Confused

[Ironpyrites]

My wife of 10 years, (been together for 19) has destroyed the last thing I believed in. Just before Christmas I find out she had been having an affair with her ex-boss (what a cliche eh). My wife is 8 years younger than me we have been through a lot together I thought we were very special. She has always complimented me on my appearence of how athletic my body is and how handsome and sexy she thought I was so imagine how gutted I was when I find out her fling is a 56 year old man who looks like Gollum, thin, bald, sagging face , short sighted bespeckled and effeminate.

 

In all, the exact opposite of myself, I don't want to sound like some kind of macho man I've always worked out and teach Martial arts not because I have something to prove its just something I've always done since I was a teen. In addition she has always found me highly amusing , intelligent and understanding. She had a physical/sexual and emotional affair with this man. I found all her texts to him and she has told me in finite detail what they did and when, plus I used Google location history to track her meetings with him over 2013/14. It seemed so intense between them I even asked her why she didn't leave me and told her she should have. Then she tells me that she had no intention of leaving me as she couldn't imagine life without me. I even threw her out once and her poor Dad came round to ask her for another chance.

 

I let her back but told her that I couldn't understand or accept what she had done and I wanted to separate. She then became hysterical, begging I've never seen her so bereft before, as she is usually such a strong character. She claimed she would die without me and didn't want anything if she could not have me back. I hated seeing her like that and I felt guilty (ironic eh), I love her so I decided to give her a second chance even though it really eats me up inside. I cant stop digging for facts though I even routed her old smartphone and recovered all her old txts to him and its like "Oh my god I miss you so much I cant wait to see you again, cant stop thinking about that time in the flat etc.

 

I so dont get it how can it have been so intense between them and now she says she hates him and feels sick and abused by him . Anyone have any ideas how it can be like this?

Edited April 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to Infidelity

[Friskyone4u]

Confused

How did you find out??? That matters because she might be hating him because he dumped her or cut off the affair. Her affair fun is over or you think it is , and now she is back to the real world and your refusal to just rugs weep it is showing her there may be some consequences she did not plan on .

I suggest you post some more detail of how you caught her, what you have done to insure you are getting the truth and not TT. Do you have total transparency to her electronics and did you ever see a NC communication ?? And if you have not told the other mans wife if there is one you should have.

Lastly, it is not productive to put down the other mans appearance of age or baldness. He had something that made your wife excited enough to climb into bed with him over and over again . Forgiving out how to stop it from happening again will do more for you than bashing his appearance.

You sound like you are holding her accountable and not accepting blame for what she did . That is good

[Chasing_mya]

Iron, what many people fail to realize is that its not always a persons physical appearance that draws someone in. He may not be physically fit & attractive but he was definitely filling an emotional void that was hard for her to resist. She may look up to him or other numerous things. I do believe she loves you, although many may disagree with that. I think with marriage counseling you both can get the help needed and get things back. Has she gone 'no contact' with him?

Is she willing to do whatever possible to rectify what she has done? I know you're hurting and I wish you both the best.

 

*One more thing not sure if this may pertain to you but pay more attention to her, give her compliments, leave her surprise notes, take her out, buy her some flowers & make her believe she's the most beautiful woman in the world. Us women need that from our H's and many stop doing the very things that won us over in the 1st place.

Edited April 15, 2015 by Chasing_mya

[Ironpyrites]

I found out when she left her tablet out and I was doing some work on it for her, I found an old FB chat header still open recalling to a friend what she had been doing with him. I think I do have the right to put this man down as he has had sex with my wife, plus he actively pursued her for 3 years previous to her having an affair with him always happening to be where she was , I was just in the area BS etc, buying her little gifts taking her for meals out. He also knew we were doing IVF because we cant have children as she had to disclose this to him as she was her boss at the time. He used every trick in the book to get access to her. My point about his appearance is that he is the exact opposite to me as well as his personality so if this is what she wants why is she so in love with me? I get the feeling she could be with anyone that she is not selective in her choice. I now think I now have every last detail of the affair although I suspect that everyone who cheats leaves out about 5% detail. I have the code to her phone and she is on a GPS tracker app. She texts me all the time now about how much loves me and cant wait to see me back home.

[PegNosePete]

I think I do have the right to put this man down

Of course you have the "right" to do what you like. But just because you have a right does not mean it's in your best interests to use it. I have the "right" to wear women's clothes if I want but that doesn't mean I am going to go for a day trip to Brighton in a mini skirt and boob tube.

