to make new friends, too. Do you have any causes you care about where you could volunteer your time? My favorite is to volunteer at a local no-kill shelter and volunteer to walk the dogs and play with the cats there. This is a practically mindless yet incredibly rewarding act of kindness -- and you meet really cool people doing it, too. At 35 I'm guessing you have friends with small children? Make yourself a volunteer babysitter on Friday and Saturday nights and help your friends have a date night. You have no idea how much this will mean to them! I think the best way to conquer loneliness is to help someone else feel less lonely.... do you have elderly relatives or neighbors who could use some attention? Friends from your past you've lost touch with who you could re-connect with? You used to devote a lot of time and energy to your old relationship. Until you're ready for another relationship, try some of the above. Find new things you can do that feed your soul and make you happy just to do them. Make new friends, strengthen ties with old ones. Do kind acts for others, make that your role for right now: a do-gooder. It really will help you feel better. 2
frigginlost Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Hi there. I'm just wondering how you guys found it best to move on post LTR? My one in particular was quite intense and we really thought we were soul mates at one stage. Unfortunately it gradually developed into a 3 year toxic relationship and although I wouldn't have ended it, she probably did the right thing. I know time heals all wounds but what did people who recovered do to get over these things? I am 35, whereas a lot of the people here seem to be younger. I've lived abroad for years and travelled the world and it's not really something that interests me that much. I've been hitting the gym more than ever and lost about 15lbs so I'm in great shape already but I just don't know what to do with my idle time. Most of my friends are settled down and I don't see people that often. It's a very lonely existence at the moment, just at home with my thoughts. The thoughts that are currently all what ifs and whys. I'm also sick of thinking about what she's doing now, or what her plans will be? I wonder when I'll stop caring? I want to be happy for her and not get a shock if I see she's moved somewhere or found someone new (not that I'll ever know hopefully, contact has ceased completely). It seems to be a time of great soul searching. I just don't seem to have much drive in me right now to do anything. I don't really have any hobbies or interests which is a shame. Advice? Not having any drive right now is completely normal. It is extremely tough at times to find motivation and sometimes you just have to sit, do nothing, and ride out the wave. I'm 47 by the way, and I can relate. It's been about 5 months for me since the breakup and every day I'm getting stronger. In fact, one of the girls I work with stopped by my office today to ask a question regarding today's work load. She is 31, drop dead gorgeous, and a personality that will stop traffic. As she was leaving she stopped, turned around and said "I just wanted you to know, that it is really, really, great to see the 'old you' starting to come out again. We all here really missed your smile and humor". *That* is how I'm gauging my recovery. 2
Author dangerbang Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 (edited) Not having any drive right now is completely normal. It is extremely tough at times to find motivation and sometimes you just have to sit, do nothing, and ride out the wave. I'm 47 by the way, and I can relate. It's been about 5 months for me since the breakup and every day I'm getting stronger. In fact, one of the girls I work with stopped by my office today to ask a question regarding today's work load. She is 31, drop dead gorgeous, and a personality that will stop traffic. As she was leaving she stopped, turned around and said "I just wanted you to know, that it is really, really, great to see the 'old you' starting to come out again. We all here really missed your smile and humor". *That* is how I'm gauging my recovery. That's a lovely story, really. Well done. I can't even imagine going out to a bar and checking out women etc, it seems so alien to me right now. I never really done that anyway. I've had about 3 or 4 significant relationships and they were all met just by chance, really slight chances that would have changed if I was a minute or two late here or there or I hadn't got on a certain bus etc. My recent ex and I met quite randomly too, 'twas written in the stars etc! at least that's what my stupid heart is telling me now. That's what makes it all the more sad at the moment. It hurts too that my ex has no qualms with her sexuality or having one night stands etc, that's fine with me but there's stroppy child inside me going "it's not fair!!!" as I just NEVER have casual sex, and anytime I have, it's been awful. I wouldn't know how to go about achieving it either! She would just go out and she's so pretty that guys would be all over her, and I know before she met me she'd sleep with random guys regularly. There's nothing wrong with that, but it did eat away at me a bit that she's like that. That's just me being insecure though. I know after she broke up with her last serious boyfriend, she slept with 2 different guys, 2 nights in a row, to get back at him. So that'll be running through my head this weekend... So yeah it's not fair that all this is easier on her than me. I just had a look at an online dating site and boy oh boy, i didn't see one attractive woman listed. Woe is me Edited April 15, 2015 by dangerbang 2
