SethDamien Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Im really in a downward spiral now where just a month ago, i was feeling really strong and alive. Guess im still on a roller coaster, but at least the intervals have gotten further apart. Sometimes i think finding another emotional partner would help me get over my ex, but it isnt justified... i know i shouldnt be rushing a relationship. all i want to hear is... what are the stories of members here who have PATIENTLY found a new partner? or even just went into rebounds that turned out to be lasting? if any, please share on how you did it. i really wanna hear your insights on your experiences... hearing a happy ending would really be inspiring!
PegNosePete Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 3 years after my divorce I have met an amazing woman who is 1 000 000 times better and I am a lot happier. It's our 1st anniversary today. 8
ZiggyZoo Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Happy Anniversary to PegNosePete! I met a great guy about a year and a half after my terrible divorce. We didn't end up together, broke up after about 10 months. However, it was honestly a good breakup. We both decided that it wasn't what we wanted, and while we cared for each other, we weren't meant to be together. I consider that a success, even if we split up. I remember though, feeling like I would never meet anyone after my divorce. I was a 36 year-old twice divorced single mother of four. Who in the hell would want to take THAT on? But I found the guy above, and went on a few other ok dates. I used to haaaate when people would say this to me, but its true: when you're ready, you'll meet someone. Oh, I met these guys on-line too, since you asked "how". I only have so much free time, and knowing off the bat who's single and who's not helped. Good luck, you're absolutely right that this is a dip in the effing roller coaster. 1
Chi townD Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I found my wife when I was least expecting it. I was focused on enjoying life and having fun and traveling around. Then, I met her. She is a strong and independent woman with a solid career. She didn't need to be with me, she wanted to be with me. That's the big difference. She could have easily told me, "Look, I was doing fine before you came around. I'm here because I want to be here. Because I enjoy being with you." That started the foundation to making our relationship special. That I had a partner rather than having one person elevating the other above them or putting them on a pedestal. 3
mammasita Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 After the breakup that brought me here, I met someone on POF (yes OLD *GASP*) about one year after I was dumped. I had dated a couple other guys here and there a bit before him.....but since the day we met it was all about him. Its been 1.5 years now. 1
mightycpa Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 There's an old saying about how women have to kiss a lot of frogs before they'll meet their prince. Same goes for guys. If you are a practitioner of "looking for relationships", not only are you going to be inefficient in your search, you're also likely to find nothing but failure eventually. Date a lot, date around and pay attention to who people are. Avoid exclusivity for the first three months of a relationship, longer if you can - and make it one of your inviolable rules. Anybody who can't wait that long is a relationship seeker, and is by definition, wasting your time. Get yourself a FWB or two so that you're not starved for sex. Sex starvation can lead to confusion about your emotions. It is far, far better to date a few girls and get to know each of them for who they are, and to have your needs satisfied by a couple who are clear that things are going nowhere with you, than it is to go exclusive so that you can bang some girl you just met and that you think you like. That is patience. You will learn so much this way about what you like, what you don't like, what you want and what you don't want in people. You will also learn a lot about yourself. Heed my wisdom, young SethDamien, or pay the price. 3
lana-banana Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I spent almost eight months utterly devastated over my worst break-up. I was so heartbroken I nearly fell apart. I barely ate. I wasn't suicidal, but I couldn't see the point in living. I laid down on the floor and bawled my eyes out, sometimes for hours at a time like some kind of legless weeping monster. But I eventually pulled myself out of the hole, one day at a time, with the assistance of my friends and family. One day, thousands of miles across the world on a business trip, I realized I was in love with a close friend. I literally just woke up one morning and knew it. I was so shocked I immediately ran to the bathroom and threw up. I emailed him and said we had to talk as soon as I got home. We're still going strong. How do I know he's special? Because for the first time ever, all that agonizing pain I described in the first paragraph was worth it. I know all that crap about how it's better to have loved and lost, but honestly, I suffered so badly that I would rather have never dated that guy than experienced that breakup. It damn near destroyed me as a person. But I look at the man I'm with now and I can sincerely say I would happily take that pain if it's the price for someone like him in my life. Keep your chin up. We're here for you. 1
Author SethDamien Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 3 years after my divorce I have met an amazing woman who is 1 000 000 times better and I am a lot happier. It's our 1st anniversary today. this is refreshing to know:). How long did you recover though? what did you do in those three years?