 

If you're going the R route then you need to lay down the ground rules. If she doesn't agree to them, or agrees but breaks them then it's GAME OVER. She is on her last chance already and will not get another.

 

1) She will be 100% honest from now on. Any lies, including "lies of omission", will be the immediate end of your reconciliation. She will hand over her phone, email, facebook and all other passwords right now and you will check them. No "just going to the toilet" aka deleting evidence. Due to her affair you do not trust her as far as you can throw her one-handed. Maybe in time trust will return but for now you have ZERO and will be constantly monitoring her. You've got the GPS tracker which is a good start.

 

2) She will have NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN with this guy. If he contacts her by phone she will immediately hang up, and if it's by text/email/social media then she will immediately show it to you and you will decide together what response (if any) is warranted.

 

3) Marriage counselling

[SawtoothMars]

I found out when she left her tablet out and I was doing some work on it for her, I found an old FB chat header still open recalling to a friend what she had been doing with him. I think I do have the right to put this man down as he has had sex with my wife, plus he actively pursued her for 3 years previous to her having an affair with him always happening to be where she was , I was just in the area BS etc, buying her little gifts taking her for meals out. He also knew we were doing IVF because we cant have children as she had to disclose this to him as she was her boss at the time. He used every trick in the book to get access to her. My point about his appearance is that he is the exact opposite to me as well as his personality so if this is what she wants why is she so in love with me? I get the feeling she could be with anyone that she is not selective in her choice. I now think I now have every last detail of the affair although I suspect that everyone who cheats leaves out about 5% detail. I have the code to her phone and she is on a GPS tracker app. She texts me all the time now about how much loves me and cant wait to see me back home.

 

It's because she is not in love with you at all. You can trash this dude all you want, but at the end of the day he only pursued your wife because she allowed it.

 

Of course if she isn't some helpless victim and you can't blame the other guy... then you would have to face the truth. Ignorance can be bliss.

[Friskyone4u]

Sawtooth said it perfectly as did some of the others . Ok, OM is not Boy Scout of the year but he could have been pursuing your wife since the caveman days . It was your wife who said YES I will have sex with you . Focus all your energy and anger on her because at some point you ARE going to get more angry than you appear to be now.

Sounds like you have general transparency . Have you seen any no contact e mail . ?? Has she deleted him or blocked him from everything???

Also, I could be wrong but if any of her girlfriends either knew about what she was doing , encourage it , or assisted her by covering for her, they have to go!!!

They are your enemies!!!

I also would suggest you do not get too complacent about all the "I love you" notes. Right now , she is in big time CYA mode and you must assume every word out of her mouth is not true until confirmed it is true. I would put anVAR I her car. If she breaks NC or talks to one of her friends about this you will hear exactly what she is saying and to who and like everyone else she will talk to friends while she is driving. Of course do NOT tell her you are doing this and if you hear anything bad do NOT admit how you found out.

It takes a long time to regain trust and her right to privacy is OVER for now . I can assure you a second Dday is no easier than the first . Stay alert

[Lion Heart]

Iron I so get you.

Snap.

Sorry you're here.

 

My D Day was also just before Christmas. I'm a BW.

It's been the worst time of my life. 15 yrs. 13 married.

 

I'm not attempting to put my WH OW down either BUT WTF????

Seriously I just don't get it!

 

I'm no model at all. I'm 5y older than WH. Everyone says he looks older than me. In fact, much to the chagrin of my eldest DD who is 22yo, people who don't know us say to her "so your sister here", eeeek actually I'm her mother. They say I must've been very young when I had her. No 27. So alot of people think I'm joking when I say I am a grandmother. Well I'm serious.

I might as well go the whole hog here. I earn virtually a 3 figure income had property when WH met me. Never had a car loan or credit card. Owed no one except 1 mortgage etc etc. Though I have found out that WH was jealous of me. Yeah weird. But absolutely because other men have hit on me SOOOOO many times since we've been married. Plus I Gave birth to twins plus a DD and then.......

 

the crowning glory of a compliment from my WH - an affair.

 

With an unemployed 55yo serial OW who's not worked for 35y. Owes her family $40k and rents and drives a bomb. Is a psychic but my dreams superceded her psychic abilities 100 to 1.

She's 11y older than WH and quite overweight. Plus she's REEEEAAAALLLLLY ugly. No just joking. She is ugly IMHO because I know her character now.