Throldur Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 That's a lovely story, really. Well done. I can't even imagine going out to a bar and checking out women etc, it seems so alien to me right now. I never really done that anyway. I've had about 3 or 4 significant relationships and they were all met just by chance, really slight chances that would have changed if I was a minute or two late here or there or I hadn't got on a certain bus etc. My recent ex and I met quite randomly too, 'twas written in the stars etc! at least that's what my stupid heart is telling me now. That's what makes it all the more sad at the moment. It hurts too that my ex has no qualms with her sexuality or having one night stands etc, that's fine with me but there's stroppy child inside me going "it's not fair!!!" as I just NEVER have casual sex, and anytime I have, it's been awful. I wouldn't know how to go about achieving it either! She would just go out and she's so pretty that guys would be all over her, and I know before she met me she'd sleep with random guys regularly. There's nothing wrong with that, but it did eat away at me a bit that she's like that. That's just me being insecure though. I know after she broke up with her last serious boyfriend, she slept with 2 different guys, 2 nights in a row, to get back at him. So that'll be running through my head this weekend... So yeah it's not fair that all this is easier on her than me. I just had a look at an online dating site and boy oh boy, i didn't see one attractive woman listed. Woe is me Right there with you.. I message all the ones that are 6's and above.. Nothing yet. My hope is waning.
frigginlost Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 That's a lovely story, really. Well done. I can't even imagine going out to a bar and checking out women etc, it seems so alien to me right now. I never really done that anyway. I've had about 3 or 4 significant relationships and they were all met just by chance, really slight chances that would have changed if I was a minute or two late here or there or I hadn't got on a certain bus etc. My recent ex and I met quite randomly too, 'twas written in the stars etc! at least that's what my stupid heart is telling me now. That's what makes it all the more sad at the moment. It hurts too that my ex has no qualms with her sexuality or having one night stands etc, that's fine with me but there's stroppy child inside me going "it's not fair!!!" as I just NEVER have casual sex, and anytime I have, it's been awful. I wouldn't know how to go about achieving it either! She would just go out and she's so pretty that guys would be all over her, and I know before she met me she'd sleep with random guys regularly. There's nothing wrong with that, but it did eat away at me a bit that she's like that. That's just me being insecure though. I know after she broke up with her last serious boyfriend, she slept with 2 different guys, 2 nights in a row, to get back at him. So that'll be running through my head this weekend... So yeah it's not fair that all this is easier on her than me. I just had a look at an online dating site and boy oh boy, i didn't see one attractive woman listed. Woe is me Wow, your story really resonates with me... I can relate so much with what you are going through. I have been with two women in the last 20 years! My ex-wife who divorced me 4 years ago (who I am still good friends with after a 2 year recovery on my part) and the ex girlfriend who cheated and then dumped me after I worked to forgive her. For the first time I went on an online dating site last week and lasted about a half hour before closing my account. Had no interest in it at all. When I'm out and about at a bar or whatnot, I have no interest in meeting anyone or hooking up with someone etc. What I have learned is that if you truly learn to know yourself after being crushed, you do need time to recover and the only way to do that is by being true to yourself. Self esteem comes from within. It will start to build back slowly, but you have to allow all the pain and loss to work itself out naturally. Jumping on top of someone only throws more dirt on something you're trying to bury, but never truly fills the hole. Don't think that what you are feeling is not normal. It is completely normal. As hard as it is, realize that there is nothing you can do to change a person nor change their actions. A person is going to do what they want, and in the end they will deal with their actions in their own way. I would get absolutely sick and on the verge of vomiting when I thought of my ex with another guy. But you know what my body was doing? Purging itself and working toward indifference. I'm not there yet, but the thought of her with another guy does not really affect me anymore. I've purged those feelings out, by riding the waves... Of course, I can smile right now because I have learned through the grapevine that she is hurting bad, misses me tremendously, and knows she threw a good thing away. Too bad for her, because I have no interest in her at all. I rode the emotional hell waves and am now looking at riding the lets see what new things life has for me waves. What comes around goes around... 2
