SethDamien Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Its not a question whether i'll heal or not, its a question of when...i want this to end so badly. i cant take it anymore. more than once i broke NC. I know you guys will lash out on me for being stubborn, hard headed. I really dont know what to do. My heart's been beating fast since i woke up from a dream of her and I hadn't stopped crying since then too. Im studying for a really BIG exam, and thinking of her just keeps distracting me. Im literally in tears as im typing this. sometimes i feel like hearing her voice is just the thing keeping me sane nowadays. most of the time, i feel like i should just go out there and look for someone better who i can love and who will support me... with that in mind, maybe i don't really miss my ex*, but i just miss the company of someone beside me who i can love and be my strength and confidant. My family currently hates me, and i wouldn't entrust them with my problems, and my friends are too busy or annoyed to give a sh*t. I want to live by the saying, "nobody else can make you happy but yourself".. but im pretty sure that's an excuse for people who have no choice but to abide by it. but if it works for them, then im willing... but HOW? I now exercise (jog 2-3 times a week), walk my dogs more often, buy/eat healthier foods, but i guess im not doing the one important thing everyone is telling me. Im keeping myself locked in the house which tempts me more to break NC, but i dont know where else to go! as i type this *as of now, my heart beats have lessened though, i guess venting really does help. BUT I still broke NC in the worst possible way (sent desperate texts). how do i start over and live with this? ugh!
Ruby65 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Yeah, you need to stop breaking NC if you want to start healing. How often are you breaking it? What means do you use to break it? If you're still Facebook stalking, time to block her and all mutual friends. Or just go ahead and disable Facebook for a few months. Same with any other apps or sites you use to break NC. Are you calling/texting? Time to change your phone number. Happiness really DOES come from within. This is a life lesson. We can love and enjoy our relationships, but you can't rely on them to bring happiness. This comes from doing things that feed our soul, from taking on meaningful goals that are larger than ourselves. Time to start asking yourself the big questions: what do you want to do with your life? What do you really care about? The cliche says: follow your bliss.... and it's true. Time to find out what makes you happiest, this is the core you're going to need in life -- it'll make your future relationships stronger and your single times more meaningful and easier to navigate. The easy way out of this is to go find some poor girl, let her fall for you and use that love and support to get yourself over your ex without doing the hard work of healing on your own. Then realize, 6 or 8 months into it, that you don't really have feelings for her and that she was just a rebound.... so you dump her and she ends up getting hurt as badly as you're hurting right now. Not such a great plan. Never cool to use someone to get over someone else. But yeah.... don't expect healing to start while you keep breaking NC. You can spend another six months in this cycle of pain and suffering.... or you can just change your cell number and disable your Facebook and go cold turkey. Just my thoughts, anyway. 2
Author SethDamien Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 (edited) Perhaps its the side effect of being desperate. Im so desperate to get out of this hell hole that perhaps finding a new partner might just do it, i dont know... Of course i'll look for someone who's better than my ex, one who i can really call my wife. I guess its a knee jerk reaction after feeling so lonely. i havent stayed single for long since high school, im 23 btw. I guess its this dependency which makes being alone so much harder. we broke up last year February, but remained friends (really close) until she found a new guy 6 months ago. she did invite me to dinner with her family a couple of times this month, and she would contact me occasionally -- and i cant prevent myself from answering. but knowing how much she's contacting the new guy is killing me. Your thoughts are spot on @Ruby --- but i dont get why many people here have the strength of doing NC where i havent? am i really this weak? Edited April 15, 2015 by SethDamien
medzeer Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 You know what? There is on answer for your misery. Unfortunately. It will take a long time before you can finally move on. I am sorry to tell you that. It might last another year, maybe even two years, who knows? But be sure it won't last FOREVER. And remember that the harder you look for someone, you become more miserable and you make finding someone even harder. but the moment you stop looking... this is where the magic happen. No matter in what kind of ****hole you live, no matter if your only friend is your dog. You will find someone. Did you ever wondered why, here on LS, most ppl make a thread, comment for few months and than they disapear? It is because, eventhough, they did not beliave it at the time, they found someone else and they are happy with their lives. Life is a B***H, but it is most beautifull B***H there is
BC1980 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 It took me an entire year of NC to feel significantly better. So yeah, you've got to stop breaking it. And why stay in contact when she has a new guy? That's pure torture, so no wonder you feel bad. 1
hunk Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Please don't go looking for someone. I was exactly where you were. I used online dating just to distract myself from the pain and ended up in a 2 year rebound where I let a girl fall for me while i couldn't give her the relationship she wanted or deserved, used her for human intimacy and companionship and an ego boost and was still thinking about my ex. Ended up making her horrifically miserable and me even worse than I was after I was dumped. You have to be ready to date to even consider dating. This means completely detached from previous relationships and happy with yourself. Don't do what i did. It's possibly one of the worst things i have ever done to another human being and the regret of it weighs down on me heavily. NC gets easier after about a month. If you can just make that month I think you'll be ok. You get to a point where you don't even want to contact your ex anymore. Then again some people are just wired differently, NC isn't a one size fits all thing i guess. There's a reason it's advocated by almost everyone though. If you stick it out you'll find out that reason 2
Sugarkane Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I envy you. I wish I had more when I was your age. Most of my classmates are you're age and many don't have partners. I envy their freedom at times. While I have to deal with in laws and childcare fees.