 

Let's see her better points???? 1 sized bigger bra.

She is 1 inch taller. Yeah.

 

I guess you can eat those points?

 

My WH has been completely financially dependent on me as much as I supported 5 changes of career in 15y. Good grief yes.

 

I was as stumped as you but I've found out a LOT since D Day.

It basically amounts to my WH is full of sh**.

He wanted to have an A. So he did.

He has many personality disorders (he's been in IC since D Day - totally his choice).

I'm a person of strong character who loved her family enough to deflect ANY attempt at breaking that boundary.

WH is weak, dumb and lead by his thing. First chance he got in 15y (yeah he's balding rapidly) and he ran SO hard after it that the Psych called it "grooming". That's what he did. Groomed her. It's disgusting.

 

Anyhow Iron it makes no sense to us. It happened and it's a nightmare.

I hope you can find peace somehow.

Reconciliation for me has been shocking, awful and probably no point.

 

Lion Heart.

[aliveagain]

Your beef is with your wife. O/M is a pig but owes you nothing, he has no relationship with you. Sounds like the affair has been going on for years. Get tested for all STD's because they always lie about using protection, she put herself at risk but more importantly she put you at risk. Have you exposed the POS to his wife or girlfriend, that needs to happen.

 

The most important thing, what do you really want? It doesn't matter what she wants, she already made her choices. Can you live with her betrayal? I don't see any mention of children but even children shouldn't be the reason for staying because at some point they too will be gone and guess who your left with. Accept the affair if your decision is to reconcile, make independent counselling a must for her. She needs to find out why she gave herself the approval to cheat. Do not have unprotected sex with her until she is tested, last thing you want is an unexpected pregnancy until you know what you want. Some of us just can't get past the lies and cheating. You need to talk to a lawyer, you need to understand your rights, this may help you with your decision. Get rid of her girlfriend that she told everything to, she's no friend of the marriage.

[No Limit]

She's playing along to make sure you'll be a good dog and stay around for her. She plays it perfectly though, making herself look like a victim by claiming she was abused and all that, a real pro.

[Ironpyrites]

Ok maybe I'm being a bit vague about all this, I think what I'm asking is do you think my wife really knows her own mind or what she really wants? We have been going to counselling we have put what she has done under a microscope, I get she has made her own adult decisions and all that but this old guy has pretty much used the Stockholm syndrome approach like all those kinds of men do. I try to be objective about it, not easy as most of you will know. But I cant just brand my wife a complete whore and its all her fault there is always cause and effect. However my biggest concern before I invest any more of my time and money is , if she can be so full on with this other then wtf does she even want me? She is financially independent, still great looking, great body, smart and very lovable. Doe's this make it any clearer?

Edited April 16, 2015 by Ironpyrites

[LifeWasted]

 

*One more thing not sure if this may pertain to you but pay more attention to her, give her compliments, leave her surprise notes, take her out, buy her some flowers & make her believe she's the most beautiful woman in the world. Us women need that from our H's and many stop doing the very things that won us over in the 1st place.

 

What? Reward her for bad behavior? He was most likely doing these things for her before her affair.

 

No. SHE is the one who needs to be doing the re-connect work. She is the one who needs to be doing all these things for him. He's still bleeding. Once the bleeding has stopped and the wound has closed, through her remorse and daily display of contriteness and honesty, then maybe a year or two down the road she will have earned his sweet gestures. Not now.

 

She needs to be going to counseling, she needs to be transparent, she needs expose what she did to friends and family, she needs to send a no contact letter to the OM. She, she, she...

[LifeWasted]

Ok maybe I'm being a bit vague about all this, I think what I'm asking is do you think my wife really knows her own mind or what she really wants? We have been going to counselling we have put what she has done under a microscope, I get she has made her own adult decisions and all that but this old guy has pretty much used the Stockholm syndrome approach like all those kinds of men do. I try to be objective about it, not easy as most of you will know. But I cant just brand my wife a complete whore and its all her fault there is always cause and effect. However my biggest concern before I invest any more of my time and money is , if she can be so full on with this other then wtf does she even want me? She is financially independent, still great looking, great body, smart and very lovable. Doe's this make it any clearer?

 

These are circular questions. Problem is, she does not know why she needed this guy when she had you. She has to figure that out, and you have to give her the time to do so. Don't ask us, ask her.