ZiggyZoo Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I used to hate it when people would tell me this, but it's true...you'll find someone when you're ready. I got to the point where I wasn't even sure I wanted to date when I met the guy I was with after my divorce. I had done the bar thing, friends set me up, and I was on-line dating sites. Like I said , I was just about done when my ex ex popped up on an on-line site and messaged me. It was actually nice being in that frame of mind, because I was a lot more relaxed. I also heard something that I really liked. Don't turn down an opportunity to hang out with someone you're not sure you are attracted to or not. Attraction builds sometimes. Or if not, that person may well have a single friend who would be just perfect for you. Another networking avenue I guess. And I wouldn't worry either if you don't really feel like dating. My therapist told me to wait a minimum of one year, two would be even better before I was even looking. I think honestly it took that long for me to get there, after a seven year marriage. It'll happen. 2
ephemeralme Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I hear you all......... and well, empathize. it has been 2.5 weeks since the end and I have been NC since.... it was an almost 7 yr R for us. we were engaged. I am beating myself up about my own issues. taking on the blame. I have NO room to look, think, want or even come close to dating thoughts.... possibly ever again. we are both 53 with young adult kids. I have forced myself to join a stewardship group this weekend to do something I feel passionate about... no motivation to do so but forcing myself. what is challenging here too is that many posters are younger and so while I empathize with their hearts, I don't think they can connect with my circumstances....too far removed. ... sometimes listening to powerful music helps me... show must go on by Queen comes to mind daily for me... maybe that will help you as you go on this journey.
Author dangerbang Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 I hear you all......... and well, empathize. it has been 2.5 weeks since the end and I have been NC since.... it was an almost 7 yr R for us. we were engaged. I am beating myself up about my own issues. taking on the blame. I have NO room to look, think, want or even come close to dating thoughts.... possibly ever again. we are both 53 with young adult kids. I have forced myself to join a stewardship group this weekend to do something I feel passionate about... no motivation to do so but forcing myself. what is challenging here too is that many posters are younger and so while I empathize with their hearts, I don't think they can connect with my circumstances....too far removed. ... sometimes listening to powerful music helps me... show must go on by Queen comes to mind daily for me... maybe that will help you as you go on this journey. I hate Queen! Yeah I feel old here at 35 so I feel for you pal. It will probably take me a long time to get over the past but I still can't see any hope in where someone I could fall in love with will ever appear from again. I have all this she was out of my league stuff going through my head etc. I'm low on confidence right now and she gets to choose whoever she wants
Author dangerbang Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 I also have this image burned into her head, after the final arguments we had. She was sat there looking so upset. And I caused it. I can't forgive myself
ragdoll15 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I remember the last time I saw my ex too. He looked gutted. Now I feel like I'm the only one holding my guts in a bag. I wish I know how he feels, now that he's dumped me.
Author dangerbang Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 I remember the last time I saw my ex too. He looked gutted. Now I feel like I'm the only one holding my guts in a bag. I wish I know how he feels, now that he's dumped me. Sounds like my situation. I had been moody and mean to her for a couple of days before she left. The truth is she had been horrible to me over a period of time, and I began to lose respect for her and the relationship, but I never thought about ending it, I don't think I'm capable of ending a relationship with someone I'm in love with. I don't think I should be blaming myself for everything but I can't help it as it was those couple of days that ended up causing it. The What IFs just wont f**k off out of my brain. Then after she left I sent her over 2 days or so lots of messages trying to reconcile - understandable as we had been living together for nearly 3 years - I only think now that probably enforces her opinion of me as a loser. She knows I'm devestated and probably lost respect for me and can just get on with her life knowing she's doing better than me. I don't know how I'm going to get out of this hole.