Author SethDamien Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 I remember though, feeling like I would never meet anyone after my divorce. I was a 36 year-old twice divorced single mother of four. Who in the hell would want to take THAT on? But I found the guy above, and went on a few other ok dates. I used to haaaate when people would say this to me, but its true: when you're ready, you'll meet someone. You musn't be that bad yourself if you managed to score some what made you realize you're ready to start dating again after your divorce? i still dont know when that'll happen for me. I dont think i'll find anyone more attractive than my ex for the moment. perhaps its natural to long for something you know you cannot have and im placing her on a pedestal.
BlueIris Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I really like my boyfriend and he really likes me. He's pretty terrific. 1
Author SethDamien Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 There's an old saying about how women have to kiss a lot of frogs before they'll meet their prince. Same goes for guys. If you are a practitioner of "looking for relationships", not only are you going to be inefficient in your search, you're also likely to find nothing but failure eventually. Date a lot, date around and pay attention to who people are. Avoid exclusivity for the first three months of a relationship, longer if you can - and make it one of your inviolable rules. Anybody who can't wait that long is a relationship seeker, and is by definition, wasting your time. Get yourself a FWB or two so that you're not starved for sex. Sex starvation can lead to confusion about your emotions. It is far, far better to date a few girls and get to know each of them for who they are, and to have your needs satisfied by a couple who are clear that things are going nowhere with you, than it is to go exclusive so that you can bang some girl you just met and that you think you like. That is patience. You will learn so much this way about what you like, what you don't like, what you want and what you don't want in people. You will also learn a lot about yourself. Heed my wisdom, young SethDamien, or pay the price. The thing is, i really did knock skins with a college friend after 4 months post BU. And I had extensive sexting with a former officemate, she lives miles away now but plans on "destroying" me when we do finally meet. LOL... Never felt guilty as anyone would feel, were broken up, so what? she doesnt care! but deep down, the love for my ex is still there... hopefully, after my licensure exam, going back to college will keep me busy and speed up my recovery. maybe i'll get to score some college girls along the way my concern is though, how long do i have to endure this rollercoaster?... i know, i know, time.... its just unbearable for me to wait though, (you may have noticed im very impatient, rushing relationships, rushing recovery)
Author SethDamien Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 (edited) I really like my boyfriend and he really likes me. He's pretty terrific. details please! i need details! im glad you found a bf you find terrific, are you speaking in terms after a break up? Edited April 15, 2015 by SethDamien
mightycpa Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 The thing is, i really did knock skins with a college friend after 4 months post BU. And I had extensive sexting with a former officemate, she lives miles away now but plans on "destroying" me when we do finally meet. LOL... Never felt guilty as anyone would feel, were broken up, so what? she doesnt care! but deep down, the love for my ex is still there... hopefully, after my licensure exam, going back to college will keep me busy and speed up my recovery. maybe i'll get to score some college girls along the way my concern is though, how long do i have to endure this rollercoaster?... i know, i know, time.... its just unbearable for me to wait though, (you may have noticed im very impatient, rushing relationships, rushing recovery) Love doesn't care if she loves you back or not... it just keeps going and going and going. Love also doesn't care if you're having sex or not, it just keeps going and going and going. And believe it or not, you can still feel bad about the old one, even if you actually love the new one - because love doesn't mind if you love somebody else... it just keeps going and going and going. The change that you're waiting for is when your love changes from selfish ("I must be loved back!") to magnanimous ("have a good life!") and it has precious little to do with whatever else you might be doing in life. To get rid of love, you've got to change your mind about this girl. Because she's never really going to change now that you don't know her anymore, don't expect to change your mind. You follow? It's your mindset that has to change. That's why getting involved with other girls is good for you. They help you get there, although pity the poor girls who are the first responders. Don't rush it, because you might just bury your feelings and they'll come back to bite you later. Let 'em ride. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 You musn't be that bad yourself if you managed to score some what made you realize you're ready to start dating again after your divorce? i still dont know when that'll happen for me. I dont think i'll find anyone more attractive than my ex for the moment. perhaps its natural to long for something you know you cannot have and im placing her on a pedestal. Oh, I realized that I am fan-f*cking-tastic, and anyone would be lucky to date me. I had a great therapist. I took a year deliberately to even think about starting to date. This was coming out of a seven year long marriage where he had cheated on me then left me for the OW. So lots of baggage to sort through. I knew I was getting ready to date again honestly when I started finding myself attracted to guys. I hadn't really been before. That, and then I got to where I wasn't even sure I wanted to date again. I was really liking being single. I think this was good, because I didn't settle because I felt like I had to be with someone. I turned down a few guys because it just wasn't right and didn't agonize over the decision. May I ask, what is bringing all this on? You just feeling especially anxious about it? I wouldn't worry, you will get there. Probably not as fast as you'd like, but it'll happen. 1
NopeNah Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Buy a motorcycle and a boat...Enjoy them...the female's will flock to both..Then take your pick! But,seriously.. after my divorce, I dated for around 3yr's before meeting my most recent ex(10+yr relationship). I'm now content and happy to start dating and doing the same as I did before. I'm not even 40.
BlueIris Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 details please! i need details! im glad you found a bf you find terrific, are you speaking in terms after a break up? Yes, I’d decided I would never find anyone to create a life with. I’m in my 50’s, divorced. In 2010 I’d left a fiancé that I’d lived with for a year (addiction problems) and really thought romance was over for me. I think (?) I was ok with being single forever, maybe dating sometimes. I met this man that I assumed would never like me, or someone like me. But he did. He did like me. So, it happens. I figure that if you have ever loved, you will love again. We might not know when or who we’ll love, but if it exists in you, it’s going to happen again. So, expect it. 1
ravfour4 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 I dated a girl for a couple years in college, she broke up with me and I was destroyed. I stopped going to class, I felt claustrophobic and felt like I couldn't live without her. After begging for her back and then not talking for a month or so, we started hanging out again and soon after that began dating. A few months after that, I could just tell things weren't right, she was saying I love you, but acting like she hated me. I later found out she was cheating on me and left her on the spot, never talked to her again. About 6 months after that at a concert I met the most amazing girl, a friend of a friend. We hit it off instantly, no awkwardness, just pure loving on each other. She lived a couple hours away and after hanging out twice more, I asked her to be my gf, she said yes instantly. We made long distance work for a year and lived together for 3 super happy years after that. We recently broke up and it tore me apart although I felt much more in control this time around, I just was also much more confident that we had a ton in common and that we were very compatible. You can read my thread 4 year relationship done to hear what happened, but despite the terrible ending, I still consider this a success as we were super happy for 4 years after I thought I'd never move on from my ex before her. This girl was an upgrade in literally every single way. I need to remind myself of this story moving forward and meet someone EVEN better. Also, my ex-ex reached out to me recently (4 years after I walked away and never looked back) after me and my ex broke up and seems like she still wants me. Thankfully, I want nothing to do with her, she's still with the guy she cheated on me with lol and she's pathetic. I look forward to the day I look back at my recent ex the same way.
hollypolly Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 I was in only three months out of a very toxic relationship when I met someone. I had been with my ex for two years in which he cheated over and over, told alot of lies and treated me very poorly. I left him and I was destroyed. I just couldnt cope with the hurt and loss. I went on to get back with him a year later. It was a stupid move but when i left the second time, I was like a new person. I didnt love him and i felt like I had a new lease of life. Three months later, on a night out I met someone when it was the last thing I wanted to do. I wasnt one bit interested and kept trying to lose him in the crowd. We had some great times together and while it didnt work out, I think when you least expect it love will find you. Best of luck ☺
Fufu Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 All the awesome stories. To me, the best achievement was not because I'm in a new relationship. I'm a more confident person and I don't feel I need to live my life dependent on another individual. 1
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