 

Let the counselor pick her brain, and if she doesn't have a counselor who is holding her feet to the fire, that counselor needs to be replaced.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I found out when she left her tablet out and I was doing some work on it for her, I found an old FB chat header still open recalling to a friend what she had been doing with him. I think I do have the right to put this man down as he has had sex with my wife, plus he actively pursued her for 3 years previous to her having an affair with him always happening to be where she was , I was just in the area BS etc, buying her little gifts taking her for meals out. He also knew we were doing IVF because we cant have children as she had to disclose this to him as she was her boss at the time. He used every trick in the book to get access to her. My point about his appearance is that he is the exact opposite to me as well as his personality so if this is what she wants why is she so in love with me? I get the feeling she could be with anyone that she is not selective in her choice. I now think I now have every last detail of the affair although I suspect that everyone who cheats leaves out about 5% detail. I have the code to her phone and she is on a GPS tracker app. She texts me all the time now about how much loves me and cant wait to see me back home.

 

First, you can bet that she's probably leaving out about 85% of the details of her affair NOT 5%.

 

Second, do you really want to spend the rest of your marriage living in a constant state of paranoia? Installing tracking devices and obsessively hacking into her texts messages and emails are NOT going to help you or your marriage. That's not a life and certainly not a marriage.

 

Third, I know you're hurt and pissed but your anger needs to be directed at your WIFE rather than on this other man regardless of who is he or what he looks like. As other members have already touched on, this was HER CHOICE and HER FAULT and now that she got caught she's rolling over and playing victim. I wouldn't be surprised if she's back at her shenanigans in about 6 months time. Not unusual. And whose to say how long this affair would have gone on had you not "accidentally" found her messages? Think about it.

 

Go to counselling. Talk it out but you're going to have to either learn to let go and trust her or throw in the towel once and for all. If you can't or don't think you can trust her then the writing is on the wall regarding the future of your relationship.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I thought we were very special.

Me to brother. Me to. That is what hurts the worse.

 

In all, the exact opposite of myself, I don't want to sound like some kind of macho man I've always worked out and teach Martial arts not because I have something to prove its just something I've always done since I was a teen.

Same here. I'm fit and athletic and she chose to cheat with a 350 fat ass total opposite. I've read they often do that.

 

 

Then she tells me that she had no intention of leaving me as she couldn't imagine life without me.

Same here. Many women that have affairs feel like their husbands are their safety net.

 

 

I so dont get it how can it have been so intense between them and now she says she hates him and feels sick and abused by him . Anyone have any ideas how it can be like this?

My wife has said much the same thing. It's because they get emotionally lost in the attention and the brain chemicals kick in and they fall in love. It's not really love it's infatuation and it's a great feeling until getting caught when reality sets in. It's total fantasy and it's not real life, what they experience together is the best that the other has to offer. I suspect she really does want you and if she does she will move mountains to keep you in her life. If she does not do the hard work then you will have your answer and you can move on. Bottom line is it's all your choice at this point.

[BetrayedH]

Ok maybe I'm being a bit vague about all this, I think what I'm asking is do you think my wife really knows her own mind or what she really wants? We have been going to counselling we have put what she has done under a microscope, I get she has made her own adult decisions and all that but this old guy has pretty much used the Stockholm syndrome approach like all those kinds of men do. I try to be objective about it, not easy as most of you will know. But I cant just brand my wife a complete whore and its all her fault there is always cause and effect. However my biggest concern before I invest any more of my time and money is , if she can be so full on with this other then wtf does she even want me? She is financially independent, still great looking, great body, smart and very lovable. Doe's this make it any clearer?

 

What you're missing here is that the affair isn't about you OR the OM. It's entirely about her. Her choice to have an affair wasn't logical; even if she had marital problems then her logical choices were to fix the marriage or leave it - an affair fixes nothing. Her choice wasn't ethical; she kept you faithful to your marital agreement while she played single. Her choice wasn't healthy; it has brought destruction to someone she supposedly loves. And I'd bet she'd say that having an affair goes against her own standards, so it was immoral.

 

So, why did your wife make such an illogical, unethical, and destructive choice that goes against her own beliefs? In my experience, I see three categories. (1) She may have an excessive need for external validation. The attention and flattery of one man is not enough. Some people call this a lack of self-esteem. (2) She could be severely conflict-avoidant. She lacks the courage to say what she wants or needs. She is too fearful of conflict and eventually builds resentment. In these situations, betrayed spouses can really be blindsided. (3) She has an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. People like this will say things like, "I deserved to be happy," and other people are subordinate to that objective, especially if they don't know. It's selfishness and sometimes even narcissism.