Chi townD Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Trust me, you're not old. You need to start making positive changes in your life. You need to start doing things that will occupy your time. FUN THINGS! Get new hobbies and set yourself up for fun things in the future that you can look forward to! Example, go online and look up a 5k or 10k run in your area. Or better yet! Look up and see if there's a Warrior Dash coming to your area. Those are fun as hell! It's a 3-4 mile obstacle course and when you finish the race, there's a big party afterwards with turkey legs and lots of beer! There's also a live band to party it up! So, talk to some friends about doing it with you as a group! And if they don't want to do it, there's always groups forming online, throw your hat in there! HAVE FUN AND KEEP BUSY!!! I mean, that' one example. I can literally give you 100 easily. And don't worry about dating. That will come in time and you'll meet the girl when you least expect it. You might meet her during a race. Or hiking in the mountains. Or at a concert. Or during a class that you're taking like cooking, or photography that might fall in line with a new hobby of yours. You have to get motivated to have fun! Have an Adventure!!
Author dangerbang Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Trust me, you're not old. You need to start making positive changes in your life. You need to start doing things that will occupy your time. FUN THINGS! Get new hobbies and set yourself up for fun things in the future that you can look forward to! Example, go online and look up a 5k or 10k run in your area. Or better yet! Look up and see if there's a Warrior Dash coming to your area. Those are fun as hell! It's a 3-4 mile obstacle course and when you finish the race, there's a big party afterwards with turkey legs and lots of beer! There's also a live band to party it up! So, talk to some friends about doing it with you as a group! And if they don't want to do it, there's always groups forming online, throw your hat in there! HAVE FUN AND KEEP BUSY!!! I mean, that' one example. I can literally give you 100 easily. And don't worry about dating. That will come in time and you'll meet the girl when you least expect it. You might meet her during a race. Or hiking in the mountains. Or at a concert. Or during a class that you're taking like cooking, or photography that might fall in line with a new hobby of yours. You have to get motivated to have fun! Have an Adventure!! God I'd murder a turkey leg right now, this diet is killing me. It's not that easy to keep busy if all your friends are unavailable. I have no idea how to meet new people anymore, I've never really had to. And it ain't easy! I can't run by the way due to a previous injury but I do love cycling. Yeah, classes are a good idea. I just got a callback from a therapist arranging to come in, gave a brief description of what happened and they're going to see me. Has anyone experience with therapy/counselling and does it help?
ZiggyZoo Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Has anyone experience with therapy/counselling and does it help? Mine was invaluable. I saw a therapist after my divorce, and used a lot of the coping mechanisms from that with this break-up. It helped me right off the bat, I didn't get caught up in the blame game or what ifs. I could accept that it wasn't meant to be for any number of reasons and move forward. Well, most of the time. I'm only human, and do have my bad, low days. But I highly recommend it.
Author dangerbang Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Mine was invaluable. I saw a therapist after my divorce, and used a lot of the coping mechanisms from that with this break-up. It helped me right off the bat, I didn't get caught up in the blame game or what ifs. I could accept that it wasn't meant to be for any number of reasons and move forward. Well, most of the time. I'm only human, and do have my bad, low days. But I highly recommend it. But aren't they just sounding boards? Do they give you any advice? It's sinking in, the severity of the breakup and the waves it's caused and how she would never come back after all the chaos it caused. The reality is sinking in but there's a glimmer of hope still there. I keep thinking about if I bump into her on the street, meet her in a bar, 6 months or 2 years down the line etc. That we'll know then we're meant for each other etc. How do you get rid of that? We live close to each other, previous breakups this wasn't the case so it was easier to give up on that hope.
ZiggyZoo Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 But aren't they just sounding boards? Do they give you any advice? It's sinking in, the severity of the breakup and the waves it's caused and how she would never come back after all the chaos it caused. The reality is sinking in but there's a glimmer of hope still there. I keep thinking about if I bump into her on the street, meet her in a bar, 6 months or 2 years down the line etc. That we'll know then we're meant for each other etc. How do you get rid of that? We live close to each other, previous breakups this wasn't the case so it was easier to give up on that hope. They're way more than just sounding boards! They should be, at least. Mine gave me lots of advice about decision making, helped me rebuild my self-esteem, and helped me see how my marriage breaking up was not all my fault. I honestly couldn't have done it without her. As far as getting rid of hope to reconcile, I think that's just time. I still catch myself every so often fantasizing about running into my ex and us getting back together. But not nearly as often anymore.
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