Author SethDamien Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 You know what? There is on answer for your misery. Unfortunately. It will take a long time before you can finally move on. I am sorry to tell you that. It might last another year, maybe even two years, who knows? But be sure it won't last FOREVER. And remember that the harder you look for someone, you become more miserable and you make finding someone even harder. but the moment you stop looking... this is where the magic happen. No matter in what kind of ****hole you live, no matter if your only friend is your dog. You will find someone. Did you ever wondered why, here on LS, most ppl make a thread, comment for few months and than they disapear? It is because, eventhough, they did not beliave it at the time, they found someone else and they are happy with their lives. Life is a B***H, but it is most beautifull B***H there is hearing there's a probability this might last 2 or more years isnt really reassuring. I know im just 23, but i feel like time's ticking... like i said, maybe i've just grown dependent on relationships that i never really got used to being single... I know there's more to life than finding "ms. right", but somehow, im aching for it. Im the one you'd call on being content on family life. I've been on a casual date, but im never really fond of her. But being with her just talking about anything and everything felt good, and maybe this is what i've been looking for...
Author SethDamien Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Please don't go looking for someone. I was exactly where you were. I used online dating just to distract myself from the pain and ended up in a 2 year rebound where I let a girl fall for me while i couldn't give her the relationship she wanted or deserved, used her for human intimacy and companionship and an ego boost and was still thinking about my ex. Ended up making her horrifically miserable and me even worse than I was after I was dumped. You have to be ready to date to even consider dating. This means completely detached from previous relationships and happy with yourself. Don't do what i did. It's possibly one of the worst things i have ever done to another human being and the regret of it weighs down on me heavily. NC gets easier after about a month. If you can just make that month I think you'll be ok. You get to a point where you don't even want to contact your ex anymore. Then again some people are just wired differently, NC isn't a one size fits all thing i guess. There's a reason it's advocated by almost everyone though. If you stick it out you'll find out that reason 2 years is quite a long time for a rebound, so did you actually love the rebound or not? why did you dump her? i really do hope so, im really afraid i'll get another one of these breakdowns
Ruby65 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 she did invite me to dinner with her family a couple of times this month, and she would contact me occasionally -- and i cant prevent myself from answering. but knowing how much she's contacting the new guy is killing me. Your thoughts are spot on @Ruby --- but i dont get why many people here have the strength of doing NC where i havent? am i really this weak? It's NOT a matter of strength or weakness.... or willpower. It's a matter of simple mechanics that you're refusing to do. CHANGE your phone number. Viola: you no longer need to ignore or delete her texts and phone calls. BLOCK her online, everywhere. Voila: no more information about her life, her boyfriend, every source of incoming information is gone. Do these two simple things and you'll be able to start healing. Easy peasy! 1
hunk Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I did have feelings for her. Definitely. It just grew into more of an attachment and I really don't think I was in love with her. She dumped me because she was tired of feeling like a "toy" and my inability to give her a real relationship just shut off her feelings for me after so long. She basically became completely numb to me and exhausted, I honestly don't think she had any other choice. She even said "I can't believe I put up with this for so long and i'm so angry at myself, you have made me feel absolutely worthless". Hearing that from her hurt me more than my previous ex sleeping with my best friend. No comparison. I should've realized I was rebounding and not allowed any sort of relationship to happen with her, but I didn't. So if you want to avoid such a situation, NC and TOTAL HEALING has to be your plan of action before you even think about other relationships.
BC1980 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 hearing there's a probability this might last 2 or more years isnt really reassuring. I know im just 23, but i feel like time's ticking... like i said, maybe i've just grown dependent on relationships that i never really got used to being single... I know there's more to life than finding "ms. right", but somehow, im aching for it. Im the one you'd call on being content on family life. I've been on a casual date, but im never really fond of her. But being with her just talking about anything and everything felt good, and maybe this is what i've been looking for... It does suck that it takes as long as it does to heal, but you have to accept it. It's just the way it is, and you can't cut corners. I did the same thing as you after my breakup. Stayed in contact as supposed friends for 8 months. All the while, he had someone else. They were engaged 5 months after I cut him off. But you know what? I never even knew it at the time. I had no clue until this past January. I didn't care nearly as much as I would have if I had stayed in contact. So that's the beauty of NC at work.
EgoJoe Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Stop thinking about rebounds, reconciliation, tomorrow etc. Start thinking about today, right now, this moment, and tonight. I've been exactly where you are with the Ex that brought me here in 2011. Stay dating. Do it just to sow your oats and have fun. Get some action. Find a movie buddy who will go down on you occasionally. It sounds callous but you won't be a pig if you keep it classy. You only have one life. Don't waste it. 1
Chi townD Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Okay, so you're 6 months post break up, but how far along are you in NC? And you aren't doing enough. You are turning into what I did after I got dumped and turned into a hermit. That's not good. There's an exciting world outside your door and there's a ton of things to do and experience. New people to meet and it's just as simple as doing some research to see what fun things you can do! It really isn't that hard! Look online for things that are happening in your area. There might be a music festival two towns over. Go see it! If you're in the states, Baseball just started up! Jump on a train and go to the nearest big city and catch a major league game! Or go to your local YMCA and bring a friend with you and take dive lessons. Become certified divers and then plan a dive trip somewhere! See coral reefs and swim with some nurse sharks or white tip sharks. Or maybe there's an art festival 50 miles away. Or save and take some friends with you to white water rafting. It's spring now, so the water should be great! Cold, but great for rapids! Or go hiking or Camping in the mountains! There are so many things to do and experience! Get out and do them! Create good memories. Create a positive changes in your life!
Recommended Posts