 

Some wayward spouses have a toxic combination of these three traits. In many cases, I'd say these traits developed during childhood and/or stemmed from their family of origin. Maybe she never felt accepted or loved and now would do almost anything to feel validated. Or maybe there was so much conflict that she learned to just keep her mouth shut. Or maybe she was just plain spoiled and comes from a culture of entitlement. But what you'll notice is that none of these things have anything to do with you or the affair partner. They have everything to do with HER and thus, you'll get a ton of recommendations for her to be going thru individual counseling to determine her personal 'why' behind the awful decision to cheat. It's far more important than marriage counseling because it's not the marriage that was broken. If that was the case, I'd expect you to be cheating, too, since you were in the same marriage. The reality is that infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

With your wife, I expect it's that need for external validation. You may have been a great husband. You were the cake. But she wanted or needed "more." She wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. The OM was just another source of flattery, attention, and an ego stroke. He didn't have to be superman; he just had to boost her ego.

 

So what does the counseling do? If she can determine her personal 'why' then perhaps she can more easily identify when she's leaning towards that unhealthy coping mechanism and use a healthier coping mechanism instead. And that may help your ability to reconcile as well, since you'll feel less likely to suffer a repeat performance. If she doesn't fix what's broken within her, you're going to continue to feel vulnerable, and for good reason.

[LifeWasted]

They have everything to do with HER and thus, you'll get a ton of recommendations for her to be going thru individual counseling to determine her personal 'why' behind the awful decision to cheat. It's far more important than marriage counseling because it's not the marriage that was broken. If that was the case, I'd expect you to be cheating, too, since you were in the same marriage. The reality is that infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

 

Bing - f*#king - O!

[Ironpyrites]

What you're missing here is that the affair isn't about you OR the OM. It's entirely about her. Her choice to have an affair wasn't logical; even if she had marital problems then her logical choices were to fix the marriage or leave it - an affair fixes nothing. Her choice wasn't ethical; she kept you faithful to your marital agreement while she played single. Her choice wasn't healthy; it has brought destruction to someone she supposedly loves. And I'd bet she'd say that having an affair goes against her own standards, so it was immoral.

 

So, why did your wife make such an illogical, unethical, and destructive choice that goes against her own beliefs? In my experience, I see three categories. (1) She may have an excessive need for external validation. The attention and flattery of one man is not enough. Some people call this a lack of self-esteem. (2) She could be severely conflict-avoidant. She lacks the courage to say what she wants or needs. She is too fearful of conflict and eventually builds resentment. In these situations, betrayed spouses can really be blindsided. (3) She has an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. People like this will say things like, "I deserved to be happy," and other people are subordinate to that objective, especially if they don't know. It's selfishness and sometimes even narcissism.

 

Some wayward spouses have a toxic combination of these three traits. In many cases, I'd say these traits developed during childhood and/or stemmed from their family of origin. Maybe she never felt accepted or loved and now would do almost anything to feel validated. Or maybe there was so much conflict that she learned to just keep her mouth shut. Or maybe she was just plain spoiled and comes from a culture of entitlement. But what you'll notice is that none of these things have anything to do with you or the affair partner. They have everything to do with HER and thus, you'll get a ton of recommendations for her to be going thru individual counseling to determine her personal 'why' behind the awful decision to cheat. It's far more important than marriage counseling because it's not the marriage that was broken. If that was the case, I'd expect you to be cheating, too, since you were in the same marriage. The reality is that infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

With your wife, I expect it's that need for external validation. You may have been a great husband. You were the cake. But she wanted or needed "more." She wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. The OM was just another source of flattery, attention, and an ego stroke. He didn't have to be superman; he just had to boost her ego.

 

So what does the counseling do? If she can determine her personal 'why' then perhaps she can more easily identify when she's leaning towards that unhealthy coping mechanism and use a healthier coping mechanism instead. And that may help your ability to reconcile as well, since you'll feel less likely to suffer a repeat performance. If she doesn't fix what's broken within her, you're going to continue to feel vulnerable, and for good reason.

Thanks for this, I really appreciate it It makes more sense they way you have put it. I read this to my wife and it just made her react. I appreciate everyone else's opinion as well. I understand a lot on here are still angry and suspicious and with good cause, even if I don't agree with all the perspectives I get where they are coming from. I may well post again moaning about what has happened but I find it helps. Thanks again.

[Ironpyrites]

Me to brother. Me to. That is what hurts the worse.

 

Same here. I'm fit and athletic and she chose to cheat with a 350 fat ass total opposite. I've read they often do that.

 

 

Same here. Many women that have affairs feel like their husbands are their safety net.

 

 

My wife has said much the same thing. It's because they get emotionally lost in the attention and the brain chemicals kick in and they fall in love. It's not really love it's infatuation and it's a great feeling until getting caught when reality sets in. It's total fantasy and it's not real life, what they experience together is the best that the other has to offer. I suspect she really does want you and if she does she will move mountains to keep you in her life. If she does not do the hard work then you will have your answer and you can move on. Bottom line is it's all your choice at this point.

 

Its a real head, heart, stomach punch isn't it? She is the only person I've ever loved to be honest. I completely empathise with you mate I hope you don't stay broken for too long.

[Mazerati]

Its a real head, heart, stomach punch isn't it? She is the only person I've ever loved to be honest. I completely empathise with you mate I hope you don't stay broken for too long.

 

 

Ironpyrites, first so sorry for what you are facing. I suggest if you haven't already done so to read VeryBrokenMan's lengthy thread. I believe you will find a lot of good advice there. While still early into their reconciliation, his wife is working very very hard to help him deal with the pain. Other good posters that are reconciled or in the process are Mr. and Mrs. John Adams, DKT3, and LovingDKT3, and fellini. There are more to be sure but these IMHO are the standouts on good solid advice for reconcile.

Whether you reconcile or divorce, do it for you not for your WW. She has lost all claim, and is no longer in control of your happiness. You are. You decide, not her. If she does not become fully transparent, fully accountable then decide accordingly. Heartache is the cold reality her affair has brought to your table. Remember, she chose to cheat, she chose AP over you and family. It is now your choice for the future, not hers. Gather yourself, and be strong. Easier said than done, but you can do it.

In closing, I chuckled at your handle, you most certainly are not 'fool's gold' A foolish person would not be seeking advice, their head would be in the sand. You sir are not that person. Ensure that continues as you journey forward. Eyes and ears always open, mouth quiet.

 

Maz

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for this, I really appreciate it It makes more sense they way you have put it. I read this to my wife and it just made her react. I appreciate everyone else's opinion as well. I understand a lot on here are still angry and suspicious and with good cause, even if I don't agree with all the perspectives I get where they are coming from. I may well post again moaning about what has happened but I find it helps. Thanks again.

 

For what it's worth, being broken enough to have an affair doesn't necessarily mean that your wife is the antichrist. Frankly, most of us have made some major mistakes in life. I think the real key gets down to how we react to our mistakes. Some people are truly remorseful. As it pertains to affairs, I think a classic example are those that involve a drunken one-night stand that is immediately confessed the next day. A voluntary confession speaks volumes about true remorse to me.

 

Watching the actions of a wayward after Dday can also help measure true remorse. Some waywards clearly take full ownership of the affair, never blameshift, never minimize, are willing to be completely open and honest, are fully transparent with their whereabouts and communications, voluntarily end the affair and go no contact with the affair partner, proactively seek individual counseling, endure endless questions without being defensive, and are willing to do whatever it takes to help their spouse heal.

 

Where your wife lands on this spectrum can be really difficult to determine. Her words won't count for anything. Trust has to be rebuilt. And anyone can just say whatever it is you want to hear in an attempt to do damage control. How the hell are you supposed to know? You've got to watch for consistent actions over time. That time thing can be a killer. There's no rushing it. Fast is slow, and slow is fast. Conventional estimates on recovery from an affair say 2-5 years. I think much of that is just the betrayed spouse trying to figure out exactly what kind of wayward spouse they have on their hands.

 

If she's truly remorseful (and you're truly forgiving), a reconciliation may well be your best bet. Sadly, even if she is truly remorseful, you may find you can't get over the affair as well as you'd hoped. While waywards have a tendency to go into damage control mode, so do betrayed spouses. We don't (generally) instantly fall out of love with our spouses. Hell, just the day prior, we were in it for the long haul. All of our hopes, dreams, plans, and investments were toward one goal: a happy marriage. It takes a hell of a lot to change gears. The really rough part is that you just don't know what is true and what isn't. I think that's why reconciliation is such a gift from the betrayed spouse - they're giving the benefit of the doubt when there's no reason to do so.

 

If I had a piece of advice for your wife, it would be to rebuild that trust as earnestly as possible. Don't get stuck in a rut of guilt and shame but get focused on honesty, no matter how painful. So much of the betrayed spouse's ability to forgive comes from rebuilding a sense of security about the future. ANY lying, denying, trickle-truthing, or minimizing just sets you back to square one (and probably further back than that, to be honest). Whereas, a truly remorseful spouse gives both parties the best chance at a marriage that recovers.

 

Sorry, a bit of rambling there. I just don't want you or your wife to think that my previous post means that she's a hopeless person or irredeemable. The mistake is already made but much of what happens now really depends upon her. She can go further into the rabbit hole (as many do) or she can dig her way out. I hope that she chooses the latter. It's the best way for her to restore her self-pride, which I'd bet is in the gutter right about now. It's time for her to make decisions of which she can be proud. And if she keeps making those decisions consistently, her self-pride will return (and I'd bet your pride in her will return as well).

 

Watch closely. And good luck.

Edited April 17, 2015 by BetrayedH

[Chasing_mya]

No I'm not saying reward her I was just listing things that we often times forget to do with our partners/spouses. Should they both reconcile, choose to forgive, and move on its just a suggestion of things they can both do to get that spark back and start anew.

[Ironpyrites]

Ironpyrites, first so sorry for what you are facing. I suggest if you haven't already done so to read VeryBrokenMan's lengthy thread. I believe you will find a lot of good advice there. While still early into their reconciliation, his wife is working very very hard to help him deal with the pain. Other good posters that are reconciled or in the process are Mr. and Mrs. John Adams, DKT3, and LovingDKT3, and fellini. There are more to be sure but these IMHO are the standouts on good solid advice for reconcile.

Whether you reconcile or divorce, do it for you not for your WW. She has lost all claim, and is no longer in control of your happiness. You are. You decide, not her. If she does not become fully transparent, fully accountable then decide accordingly. Heartache is the cold reality her affair has brought to your table. Remember, she chose to cheat, she chose AP over you and family. It is now your choice for the future, not hers. Gather yourself, and be strong. Easier said than done, but you can do it.

In closing, I chuckled at your handle, you most certainly are not 'fool's gold' A foolish person would not be seeking advice, their head would be in the sand. You sir are not that person. Ensure that continues as you journey forward. Eyes and ears always open, mouth quiet.

 

Maz

 

Thanks for your message, your one of the first to comment on my handle and its meaning , I've always thought that I may glister but am certainly not gold. Yes my wife made some adult decisions and she has to face up to them needless to say she cries hysterically about them, but I'm careful to assess whether those tears are for me or for her. As for being strong I'm one of those people that is strong for everyone else but when I'm down I cant seem to find a friend if you get my meaning. I suppose I've never wanted to show weakness to others around me as I don't want them to lose faith. I know its a bit of burning martyr but I am like many heroic by nature Id be willing to bet that there are many on here similar to that nature. I sometime speculate that is why people like me end up having to endure such things as they believe we can take it ?

[sandylee1]

If the old thin baldy man could get your wife in bed, then he must have thought he was in heaven. He probably idolised her because he isn't God's gift to women, yet he hit the jackpot by having a good looking woman for a while.

 

Regardless of how she feels and what she wants, it's your feelings that are important here. If you really can't get passed her betrayal, then she has to live with that. She cheated and actions have consequences. She should have realised getting caught was a possibility.

 

She was selfish in the affair, now you really need to think about number 1. It's no longer about what she wants.

[happyman64]

Iron

 

 

You have gotten some great advice so far.

 

 

You are slowly coming to the realization that your wife's affair really had very little to do with you.

 

 

And mostly to do with her, her values, her poor boundaries.

 

 

Add to the fact that she was having issues getting pregnant which I'm sure brought her down.

 

 

Combine all those issues together and you have recipe for disaster.

 

 

But remember, all your wife had to do was say no. Communicate with you and let you have a discussion with her boss at the time.

 

 

 

 

It is good to see you acting in a calm, rational manner.

 

 

Now while you focus on your future keep a close eye on your wife's actions. That is what will show you if she is worthy of R. Not her words but her actions.

 

 

Keep posting.

 

 

HM